music

12 Days of Girly Juice 2021: 10 Perfect Songs

Kate Sloan

Music was, as ever, a huge part of my life this year – and, as ever, I’m gathering 10 of my favorite songs into a blog post here, and writing little essays about how they made me feel as I listened to them on repeat all year long.

Originally this list was titled “10 Perfect Sex Songs,” but this year I’ve changed it to simply “10 Perfect Songs,” because the way I feel about music is just so much bigger than its applications for sex. But plenty of these are very, very sexy nonetheless.

The best way to read this post is to hit “play” on the embedded player above each song before you read about it, so you can get a sense for the vibe of the track while you read. (Trust me, these songs are gooooood.)

As always, I’ve collected these songs, along with all the previous years’ selections, into a Spotify playlist which you are welcome to check out. I hope you enjoy this year’s picks!

Daniel Bedingfield – “All Your Attention” (buy it on iTunes)

Don’t want to share you with the stars in the night / I only want you to only want me / Now, then and forever / Even jealous of the sun in your eyes / I want you looking at me, only me / I want all your attention

When I got my very first cellphone at age 13 or so – a petite silver Audiovox flip phone – one of the first things I did with it was figure out how to create custom ringtones. I remember spending hours after school painstakingly editing music files into ringtone-friendly lengths and formats, so that familiarly bright musical stings could punctuate my days. One of the very first songs I set as my ringtone was this one.

I’d been enamored with Daniel and his music for quite some time, but particularly with this song. At that age, it struck me as one of the most romantic things I’d ever heard: the narrator of the song (or, in poetry parlance, the “speaker”) is beseeching his partner/crush to let everything else in her life fall by the wayside so as to focus her entire attention on him. This spoke to me deeply at that age; I was struggling with the same desperate adolescent longing to be someone’s central focus in a romantic way, particularly since boys were not exactly flocking to date me, with my blue-bracketed braces, zitty skin, and total lack of self-confidence. I dreamed of someone being as obsessed with me one day as Bedingfield seems to be with his mystery lady in this song.

That said, like many things I enjoyed at age 13, this one barely holds up. To a modern, progressive ear, it lands as selfish, whiny, manipulative, possessive, even abusive – but under the veneer of sexy sentimentality and melodious romance. I still think it’s hot and sweet in its own way, but only when I’m able to envision it as depicting a consensual kinky relationship, rather than real-life scary obsessiveness. Love can make us want to behave in inappropriate ways at times, but that doesn’t mean we have to let those impulses move beyond the realm of thought and into the land of reality.

Bo Burnham – “Sexting” (buy it on ITunes)

I’m getting hot at just the thought of what I’d do to you / ‘Cause in my head, I’m in your bed and getting through to you / They made the internet for nights like these / I love you, baby; send a picture of your tits, please

I didn’t know what to expect when my spouse and I loaded up Bo Burnham’s then-brand-new special, Inside, on Netflix and pressed play. Bo is traditionally the king of snarky silliness in song form, as his previous specials can attest, and I figured this would be more of the same. But Inside is so much more than that, as I wrote when I called it a masterpiece on this very blog.

As you know if you’ve seen it, the first half of Inside is rife with classic Bo goofiness that nonetheless hints constantly at the depressed, anxious mess beneath the surface, which we get to experience more directly in the darker, more existential second half. One of the first-act bangers is “Sexting,” a song that makes me scream with laughter every time I watch the video. In his razor-sharp way, Bo lampoons staples of millennials’ textual intercourse, like communicating in emojis (“you send me a peach / I send a carrot back / you send a Ferris wheel / that’s pretty abstract”), wanting nudes from a partner while being too insecure to send any oneself (“you send the pic and say it’s now my turn / Jesus fucking Christ, I guess I never learn”), and worrying about whether the asynchronous medium is breeding misunderstandings (it usually is).

However, then, as only Bo could do, he pivots easily from texty sexytimes into the crushing loneliness that can set in when the technology fails you, or when digital sex feels too starkly different from in-person sex to generate a meaningful oxytocin high, or when you put your phone down and wipe up the cum, only to notice with shocking intensity just how alone you actually are. “Another night on my own / stuck in my home / sitting alone / one hand on my dick and one hand on my phone,” Burnham laments, and to that, all I can say is: been there, Bo. Been there.

Lizzo – “Juice” (buy it on iTunes)

No, I’m not a snack at all / Look, baby, I’m the whole damn meal

I was late to the party with regards to Lizzo, because I just don’t listen to that much mainstream/top-40 music these days, but I’m so glad I finally checked her out. It must have been the third or fourth time I heard this song, and found myself physically compelled to dance, that I finally whipped out my phone to figure out what the hell I was listening to.

It’s since become my favorite medicine for low-energy days, for bad-body-image days, for everything-is-terrible days. I’ll put it on, start moving my body, and feel the greyness start to lift. In particular, I think it’s the all-time best song for dancing to while nude in front of a mirror; every time I do this, it feels like someone just injected me with liquid confidence. Sincerely, Lizzo, thank you for the gift that is this song.

My enjoyment of sex, or indeed my very ability to be mentally present during sex, can be strongly affected by my body image du jour. Intrusive thoughts about my thighs and ass and belly frequently interrupt otherwise sexy interludes, frustrating me and worrying my partners. Listening to this song feels like saying a prayer for body-positivity, accepting (and adoring) the things I cannot change, embracing all the parts of me because they’re me and thus inherently worthy. It’s worth putting on every sex playlist I make from here on out, if just because hearing even its opening chords makes my whole body relax, like it finally knows it’s beautiful.

Violents – “After You” (buy it on iTunes)

Life after you / Life overdue / My girl, you know that I had dreamed of you

What a lot of the songs on this year’s list have in common is that they seem to send a shot of dopamine directly to my brain. This one is no different.

Violents is a project by my all-time favorite singer/songwriter, Jeremy Larson. Normally he writes songs and a smooth-voiced collaborator sings them, but the EP this song is from, June, is about being a new adoptive father and all the feelings associated with that, so it made sense for him to sing this one himself. And it’s stunning.

“After You” is an open-hearted, revelatory, no-holds-barred love song for Jeremy’s first daughter. It marks a clear delineation between life before her and life after her. I have thought a lot about parenthood this year – mostly because I am reaching the age at which people start insisting women think about this topic, as if it would be a crime if we chose to stay childless – and, while I’m not at all convinced I ever want kids, pieces of art like this song make me wonder if I’d be missing out.

Brotherkenzie – “Wasted” (buy it on Bandcamp)

It’s not enough / Keeping up / When my chin is dripping with you / One hell of a view / Hopefully, I can make these legs move if I try

I don’t know what this song is about, but I know that when I first heard Nathan of Brotherkenzie sing these particular lyrics, I blushed. If indeed this section is about cunnilingus, which I believe it is, then it’s one of the gentlest, most anti-bravado and anti-machismo references to cunnilingus I’ve ever heard in a song. In context it sounds gentle, slow, gradual, sweet. The lyrics signal genuine enjoyment of the act and genuine interest in the pleasure it can produce. It’s just… nice.

This isn’t at all a conventional pick for a “sexy song,” and yet there’s something about it that feels to me like slow, familiar sex with someone who knows your body. The dependable rhythm of it. The prodding, plodding sweetness. The way your favorite face fills with rapture as it peers up at you from between your legs. One hell of a view.

Ben Hopkins – “IDK” (buy it on iTunes)

I don’t know how to pay for therapy / I imagine if I did, I’d have some clarity / I don’t know how to weather ignorance / Makes me wanna drink wine and eat some cigarettes

I don’t know how to even convey how much Ben Hopkins’s music meant to me this year. But this is a song about not knowing how to do things, so maybe that’s okay.

There’s a certain freneticism to my interactions with other millennials in recent years, a constant low hum of existential anxiety and manic dread. You can’t ask a clued-in millennial a question about their future, or the future of humanity, without them going into a bit of a tailspin.

This is gonna sound douchey but the current state of the world makes me really grateful I got to take some classes on existential philosophy in university, because I don’t know how I would make sense of our current world without existentialist thought to fall back on. One of the biggest revelations I picked up from those classes was this: When the existentialists realized there was probably no God, no “true path” for any of them, no “meaning of life,” initially they were distraught – but then, after a “dark night of the soul,” often there would come a point when the lack of any inherent meaning began to feel less like a burden and more like freedom. The freedom to create your own meaning, your own path, your own purpose.

So much of Ben Hopkins’s music, but especially this song, makes me feel that way. It’s music that commiserates with the listener about the pointlessness and absurdity of [gestures broadly] all this, but at the same time, finds some raucous joy and connection in all that madness. Ben and their collaborator Tsebiyah shout back and forth at one another in this song about all the things they don’t know how to do, and then come together in the chorus to chant, “I don’t know what I’m doing / I don’t know if it’s right / I don’t know what I’m doing / I don’t know if it’s right,” like a tragic, silly, sad, excited, terrified, brave millennial mantra.

John Legend – “Love Me Now” (buy it on iTunes)

Something inside us / Knows there’s nothing guaranteed / Girl, I don’t need you / To tell me that you’ll never leave / When we’ve done all that we could / To turn darkness into light, turn evil to good / Even when we try so hard / For that perfect kind of love / It could all fall apart

I’ve loved watching John Legend’s evolution as an artist over the past several years. A lot of his early music made him sound like a bit of a cad, even if those songs were fictional (I’m not sure if they were or not); he seemed to churn out endless songs about cheating on a partner, wanting to cheat on a partner, thinking about cheating on a partner, avoiding (or giving in to) the temptation to cheat on a partner, etc. But those albums all came out when he was in his 20s; modern-day John Legend is a mature man with a big heart and a beautiful way with words, and his songs land just as sexy for me now as they always have, but much more romantic.

“Love Me Now” is a type of love song I’ve never heard before, a love song arising from non-toxic masculinity and compassionate realism. It acknowledges the fact that even relationships we think will last forever might not, and that life goes on after those relationships end. Most notably, it states: “I don’t know who’s gonna kiss you when I’m gone, so I’m gonna love you now, like it’s all I have.”

You could interpret this to mean that John doesn’t want anyone else to kiss his lady-love when and if he’s out of her life, but I have a different read on it. To me, it sounds like he wants her to always have someone to kiss, because he wants her to be happy. But he knows he can’t guarantee that, so he’s going to do his best to make up for that future uncertainty in the present. This reminds me of every partner of mine who’s taken non-monogamy as an invitation to love me harder, not a challenge to love me “better than” my other partner(s). We all deserve someone in our life who wants nothing but happiness for us. We all deserve a partner who wonders, with hope and in earnest, who’s gonna kiss us when they’re gone.

Cruisr – “Wild Babe” (buy it on iTunes)

You make me pace / Make me chase / Make my heart race / I dig you when you ditch me cold / ‘Cause I’m a sheep / I’m a creep / And I’m losing sleep / No, I don’t know what’s right for you, baby / Wild babe / I just wanna be your prey

Cruisr has showed up on this list previously for their up-tempo kinky bop “Kidnap Me,” and I still listen to that one on a regular basis. But “Wild Babe” may have eclipsed it as my fave Cruisr tune, simply because it makes me want to be the wild babe it eponymizes. And when I dance to it, I feel like I’m becoming her.

To me, this is a song about that sunny feeling when a new crush bursts into your life and is instantly all you can think about. That feeling was in short supply for many of us during the pandemic; this song feels like it’d be the right thing to listen to on the walk to your first post-COVID date with your first post-COVID crush, heart pounding in rhythm with the drums.

Alina Baraz – “Change My Mind” (buy it on iTunes)

At the end of the day / Would you do what it takes? / If I fall, am I safe? / Validation hit different when you don’t gotta ask for it / Would you push your pride to the side? / Prove me wrong by doing it right

I’ve included an Alina Baraz song on this list literally every year since I started doing this, because almost every year she puts out stunningly sexy new songs. She’s an absolute queen of the slowjam genre.

This song sticks out to me most on her latest EP because it’s about stating your boundaries, holding your ground, lifting your head high and maintaining your standards. Some of Alina’s past songs have been about melting under a man’s touch, getting lost in the reverie of a new flirtation, bending her life and her self to accommodate a powerful infatuation. But this one is different. “Say you wanna keep up,” she dares him; “If you stay the night, you could change my mind.” It’s the ultimate fuck-you to a fuckboy – and a dare for him to do better, to be better, so he can be with her.

I’ll channel Alina Baraz in this song if ever I need to tell someone, in the future, that they’re not currently meeting my standards but that they’re always welcome to change my mind.

Silk Sonic – “Leave the Door Open” (buy it on iTunes)

You’re so sweet, so tight / I won’t bite, unless you like / If you smoke, I got the haze / And if you’re hungry, girl, I got filets

My brother Max tipped me off to this one. When he gives me a music recommendation, I listen, because 99% of the time, if he thinks I’ll like a song, I end up loving it.

You know that feeling when you get a “booty call” text from the person you’ve been secretly hoping would send you that exact text for hours, if not days or weeks? That feeling of jubilation, excitement, and promise? That feeling that makes you want to spring out of bed, shed your pajamas in favor of a flashier ensemble, slick on some lip gloss and head out to face the thrills of the night to come? This song is that feeling, distilled into a 4-minute-long radio-ready slowjam. It’s perfection.

The lines I quoted above are my favorites, because to me there’s something genuinely healing about a man expressing desire for a woman in a way that acknowledges that she eats – that her hunger is potentially not just sexual but literal, too. Sounds silly, maybe, but we’ve all heard (or experienced firsthand) those tropes about how women only order salad on dates. I’ve always appreciated beaux who showed zero evidence of fat-shaming or food-shaming, and in fact actively encouraged me to stay nourished enough to have good sex – by making me a protein-packed pre-sex steak for energy, handing me a bottle of Gatorade to refuel my electrolytes mid-session, or (in one case) bringing me a selection of refrigerated chocolate bars on a midsummer night to help pump me up for a round 2.

I have no doubts, after listening to this song as many times as I have, that Bruno Mars is a great person to receive a booty call from. He’s passionate. He’s polite. He’s gonna leave the door open for you. Dreamy.

 

What songs did you love most this year?

5 Unexpected Ways Music Can Improve Your Sex Life

Kate Sloan

Music is an important part of sex for many of us. Whether we prefer to set a sultry mood with some rainy-evening piano jazz, summon our inner goddess with a Beyoncé album, or rock out to Nine Inch Nails while taking a nine-inch dick, it’s clear that music can affect the vibe of an encounter – for better or for worse.

I learned about the “for worse” side of things when a Tenacious D song came up on shuffle while I was blowing my boyfriend at age 20… and again, when I fucked a singer/songwriter and one of his own songs started playing mid-bang… and again, when I had an ill-advised one-night stand with a random Tinder guy who insisted on listening to terrible white-boy rap while we got it on, and didn’t have a Spotify Premium membership so our flow was interrupted every few songs by a cheery ad reminding us to pony up for a subscription. (I could’ve let him borrow my login for the evening, I suppose, but then I wouldn’t have gotten this weird story out of it…)

That said, beyond just establishing a sexy atmosphere, there are other potential uses for music while engaging in sexytimes. Here are a few of my faves…

Set the tone for a roleplay. You may not be a fan of chamber choir music/classic 1970s rock/Enya-esque atmospheric crooning, but maybe your character in a roleplay is. Fans of sexy roleplay use many different tricks to help them get into character, from wardrobe to fragrance to changes in vocal inflection, but I find that music can put me into the headspace of a particular persona more quickly than many other routes. Listening to the Backstreet Boys, for example, takes me right back to my wistful teenage yearnings, while my favorite EP by A Yawn Worth Yelling makes me feel like the type of pop-punk princess I’d only ever embody in fantasy.

Keep rhythm more easily. Many people struggle with maintaining a rhythm during sex, and while it doesn’t always matter, sometimes it very much does. Whether you’re trying to fuck someone at a consistent speed with your strap-on so they can get off, playing with an impact bottom who loves a rhythmic flogging, or just enjoy making cool soundscapes with the odd noises sex produces, having a song on in the background can help you maintain the steady beat you’re looking for.

Set yourself a timed challenge. When I was 15, I had a super-loud “body massager” I’d bought for $6.99 from a local discount shop, which I liked to use as a vibrator. Because it was so noisy, I’d often turn on some music before I began. For a while I had the beloved album Holiday in Rhode Island by the Softies in my CD player all the time, so its first track, “Sleep Away Your Troubles,” underscored a lot of those wank sessions. After a while, I started issuing myself little “challenges” – mostly, aiming to reach orgasm before the first song ended. It was 3 and a half minutes long, so – while I probably wouldn’t be able to do this now, with my 29-year-old body – at 15 it was no problemo. If you want to do something similar, you could see how many times you can make your partner come over the duration of a favorite album, “make” your submissive take a nasty whipping until the current song ends, or edge yourself for three whole songs and then let yourself come during the fourth one. Or make up your own strange challenge!

Process pain with aplomb. Along with methodical breathing and a hefty dose of cannabis, music is one of my favorite tools for mitigating pain during sadomasochistic scenes. Before giving me a spanking, sometimes my partner will put on an album I know well, like The Party by Andy Shauf or Landmark by Hippo Campus, and I’ll sing along (to the extent that I can) while getting beaten. I swear it reduces the intensity of the pain for me by at least 20%, without reducing the yummy side effects of that pain, like the endorphin haze and feeling of sweet submission.

Keep one foot on the ground. My friend Bex has told me before that he sometimes struggles with dissociation or wandering thoughts during sex, and that music can reliably help with this. I have found the same thing – it’s all too easy for me to float off into my own head when the room is silent during sex, while listening to music (especially music I’m very familiar with) helps me stay aware of the passage of time, and of the sexy things that are happening.

Is music an important part of your sex life? What role(s) does it play for you?

My Blog’s Turning 9 & I’m Doing an Online Concert to Celebrate!

Kate Sloan

Friends, this coming Saturday marks NINE YEARS since I created this blog and wrote my first post on it. I was nineteen years old – basically a baby – and envisioned that Girly Juice would be a fun summer project. I had no idea it would become essentially my full-time job and the source of many of my most important opportunities, projects, and relationships. Thank you so much for being with me on this journey, however long you’ve been reading – it honestly means the world to me. 💖

To celebrate 9 years in the sex blogging biz, I’m playing a livestreamed concert this weekend, Saturday, March 27th at 7 p.m. Eastern. Here are the details…

 

Q. Where can I tune into the show?

A. On my YouTube channel. Click that link and hit the “set reminder” bell if you want to make sure you won’t forget!

 

Q. What will happen during the show?

A. I’m going to play some songs on my ukulele – some relatively recent, some throwbacks unearthed from my high school singer/songwriter days. This is the first show I’ve headlined in any format for 3+ years and I’m so excited to share some tunes with you! Other things that might happen: poetry readings, sneak peeks of my upcoming book(s), conversations with my spouse about sex blogging, answering questions from viewers, sampling delicious cocktails, giggling.

 

Q. Is there a ticket fee?

A. Nope! Totally free. However, if you want to do something nice for me as a “congrats on blogging for 9 years” gift, you can buy my music on Bandcamp, buy my sexy pictures/videos here, preorder my first book, and/or make a donation in my honor to a rad organization I believe in, like the Bail Project, Trans Lifeline, SWOP Behind Bars, or the Bad Dog Theatre.

 

Q. Will it be recorded for me to watch later if I can’t make it?

A. Probably not, because I want it to feel as singularly special as the live shows I used to love playing IRL. But there’s tons of music on my YouTube channel if you want to see me play at a time that works better for you!

 

Q. What should I wear?

A. Wear whatever you like – this isn’t a conservative family Zoom call, it’s a sex blogger’s YouTube concert! – but if you feel inspired to do so, feel free to dress up for the occasion in something fancy, sparkly, kinky, and/or velvet. Tag me if you post your outfit on social media – I wanna see!

 

Hope to see you this Saturday, babes 💖

Protocol Diaries: Music to My Ears

Kate Sloan
Posing with my baritone ukulele in 2010

I have a classically millennial problem, which is that I keep monetizing all my hobbies, thereby draining a lot of the joy out of them. I’m sure many of you can relate.

Professionalizing what was once a creative diversion isn’t inherently a bad thing – I love writing and am happy almost every day that I get to make a living doing something I enjoy and am good at. I just think it’s a mistake to turn all your hobbies into income sources (keeping in mind that being able to avoid this is, of course, a function of financial privilege and is not an option for everyone). It’s much, much easier to get burned out on your work when you have very few non-work avenues for creativity, playfulness, exploration, and growth.

One way I’ve tried to combat this problem in my life is to create a protocol with my partner that “forces” me to make music more consistently. See, when I was younger, music was my life. I sang in choirs from a young age, studied violin and ukulele in school, took piano lessons, guitar lessons, voice lessons, auditioned for musicals, performed in revues, played shows at coffee shops, busked in parks, opened for local musicians, laid down tracks in recording studios, tickled the ivories at theatre festivals. There was a period of time when I very seriously planned to play music for a living. (You can watch me playing songs dating back to ~2005 on my YouTube channel if you want.)

Playing at the CanStage Youth Arts Jam in 2009

Writing my own songs and performing them, in particular, nourished my soul. In high school I would write as many as 8 new songs a month, many of which were actually pretty good. (Here’s a collection of some of my favorites if you want to take a listen.) There was something deeply satisfying about crystallizing a particular emotion or experience into a sonically appealing piece of art, and then being able to play it for people. Even on my saddest nights, after breakups or rejections or awkward parties, I could cobble together a song from my tears and wounds and failures, and it would make me feel better without fail.

However, then I went on hormonal birth control, and what followed was a period of three and a half years when I was wracked with mental health symptoms worse than any I’d previously experienced – plus, notably, a total loss of my creative drive. I wrote zero songs for years, and it hurt. I’d sit at the piano, or hold my ukulele protectively against my chest, willing new music to occur to me magically and near-effortlessly the way it once had – but my songwriting impulse was totally gone.

Upon going off the NuvaRing, I hesitantly wrote my first song in years – called “Anxiety,” since that was my main emotion at the time – and more songs started to come after that. But the writing process was slow, stilted, forced. I rarely seemed able to recapture the frenetic energy that had propelled me to write literally dozens of songs a year, way back when.

Anyway, back to the present, and the protocol. I told my spouse a while ago that I really missed playing and singing – that I felt I’d lost part of myself when I’d lost the music. I’d moved out of my parents’ big old house, with its big old piano, and into a small apartment where my roommate and neighbors could hear every note I played. I was paralyzed by self-doubt, worried that my voice was rusty and so was my musicality in general. So with my permission, Matt made a protocol dictating that every month, I would have to learn (or write) one new song, and make an audio or video recording of myself playing it.

In my room, probably writing emo songs, in 2008

It may seem counterintuitive to try to “force” yourself to do something that is “supposed” to be about joy, freedom, play. But sometimes it works. I still only play music once or twice a month, which pales in comparison to my high school days when I’d play almost every night – but that’s better than nothing.

Over the past several months, at Matt’s behest, I’ve covered a ton of songs I admire and love: “Jeremy’s Wedding” and “Where Are You, Judy?” by Andy Shauf, “Vines” by Hippo Campus, “Alone Again, Naturally” by Gilbert O’Sullivan, “Saw You in a Dream” by the Japanese House, “Brooklyn” by Brotherkenzie, “Harvey” by Her’s, and “Girlfriend” by Daniel Bedingfield. Playing other people’s songs isn’t quite the same creative rush as setting my own words to my own melodies, but it nonetheless feels like a breath of fresh air after so many years of keeping my music at a distance emotionally, like a lover you’re about to break up with. I’m tiptoeing my way back into what used to be my greatest joy, and it may not feel exactly the way it used to, but nothing really does. That’s the nature of aging.

In adulthood, sometimes we have to schedule our recreation, plan our playfulness, put our aimless meandering on a calendar – or it simply won’t happen. This protocol has taught me that prioritizing my own creative expression (OUTSIDE OF WORK, crucially) is imperative for my happiness, and is an extremely basic act of self-care. I may not be able to become that starry-eyed, ukulele-wielding teenager I once was, but when I make music, I can almost touch her again, can almost hear her. And it sounds like she’s telling me to sing louder.

Monthly Faves: Blue Leather & Deep Rest

Kate Sloan

Wow, it’s been a long while since I’ve done one of these! Here are some of my fave things from January and December…

 

Media

• Matt and I devoured all of Schitt’s Creek together in a matter of weeks, and it’s truly wonderful. Dan Levy is a national treasure, Catherine O’Hara’s costumes and diction regularly made me screech, and it’s so amazing to see queer relationships being depicted in a setting that intentionally lacks homophobia. Would recommend if you’re looking for a new feel-good show to watch and you love black leather, musical theatre, pansexual weirdos, and/or silly sitcoms.

• Some TikTok youths started collaboratively writing Ratatouille: the Musical as a joke, and then it turned into an actual show benefiting the Actors Fund. I hadn’t seen Ratatouille so we watched it the night before seeing the livestreamed musical. The songs absolutely slap; I was particularly enamored with Tituss Burgess’s impassioned portrayal of Remy the rat, and Adam Lambert singing the hell out of a bop called “Rat’s Way of Life.”

• I got to read an advance copy of Torrey Peters’ new novel Detransition, Baby, and it’s a fucking tour de force. A trans woman writing a poignant trans and queer story full of wit, wonder, and social commentary? Yes please!

• The brilliant music writer Sean Michaels makes a list every December of his favorite 100 songs of the year, and it’s always a goldmine of fantastic music recommendations and beautiful music writing. The 2020 list was especially juicy; I made a playlist of my faves and have been steadily absorbing them ever since.

• In an attempt to understand the former president’s psychology a little better (such as it is), I read his niece Mary Trump’s excellent book Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man. Here are my highlights from the book, if you’re curious. There is some absolutely buckwild shit in there.

 

Products

• Matt’s present to me for our 3rd anniversary was a set of pale blue leather bondage restraints from Anoeses. It’s sooo luxe and stunning. I keep wanting to dress up in lingerie + heels + these restraints to do a super glamorous kinky photoshoot.

• I’ve been really enjoying the ways in which my partner and I play with consensual financial domination lately. (Should I do a blog post reviewing all the fancy presents I’ve “forced” them to buy for me?!) One of the manifestations I think we both enjoy most of this is when I “make” them buy me things when they’re super turned on, as a precondition of letting them out of chastity, or even just giving them some mild vibration with a Magic Wand through their cock cage. One such purchase that made me swoon this month was a Coach Willis bag colorblocked with black, grey, and pale blue. I’ve always loved the Willis style for its structured shape and clean lines, and already own a vintage black one, but the modernized, updated design is gorgeous in its own way and feels very grown-up. Maybe I’ll wear it to some businessy event in the future, if such a thing exists…

• Another recent findom gift: a navy-blue Extra Large Warmer scarf from Yokoo, whose knitwear I’ve always thought was sublime. She made me a cranberry-colored cowl a few years back that is definitely one of the warmest things I own (which is important to us Canadians!), and this new one is every bit as cozy and makes me feel like urban glamour personified.

• With new variants of COVID floating around, it seemed prudent to invest in some better masks than the flimsy fabric ones from Etsy I bought early last year and had been wearing ever since. I bought a trio of new ones from Sartor Masks and am very happy with them – they’re made of double- or triple-layered sturdy fabric, have a pocket for a filter, have nose wires that can actually contend with my big ol’ schnoz, and seem to fog up my glasses less egregiously than other masks have. Yay!

• Speaking of masks, albeit of a different kind… I’m an eye-mask evangelist, because wearing one every night has improved my sleep quality massively, thereby lessening a lot of my chronic illness symptoms. I decided to upgrade mine recently, and took the Wirecutter’s recommendation to buy a Nidra Deep Rest mask. It is truly next-level. Adjustable velcro strap, contoured nose gap, and deep eye cups that don’t interfere with the natural eye-fluttering that happens during sleep. Divine.

 

Work & Appearances

• The revered art-porn company Andrew Blake asked me to write some blog posts for them, so I wrote about sexy loungewear’s effect on self-esteem and the (un)importance of penis size.

• You know how some couples announce their engagement/marriage in the New York Times? Well, the first publication (other than my own) to acknowledge my marriage was Vice, in this great Chingy Nea article about making long-distance relationships work. Couldn’t have hoped for a better coronation into wifehood!

• The amazing folks at SheVibe have been making trading cards of sex educators, and I was so flattered that they asked me if I’d like to be included! My card makes me so happy. I only wish I really owned that cool blue leather jacket my illustrated avatar is sporting!

• As part of my continuing protocol where I have to learn and record at least one song per month, I recently learned how to play the song “Harvey” by Her’s, an earworm that had been haunting me. It’s a really fun track based on the play/movie Harvey – yes, the one with the giant imaginary rabbit. I love having a ukulele with me here while I’m stuck in New York – it makes it much easier to be away from home for this long.

• Recent discussion topics on the Dildorks included making marriage kinky, orgasm quandaries, our 2020 sex lives in review, household service in D/s dynamics, platonic touch and intimacy, sex and aging, and what happens when your long-distance relationship isn’t long-distance anymore.

• Some recent favorite essays from my Sub Missives newsletter: daydreams about the ideal New Year’s Eve outfit, answers to questions from the Sex subreddit, reminiscences of sneaky dildo adventures, and reflections on capitalism + card games with the cool kids.

 

Good Causes

• The Black Trans COVID-19 Fund provides the Black trans community with food, shelter, healthcare, and other necessities. They are doing important work and deserve your support!

• The Innocence Project works to exonerate people who have been wrongfully convicted and jailed, using DNA evidence. Brilliant and necessary.

• Unicorn Riot is a nonprofit independent media organization that seeks to “expose root causes of dynamic social and environmental issues through amplifying stories and exploring sustainable alternatives in today’s globalized world.”

• The Emergency Release Fund helps bail out trans people who have been jailed in New York City, because pre-trial detention can be a particularly high-risk time for trans folks.