Review: SSA Glass Royal Adventure

Dear SSA Glass: I love you, I love you, I love you! Sincerely, GJ’s vagina.

Seriously, though – this month I was lucky enough to receive a Royal Adventure dildo, and my ladybits are smitten.

Previously, my favorite SSA Glass toy was the Amethyst, with the Bubbly coming in a close second, but the whimsically-named Royal Adventure has usurped them both.

Like all the toys this company makes, this one is made of glass, but unlike all their other toys, the Royal Adventure is semi-realistic (in layman’s terms: it kinda looks like a penis). It has a defined head, complete with a coronal ridge and a little faux frenulum, and its shape and size are reasonably average. (It has an insertable length of 6″ and a diameter of 1 ¼”.)

The not-so-realistic element of this dildo is the corkscrew-like ridgy texture that swirls around its shaft from base to head. These ridges are intense and are spaced closer together than I’m used to, so at first they felt foreign and jarring – but with enough lube and arousal goin’ on, I quickly grew to love this texture.

The Royal Adventure has a curve, but it’s hardly anything at all; this isn’t a G-spot toy. Rather than targeting a particular spot, it stimulates the entire front wall of my vagina, while also being long enough to nudge my A-spot.

Another notable thing about the Royal Adventure is that it’s harness-compatible. This is pretty uncommon for glass toys. I can think of a few people who would look totally foxy with this sapphire beauty strapped to them. It’d work not just for vaginal penetration but also for pegging, if the recipient’s ass is experienced enough to be able to handle the texture and firmness.

In summary, yeah, I absolutely adore the Royal Adventure. It is so good that I can forgive SSA Glass for occasionally making baffling mistakes, like releasing an entirely smooth and straight dildo.

Review: Doc Johnson Reflections Serenity

The Doc Johnson Reflections Serenity is a glass G-spotting dildo that comes in either black or pink.

Because of its curve, firmness, and two differently-sized bulbs, it often gets characterized as a cheaper ($35) alternative to the Pure Wand. And while it is an okay dildo, there is nothing which can truly rival the Pure Wand. If you’re deadbent on getting a good G-spot toy, let me tell you right now that it is worth saving up the extra money for.

The main reason the Serenity doesn’t live up to its hype is that its curve is totally wimpy. All the promotional photos I’ve seen of the Serenity seem to be taken at a slight angle, making the toy’s curve look more extreme than it is. Next to many other G-spot toys, it may as well be a straight line.

That big bulb isn’t doing it any favors, either. It’s wider than the Pure Wand’s bigger bulb, at maybe 1.6" across, and it’s also wider than it is long, meaning that it feels really awkward and sometimes even painful during insertion and removal.

Plus, once it’s finally in me, I find that it doesn’t even stimulate my G-spot that well unless I tilt the handle way down toward my butt.

The smaller end, though, is weirdly kind of nice. I have difficulty explaining why, but it does a good job of finding and rubbing my G-spot. Not good enough to make the toy worthwhile overall, mind you, but at least I was able to get some enjoyment out of it.

If you’re looking for a G-spot toy that won’t seriously injure your bank account, there are way better ones out there. The Lelo Ella is $30, the Amethyst is $25, and the Acute is $32, for example. You don’t have to shell out for the Pure Wand, but you also don’t have to settle for the Serenity.

Thanks, Sex Toys Canada!

Review: Jopen Key Comet Wand

The Jopen Key Comet Wand is the must-have sex toy of 2013.

Yeah, I said it.

In previous years, everyone clamored over intriguing G-spot treasures like the Njoy Pure Wand, VixSkin Mustang, and Lelo Ella. And while I still love those toys, their time in the limelight is more-or-less over. The Comet Wand is the hot new star on the scene.

It has what is widely considered the holy trifecta of epic G-spot stimulation: a severe curve, a big bulbous head, and unrelenting firmness. This combination works for many people but you’ll want to look at your past experiences with G-spot toys to figure out if the Comet Wand is right for you. Some people have issues with curved toys catching on their pubic bone during thrusting, for example.

The Comet Wand is also too girthy for beginners, and even sometimes for me. It’s 1 ½" across at the widest point, and is 100% firm with no give whatsoever, so it’s certainly not a wimp, size-wise (but it’s not huge either).

That said, if your anatomy can contend with the Comet Wand’s size and curve, and if you like G-spot stimulation, you will freak the fuck out over this toy, guaranteed.

It provides some of the most intense G-spot sensations I’ve ever, ever encountered. I don’t squirt, but I can tell that if I did, this toy would be the catalyst of some very messy adventures. It feels so astonishingly good that sometimes I set down my clitoral vibe mid-session and just luxuriate in the sensations emanating from my vagina. That is not something that happens often for me.

The Comet Wand is made of glass dipped in smooth silicone. The glass gives it its firmness, while the silicone stops it from feeling deathly cold when you first touch it to your body. I love this combination of materials, though I will say that this particular formulation of silicone seems to eat lube like nobody’s business. I typically have to reapply at least 2 or 3 times per session. It’s worth it for me, but if you’re stingy with your lube, stay away from this dildo.

The only other real concern I have about the Comet Wand is the seam where the glass part meets the silicone. There’s a small dip that goes all the way around the toy and seems a likely culprit for collecting lube and juices. My G-spot is shallow enough that I haven’t ever needed to insert the Comet Wand that far, but liquids could still conceivably drip down into that crack, so get out your old toothbrush when it’s time for cleaning.

Other than those few issues, though… the Comet Wand is pretty close to perfect. It effortlessly strokes the fuck out of my G-spot and makes me thank my lucky stars I was born with a vagina. When sex toy reviewers look back on 2013 in a few years, they’ll think of the Comet.

Review: Icicles No. 26

Last week I went to an introductory anal play workshop at my local sex toy store. The instructor warned, “The rectum curves, so toys made of hard materials like glass are not ideal if they’re longer than a couple of inches or so.” I nodded my agreement, but then, at the end of the workshop, I totally ignored her advice and bought an Icicles No. 26 butt plug. It was just so pretty. And, I rationalized, I had never tried a glass plug before.

I should have listened to the instructor. This plug has 4″ of insertable length, which is longer than a firm plug can comfortably be (at least, for my body) – and to make matters worse, the tip of it is pointy and pokes me in the rectal wall. Lovely.

The tapered tip makes insertion a lot easier, which is why it’s such a staple of anal toys everywhere, but in a toy this long and this hard, it’s just not a practical feature once the plug has been inserted. I can’t sit down while wearing this plug, because it feels like I’m going to puncture something.

The base is also annoying, as circular butt plug bases tend to be. It cuts into my asscheeks unrelentingly. Will anal toy designers (other than Tantus, Fun Factory, and Njoy) ever learn that cheeks exist?

On top of all those other complaints, I also found this plug too girthy at 1 ½”, but that’s a matter of personal preference. Just be aware that a glass plug will always feel thicker than a silicone one, even if it’s the exact same size, because glass does not squish to accommodate your body. Yet another reason why silicone is the best material for anal toys.

One of the only things that makes a glass butt toy worthwhile is that, if it’s clear, it allows a partner to look up your butt. For reasons I cannot personally empathize with, some people find this sexy. If you do, this is a good plug for that.

Aside from being a butt-o-scope, though, the Icicles No. 26 is really kind of awful. Pipedream makes another glass plug which looks plenty more manageable, so maybe I’ll try it once my ass recovers from its recent trials.

Review: Luscious Playthings glass vaginal egg

The Luscious Playthings glass vaginal egg comes in many different sizes, ranging from extra small to extra large. Normally this would be a good thing, but for a kegel product with no retrieval cord, I can only recommend the extra small size… and only to people who are comfortable putting at least half their hand into their vagina.

I was sent the small size, which isn’t that small: 1 ½” in diameter, the same width as some of the bigger dildos my vagina can handle.

It’s a beautiful product: totally smooth all over, softly pointed ends, high-quality glass. As an object of beauty or a paperweight, it’s flawless. However, as a vaginal product, I can’t recommend it.

I inserted it with only a minimal amount of lube. (Don’t do this. Trust me.) I stood up and bounced around, checking how well it stayed in. It didn’t move or shift at all, which should have been a warning sign; the mechanism by which vaginal eggs exercise the PC muscle is by feeling like they’re almost slipping out, thereby forcing you to clench your muscles to keep the egg inside. There was none of that feeling with this egg, because it’s too big and I’m too tight, evidently, even when totally relaxed.

After noting that the egg’s shape and dimensions fit my vagina so well that I couldn’t even feel the damn thing inside me (disappointing), I tried to push it out with my vaginal muscles.

Nothing happened. I reached inside and tried to pull or push it out of me, and again, nothing happened. This is when I started to panic.

My boyfriend was there at the time, luckily. I laid on my back with my legs pulled up and instructed him to lube up two fingers and try to extract the egg. He did, and we spent a good fifteen minutes like that, him fishing around in my vag and me trying to bear down with my muscles. Let me tell you, it was not comfortable. (Irrelevant sidebar: my boyfriend was hard the whole time. Not because he found my pain arousing, but because he gets hard easily and he was touching my vagina. If I hadn’t been in so much discomfort, I would have laughed.)

We even tried inserting the Magic Banana as a sort of makeshift vaginal lasso, but by then, the egg had gone up fairly deep into me and I didn’t want to push it in any further by accident.

Then I remembered that there is a position in which the contents of my vagina (e.g. a menstrual cup) tend to slip out, even when I don’t want them to. I know this because it’s the position I usually sleep in, but can’t when I’m on my period, lest my cup fall out and ruin my bedding.

The position involves lying on my stomach, with one leg (usually the right one, though it probably doesn’t matter) pulled up and bent. Imagine a flamingo or a person hopping on one foot, except lying down on their front. That’s basically what it looks like.

I laid in that position and pushed out rhythmically with my muscles while my boyfriend looked on. After a few minutes of that, I finally gave birth to the egg. And then immediately vowed never to try it again.

The product itself isn’t a bad one. Having no retrieval cord isn’t a big deal if the toy is shaped and sized in such a way that it can come out easily with a little pushing. But if the “small” size was big enough to get lodged in my vag, I have to wonder who would possibly want to use the medium, large, and extra large sizes. True, they’ll stay in all day if you want ‘em to, but a) that defeats the purpose of a kegel product and b) you might need an excavation team to get them out of you.

Thanks so much to Luscious Playthings for letting me try out this product!