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5 Myths About Sex Work

Kate Sloan

It’s disheartening that sex work is still so stigmatized in 2018, even after the groundbreaking work of so many sex workers’ rights advocates throughout history. Whorephobic language is commonplace in our media and even our everyday conversations. Stigma against sex workers literally endangers their livelihood and their lives. This has to stop!

I’m not a sex worker (more on that later in the post), but my friends and internet acquaintances in the industry seem to encounter a lot of the same frustrations over and over again. I’ve quoted some of them here, since they would know better than I would, obviously! Here are some common myths about sex work that really need to be busted…

Sex workers are “selling their bodies.”

I mean, in a sense, we’re all “selling our bodies” – or at least renting them out – because our bodies are involved in the labor we do. Coal miners, retail workers, teachers, lawyers, doctors… All of these people use their bodies to do their work. I’m using mine right now, typing this! Sexual labor is labor; there is no moral law that somehow makes sex work worse than any other kind of work.

Sex work is inherently demeaning.

Someone like Marx might argue that all work is inherently demeaning, since you’re exchanging your labor for the human-invented construct that is money… In any case, people who choose sex work often have excellent (and even empowering) reasons for doing so, not that their reasoning is anyone else’s business anyway! If you don’t think working construction or retail (for example) are demeaning, then it doesn’t make any sense to think that about sex work, either. There’s no reason a brothel would necessarily be a worse workplace than, say, McDonald’s or the Gap. And if you do think those other kinds of work are demeaning, maybe your problem is with work in general, in which case you should go lobby for better employment rights and/or basic income instead of yelling at sex workers!

“Cleos on Nile in Brisbane, the capitol of Queensland, is very pro-sex workers’ rights. They provide everything for the ladies to work independently within the venue. The women work for themselves (no pimping) and can refuse service to any client they like. The venue provides everything for the service providers to work in comfort, from cable TV and internet to food and private smoking areas. Condoms, etc. are also provided free of charge, as only safe sex practices are permitted for everyone’s safety. The brothel is owned by an ex-worker who worked for herself for 25 years before saving enough to buy what has become the most successful brothel in the state.” –Lynette Black, owner of Cleos On Nile

Sex work is easy money.

Hahaha, no. I’ve barely dipped my toe into sex work and even I know this one is bullshit. As with any kind of work that relies on building a clientele, maintaining a career in sex work can take a lot of time and energy. Whether you’re crafting and posting ads for your services, filming and editing content for a clip store, promoting the hell out of yourself on social media, or perhaps all three and more, there’s no doubt that sex work is an effortful enterprise. That effort deserves to be recognized and acknowledged!

There’s only one way to do it.

A lot of different activities can be classified as sex work, not just full-service work like what goes on at Brisbane brothels. Cam performers, dominatrixes, phone sex operators, strippers, and porn performers are just a few examples of different types of sex workers. The World Health Organization defines sex work as “the provision of sexual services for money or goods,” which, of course, covers a broad range of transactions. While I have done certain forms of sex work – camming, selling nudes, selling panties, paid sexting and phone sex, and being a sugar baby – I don’t typically call myself a sex worker because I don’t experience sex work-related stigma or oppression to the same degree as many people who do this work on a more full-time basis and/or for survival. All this to say: sex work takes many forms and all of them come with their own challenges.

All sex workers have STIs.

Oh my god, so much to unpack here. So, first of all, having an STI isn’t something we should stigmatize. Many, many, many people have STIs, and many of those people prioritize disclosure, treatment/management, and transmission prevention. But on top of that, remember: sex workers’ sexual health is their livelihood, so of course they take it seriously, and some research has even found sex workers have lower STI rates than the general population (makes sense, if you ask me!). This is particularly true in places where sex work is decriminalized or legalized (just ask escorts in Brisbane) – demonstrating that making something illegal and/or difficult to do just makes it more difficult to do safely and healthily.

What myths about sex work do you wish would just go away?

 

Heads up: this post was sponsored; however, as always, I support and agree with all of the sentiments therein!

Can a Sex Doll Replace a Human?

Kate Sloan

I’ve been writing about sex toys online for over six years, and in that time, I’ve come up against the same mostly-male, mostly-hetero anxiety countless times: “If my partner gets a sex toy, will it render me obsolete?!”

Though I’m bored to death of answering this question, I also understand where it stems from. For a lot of us, our confidence in relationships is at least partly connected to our sexual prowess, and so, if an object can give your partner great pleasure, I guess it makes sense to worry about how that’ll affect your standing in that relationship… assuming you think sexual pleasure is the only thing you think you offer your partner!

Spoiler alert: relationships – even casual, mostly- or exclusively-sexual ones – are about more than just getting off. Sex toys and sex dolls are incredible tools, but there are so many things they don’t provide that human partners do, such as…

Seduction and flirting. True, some advanced sex robots allow you to “seduce” them through words and foreplay, but I would imagine it’s a bit like playing a car-racing video game when you’re actually craving a drive on the open road. There is nothing quite like the slowly-unfolding mystery of a dinner date or even a Netflix-and-chill night. Double entendres and witty repartée abound as you try to discern whether this person might want to kiss you tonight – or more.

Learning a partner’s tastes, and them learning yours. Presumably sex robots will eventually reach a level of advancement that allows for this, but right now, this phenomenon is fairly limited. There is immense gratification in mastering someone’s anatomy and kinks, so you can turn them on with both your body and your brilliant mind.

Smells, tastes, and textures. Products like the Loli sex doll tend to be made of realistic-feeling materials like TPE and silicone, but they’re not quite able to replicate the effect of human skin against yours. Then again, if you’ve had bad experiences with past partners’ questionable hygiene, maybe this is a plus for you!

Feeling desired. Nothing quite compares to the knowledge that another human likes you, wants you, and wants to fuck you. Sex toys are definitely DTF, but they’re not exactly enthusiastic about it, you know?

Laughing during sex. Look, let’s be real. SEXO loverealdolls probably aren’t going to get your weird puns. You can still make yourself laugh, though, so that’s something, I guess.

Cuddling and pillow talk. Sometimes the end of sex can leave you with a hollow feeling, as your neurotransmitters sort themselves out. This is easily combated when you’ve got a cute person to snuggle and talk to, but sometimes lying in bed with a silent sex toy can just exacerbate that lonely feeling. Maybe you and the sex doll could listen to a podcast together or something…

What would you miss most about sex with humans if you switched to only fucking sex dolls, robots, toys, etc.?

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

What’s It Like to Be Little?

Kate Sloan
“Babygirl” crop top from Delirium Toys

Content note for this post: ageplay and Daddy Dom/little girl roleplay between consenting adults; a brief mention of pedophilia.

The first time I encountered the term “little space” was, I believe, in the ageplay episode of the Why Are People Into That? podcast. Journalist and sex workers’ rights advocate Siouxsie Q opened up about (among other things) performing in a “Little Ms. Little” pageant, and how weird it was to sing and dance for strangers from a kinky headspace she normally reserves for private, intimate interactions.

Despite never having encountered the concepts of “Daddy dom/little girl” roleplay or “little space” before listening to this podcast, they resonated in my body and brain immediately. I knew what it felt like to be “little,” and had experienced momentary glimpses of it before. Playing a little girl in improv scenes. Descending into giggly juvenility after too many drinks or tokes. Being goofy around friends and partners I knew wouldn’t judge me. I wouldn’t have known to refer to these moods as a separate headspace, one with its own name and attributes, but when I examined them through this new lens, I realized I had always enjoyed feeling young and small. It was a welcome respite from the pressures and terrors of adulthood.

As a person with depression and anxiety, navigating a career that relies on my constant vigilance and self-directed action to stay afloat, it is an immense relief sometimes to give up control to someone else. This explains why I enjoy subspace, but as for specifically little space, I think it returns me to a time in my life when everything felt hopeful, comfortable, and safe. I was a precocious kid, always getting good grades and impressing adults, and it didn’t feel difficult; I amassed compliments without even having to try. Those moments got less and less frequent as I grew up, because intellect and ambition are less remarkable in a teenager or an adult than they are in a child, but I continued craving them nonetheless.

That feeling of “Yay, I did a good job and someone noticed!” began to get compounded in murkily sexual ways when the compliment came from attractive older masculine people – professors, mentors, friends of the family – and what was once a purely intellectual motivation became a somewhat carnal one too. I craved a relationship in which I could go fully into the headspace that mildly patronizing compliments put me into, without tempering the blushing and giggling that those kind words provoked in me. I wanted it to be a mutually consensual delight, a two-way street: I wanted someone who loved giving me that kind of focused attention and encouragement as much as I loved to receive it.

Subsequent DD/lg dalliances taught me even more about what little space felt like to me, what helped bring it on, and why I liked it. A particularly kink-positive friend-with-benefits once asked me if I’d like to leave a stuffed animal at his place to cuddle during aftercare, and while I appreciated the thoughtfulness of the offer, I realized that my inner little girl wasn’t really interested in those kinds of toys. Maybe I wanted my comfort to come, instead, from being “daddy’s girl” and having that deep, intimate connection with someone I admired who wanted to take care of me.

I learned from that FWB, too, that not just anyone could be my daddy. Not even all masculine dominant types could be a daddy to me. In tentatively exploring my newly-uncovered kink, he called me “little one” and “little girl” fairly regularly, but when he mentioned that I could try calling him “daddy” if I wanted to, I clammed up. As comfortable as I felt with him, I just didn’t quite have the attraction to and intimacy with him that I realized I needed for someone to feel like my daddy. Each time I slipped partway into little space around him, from a thorough paddling or caning while being called “babygirl” in oaky tones, I got self-conscious and sometimes even panicked. The silliness of my “little” self felt too vulnerable to share with this person I had only a casual relationship with. I worried he’d think it was weird or inappropriate if I wanted to nuzzle my face into his chest like a kitten or roll around giggling when we watched cartoons as aftercare. I just couldn’t fully relax into authentic little space with him because he wasn’t the right daddy for me.

Going into that space with new partners still feels vulnerable, even though I’ve done it in a few other relationships since then. Even if I know the person is into D/s, or DD/lg specifically, I still front-load these encounters with excessive explanations – “I get pretty goofy when I’m subspacey sometimes,” or “Sometimes I act weird and make no sense when I’m in scenes” – because I want to know my partners are not only okay with this but also hopefully into it. Just as it takes me a while to feel confident that a new partner actually finds me attractive and isn’t planning to break up with me at any moment (#AnxietyLyfe, am I right), it also takes me some time to trust that they’re just as attracted to Little Kate as they are to Adult Kate. I need to hear them say – repeatedly, continually – that they find it hot when I regress into a wee little whirlwind of whimsy. This can require my partners to confront deeply-held shame, in some cases, as with my ex-daddy who grew concerned that his interest in DD/lg somehow made him a pedophile, even though he only ever wanted to be romantic and sexual with adults.

Once we’ve relaxed into a functioning dynamic, however, little space can be a refuge and a gift for both of us. When in its thrall, I’m able to let go of my anxiety and sadness to a remarkable extent, and delight once again in small amusements, like bad puns and winding stories told in wacky voices. I become innocent and excitable, sloughing off my adult cynicism for the duration of a scene. I don’t deflect or deny compliments like my insecurities tell me I should, but instead, actually hear and absorb them, believing somehow that daddy knows best. I get more immersed in the moment; life’s petty dramas and complications temporarily melt away. I’m easier to tease and torment and tickle, easier to overpower and overjoy. My arousal ramps up more readily because my adult anxieties are no longer holding my boner hostage. Little space is like a cheat code that buys me some time to be effortlessly happy, relaxed, and turned on, even in the face of grown-up factors which make these moods difficult to access.

Little space has superficial effects, too: my eyes get wider, my voice gets higher, my vocabulary gets simpler. I’m easier to manipulate, both psychologically and physically. I’m more prone to dancing, singing, and giggling. Most amazingly, it’s not like I consciously choose to “put on” these affectations; they rush at me straight from my youth, full-force and fully-formed, like a day hasn’t passed since I was 12. I perceive myself as being smaller and younger – and while not all partners join me fully in this perception, that just makes it all the more satisfying to be with those that do. When my current daddy calls me his little one, and talks about how small I am and how much I need and deserve his protection, I know that’s not just lip service; it’s how he really sees me. And that feels just as good now as it did the very first time an authority figure called me a clever little girl.

 

Thank you to Delirium Toys for sponsoring this post! I’m so excited to tell you that they have a brand-new DD/lg section on their site, containing coloring books, stuffed animals, collars, and other treats to help you get into little space. They also sent me the “babygirl” crop tops I’m rocking in the photos for this post. Soooo cute! You can use the coupon code GIRLYJUICE30OFF to get 30% off anything from their DD/lg section!

What Makes a Vibrator “Beginner-Friendly”? (+ Win a Bellesa Vibe!)

Kate Sloan

As a sex educator and sex toy reviewer, a question I get asked a lot is: “What’s a good vibrator for a beginner?”

It’s a deceptively complicated question. Those who ask it often want an easy answer, and there usually isn’t one. It depends on too many factors: Does this beginner already know they like vibration, or are they unsure? Have they ever had an orgasm before? Have they ever even masturbated before? Which part(s) of their anatomy do they intend to use the vibrator on or in? Do they want to be able to use it with a partner, or just by themselves? Do they need it to be quiet, discreet, non-representational, or are they okay with something that’s a bit harsher on the senses? How much are they willing and able to spend?

As you can see, deeming a vibrator “beginner-friendly” isn’t as easy as it sounds. However, there are a few qualities which – in my expert opinion – make a vibe suitable for first-time sex toy users. Here’s what to look for…

Body-safe materials. If you start with a toxic jelly toy, you’ll probably be scared off vibrators forever by the chemical burns, internal infections, and/or bad smells. These perilous toys are seductive because of their low price point, but they’re just not worth it. Look for phthalate-free, non-porous materials like silicone, hard plastic, glass, and stainless steel.

Multiple modes and speeds. To experiment with vibration properly, you’ll need to try several different types and timbres. The easiest way to do this is with a vibrator that has at least 5 different speeds and maybe a few patterns. That way, even if you end up hating a few of the modes, there will likely be some you actually enjoy.

A versatile shape. Many toys marketed as “vibrators for women” are designed with G-spot stimulation in mind, but you can use them in many more ways than that! Any vibe meant for internal use can also be used externally, such as on the clitoris or perineum. If an insertable vibrator has a flared base and is made of a non-porous material, it can also be used anally. Hooray for multifaceted toys!

And now, for the exciting part: I’ve got a decidedly beginner-friendly (though also intermediate- and advanced-friendly) vibrator to give away to one lucky reader in North America!

Bellesa makes sex toys for women, though truth be told, their vibes could be used by anyone of any gender. They’ve offered up their Euphoria vibrator, a toy made with anal play in mind (hence that flared base) but also plenty useful for vaginal penetration or external stimulation. It’s got 7 stimulation modes, is submersible in the tub, and is made of body-safe silicone – so it ticks all my “beginner-friendly vibe” boxes and more!

You can enter to win using the widget below, if you live in North America. I’ll draw a winner after 2 weeks, so you have until September 1st to enter!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Thanks to Bellesa for sponsoring this post! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

8 Fellatio Fears and How to Conquer Them

Kate Sloan

Blowjobs used to be one of the scariest acts I could imagine, and now they’re one of my favorite things. I’ve come so far (and made so many people come)!

As such, I get a lot of emails, tweets, DMs, and comments from folks who want to give more head, more skilfully, but are running up against a specific issue that makes this tricky for them. So here’s a little cheat sheet of common cocksucking conundrums and how I’d recommend combating them…

You feel obligated to give head, and you don’t want to.

How to deal:

  • Try to remember, above all else, that consent and comfort are paramount to sex and that anyone worth dating or fucking will know this.
  • That said, you’ll have a hard time finding a sexual partner who doesn’t want some kind of sexual reciprocation in their relationships, and giving pleasure is fun, so look for alternate ways to do that. Handjobs, sex toys, good ol’ P-in-V sex, and even talking dirty in your partner’s ear while they jerk off are all lovely ways to please someone without sucking their dick.
  • If you’re concerned your partner quietly resents you for not giving them head more often or at all, don’t just silently worry about that – talk about it. Have a proper sit-down conversation about it; ask them if it bothers them and negotiate other things the two of you could do together instead.
  • If you want to like giving head, take baby steps. Maybe tell your partner you’re going to blow them for five minutes and then switch to a different activity. Maybe start giving handjobs that incorporate progressively more and more of your mouth. Look for something you can enjoy about BJs, whether it’s the servicey headspace you get into or the sounds your partner makes or the texture of the cock against your tongue, and focus on that.

You’re scared of gagging/choking.

How to deal:

  • Tell your partner (or remind them) that this is a concern for you, and that they should therefore avoid pushing your head down onto their cock, thrusting into your mouth, and so on. Assert and defend this boundary relentlessly as needed.
  • Firmly wrap your hand around the cock midway down the shaft so it can’t get deeper into your mouth than you want it to.
  • Use your (lubed) hand on the shaft, in sync with your mouth, so that it feels like you’re taking it deeper than you actually are. Oooh, a cocktical illusion!
  • If you’re comfortable doing so, try deliberately gagging yourself a little bit on the dick once in a while by taking it just a little too deep. It’s easier to handle when you’re doing it to yourself and can choose when and how it happens, and “practicing” like this can acclimatize you to the sensation and may even lessen your gag reflex over time.

You’re scared it’ll taste bad (or you know it does).

How to deal:

  • Try taking a shower or bath together beforehand. It’s possible to soap up someone’s dick in a sexy manner, I promise. (Ask first!)
  • Use this knowledge how you will: the taste of semen and precum can be improved if the owner of the dick eats more fruit, drinks more water, and cuts down on their consumption of coffee, alcohol, spinach, cigarettes, garlic, onions, and spicy foods. (Sex writer Violet Blue recommends a smoothie made of pineapple juice, mango juice, a banana, half a cucumber, fresh ginger, vanilla extract, and honey. Sounds delicious!)
  • If you’re concerned the bad taste may actually be due to neglectful hygiene practices and/or some kind of health issue, gently and kindly broach the issue with the partner in question. Try not to make them feel embarrassed or ashamed. Emphasize that you’re bringing it up out of concern for their health and that you’d just looove to suck their cock more once the issue is resolved.
  • If all else fails, there’s always condoms (I would recommend either flavored ones or unlubricated ones, because regular condom lube tastes pretty gross) and/or flavored lube.

Boner issues are deflating your enthusiasm.

How to deal:

  • Absorb this reality check: boners are not a foolproof measure of arousal, attraction, or enjoyment. Erectile issues can be caused by a whole host of issues – medical, psychological, situational, and otherwise – and don’t necessarily portend a damn thing about how hot you are or how good your blowjobs are.
  • If you are feeling insecure about your desirability or sexual skill because of a boner problem, it’s okay to ask your partner for reassurance about those things. Just be aware that they may also be going through some difficult feelings about it and may not be in a good position to reassure you immediately.
  • Remember that dicks can still feel pleasure even when flaccid! Use your lips and tongue. Find new, inventive ways to give your partner pleasure with your mouth. Emphasize, with your actions and your words, that you are there to exchange pleasures and have fun, not to check off a bunch of goals on a sexual to-do list.
  • That said, your partner may not want a BJ while flaccid, for various reasons. Make the offer, but also be open to their alternate suggestions. Maybe getting you off would help them feel more capable and sexy in a moment when they might not be feeling that way.
  • If it’s a recurrent issue, and it regularly causes distress to one or both partners, medical help might be warranted. As with anything sensitive, approach this discussion with compassion and tact.

You’re worried you’re bad at it.

How to deal:

  • Communicate with your partner! If you raise this concern, they may very well tell you you’re being ridiculous and your blowjobs are actually fantastic. Or they might have suggestions for how you could change things up to give BJs that please them better.
  • Do sexual science experiments to determine which techniques work well for your partner. Think like an optometrist: is “A” better, or “B”? Try going deep and shallow, fast and slow, gentle and hard, wet and less-wet, and see which your partner responds to better. Ask them questions and pay attention to their body language and their breathing.
  • Look for new technique ideas in instructional sex books, porn clips, erotica stories, and whatever other blowjob-centric sexual media you can find. You never know when you’ll come across something that shifts your whole BJ game.
  • Remember that what you offer goes beyond just physical skill. The best blowjob machines in 2018 may be out of this world on a mechanical level, but they don’t compare to the hotness of having a real live person in front of you, sucking your cock.

You’re worried you don’t look hot while you’re doing it.

How to deal:

  • Again: communicate with your partner. They probably think you look hot while you’re down there. Try asking them, “What turns you on about watching me give you head?”
  • Watch blowjob porn – and, in particular, POV blowjob porn – for ideas on how to unleash your inner porn star while you give head. Smouldering eye contact, pouty lips, and a brow furrowed in mild desperation are all popular features of this porn genre… and they’re classics for a reason!
  • When this anxiety is particularly acute, consider blindfolding your partner. It adds a fun kinky twist to the experience and also takes the pressure off you to look scintillatingly hot at every moment.
  • Is there some pre-BJ primping you could do that would make you feel hotter in the act? Maybe some mascara, lipstick, blush, lingerie, or a particular hairstyle? These things are totally optional, but might make you feel more secure about how you look.
  • Remember that what you look like isn’t actually that important. If you focus on enjoying how the cock feels in your mouth and paying close attention to your partner’s responses, you’ll do a better job – and that concentrated-cocksucker aesthetic is super hot in and of itself!

You don’t know what to say.

How to deal:

  • Embrace that not everyone talks dirty and not everyone needs to. Maybe you can communicate everything you need to with just your eyes, and of course, your hot wet mouth.
  • If you do decide to delve into dirty-talk, keep it simple. Most people aren’t looking for a flowery dissertation while their cock’s being sucked. “You like that?” “Does that feel good?” “You want me to take you deeper into my mouth?” “You wanna come down my throat?”
  • Watch blowjob porn for inspiration. Some of my favorite dirty-talk pros are Aiden Starr, Tina Horn, Nina Hartley, and Heather Harmon.
  • Start sexting your partner more often (or at all, if sexting isn’t something the two of you already do), and pay attention to the language they use for their own body and sexual responses. They’re subtly communicating the language that turns them on.

You don’t want to swallow cum.

How to deal:

  • Tell your partner that (nicely, and without body-shaming or kink-shaming them). If they’re decent, they’ll understand.
  • Switch to a handjob toward the end of the BJ. Make sure your hands are wet from your spit (and/or add additional lubrication) so there’s not a huge difference in sensation. Have them come somewhere other than your mouth that’s acceptable to both of you – maybe on your face, your chest, or their own belly.
  • If you are okay with them coming in your mouth, but just don’t want to swallow, you can let the cum dribble out of your mouth onto them. It’s kinda messy, yeah, but they probably won’t be too bothered because they just got to come in your hot little mouth. (Maybe bring them some tissues, though!)
  • You could always go the classic route and just spit out the cum in a nearby receptable (cup, garbage can, even a tissue in a pinch). Just, again, don’t be shamey in the way that you do this. That stuff came out of their body. If you act like it’s gross, they’re going to think you find them gross… in which case, yeesh, why are you having sex with them?!

What problems do you encounter while giving blowjobs?

 

Heads up (pun definitely intended): this post was sponsored! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.