21 Perfectly Valid Reasons to Have Sex Other Than Sexual Attraction

I came out as demisexual recently, and found myself looking back at many of my past sexual experiences through the lens of this new knowledge. It became clear pretty quickly that I haven’t been sexually attracted to all, or even most, of my past sexual partners. But here’s the thing: that’s not necessarily bad!

See, as many asexual and ace-spectrum folks already know, there are plenty of reasons besides sexual attraction that people can and do pursue sex. While many of these people (including me) have no doubt encountered creeps who try to get you to have sex you don’t want, it is possible to want sex even in the absence of sexual attraction. I don’t necessarily advocate or have sex for all of these reasons myself, but here are 21 possible reasons you might like to bang even if you’re not viscerally attracted to the person you’re banging…

1. Pleasure and/or orgasm. I mean, of course. Isn’t this why a lot of people have sex? It feels good. You don’t necessarily have to be super attracted to someone for them to be able to give you pleasure, especially if they’re sexually skilled and/or you’re good at communicating what works for you.

2. Fun. Maybe you’re bored. Maybe you want to let loose. Maybe you just like the “adult playtime” nature of sex. It’s one of the few spaces in adult life where we really get to play around and be goofy!

3. Intimacy. Whether you’re in a relationship, considering a friends-with-benefits arrangement, or just have a crush you want to get closer to, sometimes sex is a way to deepen your emotional connection with someone. Being intimate (in the literal way, not the euphemistic way) is one of life’s great joys.

4. Adventure, exploration, and curiosity. Maybe you’re trying to figure out if you’re ace, and want to give sex a shot just to check. Maybe you suspect you’re kinky but think you won’t know until you try some stuff. Maybe you just like the way sex allows you to explore more parts of your psyche – and of someone else’s.

5. Reproduction. Had to mention it. Perfectly valid. Obviously common.

6. A self-esteem boost. Granted, this practice can get unhealthy fast, particularly if you start over-relying on sex to prop up your self-image – but if you just need to feel better about yourself once in a while, sometimes sex can help with that.

7. Stress relief. Pleasure and orgasm can help relax you after a hard day or take your mind off a difficult experience. They can also help you release your inhibitions, if you’re feeling a little boxed-in lately.

8. Relief from arousal. Look, sometimes your body can feel like it “needs to” get off or you won’t be able to concentrate on anything else. Sex can often relieve that (as can masturbation, natch). Then, once you’re done, you can get back to work, or do whatever else your arousal was making difficult.

9. Pain relief. As this chronic-pain sufferer well knows, the naturally analgesic effects of sex and orgasm can be a godsend at times.

10. To fall asleep. I’ve heard from many aces that they use masturbation basically as a sleeping pill. You can use sex that way too, as long as your prospective partner is okay with you zonking out immediately afterward!

11. Exercise, endorphins, or warmth. Sex (especially the more aerobic varieties) boosts your heart rate, raises your body temp, and gets those sweet sweet endorphins flowing. Yummm.

12. To transgress or make a political statement. It can feel powerful – especially as a queer or kinky person, or someone who’s been socialized to think their sexuality should be kept quiet – to have sex almost as an act of rebellion. Hell yeah.

13. To enjoy kink. You don’t need sex (or sexual attraction) to be part of your kink play if you don’t want it to. There are many ace or ace-spectrum people who derive great joy and fulfilment from kink but don’t necessarily want sex to intermingle with that every time or ever.

14. To nurture and comfort someone. Say your (allosexual) partner’s had a rough day and you know sex reliably cheers them up and de-stresses them. It can be nice to have “sympathy sex” sometimes. (Only if you want to, of course.)

15. To practice or feel competent. When you do something well, sometimes that sense of mastery can be a boon for your mood. Maybe you’re really good at oral sex and want to show that off and feel like a sex genius for a while. Or maybe you just want to practice your sexual skills so you’ll have them under your belt (so to speak) later on when you fuck someone you’re more attracted to.

16. To soothe your heart after a breakup. They do say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else…

17. Money or gifts. Sex work is valid! Sugar babies are valid! Frivolous materialism is valid!

18. Power. There may be situations where sex can procure you a higher standing in a particular social group, or can even get you a better job. I’m not saying I necessarily advocate this, but… it does happen, and I wouldn’t blame you for making that choice.

19. Religion, spirituality, or transcendence. Lots of people access some kind of “God state” through sex, or include it in their spiritual rituals. It can be a way to escape the bounds of yourself and convene with something bigger than you.

20. Gender affirmation. Maybe particular kinds of sex, or sex with particular kinds of people, makes you feel better in your gender or in your body. Totally cool and probably common!

21. Empowerment or reclamation. For some people, it’s powerful to reclaim sex and pleasure after sexual trauma – in your own way and on your own terms. I support you wholeheartedly.

What are some non-attraction-related reasons you like to have sex?