A question I’m often asked, when people find out I’m a sex toy reviewer, is: “If you could design your dream sex toy, what would it be like?”
I understand the thinking behind the question, but – as my foodie boyfriend pointed out to me when we discussed this – it’s a bit like asking a food critic to write up a Michelin-starred menu. People who create a particular thing have a different skillset from people who critique that thing, in most cases. I know what qualities I appreciate in toys, but if I tried to actually design a toy based on that knowledge, it would probably lack cohesion and ergonomics, and it might not even be physically possible to make. Because I’m not a toymaker. I’m the Rob Gordon of sex toys: a bitter-yet-avid connoisseur of the field, who can say “good!” or “bad!” but who can’t actually make the things I write so much about.
Except… maybe modern technologies can start to solve this problem. This online “dildo sculptor” lets you design your dream dildo shape, which you can then have 3D-printed, make into a mold, and make silicone dildos from. While I can’t guarantee I’d ever make a masturbatory masterpiece the likes of which Vixen Creations and Uberrime are cranking out, it’s nice to at least have the option.
These “what’s your ideal sex toy?” conversations start getting a little more charged when you realize the question comes from a place of insecurity. This isn’t always the case, but occasionally it’s seemed that way. Answering this question in a relationship with a dick-wielding person might seem innocuous, but sometimes it plants seeds of self-doubt in the asker’s mind, vis-à-vis their wang. I’ve had cis male partners get visibly uncomfortable when I expressed a preference for bigger dildos, assuming that meant their own cock wasn’t up to snuff. But that’s not what it means, because dildos and people are totally different things!
I don’t subscribe to the “sex toys are a consolation prize for human partners” school of thought (although I have used them as such, sometimes, when my craving for dick was outpaced only by my social anxiety about seeking out a hookup to satisfy that craving). I actually think some of the best dildos (or “dildoes,” as some people insist on spelling it) are ones that do something a flesh-and-blood dick simply cannot. No penis, no matter how great, can attack my G-spot with the cool fury of the Njoy Pure Wand, or stretch me woefully wide like the Vixen Randy. And here’s the kicker: THAT’S FINE. Penises don’t need to be like toys. My mouth certainly doesn’t feel like a Fleshlight. It’s not supposed to!
I’m encouraged by these print-your-own-sex-toy technologies, because they put more power into the hands of consumers (however inept at design those hands might be). Maybe this will eventually result in more people owning sex toys, normalizing them, and recognizing that they don’t threaten sexual connections with other people. In many cases, they can even strengthen those connections: it can be deliciously vulnerable, for example, to let someone plough you with a big piece of silicone!
To answer the question I posed myself in the title of this piece: my dream dildo would be long, girthy, firm, vaguely S-shaped, easy to hold and thrust with, and visually beautiful to boot. But that doesn’t say a damn thing about my cock preferences. Hell, I’ve never fucked anyone whose dick was S-shaped, and I’ve still gotten off with partners many a time!
I think we need to stop extrapolating about folks’ sexual preferences just from what’s in their nightstand, because – much like sexual behavior and sexual orientation are two separate-but-probably-overlapping dimensions – the objects someone likes to use in/on/around their genitals are not necessarily reflective of what they want your genitals to look/feel like. And trust me, you offer more than your genitals. No dildo has ever muttered dirty phrases in its user’s ear, spanked or bitten its user with roguish ferocity, or held its user in the post-orgasm glow. No dildo makes jokes as funny as yours, writes sexts as salacious as yours, or makes as warm and comforting a cuddle buddy as you do. You’ve got nothing to worry about, pal.
Dildos are friends, not foes!
This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.