XOXO

Behind the Seams: XOXO 2024

Kate Sloan

August 21st, 2024

I had to take two flights back-to-back, spending a grand total of 12 hours in airports and airplanes each way, to get to XOXO Fest 2024. But it was worth it.

I last went to XOXO in 2019, when my spouse, mb, introduced me to it. It’s “an experimental festival for independent artists who live and work online” – hey, that’s me! – and brings together writers, podcasters, designers, musicians, and filmmakers (among many others) from around the world. It involves social meetups, conference talks from smart people about the wisdom they’ve accrued on the internet, demos of cool games and art projects, and (famously) raucous karaoke parties.

The pandemic was not kind to the events industry, however, so there hasn’t been an XO for five years. This latest one, in 2024, was the final one, equal parts reunion and last hurrah. I knew I had to be there, and was really blessed that both mb and I were able to get tickets.

I wore this out for dinner at Canard (always good, highly recommend) after arriving in Portland late on Wednesday night. Lately when I travel, I’ve enjoyed packing clothes that all match each other and go together, for the maximum number of viable outfit combos – so you’ll see throughout this post that I’m decked out in blues and greens, which incidentally matched the decor of our hotel beautifully!

What I’m wearing:

• Green polka-dotted dress – thrifted in 2015
• Blue cashmere cardigan – J. Crew
• Black leggings – Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black leather Coach Willis bag – vintage on eBay
• Rainbow earrings – an Etsy store called 3DelightfulShop

August 22nd, 2024

On this day, we got a delicious brunch with our pal DJ Pynchon from the hypnokink community, who is lovely. Then I spent a good portion of the afternoon soaking in a tub in our hotel room, letting my fibro-ridden body recover a bit after all that travel.

In the evening, we had dinner with my friend Epiphora, one of the people who initially inspired me to become a sex toy reviewer many years ago. She is, as ever, brilliant and funny.

Then we went to the XOXO opening party for a while, before I ducked out to go play some songs at an open mic at Haymaker Bar, thanks to my very talented and sweet friend Eric who had invited me. Definitely an unusually packed day for me, but such is the nature of travel sometimes!

What I’m wearing (you’ll have to ask mb yourself if you want to know the deets of her fabulous outfit here):

• Green tri-blend tank top – American Apparel
• Turquoise pleated skirt – Zhanchtong
• Black leather jacket – Danier Leather
• Navy knee-high socks – gift from my mom
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black leather Coach Willis bag
• Magic Wand earrings – an Etsy shop called FUELifestyle

August 23rd, 2024 (morning)

The first full day of XO started with a welcome address from “the Andys,” Andy Baio and Andy McMillan, who organize the conference. (All hail!)

After checking in with the delightful pen-and-paper nerds at the #stationery meetup, we attended a few sessions from the Indie Media Circus lineup, hearing from creators and founders about how they’ve built reader-supported projects that seem more sustainable than the current (dying) mainstream media apparatus.

My love had just gifted me this shirt, a souvenir from WWDC. I love the vintage Apple logo – and the rainbow, of course, which matched my earrings perfectly!

What I’m wearing:

• Apple T-shirt – gift from my spouse
• Black modal nightgown – Calvin Klein Sleepwear
• Blue cashmere cardigan – J. Crew
• Black leggings – Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black leather Coach Willis bag
• Turquoise leather collar – Tiffany’s, a gift from my love
• The ever-stylish and ever-present XOXO badge/lanyard

August 23rd, 2024 (evening)

After the Indie Media Circus, I went back to the hotel for another bath, so I’d be refreshed for the rest of the day, which was mostly social meetups. I didn’t attend as many this year as I did in 2019, because I was trying to pace myself, energy-wise – but I caught up with mb at the #queer meetup, where we chatted with some cuties, and then we walked over to Rum Club for the #cocktails meetup, where we chatted with yet more cuties. (The piña colada I had was quite possibly my favorite drink of the whole trip.)

Then we grabbed a quick dinner at Mucca Osteria before heading back to the beautiful Revolution Hall to catch the evening’s “Sideshow” programming, which was a series of live podcast recordings. I think my favorite was Never Post, although Depths of Wikipedia was hysterically funny as well.

What I’m wearing:

• Floral-print skater dress – American Apparel
• Apple Watch with Hermès watch band – both from my spouse
• Same cardigan, leggings, bag, boots, earrings, and badge as above

August 24th, 2024 (morning)

A slightly more subdued outfit for the final day of XOXO! This was the actual conference day, so there were a ton of fascinating talks given by total geniuses.

My favorite talks included Gita Jackson on worker-owned and subscriber-funded media, Erin Kissane on the COVID Tracking Project, Ed Yong on compassionate health & science coverage, and Cabel Sasser telling a wacky story about a mural on the wall of a McDonald’s that left me laughing, sobbing, and wanting to make more art. XOXO really is a magical place.

During our lunch break, mb and I went to Dimo’s Apizza for a wonderful pepperoni pie and a couple of Negronis in the sunshine. A perfect day.

What I’m wearing:

• Pale blue T-shirt – gift from my friend Sarah
• Blue cashmere cardigan – J. Crew
• Navy high-waisted skirt – Old Navy
• Black leggings – Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black leather Coach Willis bag
• Magic Wand earrings – FUELifestyle

August 24th, 2024 (evening)

I managed to squeeze in one more quick bath before heading out to the XOXO closing party. It ended exactly how it should’ve ended: with the two Andys doing karaoke to the Ghostbusters theme. (In 2019, the music podcast Punch Up the Jam did a legendary live show at XOXO where they talked about the Ghostbusters theme for an hour and a half. In my admittedly marijuana-soaked memory, it is the funniest thing that has ever happened, so I was glad to see a callback to it all these years later.)

I danced. I giggled. I sang along. I felt grateful to have gotten to attend XOXO (twice!). I felt inspired to wear more weird outfits, make more weird friends, and post more weird art on the internet. Thank you for that, XO staff & community. 💖

What I’m wearing:

• Blue and green patterned dress – Winners, I think? The label says Maggy London
• Same cardigan, leggings, boots, bag, badge, collar, watch, and rainbow earrings as above

12 Days of Girly Juice 2019: 4 Fun Events

Kate Sloan

I got to attend many fun and eye-opening events this year, in Toronto, New York, Portland, and Montreal. It was hard to pick just 4 to highlight here, but these were really the standouts…

Tinder Live

Comedian and author Lane Moore tours the continent with this fabulous show, in which she sets up the screen of her iPhone to project onto a wall so the audience can see it, and then literally just… Tinders. Live. There are a few rules – she only makes fun of men, for example, since women and non-binary people get their fair share of harassment already – but mostly you just get to watch a hilarious person have silly Tinder conversations with random strangers. Attending this event was such a light-hearted balm for my Tinder-weary heart (why is everyone on that app a terrible conversationalist?!) and helped me once again see dating as less soul-sucking and more playful, joyful, serendipitous. Thanks, Lane!

Suicide Intervention for Weirdos, Freaks, & Queers

(Content note for this one: suicide, suicidal ideation.)

Carly Boyce – who my longtime readers might remember as a tarot reader who’s given me some much-needed illumination and encouragement in the past – teaches a truly incredible workshop on suicide intervention that I was lucky enough to get to attend this year. Carly led a discussion on suicide-related myths and fears, and then offered some concrete strategies for keeping your loved ones and yourself safe when suicidal feelings come up. I took many, many notes during this session that I’ve subsequently frequently referred to, when I or someone in my life was feeling unsure about staying alive – unfortunately a not-uncommon thing – and each time, I was so glad to have these tools under my belt. Thank you, Carly, for the knowledge and light you put into the world.

XOXO

I was lucky enough this year to get to attend XOXO, “an experimental festival for independent artists who live and work online” (that’s me!). I was nervous, because it’s a big conference full of big personalities and I am a smol shy weirdo, but it ended up being an incredibly welcoming and safe-feeling space for me. Some of my favorite talks included Lindsay Ellis‘s reflections on being hounded by trolls, Emma Kinema‘s inspiring words on the importance of unions, and Hbomberguy‘s heart-warming tale of a wacky fundraising drive. The nightlife at XOXO was my fave, though – I still think fondly about the night I spent watching Pump Up the Jam and the Allusionist do live podcasts and laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. I hope to be able to attend XO again next year!

Blunderland

I was introduced to the House of Yes and their frequently sold-out variety show Blunderland by my clever friend Bex, and I’m so glad. It’s a raunchy night of over-the-top amazingness: burlesque, slapstick, storytelling, music, aerial silks, and more. An honorable mention goes to the House of Yes’s production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, which I also got to see this year; I’ve never seen a queerer, kinkier, poly-er adaptation of that play!

What were your favorite events you attended in 2019?

Monthly Faves: Strangers, Bimbos, & Ghostbusters

Kate Sloan

It was an offbeat month in my sex life, full of strange kink insights and trippy adventures… Here are some highlights!

Sex toys

• The biggest news in my toy drawer this month was that my precious Eroscillator Top Deluxe BROKE while I was in Portland! After 3 years of loyal service, I guess it decided I had dropped it one too many times (sorry, pal), because two different segments of the body of the toy fell right off. I tried in vain to piece it back together, and then eventually gave up and ordered a new one. It really is that good; I considered whether I could live without it and determined that I could not.

• I got an email from Dame, a sex toy company from whom I didn’t own anything, offering me a toy of my choice. The Kip clitoral vibrator was an obvious selection for me; it’s vaguely Tango-esque and BRIGHT YELLOW! I will probably review it in full at some point, but for now, just know: this adorable little vibe is rumblier and stronger than its small stature would indicate, and it has a lot of features I’m always yelling at sex toy companies to implement, like an up AND a down button, and a travel lock. Well-played, Dame.

• To continue to give Dame kudos: their new aloe-based lube, Alu, is pretty damn good. The ingredients list is impressive (no glycerin, parabens, or propylene glycol) and you can even order a $4 silicone sleeve called Grip that goes around the bottle to prevent you from dropping/throwing it when your hands are lubey. So smart.

Fantasy fodder

• My partner and I have wanted to do a “strangers at a bar” roleplay for a long time and this month we finally got around to it. On one of our free days in Portland, I took a book to a cocktail bar near our hotel, ordered a daiquiri, and sat alone reading – one of my favorite solo date activities. Sir came in a few minutes later, sat a stone’s throw away, and started chatting me up after a little while. One thing led to another and we ended up back in “my” hotel room… This was a super fun roleplay that I would highly recommend, and apparently my vagina agreed, because (uncharacteristically for me) I had an orgasm during PIV – whoa!

• During one of our many late-night phone calls, my Sir asked me what I’d been fantasizing about lately, and I mentioned enjoying the thought of someone going down on me because it’s their job – like a sex worker or an unconventional masseuse. Because my Sir is a genius, they quickly conjured a roleplay in which they, my daddy, had hired a male escort to give me head for my birthday, which he would do while Sir gave him moment-by-moment instructions. This scene pinged so many of my kinks – and also made me laugh a lot, when Sir said the escort was “setting up his supplies” and I couldn’t imagine what “supplies” someone would need for plain old puttin’ a mouth on a vulva!

• I’ve been thinking a lot lately about mental blankness. It helps that I’ve been reading a lot of Sleepingirl‘s hypnosis stories, but more generally, I’ve been pondering the ways intoxication, trance, and subspace can each help me float away inside my own brain during scenes when that’s what I want. For someone like me who’s constantly anxious and overanalytical, sometimes nothing is sweeter or more necessary than just shutting down the ol’ brain and receiving pleasure in absentia. Sir and I did a scene exploring these themes recently through hypnosis and “bimboification”; it was really fun, in a way, to feel my faculties draining away from me.

• Speaking of Sleepingirl: I commissioned her to write me a short story about a sub getting through the airport security line with the help of their hypno-savvy dom. It’s so cute and emblematic of how romantic hypnosis can be.

Sexcetera

• This year I got to attend the XOXO festival for the first time, and it was phenomenal! Some highlights for me: going to a social meetup of language nerds and playing a loud word game led by Gretchen McCulloch, hearing Harry “Hbomberguy” Brewis talk about raising money for Mermaids by live-streaming himself playing Donkey Kong, seeing Amelia and Emily Nagoski talk about the perils of burnout, the entire live podcast lineup, and meeting some readers of my blog (hi)!

• I participated in the Smutathon on Saturday, sex writers’ attempt to write for 12 hours straight to raise money for the National Network of Abortion Funds. My final word count for the day was 13,336 – that’s 11 blog posts (many of which will go up here over the next couple months), 3 newsletters, and 4 poems. The fundraiser has pulled in almost $3K so far – we’d still love to get that up to $5K!

• My Sir and I guested on the Off the Cuffs podcast together this month! It was really fun to sit down with two of my favorite people, drink cocktails, and chat about kink. We covered erotic hypnosis, sleepy sex, long-distance relationships, coming out as kinky, and more. Matt also guested on Question Box; we competed to see who could answer the most personal questions. You know what they say: the couple that podcasts together, stays together… or something…

• Sextistics: This month I had in-person sex 13 times and phone sex 21 times, totalling 34 sessions.

Fashion & beauty

• XOXO gave out adorable pronoun pins to its attendees and I’m so into mine. If we’re gonna normalize sharing our pronouns by default, which we absolutely should, we might as well do it in style.

• I ordered 3 new lipsticks from Sugarpill and they’re all great, though Bliss is disappointingly almost my exact natural lip color (plus glitter), so I doubt I’ll wear that one as much as the other two. My favorite of the bunch is Hijinx, a berry shade overlaid with blue glittery iridescence. Incredible.

• I have a mega-crush on model Alexa Chung (I mean, upon seeing her, who doesn’t, frankly), and lucky for me, she has a YouTube channel now where she does makeup looks, hair tutorials, and more. It’s very good and she is very pretty.

Media

• You owe it to yourself to check out this episode of Punch Up the Jam about the Ghostbusters theme. I was present at the live recording and have honestly never laughed that hard during a live podcast before. You’ll learn a lot about this iconic song and you might also wonder what the hell Ray Parker, Jr. was thinking at times.

• I kept hearing good things about Trick Mirror: Reflections on Self-Delusion by Jia Tolentino, so I tore through it, and it was great. I’ve been thirsting for more essays from introspective women ever since devouring Esmé Wang’s The Collected Schizophrenias, and this hit the spot. It touches on reality TV, “late-capitalist fetishwear,” the beauty myth, Southern hiphop, drugs as a gateway to the divine, and more.

• Current song obsession: “Favorite Show” by Great Grandpa. I keep waking up with this tune lodged in my head lately, so I’ve been groovin’ to it a lot.

Little things

Sleeping together over the phone. Our incredible guests on Question Box. Laughing with Max in his sunny back yard. Getting a window seat on planes. The Multnomah Whiskey Library and their fancy bartenders. Going to the rose garden while really high (um, would recommend). The photobooth machine at the Ace Hotel. When you can tell who’s the dom and who’s the sub in a photo. Hanging out with Epiphora and her wonderful cats. Wandering through Powell’s for hours. Matt bringing me coffee in the morning. “I just want everyone to know that I’m very gay.” Serendipitously sitting next to actors I admire at the theatre. Client projects that fascinate me. Sir sending me ramen when I was sick (and then, later, watching this video of a pastry chef attempting to make gourmet instant ramen from scratch). Seeing Lane Moore and DeAnne Smith do Tinder Live at Comedy Bar, from front-row center. Attending the Bi Arts Festival with a queer femme friend. Going to see movies by myself. Shopping with friends. Solo cocktails-and-reading dates at the Library Bar.