threesome

Monthly Faves: Tangerine Dream, Vanilla Reverie & Lemongrass Perfume

Kate Sloan

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Maaaan, it was a weird month in my sex life. I started on sertraline (generic Zoloft) and it gave me some extremely annoying and disheartening sexual side effects, which I’d been warned about but had decided to risk anyway. My libido, sensitivity, and orgasmic potential were out of whack for much of the month. But the meds couldn’t kill my sexual spirit entirely: I still got up to no good, as I usually do!

Sex toys

• My Ttamage glass dildo got a surprising amount of use this month, considering how long I’ve had it and how infrequently I dig it out. I had more G-spot cravings than I usually do, for some reason, and the Ttamage dildo is one of the most ergonomic G-spot dildos I own because there’s so much extra length to use as a handle. Nothin’ like pounding your spots with cold, hard glass that warms up inside your body… Mmm.

• I’ve had my Liberator Wedge for a few years, and while I like it, it’s so big that it’s not always convenient to use. I’ve been wanting a smaller positioning aid to use during masturbation and PIV sex. It was love at first sight when I fondled a Jaz Mini at a sex shop in Milwaukee. The Jaz is barely wider than my hips, so it’s easier to manoeuver into place than the Wedge, and it’ll be easier to schlep to partners’ houses if I ever do that.

• Okay, marijuana isn’t technically a sex toy. But a) I couldn’t think of another toy to put on this list, and b) weed helped so much with my libido troubles this month. Specifically, a strain called Tangerine Dream, which makes my skin feel all warm and tingly, a sensation that parlays easily into arousal. Unfortunately, the Toronto police just cracked down on dispensaries so my weed usage might have to be put on hold, at least until the federal government legalizes it…

Fantasy fodder

• My mid-masturbation Google searches are the most accurate representation of what really turns my crank. This month, for whatever reason, “she keeps going after he cums” is a thing I typed into Google a lot. I found videos like this one which turned me on to no end.

• I have an occasional play partner who’s super vanilla, but who often gives me verbal permission to fantasize about anything I want while he’s stimulating me if it’ll help me get off. I love that! It’s remarkably selfless to acknowledge that your partner’s mind might not always be on you and that’s okay. But in this case, I was thinking about him – just a kinkier, toppier version of him. This is what’s so cool about sexual fantasy as an arousal tool: you can imagine anyone you want, doing anything you want. My vanilla fuck-pal might never call me a “good girl” or spank me as hard as I like it, but I can experience that in my fantasies to my heart’s content… and maybe one of these days, I’ll get him to dom me IRL, too.

• Fisting drifts in and out my fantasy life a lot. I think I’m drawn to it more for reasons of emotional intimacy than physical satisfaction. Much like anal sex, I’d only want to engage in this taboo act with a highly trusted partner – and I’m sure it would be amazing if I was able to open myself up to it, figuratively and literally.

Sexcetera

• Holy hell, you guys. My threesome with Bex and our anonymous gentleman friend was so fantastic. No disrespect to my previous threesome compadres, but this one was easily my favorite of the three ménages I’ve been in. It was basically an amalgamation of all my favorite elements of sex: blowjobs, fingerbanging, sex toys, spanking, makeouts, and gigglin’ up a storm. When we were all fucked out, we ordered Mexican food, pigged out, and then crawled into bed for an all-night three-way cuddle pile. It was truly a perfect night. And – get this – we might be able to reprise it when all three of us are in the same city for a few days in July. (Shh… Bex and I haven’t pitched this plan to our dude-pal yet. But I have a feeling he’ll be down…)

• Mid-May brought Smut in the 6ix, an all-day porn extravaganza featuring panels, screenings and performances. It was so much fun! I got to meet fellow sex bloggers, listen to smarties talking about their smutty passions, giggle at great porn on the big screen, play music for a crowd, and dance my ass off. I love my community!

• I’ll probably blog about this in more detail at some point, but my sexuality has felt really non-genitally-focused lately. Or at least, not focused on my genitals. I’m sure it’s at least partly because of my sensitivity and libido issues this month, but I’m currently less interested in having my bits stimulated and more interested in doing stuff to other people with my mouth and hands. (“Stone” is a term sometimes used in queer communities to describe people who have sex in this way.) We shall see how this develops…

Femme stuff

• One morning in early May, I was at work and I got a text from my friend Tynan. One of the many things Tynan does professionally is aromatherapy, and she’d had a detailed dream about making an aromatherapeutic blend specifically for me. She described the dream-blend to me – lemongrass for repelling negativity, pink grapefruit for a deeper connection to my body, and rose for self-compassion – and I thought it sounded totally blissful, so she said she’d make it for me IRL. I’ve been wearing it every day, a drop on the collar of my shirt or dress, and I looooove it. It’s femme but feisty, just like me, and it makes me feel so calm and happy!

• I bought a teal skater dress at a Forever 21 in the Mall of America in Minnesota last month, and I’ve been absolutely thrashing it lately. Yay for clothes that are easy to just throw on and go, and still look kinda fancy!

• Bex is such a huge influence on my brain and my life; why not my aesthetic, too? I admired the quirky/queer/kinky vibe of all the sex-positive pins grouped together on their leather jacket, so I adorned my own jacket in pins when I got home from Minneapolis. It looks preeeeeetty damn good.

What things made your month magical, my darlings?

When Sex Nerds Plan a Threesome

Kate Sloan

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This weekend, I’ll hop on a bus and ride it for 10 hours, into another country, where I’ll have my first out-of-homeland threesome. We’ve been planning it for six weeks. Those weeks have felt like years.

See, both of my previous threesomes were impromptu – happy accidents of timing and circumstance. This one was deliberate, chosen, considered. I can see the merits of both approaches: spontaneous sex gives my anxiety less time to take root and psych me out, while long-haul schemin’ allows for excitement to build like a pre-record-launch hype campaign.

Any activity is more fun if you’re doing it with people who love it. That’s true of sex, and it’s also true of planning sex. Both of my threesome co-conspirators in this case – Bex and a gentleman friend of ours – are as nerdy about sex as I am. This made our brainstorming, scheduling and co-ordinating into a delightful process, like planning a party… except with more sexting.

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The Negotiations

When you think about sex critically and deeply on a regular basis, you become more aware of what you want, what you like, what turns you on – and what doesn’t. Once you know what you want, the next step is to ask for it. That can be scary sometimes: our carnal cravings are so close to our hearts and entrenched in cultural shame that often our inclination is to downplay our desires. But I’m lucky enough to be having a threesome with two people I deeply trust, who I know would never shame me for articulating what I want.

In weeks of chatting and spitballing, we came up with some mutually exciting activities to include in our threesome docket. And the best part of it is, all three of us are so easygoing and invested in each other’s enthusiastic consent that we know we can abandon anything on the list if it feels wrong on the day of. “We’ll just be like a bunch of little puppies,” dude said to me in one of our many excited exchanges about threesome logistics. “We’ll try stuff out.”

Bex and I are solely-platonic friends who engage with each other sexually on a very limited basis, so part of our negotiations involved setting boundaries for what we will and won’t do to each other. Fortunately, we were on the same page about everything we discussed: we’re cool with doing a double BJ, making out, and some boob stuff, but below-the-belt action is off the table except for maybe manoeuvring dildos.

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The Feelz

Sex nerds understand that sometimes sex stirs up feelings, and the best defense against icky feelz is to talk them out, before, during and after your experience of them. Good communication where everyone feels respected, heard, and valued = good sex, with minimal drama.

The dude in our trio is someone with whom I have sexual history. He also gives me hella heart-eyes feelings, and I sometimes struggle with jealousy when I really like someone. Both he and Bex repeatedly made sure I was okay with “sharing him,” before and during the planning of our ménage. Though I might have felt gross if he’d jumped into the three-way headfirst without regard for my feelings, the amount of care he took with me put me at ease. As of right now, I’m not feeling a shred of jealousy – but I know that if I do feel strange on the day itself, I’ll have two friends there to talk it out with.

If you find yourself dealing with similar jealousies leading up to a threesome, think about what kinds of accommodations might help with that. I asked Bex if I could be the one to swallow dude’s cum after we blow him together, because being “rewarded” with jizz at the end of a beej feels satisfyingly intimate to me and I think I’d be sad if I missed out on it. Bex said yes, ’cause they’re an angel.

Bex has also recently started using they/them pronouns full-time and publicly identifying as non-binary, and that entered into our pre-threesome talks as well. Dude was amenable to learning about gender stuff, especially since he knows getting it wrong could kill the moment – so we talked about what pronouns, names and titles were and weren’t okay. Yay, respect and correctness!

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The Gear

I know all you sex toy nerds are curious about what I’m bringing, so here’s a rundown:

• Pegging may or may not happen, depending on the Whims of the Butthole. I’ve packed my pink Aslan Jaguar harness. Assuming we get the go-ahead, it could either be me or Bex who’ll do the fucking; we’ll see how we feel. I’ve also packed my bright blue Happy Valley Perk, because it feels the most like “my cock,” though I’m open to strapping on other dildos too.

• Dude likes using toys on people, and has proven his prowess at doing so. Bex and I think it’s hilarious to imagine him fucking us each simultaneously with our own Eleven or Double Trouble, so I’ve packed both of mine. Dual-wielding!!

• Vibe-wise, I’m bringing my Magic Wand Rechargeable and maybe my Tango. I just need something reliable to hold on my clit while dude finger-bangs me or pounds me with a toy or fucks me… Um, no, I’m not blushing! Why would you say that?!

• Bex and I like when I spank them, so that’ll probably happen during this threesome. They own all our favorite implements (including the almighty Pelt), so the only impact toy I’m bringing is my Maddie’s Dungeon wooden paddle, ’cause it’s cool.

• I threw my Ryder in there because last time I slept with this dude, he liked how tight my vag felt when the Ryder was in my butt. I am always eager to please.

• Like a Boy Scout, I am prepared as hell: my sex toy bag is topped off with dude’s favorite condoms, some lube samples, and black latex gloves.

Have you ever planned a threesome? What was the process like for you? (And what toys did you bring?!)

12 Days of Girly Juice: 2 Fears Defeated

Kate Sloan

I wanted to write about fears, because anxiety is a big part of my life. It affects me when I’m writing a difficult exam or performing music in front of a crowd, so of course, it affects me when I’m gettin’ sexy, too.

But this was an interesting year of forcing myself out of comfort and into discovery. I try to do that every year, but 2015 was a year where I really felt like I succeeded. Here are two fears I confronted headfirst in 2015…

 

1. Being watched during blowjobs

Oh, I know. I’ve talked your ear off about this before. But it really was major.

In 2011–2012, I went from “crying and hyperventilating at the very thought of giving a BJ” to “enthusiastically going down as long as the recipient had their eyes closed or a blindfold on.” And it was only in 2015 that I finally felt able to give a BJ without caring if the recipient was looking.

Of the five (!!) men to whom I gave blowjobs in 2015, only two received my spiel about “hey, I have a weird thing where I don’t like to be looked at during BJs; would you mind turning the light out/closing your eyes/looking the other way?” And both of those times were first times with the partners in question, so it was normal for me to be nervous.

I even caught myself slyly looking up at a partner while his dick was in my mouth recently, and as basic as that is, I can’t recall ever doing that before. The thought of it always previously gave me sooooo much anxiety about how I looked while giving head (slutty, silly, whatever). It felt like a massive step forward to even be able to exchange those two seconds of eye contact.

And hey, guess what? 2015 also brought the first time I ever gave a blowjob with spectators. Our cuddle-pile and emergency threesome at Playground involved me blowing someone while 1–2 other people looked on. And honestly, it didn’t freak me out at all. I barely even thought about it. I was just excited to have a cute boy’s cock in my mouth.

 

2. Threesomes

I had two threesomes in 2015, which is apparently enough that I now warrant the nickname “Threesome Girl.” (Seriously, someone called me this. People are strange.)

Recently I got into a discussion with some coworkers about threesomes, and one of them said, “I don’t think I’d ever have one. It doesn’t seem like it’d be fun.” This amused me because that’s what I used to think, too. Sex with more than two participants just didn’t seem up my alley. I thought it’d feel less intimate, more scattered, and that one person would inevitably feel left out of the action.

I also questioned whether I’d ever find two people who I was actively attracted to, who were also both attracted to each other. It seemed like a longshot at best.

Both of my threesomes thus far were very impromptu, each happening within a couple hours of being suggested, and I think that’s the only way they would’ve worked for me. Given advance notice, I would have panicked and talked myself out of it. “There are too many ways this could go wrong,” I would have thought. But everything went blissfully right.

There was none of the detachment or awkwardness I had feared. Both experiences felt shockingly intimate – sometimes even moreso than sex with only one person. I felt close to the action even at times when I wasn’t directly involved in it.

And though I had long denounced any threesomes where all three participants weren’t scaldingly attracted to each other, that part was actually fine too. Me and Bex don’t have sex with each other or even kiss, and that was perfectly okay because we were both so into the guy we were boning. Me and Georgia don’t have a particularly sexual connection either, but she nonetheless went down on me like a champ, and we both enjoyed it. I’m learning that there are a lot of complicated factors involved in making a sexual experience feel fun, and white-hot attraction isn’t necessarily mandatory (at least, not for me).

 

What sexual fears did you face in 2015?

12 Days of Girly Juice: 3 Fave Encounters

Kate Sloan

When I was mapping out the different categories I wanted to cover for the 12 Days of Girly Juice, I wondered, “How can I possibly narrow down my sexual encounters to just 3 favorites?”

And then I thought about it for a few seconds and realized I knew exactly which 3 encounters I wanted to write about.

 

1. Confidence Fuck

When my 3.5-year-long relationship ended in 2014, we already hadn’t had sex in a few months. And then I went another year without dating or having sex with anyone. So that was rough.

Part of the problem was that my confidence was decimated. I had body anxiety and social anxiety and basically wondered if I was doomed to a life of hermitdom and celibacy.

But then in August, I went on a couple dates with an internet crush of mine, and we hooked up. In the grand scheme of things, it was nothing major, but it felt major. It ended a rut of self-loathing and self-pity that had kept me out of the game for a while, and kind of kickstarted a chain of sexy events.

It was also, y’know, fun and hot and great in its own right. And it definitely stands out as one of my strongest sexual memories of 2015, for reasons both emotional and sexual.

 

2. Dapper Dom Dude

I’ve long suppressed or backburner’ed my kinks, because most of my past partners were either pretty vanilla or even more submissive than me. Nonetheless, I undeniably wanted to be held down and hurt and called names and overpowered.

I had the good fortune of sleeping with a few different dom-y people in 2015; however, the first one has really stuck with me because that experience just felt so new and exciting. We only hooked up a couple times and barely scraped the surface of our kinks, but it was enough to give me a deeper sense of what I was looking for.

I learned I like having my tits slapped. Being called “good girl.” Having my hair pulled. Dark, filthy whispers in between kisses. Being held down while getting fucked hard. Commands like “Come for me.” All of it within a consent-conscious framework, with check-ins before, during, and after.

Well, fuck. How can your sex-brain not undergo a massive shift when all of that happens to you for the first time?

 

3. Emergency Threesome

I had a threesome with a close friend and a guy I’ve had a crush on for years.

In a big, beautiful, empty house that another close friend let us borrow for that express purpose.

It involved cunnilingus, blowjobs, handjobs, nipple play, boobs in faces, scruffy makeouts, smiling, giggling, a Pure Wand, and a voyeuristic cat named Seamus.

I mean. That’s pretty hard to top.

 

What were your favorite sexual adventures in 2015?

Playground Diary, Part 2: Macarena, Mollena, & Mac & Cheese

Kate Sloan

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Where I left off, Bex was patiently waiting for me to put my makeup on for Playground prom. (Applying silver glitter eyeshadow can be a fairly involved process, as you might know.) We put on our sparkly dresses, grabbed Greek takeout, and shoved it messily into our faces while riding the subway back to the hotel. (We classy.)

The prom was sooooo much fun, and I say that as someone who normally hates anything involving a club-y or dance-y atmosphere. Usually that sort of vibe gives me massive anxiety and introvert exhaustion in short order. But the entire Playground Conference was set up to be a safe(r) space, and there were so many friendly faces everywhere I went, that I didn’t feel nervous at all. I danced my ass off with lovely humans the whole night: we literally stayed until the DJ said goodnight and they turned the lights back on.

Some prom highlights: Shrieking with excitement when a Justin Bieber song came on. ♥ Rogue (who is more outgoing than me, and therefore more capable of interacting with strangers) asking the DJ to play the Macarena on my behalf, and then getting to Macarena real hard with a bunch of other enthusiastic weirdos on the dance floor. ♥ Remembering midway through the evening that I had a paddle in my bag, and letting folks use it on each other. ♥ Laughing so hard at a cute boy’s Christopher Walken and James Spader impressions that I had to immediately announce “I have a huge crush on you,” which caused him to kiss me. ♥ Shrieking along with the high notes in Senorita. ♥ The total acceptance with which Lavender was greeted when she decided the dance floor was too hot and took her dress off.

There was to be a sexy after-party when prom ended – after all, post-prom is the time to lose your virginity… or, um, have a kinky orgy in a hotel room… – but I was too tired to party any more, so I ended up going home to sleep in a handsome man’s bed. (No, really. Just to sleep. I was tired as fuck from all that dancing!)

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After creeping home in the morning to shower and get dressed, I subwayed back to the hotel just in time for JoEllen and Stephen‘s talk on sex and depression. There was a remarkable feeling in that room: it felt like the crowd was hungry for the information being shared. Like all of us who’ve suffered from depression, and who have struggled with our sexuality as a result, were dying to both hear about others’ experiences in this regard and share our own. It’s true what JoEllen says about sex and depression, that it’s a difficult topic because it’s the intersection of two taboos – and that’s also what makes it so intensely freeing when you do get to hear about, and talk about, that intersection.

That session was fantastic, but also quite heavy, as you might expect. So when I received an invitation to a hotel room cuddle party immediately afterward, I accepted on the spot. Cuddles with sex-positive cuties are an excellent treatment for the sads. We took the elevator up, and our cuddle party devolved into a sleepy sex-pile. (I mean… It was a sex conference. Did you really expect our cuddles to be chaste?)

12224521_1132535596757421_182425694_nWhen the owner of the aforementioned hotel room had to check out of it, we were faced with the task of finding a new location for what had become an emergency threesome. I hesitate to write too much about the fun and funny fuck-times that ensued – I’d rather keep it in reserve for Tell Me Something Good or more private settings – but let’s just say it was gooooood.

Threesomes, and group sex in general, make me nervous as hell in theory. It feels like there’s so much that can go wrong, so many ways that one person can feel like a third wheel or that everyone can feel awkward and uncertain. But luckily, that hasn’t been my experience with either of the threesomes I’ve been in. I guess I know some good people!

We finished up and got on a streetcar back to the hotel, where we arrived just in time for the final keynote with Mollena Williams and Herr Meister. It was a really wonderful ending to the conference because it was so low-key: instead of being a structured speech/talk, it was really just a dialogue between Mollena and her Master about their relationship. I think it was exactly the emotional cooldown we needed to help us transition back into “real life” – almost like non-sexual aftercare.

In her closing remarks, Samantha suggested mac and cheese as a viable self-care strategy for dealing with con drop. Bex and I took that idea and ran with it. After hugging folks goodbye – and returning the threesome-location key we’d borrowed – we returned to 7 West for massive quantities of comfort food. We ended up talking for 4 hours or more, just debriefing about the weekend, and it was truly the perfect conference wrap-up. ♥

Thanks so much to Samantha Fraser for making the Playground Conference happen, and to all the folks who traveled from near and from far to attend it. It was ridiculous amounts of fun and I feel so grateful to be a part of this community. Love love love!