Every December here, I chronicle 2 major fears I’ve – to some extent – conquered within the past year. (Read previous years’ fears: 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018.) This year I have one kinky one and one professional one…
Hypnotizing my partner
When my beau and I first met and began discussing their hypnosis kink, I think I told them pretty early on that I had no intention of learning how to hypnotize people. I likely would’ve been more open to the idea if Matt was solely a bottom in this regard, but they’re a top-leaning switch and I’m a bottomy sub, so we were content to cleave to those roles when it came to hypnosis. Matt hypnotized me regularly for a whole year before I ever did it to them.
On December 19th of last year, however, we did our first trance scene with me topping. I don’t remember in much detail what we did, what induction I used, or anything else. I just remember that earlier that day, I’d been staring at Matt’s nose (which I love and think is soooo handsome) and thinking that slowly stroking it up and down would be a good way to put someone into trance. I was right.
A large part of my aversion to hypno-topping came from the misconception that you have to say the exact right words in the exact right order to make it happen. I felt I hadn’t “studied up” enough and lacked the passionate interest that would drive me to learn. But a year of being regularly hypnotized by a skilful person had taught me that the process is looser and more improvisational than I’d thought. I knew some basic inductions and techniques (at least in theory) from reading Mind Play and I knew my partner had some experience going into trance, which tends to make it easier for someone to get back there again. So I set aside my apprehensions and gave my partner this beautiful gift that they had been giving me for a year.
In the time since then, I’ve tranced Matt tons more times, usually while domming them (they are my 24/7 dom but we do occasionally switch). It’s a lovely new avenue of intimacy for us, and I look forward to seeing what other kink-related fears I can conquer in 2020.
Writing a book
Okay, as of this moment, the book is only about 85% done. BUT. Even that much is an accomplishment worth celebrating!
For a long time, I thought I would never write a book… and then I thought I would write and self-publish one… and then I thought I wanted to go the traditional publishing route but would never find a publisher or an agent who would have any interest in the sort of book I wanted to write. But this year I got a book deal, from a publisher who sought me out specifically, which I just never thought would happen. Life is a wild ride!
I feel like, every day for the past few months, I’ve begun every writing session thinking, “I can’t do this. I will never finish this. This is going to be awful. I CAN’T DO THIS.” But my partner and friends and family have been around to remind me of my abilities and my drive and what I’m doing it all for, and that has helped enormously. It’s largely because of those people that I’ve managed to get this far in the process – and when I finish the book, in time for the deadline next month, I’ll have my social supports to thank for that, too.
Our culture is full of inspirational messages in Hallmark cards and Hollywood blockbusters that amount to “You can do anything you set your mind to!” and, while there are many factors that complicate that sentiment (like privilege or the lack thereof), it feels truer to me now than it did a year ago. I can’t wait to finish this book draft and hand it in, if just to prove to myself that I could and I can.
What fears did you face in 2019?