Review: Lelo Mona Wave

There are a number of missteps that get sex bloggers up in arms. Conflating vulvas with vaginas. Sexist or racist toy marketing. Medical misinformation. We hate all of those things, but if you really wanna set off sex blogger tantrums galore, try telling us sex toys are a substitute for a human partner. Oh, we will flip our wigs.

So, what I’m about to say is somewhat sacrilegious, but: the Lelo Mona Wave is a sex toy which makes it glaringly, dishearteningly obvious that I am fucking a sex toy and not a person.

Normally this wouldn’t bother me. I’m under no illusions about sex toys needing to feel like real dicks, or mouths, or what have you. I know that human partners edge out toys in terms of spontaneity, excitement and responsiveness, but toys usually win when it comes to intense G-spot stimulation, hyper-efficient orgasms, or multi-tasking. But there’s something about the Mona Wave that routinely makes me sad it’s not a person. Like, deeply, disproportionately sad.

The Mona Wave is basically Lelo’s answer to Fun Factory’s Stronic line: automated thrusting for lazy masturbators comme moi. But while the Stronic thrums back and forth like a thrusting cock, the Mona Wave curls up and down like the come-hither-ing fingers of a G-spot-savvy lover. If that lover was extremely stoned or had just taken an elephant tranquilizer.

See, the Mona Wave’s motion is slooooow. There are two movement speeds, and they might as well be called “leisurely” and “tortoise-esque.” And that slowness is what makes me wish the toy was a human. It tries to directly imitate something humans do – that intense finger-curling that pleases so many G-spots the world over – but it does a bad job at replicating this act. If the Mona Wave were a human, I could sit up, give it a slightly exasperated look, and chirp, “Faster, please!” But it’s not a human, so I can’t do that. And it makes me feel… weirdly lonely.

Getting finger-fucked is one of my favorite acts. I fantasize about it frequently, and it’s often the way I get off with partners, their thick fingers stroking my insides as I hold a vibe to my clit. But what makes it exciting for me is the dynamism. It’s electrically hot to feel someone’s fingers quicken inside you when they sense that you need that, or ramp up the power of their thrusts as they feel you getting close. A well-attuned partner might slow down as you descend from the peak of your orgasm, or keep pounding at top speed if you prefer that. The Mona Wave doesn’t do any of these things, or even approximate them convincingly. And I know a toy isn’t a person, but it feels like Lelo has sent me a toy to do a person’s job.

Aside from the lacklustre motion settings, there’s not a whole lot to say about the Mona Wave. It vibrates, too, but as other reviewers have noted, the vibrations are disappointingly weaker than those on the standard Mona 2. I can rarely get off with the Mona 2 anyway – its vibrations are rumbly-ish but still just a liiiittle too buzzy for my demanding clit – so the Wave’s non-motion modes aren’t terribly exciting to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had several wonderful orgasms with the Mona Wave. But the G-spot stimulation is so tantalizingly slow that it feels like a partner is trying to keep me on the edge without letting me go over. If you’re into that sort of carefully meted sensation denial, you might enjoy the Mona Wave‘s lackadaisical stroking. But if your G-spot needs speed or pressure (and most need both), I’d recommend a Stronic thruster instead, or any decent G-spot dildo you can thrust by hand. You deserve better than a toy that almost gives you what you want.

Thanks for sending me this toy, Lelo!

Monthly Faves: Happy Endings & Bubble Baths


O is for October, and also for Orgasm, and Oooooh Yes, and Oh my god October was a sexy month. Here are some highlights…



• Honestly? I’ve been using my fingers a lot this month! I’ve often found they’re not stimulating enough to get me off on their own, but lately I’m thinking it’s mostly an issue of mental stimulation, not physical. I seem to get bored and distracted a lot more easily when I’m using fingers versus toys. But if I’m watching porn at the same time, often fingers are all it takes. Cool!

• The only two dildos in heavy rotation for me this month were the Eleven and G-Spoon. Dat A-spot action. Mmm, yes.

• Still mega infatuated with the Magic Wand Rechargeable. I find I rely on it more often when my life is particularly busy or stressful, because it gets me off easily and quickly.


Fantasy fodder

• Most of my fantasies this month were about getting fingerfucked to orgasm by handsome, vaguely dom-y gentlemen. It’s no coincidence that two of my favorite sexual encounters in the past few months also involved this act… but I wonder if it’s my fantasy because I did it, or if I did it because it’s my fantasy?!

• Amateur oral sex porn is my jam and gets mentioned here practically every month. Whoops. Usually I’m all about BJs but this month I was also diggin’ on some amateur cunnilingus scenes. Viz: extreme close-up, cute dude pleasin’ his lady, and (an old-school favorite!) porn stars teaching oral skillz.

• I recently revisited one of my favorite pieces of sex writing – Rachel Rabbit White’s essay on getting a “happy ending” massage – and it reignited my long-standing kink for sex as a service. I did a fair amount of research on Toronto-based “erotic masseurs,” even spending several hours reading testimonials on one practitioner’s website. As searingly hot as this notion is in my mind, I just don’t think I’ll ever have the guts to go through with it… (Or, let’s be real, the money. Sexy massages are expensive as fuck!)



• I’ve been doing cam shows for horny patrons lately and it’s been fun! I thought I would feel skeezed out about masturbating on webcam for strangers, but actually it’s very affirming. I have my fair share of body insecurities, but it’s hard to hate your body when someone is actually paying you for the privilege of looking at it, all while jerking off and telling you how gorgeous you are. (Oh, horny men. The bad ones are awful, but the good ones are adorable.)

• The ever-charming Taylor J. Mace took some scantily-clad and naked photos of me for his porn company, Feisty Fox Films. He claims to be a photography novice, but damn, he made me look (and feel) fantastic! If you need a dose of body-love in your life, I heartily recommend enlisting someone clever to shoot photos of you in a flatteringly-lit room.

• By far, my best solo-sex experience of the month was when I drew myself a hot bath, crumbled half a Sunny Side and half a Brightside into the water, poured myself a big glass of white wine, turned out the bathroom lights, pointed my laptop at the tub with some fisting porn playing on it, climbed into the bath with my G-Spoon + Eleven + Tango, and went to town on myself for over two hours. Normally my baths do not even approach this level of luxury, but I had the house completely to myself for one elusive evening, so I decided to go all out. Damn, self-care feels so right and so necessary sometimes.



Femme stuff

• In mid-September I bought some men’s boxer-briefs because they come up higher on my torso and felt like the healthier choice while my tattoo healed. It took until October for me to realize how sexy I feel in them. They may not be “feminine” but I kinda want to wear them every day.

• I bought a vintage red leather jacket for a Halloween costume that never came to pass, but it’s okay because I look hot in it. (Why must autumn slip away so quickly?! I want it to be leather-jacket weather forever!)

MAC lipstick in “Matte Royal” is possibly the weirdest, most gothic lipstick I own. Maybe one day I will pluck up the courage to actually wear it out of the house…


What were your favorite things in October, my darlin’?


Monthly Favorites: Grey Glass & Fingerfucking


You guys, August was such a weird/exciting month for me sexually. It was a bit of a whirlwind. Let’s identify some highlights…


• Surprise, surprise: my most-used toy of the month was the Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon. Or, as Luthvian aptly calls it, the “G-Swoon.” Nothing else feels quite like it, except maybe the fingers of a partner who knows exactly where my A-spot is and how to stimulate it. Holy fuck.

Peepshow Toys sent me the Jimmyjane Iconic Wand this month and I have been diggin’ it. It has its problems (hang tight for my review) but it feels Hitachi-esque without the Hitachi’s excess bulk or noise. A surprise smash!

• The Eroscillator could be on this list for literally any month of my sex toy reviewing career, because I got it when I started my blog and it’s been my right-hand man ever since. But I felt a renewed appreciation for it this month, when I used it in a partnered-sex situation for the first time in a long while. It still works really well in that context. (And, to the immense credit of the dude I was using it with: he already knew what it was, and was interested to feel how oscillations differ from vibrations. ♥)


Fantasy fodder

• In mid-August, I got finger-fucked so excellently that the memory proceeded to make me blush and giggle daily for the rest of the month. I had never really thought of finger-fucking as a particularly nuanced skill before, but hooooly shit, some people are ridiculously, brain-warpingly good at it.

• This Jake Peralta/Nick Miller crossover fanfic hasn’t even gotten sexy yet, but the very idea of that pairing entertained me in my carnal moments after reading it. (Let the record show that Bisexual Jake Peralta is canon, now and forever, amen.)

• I experimented this month with jerking off to non-sexual recordings of people who have attractive voices. (Mostly Benedict Cumberbatch reading poetry.) It didn’t really work. My mind got too wrapped up in the subject matter and I couldn’t focus enough to get off. Does this mean I don’t have a voice kink?



• hahahaaaa I got laid for the first time in ~16 months. It was both a totally big deal and not a big deal at all, if you know what I mean, which is nice. (Just in time for my breakupiversary, too!)

• I attempted Tinder this month. It is kind of awful (for me, anyway). I have feelings about it. You will get to read ’em soon.


Femme stuff

• I am in talks with an Etsy seller to order a piece of vulva art-jewelry custom-made to look like my actual vulva. Obviously I am going to write all about it when the deal is done and the vulva-ring is on my finger!

• My new signature scent is Elizabeth & James Nirvana White. It is summery, feminine, and a little bit sexy (much like my previous, much-beloved, tragically-discontinued signature scent, Kate by Kate Moss). My bestie says it smells a bit like white wine, which might explain why I’m drawn to it…

NARS Audacious lipstick in “Charlotte” is the ideal cranberry red and you can’t convince me otherwise.


What were you obsessed with over the past month, my loves?