Let’s do some sex math, shall we?
- Number of male sexual partners I’ve given oral sex to: 23
- Number of male sexual partners I’ve given an orgasm via oral sex: 12
- Number of male sexual partners who’ve given oral sex to me: 17
- Number of male sexual partners who’ve given me an orgasm via oral sex: 4
- Percentage of men I’ve gotten off orally: 52.2%
- Percentage of men who’ve gotten me off orally: 23.5%
In talking to my female friends who have a fair amount of sex with men – especially casual hookups – this seems to be a pretty common trend: fewer dudes try to go down on us, while implicitly or explicitly expecting us to go down on them, and even fewer dudes actually put in the time and effort necessary to bring us pleasure and orgasm.
I recently did a highly unscientific Twitter poll, because I wanted to learn more about this, and it found that 42% of folks with vulvas receive oral sex 0 or 1 time for every 4 times they have sex (versus 36% of folks with penises). This definitely isn’t a perfect poll because it doesn’t take sexual orientation into account, and because some respondents said they don’t receive oral more often because they don’t want to receive oral more often, but the fact remains: no one is a blowjob machine; we all have needs too.
These behaviors, I believe, come from a tangled ball of sexist (not to mention cissexist and heterocentric) myths our culture pushes on us, including:
- Cunnilingus is more intimate than a blowjob
- Vulvas are more difficult to please than penises
- Women’s desire for sex isn’t as intense or as frequent as men’s
- Orgasms are more important/central to men than they are to women
- You don’t have to treat someone with respect if you’re just fucking them casually
I would like to make clear that I’m not arguing everyone wants or should want to receive oral sex, or that orgasms are the be-all and end-all of sexual satisfaction. But oral sex and orgasms are two metrics of many for measuring sexual equality in society. A 2013 study of 600 college students found that women are half as likely to orgasm in a casual hookup as they are in relationship sex. These numbers – as well as the studies supporting the existence of the orgasm gap – suggest that for as far as feminism has come, sexual satiety stats in male-female encounters still skew heavily in favor of men, especially in the realm of hooking up.
This problem got so bad for me toward the end of my sluttiest phase that now I don’t even have the energy for casual sex anymore (at least not with men!). I know it’s overwhelmingly unlikely to leave me satisfied, so even when I’m intensely craving sex, I don’t bother seeking it out on dating apps; it’s good sex I’m craving, and that’s not hookup sex for me. Do all those sexually bumbling dudes know that they’re actually hurting their chances of getting laid by putting zero effort into pleasing their partners?
There isn’t an easy way to rectify this problem, as the best way would involve widespread change in the way our culture talks and thinks about sex and gender. But here are some rules I’d like to set for myself if I ever dive back into fucking casually:
- Don’t have sex with people who don’t make you laugh. Seems unrelated, maybe, but if I find someone funny, I’m likelier to find them attractive (which means I’ll be more aroused and more likely to have a good time), and if they’re putting effort into cracking me up, they’ll probably also put effort into dicking me down well.
- Ask for more “foreplay” if needed. I don’t like the term “foreplay” because it implies that anything before PIV sex is less valuable/important, and also that PIV (or some equivalent penetrative form of sex) is the centerpiece of the session, neither of which are fair assumptions. That said, I often need more time to be spent on the acts we traditionally think of as foreplay, and I shouldn’t feel shy about asking for it.
- Be honest about your needs and wants. I’ve too often been asked “Did you come?” by hookups and responded, “No, but it’s okay,” when I actually wasn’t okay with it. I need to get more comfortable expecting better from my partners.
- Be proactive about your own arousal. True, this isn’t completely within my control, but there are some factors in my arousal that I can control, like my stress level before and during a date, my alcohol consumption on the date, the recency of my last orgasm, and whether I bring a vibrator. I can also fantasize during sex and/or do relaxation exercises to help myself get and stay aroused.
- If someone’s selfish in bed, don’t fuck them again. Pretty simple.
I think following these 5 rules could improve my future hookups drastically… It’s just a question of whether I’m brave enough to actually follow them, and that remains to be seen.
This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.