massage

9 Ways to Access Pleasure & Intimacy Without Having Sex

Kate Sloan

What with pandemic stress, chronic pain, and a shifting libido as I get older, sometimes I just don’t feel like having sex, even though I genuinely think my partner is the hottest person in the world. Sexuality is mysterious like that.

That said, I’m lucky enough to be with someone who understands that “standard” sex is not the only way to feel connected to a partner, make them feel good, or express your love for them.

Here are 9 ways you could have a pleasurable, body-based, and/or romantic experience with your partner, without delving into “sex” territory:

 

1. Masturbate together. A classic! I love to do this when I’m too tired/achy to put much actual effort into sex. Bonus points for using a good wand vibrator – it makes getting off much easier for me and also enables me to focus more on my partner because I can just “set it and forget it” on my clit.

2. Just cuddle, without expectations. I remember when I was ~16 and cuddling with a romantic prospect felt like the most exciting, intimate thing in the world. It still can be! If you find it awkward or boring to just lie there, you could watch TV or listen to a podcast together while you snuggle up.

3. Give or receive a massage. There are soooo many styles of massage to learn about and try out, from Swedish massage to Tantric massage to hot stone massage – but even just keeping it super basic with some massage oil and unskilled rubbing can be blissful and connective.

4. Watch comedy or horror together. Weird pairing, I know – but I really do think these genres are two sides of the same coin, neurochemically. If you pick an uproarious comedy or a terrifying horror flick to watch with your sweetie, the two of you will go through some intense feelings together, which can be connective in and of itself – plus you’ll get the endorphin rush associated with laughing super hard or getting scared shitless. (If you need recommendations: my all-time favorite comedies include The Birdcage, Anchorman, The Producers, and Down With Love, while my fave horror movies include Get Out, The Exorcist, Midsommar, and It.)

5. Draw on each other. My friend Casia Sobolewski loves to do this, and first introduced me to its sensual pleasures. Get out an assortment of different-colored markers – ideally the washable kind that kids use, not Sharpies! – and create some art on one another’s bodies. In addition to being a delightful creative project, this also creates a tickly, sensuous feeling on your skin that is truly unique and even kinda sexy.

6. Do spa treatments on each other. My partner is a foot fetishist so I imagine they’d be quite keen to give me a pedicure if I asked; what spa-esque procedures would you find fun to do for a partner? Apply a goopy sheet mask to their face? Shave their legs in a vaguely kinky manner? Moisturize every inch of their skin?

7. Indulge in sadomasochism. Now, certainly it’s debatable whether kink “counts” as “not sex,” since – for many kinky people, myself included – kink scenes often feel like sex and essentially are sex even if there’s no genital contact, orgasms, etc. But it’s good to be reminded that kink is an option for when more conventional/vanilla sex feels inaccessible or unappealing! I can think of few things that make me feel closer to my partner, or more loved by them, than receiving a lengthy hand-spanking, flogging, or paddling.

8. Have a singalong. If one or both of you play an instrument and can do live accompaniment, so much the better! But you can also just pull up some karaoke tracks from YouTube or Spotify, or just sing along to your favorite tunes. Making music with a loved one is tons of fun and feels like a collaborative project, kinda like sex in its own way.

9. Meditate together. If you’re spiritually inclined, or just interested in mindfulness, this could be an interesting couples’ activity. I imagine it’d be grounding and refocusing to hold hands with my partner while we both meditate; afterward, we could talk about how it all felt, and what we thought of the experience.

 

What non-sexual activities do you find sensually pleasing and connective to do with your partner(s)?

 

This post was sponsored. As always all writing and opinions are my own.

Why Everyone Should Give (and Get) More Massages (+ 3 Quick Massage Tips)

Kate Sloan

Hey, can we talk about massages for a sec? They are a more powerful sexual and relational tool than most people realize.

“Massage porn” was one of Pornhub’s top-ten search terms last year. Journalist Maureen O’Connor posits that this is because “massage recipients look comfortable, which, for women in porn, is not always a given… The genre’s conventions simplify the viewing experience. All that remains is the dedicated depiction of successful female arousal and pleasure.”

I find massage soothing in porn for these reasons too, and they translate to my real-life enjoyment of massages as well. In a world which frames sex as a one-way escalator to orgasm, and which dismisses all other trajectories as sexual failures or not really sex at all, it’s soothing to touch or be touched in a way that is explicitly not designed to elicit orgasm.

Of course, there are lots of erotic massage types, and some of them do end in orgasm, or at least can. (I’ve had one such professional massage before, as you may recall!) But sometimes, specifically setting the boundary that a particular massage will be non-erotic, or non-orgasmic, can take massive pressure off both people.

Massage is a way to familiarize yourself with your partner’s body, or your own sensual responses. Too often, once we learn what gets our partner off, we over-focus on that to the exclusion of other fun things, and forget to keep exploring. Sex educator and Girl Sex 101 author Allison Moon recommends “research and development” nights – sex sessions specifically designated for traversing each other’s bodies and learning new ways to make each other feel good, free from the sometimes-burdensome expectation of orgasm – and massage can be like that, too. You can find that one spot behind their knee that makes them moan. You can unravel the tension from their thighs, their shoulders, their back. You can rediscover what it felt like to learn each other’s hotspots from scratch at the beginning.

Some of these benefits are accessible to you even if you don’t have a partner, or your partner is unwilling or unable to massage or be massaged by you. Getting a professional massage somewhere like Tantric Massage London can teach you a lot about your body, what it likes, and what it needs. And you’ll pick up new tricks that you can use when massaging future partners down the road.

With all that in mind, here are 3 quick tips for better sexy massages:

1. Lube, lube, lube. A good, slow, sensual massage typically requires some form of lubrication. Many people go with coconut oil, almond oil, and other natural oils, since they’re effective and usually non-irritating. Keep in mind, though, that if the massage descends into genital-town, you can’t rely on latex barriers for contraception or STI protection thereafter because the oil will break down the latex.

Silicone-based lube can work well if you want a product you can use for both massage and sexytimes, but a) it’s expensive, so you may not want to use it all over the body, and b) it won’t sink into skin, so you’ll need to shower afterward. Overall, probably your best bet is to use a standard massage oil for the massage itself and then switch to a lubricant designed for sex if things go in that direction.

2. Leave your expectations at the door. As the giving partner, you might want to see visible signs of your partner’s enjoyment: sighing, moaning, smiling, melting into the bed, getting turned on/wet/hard, etc. But that largely defeats the purpose of a relaxing massage. You should be prepared for any reactions you might get from your partner, including “none,” and you should let them know they’re free to relax and respond however their body wants to.

Likewise, as someone receiving a massage, try not to get in your head about how you “should” respond to it. It’s okay if you don’t get turned on, or if you do. It’s okay that all the attention is on you for a while: that’s the point! It’s okay if you can’t silence your mind in a Zen manner immediately; that shit takes practice. It’s okay if you get emotional, or if you feel nothing in particular. Try not to judge yourself; just focus on what you’re feeling, to the best of your ability.

3. Massages can be kinky. I’ve often likened rhythmic, thuddy spankings to massages, because they give me the same feeling of endorphin-y bliss via exertion. If the receiving partner of a massage is into pain, perhaps the giving partner could ask for permission in advance to work that proclivity into their massage. Spanking, punching, scratching, and pinching can all be fun additions to a standard massage.

This post was sponsored by the folks at Xmassage – Erotic Massage Directory UK. As always, all writing and opinions are my own!

5 Reasons I’d Totally Hire an Escort

Kate Sloan

Sex workers are awesome. In the past few years, I’ve befriended several, and have come to realize just how profoundly vital and healing their services can be for their clients. Far from the emotionless sleaze rampant in media depictions of sex work, these encounters can fill holes both physical and emotional!

With that in mind, here are five reasons I’d gladly hire an escort, assuming I had the dosh…

To try out a new kink activity I’m nervous about. If I wanted to learn how to climb a mountain, cook a steak, or wire a circuit, I wouldn’t ask a random friend to try to figure it out with me; I’d consult a professional! Same goes for certain skill-heavy kink acts: you can do your due diligence in terms of internet research, sure, but it’s no match for actually seeing the activity performed in person.

Perth independent escorts experienced in kink would likely know, for example, how to safely approach wax play, rope bondage, and heavy caning. This is, of course, the kind of thing you’d want to discuss with a provider in advance of a session, to make sure the two of you are a good fit and that they actually have the know-how you’re seeking. But if they do, they’ll be a much better introduction to whatever kink activity is piquing your interest than a random ill-prepared partner would be!

For a no-strings attached skilful spanking. Speaking of kink… Sometimes I crave a spanking so intensely that nothing else will satisfy. I could reach out to a partner or a friend, but they may or may not have the spanking-top skills I want them to – plus I might not be able to relax fully into a scene with someone if we have that much nonsexual history together.

Hiring Adelaide independent escorts for a scene would give me the freedom to actually relax into the spanking. I could explain my expectations and preferences beforehand, and rest assured I’d get exactly the experience I’d been craving. And there would be no social weirdness, because we might not ever even see each other again!

For an extra-satisfying massage. This is actually the only sexual service I have paid for before (unless you count porn and cam shows), and it was so blissful that I’d gladly do it again! Massages often turn me on and make me crave sexual stimulation, which isn’t appropriate in a standard massage. But Melbourne independent escorts who offer massages would also likely offer a “happy ending” if I wanted one. Best of all, I could specify the exact type of stimulation I wanted – as opposed to when a sexual partner massages me and I sort of feel like I should just be grateful and accept whatever kind of touch they give me.

To make a partner’s threesome fantasy come true. I’ve never had a shortage of enthusiastic threesome partners available to fulfill this scenario, but I can definitely see the advantages of hiring a professional. Threesomes can be emotionally messy, potentially fanning the flames of any existing jealousies or resentments in your relationship(s) or even creating new rifts. An escort can help you enact a threesome fantasy in exactly the way you’ve envisioned it, and with much less drama than you might unintentionally incite by enlisting a friend instead.

For guilt-free oral service. Look, sometimes I just wanna be a pillow princess and not have to feel bad about it. Like, for example, at the end of a long work day when I barely have the energy to lift a vibrator onto my bits, let alone reciprocate oral sex. (I love giving head… when I have the zeal to actually get ‘er done!) Sex workers are the ideal solution to this problem, because the financial nature of the agreement would take away any feelings of obligation or guilt. Just orgasms and pure relaxation, baby!

What would you love to hire an escort for?

 

 

This post was sponsored, and as always, all writing and opinions are my own!