shaving

This photo was taken in 2010 but it’s still an accurate representation of how I wish to live my life.

Summer is officially upon us. Ah, the season of chub rub, sunscreen, and constant sweat. How I have missed thee.

As a femme, I am well aware that summer necessitates a different approach to skincare, makeup, and hairstyling than the rest of the year – at least, if you live somewhere with extreme seasons, like my hometown of Toronto. Here are some of my favorite beauty tips that only (or mostly) come into play in the summertime…

Get you a decent longwear lipstick. Hassle-free lipstick is lovely all year round, but I find it’s particularly called for in summer: I spend a lot of that season sweating, kissing, drinking cocktails on patios, giving head, and eating messy street meat, among other potentially lipstick-obliterating activities.

I’ll be writing about this in more detail in the future, but for now, here are my top recommendations. If you want bold color, try a budge-proof liquid lip like Maybelline Matte Ink or Kat Von D Everlasting Liquid Lipstick. If you want a subtler look, try a tinted lip balm, or “balm stain,” like this one by Revlon or this one by GlamGlow. You’ll probably want to throw the lipstick, a compact mirror, and some tissues into your bag incase you need to reapply, but with some lip products (I’m lookin’ at you, Maybelline Matte Ink!), I find I almost never have to.

Make your hair a nest of bobby pins. God, I love bobby pins. They are ideal for a wide variety of hair issues that come up in the summer, and at lots of other times, too. I use them to keep flyaway baby hairs in check, to anchor pigtails and buns to my head, and to pin errant sections of fringe out of the way in case of sudden oral sex (hey, it’s important!).

Here are a few of my favorite bobby-pin-centric summer hairstyles:

Using hair elastics, pull your hair into two high pigtails, but only pull the hair partially through the elastic, so you end up with tight little pigtail buns. Position them how you want them and then pin them in place.
While the rest of your hair is in a ponytail, two braids, or really whatever style you want, comb the front part of your hair forward and then flip it back into a pompadour shape. (Back-comb the back side of this section of hair if you need some extra volume.) Position it how you want it, pin it into place, and add hairspray as needed.
Gather your hair into a loose bun on the top of your head using an elastic. (Brush and/or back-comb it before you do this if you want it extra floofy.) Pull parts of it out, move it around, etc. until it looks the way you want it, then pin it in place.
Fold a bandana (color chosen according to the hanky code, natch) diagonally, and again, and again, until it’s a thin strip. Tie it around your head, with the center of the bandana at the back/base of your skull and the ends just above the center of your hairline (or off-center, if you prefer). Anchor it in place with bobby pins (I usually do one in front of each ear and one through the knot at the top).

Slather on some coconut oil before shaving. Damn, I love this shit. Beauty experts will often tell you to moisturize after shaving, since your skin might be dry and/or irritated at that time, but I get even better results when I moisturize before I shave. For blissfully smooth legs, underarms, and labia, I like to rub some coconut oil into my skin 15-30 minutes before getting in the shower, and maybe add some more after I’m done shaving. Best!

Defeat your chub rub. For those unaware, chub rub is the irritation that can occur where skin rubs together on the body, particularly once you introduce heat, sweat, and/or a lot of walking into the equation. Between the thighs is a common spot, though it can happen in other areas too.

Different people have different ways of dealing with chub rub, according to the area(s) it afflicts them and how severe it is for them. Here are some solutions I can recommend:

Monistat Chafing Relief Powder-Gel is my go-to, ever since a friend insisted I buy some a few years back. It’s chemically similar to a thick silicone-based lube (see below), so it helps my thighs glide over each other rather than rubbing roughly together when I walk. It also supposedly aids with moisture control, cutting down on friction even further. Love love love!
My friend Bex recommends Uberlube – another silicone-based product – for chub rub. Like the Monistat gel, it’s slick but also a wee bit powdery, the ideal combo for this summertime complaint.
Some people swear by deodorant or antiperspirant as a chub rub cure. I used to put some between my thighs on summer days and it worked pretty well.
When I really need to ensure I’ll avoid chub rub – like when I’m planning on going for a long walk and don’t want to be in agony by the end of it – I’ll wear little bike shorts under my dress or skirt. These also, conveniently, prevent you from accidentally flashing bystanders if you happen to be rocking a short hemline on a windy day, or if you walk over a subway grate, Marilyn-style.

Wear a “bed scent.” I love this idea, which I first read about in the Dry Down. Rachel Syme recommends wearing perfume to bed, as “a comfort, a balm, a tangible curtain between the waking hours and the dreaming ones.” I would imagine this works best when you maintain some consistency: after all, a scent you spritz on only in bed at night could have a Pavlovian effect and drag you down into sleep more easily.

Notes typically associated with sleepytime include lavender, chamomile, and sandalwood; Syme also recommends oud. So try filtering by those notes on your favorite perfume site (I like IndieScents) and ordering some samples to try. (Also feel free to peruse my past writing on perfume if you need recs. And there’s always the Dry Down.)

Summer is a time when I crave quotidian glamour – when I’m likely to, for example, decadently moisturize my entire body while listening to chill jazz, or prance around my room in high heels having no intention of leaving the house – and the notion of a “bed scent” fits in perfectly with that pursuit. Sometimes you just want to feel beautiful, slinky, and delicious for purely your own sake.

Don’t forget your sunscreen!! I can’t always be arsed to put it all over my body, but at the very least, I put some on my face, my upper chest, and my visible tattoos when I know I’ll be getting some sun. I don’t want my face to wrinkle or my tattoos to fade any sooner than they have to! Plus there’s that whole “skin cancer” thing…

My top pick for sun protection is Neutrogena Ultra-Sheer Dry-Touch Sunblock. “Dry-touch” is a bit of a laugh – it’s greasy, like almost all sunscreens, in my experience – but if I put a little translucent powder over the top, I’m fine. This one doesn’t break me out like lots of other sunscreens have in the past. Consider lip balm with SPF in it, too; I like the ones by Nivea.

What beauty tips ‘n’ tricks get you through the summer?

What does it mean to “get dressed up for sex”?

This question hits me right at the intersection of my sex-nerdiness and my femme proclivities. It fascinates me. Because, as with so many things sex-related, the answer is different for everyone. What makes me feel slinky and seductive might make you feel clunky and ugly, and vice versa. You have to wear what makes you feel sexy – and that information can’t be found in any fashion magazine or advice column. It has to come from within yourself.

Sex and presentation are inextricably linked for many people – sometimes in insidious and not-altogether-healthy ways. Where is the line between celebrities being photoshopped to look like realistic sex dolls in magazines because the patriarchy demands it, and a kinkster consensually pursuing that look as part of a “bimbofication” fantasy? Where is the line between shaving your legs because you feel shamed into it, and doing it because having smooth legs turns you on? Where is the line between hobbling around in high heels because it’s “the proper thing to do,” and slipping into those pumps because the way they change your posture makes you feel like a subby minx?

As with most things kinky, the line between right and wrong here is simply consent, agency, and desire. If you’ve got those things, you’re good. Fly free and do you.

Of course, there are those who are quick to point out that our own tastes and desires are influenced by society, and that this makes our choices less “free,” in a sense. True, smooth-shaved armpits and impeccable eyeliner probably wouldn’t make me feel drop-dead gorgeous if not for patriarchal society and its many enforcers. But the patriarchy is so draining, such a source of despair for so many, that I say we might as well take our little joys from it where we can. There is a silver lining to almost everything, no matter how small, and it sucks that the cloud exists, but I’m gonna cling to that silver lining, dammit.

It used to vex me that I craved knowing partners’ aesthetic preferences. Were they more into butts or boobs? Did they like faceplanting in a smooth vulva or a full bush? Did they prefer me in strappy sandals or stompy boots? It bothered me that I cared so much, until I realized it was a kink thing for me. I’ve learned through trial and error that what I really need is a partner who doesn’t require me to adhere to their standards – because of course, “requiring” that type of thing from anyone is, at best, shitty, and at worst, abuse – but who will nonetheless tell me their preferences when asked. I like surprising partners by showing up looking the way they like me best, especially if I’m submissive to them in our dynamic. It’s a form of service, and I feel super smart and accomplished when I get it right.

It’s worth noting, too, that this is often a two-way street in balanced relationships. It delights me when partners take note of which presentation choices make me swoon – rolled-up sleeves, subtle cologne, shirts that bring out the color of their eyes – and show up to our dates having optimized their ensemble to woo me. My current boyfriend knows oral sex feels better for me when his face is smooth, and I’ll never forget the delicious anticipation I felt lounging in a hotel bed once while he shaved his face in the bathroom. I knew good things were coming.

Clothing, makeup, hairstyling, and perfume can all help me access certain headspaces that are useful for kink. Pigtails, pink lipstick, short skirts, and thigh-high socks are often my go-to when I want to feel submissive; they bring out my inner slutty schoolgirl. When I want to feel more dominant, I’ll often wear leather boots and a decisive, dark-colored outfit that lends me some strength. These cues remind my body and mind of what I’m about to do, and help me feel sexier while I’m doing it.

In a world which tells us all – especially women and femmes – that we have to look a certain way in order to be desirable and thus valuable, it’s refreshing to make aesthetic choices consciously, rather than feeling forced into them. Whether I’m rebelling against patriarchal expectations or deliberately playing into them, I feel strong and sexy knowing the choice was mine.

And then there are times when I abandon aesthetic trappings altogether, good sex having rendered me a sweaty, naked, makeupless heap. Those times are lovely, too.

Bonus: if you’re interested in figuring out which aesthetics make you feel sexiest, here are some questions you can ponder and/or journal about!

Which celebrities, fictional characters, and people from your real life have an aesthetic you admire? What do you like about it?
What types of clothing, makeup, hair, etc. show up a lot in your favorite erotic media (porn, erotica, fanfiction, whatever you’re into)? Do you find those choices sexy? Why or why not?
What do you wear and what do you look like in your sexual fantasies? Would you want to dress/look that way in real life?
What aesthetic elements are commonly associated with your sexuality and/or kinks (e.g. leather, pigtails, tight pants, high heels)? Do you identify with those elements, or not? Why?
What clothing and other aesthetic elements make you feel really sexy when you’re by yourself? Why?
What clothing and other aesthetic elements make you feel really sexy when you’re with a partner? Why?
What kinds of things do you typically wear when you go on an exciting date? Why?
In the past, have partners asked or told you to wear certain things or style yourself in certain ways for them? How did you feel about that?
Which parts of your aesthetic are you okay with your partners having some influence over, and which do you want to be your decision alone? (It’s completely okay if you want to make all your own aesthetic decisions, even if you’re submissive!)
If you could encapsulate your ideal “sex aesthetic” in 5 words, what would those words be? (I think mine would be: feminine, playful, retro, glamorous, and comfortable!)