It’s been quite a week, to say the least. And quite a month. And quite a year.
While there has been an occasional piece of good news amongst the bad (Joe! Kamala! All the wonderful trans and BIPOC candidates who won senate seats! Steve Kornacki finally getting to pack up his map and go get some sleep!), obviously overall it has been a rough time to be a human. That’s part of why, in my sex educator communities, there has been so much discussion this year of how (or whether!) to try to reignite your libido in such tumultuous times.
This is a fairly new problem for me, and I know I’m lucky in that way. Traditionally my libido hasn’t ebbed, but has instead flowed, during times of high stress. If that’s your experience too, please know that there’s nothing wrong with it – it can be more difficult to navigate when you’re in a relationship with someone whose stress affects them in the opposite way, but it’s still fine!
It’s also 100% fine if you don’t want to revive your libido right now – either because there’s too much other stuff to do (our work is not over and there’s still a lot that can be done to support, for example, Democrats in the Georgia runoff elections), or because you just don’t have the energy at the moment (FAIR!), or because you just plain don’t feel sexy while fascism is flaring.
This post, however, is for people whose sexual desire has waned, and who want to do something about that. Sex and masturbation can be almost medicinal for me in stressful times, giving me much-needed bursts of happy neurotransmitters, affirmation of my desirability and desirousness, or even just helping me sleep. So here are some tips you can try if you’re missing sex – or just missing the sensation of wanting sex – and want to give your libido a gentle boost.
Try something new sexually. It doesn’t even really matter what it is. A magnificent new vibrator or clitoral sucker. A kink scene involving hot wax or E-stim. Even just a new position. Many sex and relationships experts point to the hit of happy chemicals your brain produces when you try a new and exciting thing, regardless of whether the thing itself ends up becoming a new fave of yours or not. This is a really easy way to put the spring back in your step sexually.
Not sure where to start? Take a BDSM quiz online (with a partner or alone), fill out a Yes/No/Maybe list, peruse sex toy reviews written by people you trust (hiii), or just ask your perviest friend what their latest sexual fascination is!
Seek out new sexual stimuli. I know it’s not always the most fun thing to scroll through porn sites or flip through erotica books when sex feels unappealing, but it’s gotta be better than sitting around feeling sad about your magically disappearing libido, right?
Set aside some time on a regular basis to explore new things in your sexual medium of choice, whether that be hardcore kinky porn, soft tender fanfiction, group sex erotica, or literally whatever. Maybe it’ll be unbelievably hot and get you all riled up; maybe it’ll just make you laugh or teach you more about human sexuality. Either way, it’ll give your brain and genitals something new to ponder. (Don’t forget to pay for your porn, please! Supporting sex workers is hot.)
Drugs ‘n’ supplements. (Big congrats to all the states that recently legalized weed, medicinal shrooms, etc.!) These are not an option for everyone, of course, whether it be due to their own personal views on drugs, or something more logistical like an incompatibility with crucial medications they’re already on. There’s also the question of how drugs may affect one’s ability to consent – which is why I suggest negotiating the components of an upcoming sexual encounter while still sober, deciding on safewords that are easy to say, and checking in regularly.
I’ve always found that smoking or vaping marijuana enhances my arousal and pleasure, in part because it reduces the volume of my depressed and anxious thoughts. Some of my friends have had similar experiences with shrooms, hashish, and various other trippy goodies. You could also look into natural libido supplements, such as HerSolution, which contains bloodflow-boosting niacin, orgasm-intensifying cayenne, and various other herbals, nutrients, and alleged aphrodisiacs. (Be sure to check with your doctor before adding anything new to your medication regimen, especially if you have preexisting conditions!)
Cultivate a new crush. I often return to this strategy when I’m depressed because I know how motivating and uplifting a juicy crush can be for me. Maybe you’re still fantasizing about the map guys from election week and want to go read some John King fanfiction. Maybe that person you follow on Twitter for their hilarious political jokes would be open to a flirty DM (tread carefully and respectfully!). Maybe you just want to re-watch a beloved old TV show and obsess over the will-they-won’t-they dynamic between your favorite characters.
However you choose to manifest it, I believe that (for those of us who are alloromantic, i.e. capable of experiencing romantic attraction) crushy energy can be heart-healing and world-widening. This is true even if (and perhaps especially if) nothing ever comes of the crush. Just like meditation is more about the bliss of the journey than it is about the one-time attainment of enlightenment, having a crush can be more about the invigorating almostness of it than it is about actually pursuing the person/people you have your eye on. And yeah, sometimes that can lead to an uptick in sexy feelings, too.
Make time and space for yourself to feel sexy. This one is so important, and unfortunately our overstuffed days under capitalism don’t often allow for it. But study after study has shown that stress inhibits sexual desire, and so in many cases your best bet in fighting libido troubles is to eliminate the stressors in your life that can be eliminated, whenever possible, and create little stress-free zones within your day/week/life.
This might mean rearranging your work week so that you have 3 hours open on a Tuesday night to read erotica in a hot bath by candlelight. It might mean asking your spouse to watch the kids for an evening so you can try out your new sex toy. It might mean addressing that lingering health issue that’s been making you feel super gross/ugly but that you haven’t had the time or energy to deal with. It might mean doing your hair and makeup, slipping into some lingerie, and taking some sensuous selfies so you can get some sweet sweet dopamine hits from your thirsty followers’ likes and retweets. It might mean clearing your schedule to watch a sexy ’90s thriller while munching popcorn with your sweetheart and then seeing where the night takes you.
The point is, you can’t expect yourself to just randomly feel sexy if all the circumstances of your life are conspiring to keep you focused on more pressing but less fun things. Sex may be “play” but it doesn’t have to be an afterthought if it’s important to you; you can choose to make it a priority, to treat it as an ironclad commitment on your calendar, to leave the proverbial door open so your desire can pay you a visit.
What has helped you most when you’ve had a prolonged dip in your sexual desire?
Thanks to HerSolution for sponsoring this post! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.