10 Fun Ways to Indirectly Stimulate the Clit

You know that OkCupid question that’s like, “How much communication is ideal during sex?” and two of the answers are “A lot!” and “Just enough to get things right”? This question always throws me for a loop, because for me, “enough to get things right” is often “a lot.”

My clit, you see, is a diva, a snob, a picky toddler throwing a tantrum. It requires things to be just so. If you were to count up the words I’ve expended on instructing sexual partners over my lifetime, I’m sure at least half of them would be clit-focused. “Higher, please.” “A little softer.” “Can you go slower?” “Here, let me move your hand…”

The problem is that my clit is exquisitely sensitive – too sensitive, some might say, though I’m usually quite happy with its sensitivity level. But many of the cis men I bang, being accustomed (one can assume) to their own less-sensitive sexual response, go straight for my exposed clit like it’s a button they can mash until they win the game. They mean well, but they lack the nuanced know-how to please my delicate clit without overwhelming it. And I know I’m not the only one this is happening to: I’ve commiserated with many vulva-having friends about men whose clit-stim techniques are more painful than pleasurable.

Here, then, are some methods of indirect clit stimulation. Try them on your partner(s), or yourself, if a super-sensitive clit is part of your sex life. As with any new sexual exploration, be sure to communicate, check in, and adjust your touch according to its recipient’s wishes. And for the love of god, don’t skimp on the lube.

Dry-humping. Unf. Is there another sexual act so underrated as this one? I looove the process of getting turned on together by grinding body parts against other body parts while kissing, groping, and giggling. This endeavor is the sort of thing that often falls by the wayside as relationships become more established, but if I had my way, dry-humping would be a part of my sexual repertoire forevermore.

While makeouts and other fun things are happening, you can tease a partner’s clit by grinding your thigh, hip, or boner against it, while naked or clothed. Some people can even come from this friction alone. If spanking’s on the menu, the over-the-knee position is fantastic for indirect clit stim: your sub can writhe against your lap while you spank them, making them the filling of a delicious pain/pleasure sandwich. *sexually frustrated sigh*

Rub it through the hood. This has been my standard, go-to, failsafe masturbation technique for over a decade, so it seemed almost too obvious to include – and yet, many men I’ve been with have found this notion confusing, so I’m including it just incase.

The clitoral hood functions much like the foreskin of an intact penis: it serves to protect the underlying structure, keep it moist, and assist in frictionless pleasure. Like rubbing the foreskin up and down over the head of the penis, rubbing the clitoral hood over/around the clit stimulates all those yummy nerve endings without being as overwhelming as direct touch would be.

I like to have little circles rubbed on my clit hood; some people like up-and-down or side-to-side motions, or some combination thereof. Some people have a particular side of their clit that likes to be touched more than the other. Experiment, communicate, and see what works.

Squeeze the outer labia together. Using two or more fingers, do what Reid Mihalko calls “the Vulcan”: sandwich the clit between the two outer labia. From there, you can apply gentle pressure, squeeze your fingers together, roll ’em around, and so on.

This stimulates the head and shaft of the clitoris indirectly, and also puts pressure on the clitoral legs, an oft-ignored portion of the internal clitoris. This can be a fantastic warm-up/foreplay technique before you move on to more direct forms of stimulation, or it can be a delight all on its own.

Rub the mound. The pubic mound is the fleshy part above the clit. Rubbing this area – especially the spot toward the bottom of it, where it dips and starts to turn into the clitoral hood – can be a great way to stimulate the clit super indirectly. I like mine rubbed in big, firm circles with the flat of a partner’s palm, maybe while the heel of their hand is digging into my external G-spot. This makes a lovely warm-up for more intense stimulation.

Squeeze the inner labia together. You would think this wouldn’t feel all that different from doing the same with the outer labia, as mentioned above, but it can feel much more intense and targeted. Gently squeeze-‘n’-roll the shaft and head of the clit between the inner lips. Vary the pressure and location of your touch. See if you can feel the legs and bulbs of the internal clitoris under the skin.

Rub the vulval vestibule. The vestibule is the part of the vulva in between the clit and the vaginal opening. I just think of mine as the underside of my clitoral shaft. Know how blowjob guides always say that the underside of the shaft is the most sensitive part of a dick? Yeah, that’s true for many clitorides as well.

Very important: because this area is extremely sensitive for many folks, I would recommend using a lot of lube and a very light touch. I like mine stroked in a gentle, slow, up-and-down motion. Also make absolutely sure your hands are clean before attempting this, because the urethra is in this area and you do not want to get bacteria in there.

Jack it off. This technique can be affirming for folks who have vulvas and don’t identify as female, so I’m told. As for me, I just like it because I like clitoral shaft stimulation. Gently hold the shaft of the clit between your thumb and forefinger (this is easier to do when the clit is already aroused and engorged) and move the labia and hood up and down over it like a little foreskin on a little penis. Keep in mind that you probably don’t need to use as much pressure as you’d use on a penis, though, as always, check in with your partner if you’re not sure.

I’ve had some partners manage to jerk off my clit between two knuckles while they also had two other fingers inside me at the same time… but that takes some next-level coordination and dexterity. Practice and maybe one day you’ll get there!

Palm it. Lay your whole hand flat over the entire vulva. You can experiment with placement as per your person’s preferences, but I usually like the heel of the hand to rest just above my clit. Deep pressure in circular or up-and-down motions feels really good here; I find the warmth and weight of a partner’s hand on my junk both sexy and comforting.

Depending on the placement and size of your hand, you may also be able to penetrate the vagina with a few fingers while you do this, resulting in some great blended stimulation and maybe even a blended orgasm.

Vibrate it through clothes. This is my go-to recommendation whenever I talk to someone who owns a Magic Wand (or another super-powered vibe) and finds it uncomfortably strong. Each layer of clothing adds a little insulation between the vibrations and the nerve endings of the clit. If I’m wearing jeans or underwear with a defined seam up the centre of the crotch, applying vibration to that seam can feel direct and focused without overwhelming me with sensation. Plus, hey, there’s something satisfyingly lazy about not even having to disrobe to get off.

Vibrate beside it. If you place a decently strong vibrator on the pubic mound, vaginal opening, or one outer labia, the vibrations will stimulate the clit indirectly while also rumbling the parts of the internal clit that reside under whatever part you’re vibrating. It’s a delicious way to build arousal and engorgement in the area, and to tease a partner before giving them what they really crave.

Have you been with (or been) a person with a super-sensitive clit before? What are your favorite methods of indirect clit stim?

My Clit is a Diva and I’m Sorry-Not-Sorry


He moves his fingers a centimeter higher on my clit, and keeps rubbing.

“No, higher,” I say again.

He looks at me quizzically. I grab his hand and move it where I want it. Ah, yes. That’s better.

A couple minutes later, his hand slides down to my opening and he pushes two thick fingers inside me, finding my G-spot and then my A-spot with ease. And that’s nice. Fuck, he’s good at that.

When he comes back up to my clit, though, he forgets everything he’s learned. Goes straight for the exposed bud in the middle of my folds. I wince.


Without even looking at his face, I can feel his confusion in the slow way he drags his fingers upward an inch or two. Maybe this is the time when he’ll remember, when he’ll get it. I love that moment.

Later, after drinks and dinner and sly sex chats in a noisy pub, we walk back to his place together. Boots crunching in the snow, arms bumping against each other casually as we walk. “I think I’m starting to figure you out,” he says. “It seems like you like the shaft of your clit to be stimulated, not the clit itself.”

I brighten. “Yeah! Exactly.” And I want to hold his hand, but both of our hands are stuffed in our coat pockets to hide from the cold.

“In my experience, you’re definitely an outlier,” he tells me, “but it’s nothing I can’t work with.”

Later that night, he gets it just right, and I don’t even have to move his hand.

This is a process I’m used to. Because my clit, like me, is a finicky princess. It likes to be stimulated downward through the clitoral hood, or sideways through the inner lips. When I use vibrators, I usually hold them over my clit hood, or on one of my outer labia. My pussy can handle a lot, but one thing it cannot handle – one thing it actually hates – is direct clitoral stimulation.

I was inspired to write about this after reading JoEllen’s post about the Womanizer, a clitoral stimulator I tried and admittedly liked. In her review, she writes about her hatred for direct clitoral stimulation, and her distaste for the common sexual discourse which says, “Touch a woman’s clit and she’ll definitely come!” It got me thinking about how sexual outliers are often shamed, even within the sex-positive communities which claim to unjudgmentally accept all preferences and tastes.

As a sex toy reviewer and a routine user of vibrators, I’m often accused of having “desensitized” myself. When I explain to laypeople or even “sexperts” that I have trouble coming from the touch of a partner’s tongue, fingers, or dick, sometimes I’m told I should lay off the vibes for a bit and see if my sensitivity returns.

Granted, I am more sensitive when I take a vibrator sabbatical. And I make a habit of avoiding vibration and orgasms for 2-3 days before a scheduled encounter, so I’ll feel everything my partner does to me and reach orgasm more easily. But it’s not vibrators that made me this way. I think my body’s just naturally a tougher nut to crack.

You know how I know that? It’s because my orgasm difficulties aren’t related to a lack of sensitivity, they’re often caused by an excess of sensitivity. When a partner’s tongue grazes my exposed clit, it hurts and I get wrenched out of the moment. When a vibrator slides too low on my clit hood and makes direct contact with that bundle of nerves, I feel overloaded and have to crank down the power. When someone’s fingering me and goes straight for my clit, instead of spending time turning me on by touching the rest of my vulva first, I get overstimulated and that makes me feel numb. It’s like my clit panics and hides under a blanket, if by “hides under a blanket” I mean “gets desensitized by the onslaught of sensation.”

It’s been nearly two years since I’ve had an orgasm from oral sex. This is big news, considering how obsessed with cunnilingus I used to be. But, yes: the last person to get me off orally was my ex, with whom I ended things in late 2014. I’ve slept with several more people since then but none of them have made me come with their mouth.

I think that’s partly owing to how my body has changed: I tend to need more intense stimulation now than I used to, for a longer period of time, to reach orgasm – and tongues get tired sometimes. I also rarely come without some form of penetration these days, which – let’s be real – is a difficult thing to incorporate into cunnilingus and often isn’t done very well when people try, at least in my experience.

But the other reason, and maybe the main reason, I haven’t come from oral in ages is that I haven’t had a partner stick around long enough to learn how I like it. Most of my sexual flings in the past two years have been short-term or one-offs, always with people who had other partners at the time and therefore couldn’t be expected to keep my Very Specific preferences programmed into their muscle memory. My ex had time to learn my rhythms, signals, noises, and most importantly, how to lick my clit without causing me actual pain.

My clit needs to be romanced, seduced, won over. It needs you to play hard-to-get, while knowing the whole time that you’ll eventually give it what it wants. I want you to ignore my clit for a long, long time, while you kiss my mouth and neck, suck and lick my nipples, smack my ass and thighs, bite my mons and fleshy hips. I want you to shower my labia and vaginal opening with attention, because most people don’t. I want to be at the point of begging you and punching the bed and moaning in despair for at least five whole minutes before you even hint at going near my clit.

The reason for this rigamarole, you see, is that it amps up my sensitivity while also increasing what I can handle. If I’m halfway to coming by the time you make clit contact, I will almost certainly come at some point. What guarantees me not coming is if you jump straight to my clit and short-circuit the whole system. Be careful. Approach with caution. Don’t cannonball into the pool; just trail a few fingers in the shallow end and see what happens.

My ex understood this. He also understood how to use his lips and tongue around the periphery of my clit instead of stroking it directly. He knew when to wander away from my clit for a while, to lick my opening or nibble my labia, so the main attraction could take a breather and gain back that original fervor to be touched. And when the time came to buckle down and do identical tongue-circles for a couple minutes to actually get me off, he knew how to do that too.

Once, he asked me, “Is there ever a situation in which you want me to lick your clit directly?” My first instinct was to shout “NO! NEVER!” but when I thought about it some more, I reconsidered. “You can try it, as long as you’re very gentle,” I told him. After that, he would occasionally – as sparse punctuation in a widely varied cunnilingus session – pull my clit hood back and press the lightest, softest, slowest of licks to my exposed clit. It felt almost like an act of kink: I was giving him the power to do something potentially painful, and he was doing it without hurting me. I trusted him, handed over a particular power I rarely trust partners with, and he used that power for good. It was kind of magical.

Going down on someone with a picky clit is a complicated business, man. It requires showmanship paired with tenacity. Decorum married to determination. A sense of flair, and some elbow grease. But yeesh, those orgasms were worth it.

In fact, since my ex, I haven’t had any orgasms with partners that didn’t involve me assisting in some way: holding a vibe to my clit, or rubbing it with my fingers. Because, as I said, none of them were in my life long enough to learn what I like, remember it, and get good at it.

But I live in hope that I will have another partner who’ll put in the time, effort, and brainpower to figure me out. Who’ll get to know my clit’s weird ways, the same way he gets to know mine. Who’ll learn me like a video game, patiently, and never get annoyed that there’s no cheat codes.

Because, dammit, my clit’s an outlier, but it still deserves pleasure.

Monthly Favorites: Smulder Smut & Cumshots



• I’m still diggin’ on the rechargeable Magic Wand. When you want an easy, quick orgasm to alleviate stress, the Magic Wand is the natural choice. That was my situation this month: I had so many deadlines and work gigs that most of my orgasms were of the perfunctory sort. And the Wand was, indeed, Magic in that respect.

• My G-spot’s favorite plaything this month was, once again, the Njoy Eleven. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. Sometimes I fall asleep cuddling it. Sometimes I take it in the bath and stay in there for an hour or more. Sometimes it makes me come so hard that I fall off my bed. What can I say? I’m smitten.

• When I could convince myself to use a dildo that wasn’t the Eleven (a rarity), I usually reached for the Tantus Uncut #1 this month. Its girth is ideal for my current preferences, and its realistic-ness went well with all my recent Fox Mulder fantasies (see below).

Fantasy fodder

• I binge-watched season 1 of The X Files in July, and, well, you know me: if I love a show, I love its fanfic too. Archive of Our Own is absolutely rife with Mulder/Scully smut and I am 100% on board. Of particular interest? Scrabble-fuelled fucking, sexual tension + nipple orgasms, and asexual Mulder/bisexual Scully. (I have a thing for oral servitude, obviously.)

• I feel like I say this in every Monthly Favorites post, but I watched a lot of amateur blowjob porn this month. (There’s that oral servitude kink rearing its head again.) At one point, I typed “best blowjob” into XTube’s search box, and it gave me this. I hit the replay button more times than I care to divulge.

• Do you have dirty-talk phrases that haunt you in your pre-orgasmic moments? Particular words and turns of phrase that, for whatever reason, push you over the edge? Some of mine this month: “You like that?” “Let me make you come.” “Come all over my cock.”


• SO, I POSSIBLY SQUIRTED. I know I should blog about this properly, but I’m still so paranoid that it was just pee (hence the word “possibly”) that I’m hesitant to write about it in depth, incase it was a total fluke. But here’s the combo that seemed to make it happen: an upright position (as opposed to my usual supine pose), James Deen porn, very fast thrusting of the Eleven, the aforementioned Magic Wand, and a longer-than-usual build-up to orgasm. I looked down right after coming and the handle of the Eleven was dripping, as though my lady-come had spurted down the length of the toy. And then I slid the Eleven out and some more liquid sprayed out onto the floor. Hmmmm. Cool!

• I’ve been noticing lately that it feels best to position vibrators on the upper-right quadrant of my clit, instead of in the middle where I’ve traditionally preferred to be stimulated. Interesting how bodies and preferences change over time! Right now, the closer I can get to my internal clitoris, the better it feels for me. Innnnteresting.

• I started a new dayjob this month and it is in the sexual realm (I can’t say any more than that, unfortunately). It is making me think a lot about the way sex work affects our feelings toward sex in our personal lives (though I should clarify that the work I’m doing probably doesn’t count as sex work, or is at least one of the mildest possible forms of it). It’s strange that I can spend an entire 6-hour shift talking and thinking about other people’s sexual experiences and fantasies, but it isn’t until I’m home with the toys and fantasies that get me off that I actually get turned on. (If you know of any good resources about sex workers’ real-life sex lives and how their work affects it, let me know! I’d love to read about that.)

Femme stuff (fashion + beauty)

• I want to wear MAC Red lipstick every damn day. The satin formula is very comfortable and I love the shade on me. It doesn’t last as long as I would like it to, but it’s so perf that I don’t mind.

• I’ve been wearing my GAP 1969 legging jeans a lot. They’re a faded black color so they go with everything, and they’re stretchy enough to feel good whether I’m working all day, shopping, hanging out, or even doing yoga. Hell yes.

MAC pigments are soooo glittery! I got one in the color “Rose” recently and I just want to rock sparkly copper eyelids all the damn time.

What turned your crank the most this month, my loves?