Song 49/52: “Give Up the Ghost”
Lyrics:
I’m not saying I’ll never cry over you again
Not promising all of the love will be gone
I’m not saying we can go back to just being friends
I’m just saying I’ve gotta try to move on
‘Cause I’m over this
All this wistfully missing your kisses
I wish that I knew what’s coming next
Chorus:
But I gotta give up the ghost
Gotta set off on a brand new adventure without
The one who I love the most
No, I’m not crying; don’t know what you’re talking about
We were young, we were close
Don’t know much, but I know
It’s time that I give up the ghost
The lessons I learned from you will serve me well, I can tell
I’m sorry that I had to practice on you
It won’t be too long til I miss being under your spell
I’ll set you aside and I’ll power on through
‘Cause it’s been too long
Don’t want less than the best; I’m a mess and
I guess that I know what’s coming next
(repeat chorus)
This isn’t what I wanted
It’s like my heart is haunted
Whenever I feel cold, I know
That you’re the one who chills me so
You weren’t what I needed
By leaving, I’ve succeeded
Though it hurts in the moment, I’m glad that I’m goin’
And you should be too, now that we’re through
(repeat chorus)
Songwriting diary:
This one is silly: I was playing the latest Pokémon game, and the ghost-type gym leader has a line of dialogue after you win the battle where she says, “Givin’ up the ghost’s not really my style. I’ll let you have this one, though, baby.” It immediately made me think about a time when I was 23 or 24 and hopelessly in love with a friend who didn’t love me back in the same way, and one day I just got so sick and tired of the pining and crying and wishing and mourning that I wrote “GIVE UP THE GHOST” in big letters in my journal and decided it was time to make a concerted effort to move on.
Funnily enough, the expression “give up the ghost” actually does not mean what I thought it meant at the time, to give up on a hopeless pipe dream you’d been chasing. It actually means to die, expire, or stop functioning. But in a way, that’s apt too; it was my crush itself that had to eventually give up the ghost in order for me to move on with my life.
Anyway, when I saw that line in the Pokémon game, I thought the phrase seemed like a great potential song title, so I made a note of it and later returned to it, writing an entire set of lyrics in one go. Putting it to music the following day was fairly intuitive, as I’d been hearing a melody in my head while I wrote the words. I just basically improvised myself singing the lyrics over a simple chord progression and much of it remained as is.
Song 50/52: “Dirty Martini”
Lyrics:
Here’s to the dirty martini
It’s briny and boozy and cold
I really do think that whenever I drink
I forget that I’m gonna get old
Here’s to the dirty martini
Isn’t it gorgeous and grand?
Oh, I could never be gloomy
With a martini in my hand
Chorus:
An ounce of vermouth
Two ounces of gin
Half an ounce of olive brine
And throw some ice cubes in
Then stir up your dirty martini
And strain it and sip it and smile
Forget your most troubling troubles for a while
Here’s to the dirty martini
Available at every bar
They make me feel cool and I act like a fool
And I sometimes go slightly too far
Don’t offer me peachy bellinis
Too sweet and too tart and too cute
I’m dirty just like my martinis
And salty and cold and aloof
(repeat chorus)
Then stir up your dirty martini
To ward off your worries and fears
Isn’t it nice to be drinking
A cocktail as salty as tears?
No one will know you’ve been crying
Your cocktail’s as salty as tears
Songwriting diary:
One day I sat down to record a podcast, and – as I often do – I had made myself a martini to sip while recording. As I was setting up my mic and headphones, I pondered the idea of writing an ode to the dirty martini, since it’s a drink I love. I noted some potential lines quickly before starting the podcast, and later returned to them and fleshed out the rest of the words.
However, it took a couple of rewrites to get it how I wanted it, because originally it was a fairly straightforward ode to the drink itself, but I wanted it to have more of an emotional backbone, i.e. why is the narrator of this song feeling so enthusiastic about martinis? What is she trying to cope with or avoid by drinking? So I wrote some little hints of depression, avoidant behavior and other issues (all of which I indeed have) into the song.
The production aspect of this song was one of the most fun ones of any of the songs I’ve produced this year, because I incorporated some unusual-for-me percussion. I made an audio recording of the process of making the martini you see me sipping in the video, and edited the sounds of pouring, stirring, adding ice, etc. into the appropriate spots in the song. I also asked my very talented brother Max for advice on what kind of electronic drum part I should record, and he responded by sending me a complete drum track he’d recorded himself for the song – on a very short turnaround, I might add! Max is the best.
Song 51/52: “Agony”
Lyrics:
Am I in pain? Yes, he’s hurting me
Am I in love? Almost certainly
I’m not guilty; I fell slowly
And it’s agony now
Am I upset? I suppose I am
But damn, it feels good in the throes; I am
Slightly hooked on cryptic looks
And it’s agony now
I think we can both concede
That you want and I just need
I think we can both remember
How I sound when I plead
Does it feel good? Yes, of course it does
Do you love back? Not by choice; I was
Not allowed to haunt and hound you
And it’s agony now
Are you out late and betraying me?
Will you deny that you’re playing me?
Wanting answers is a hazard
And it’s agony now
I think we can both admit
That you make me feel like shit
I think we can both remember
When I couldn’t handle it
Bags are all packed – now I’m heading out
This is the drive I’ve been dreading, but
Now I’m free and much more me and
Moving on; I’m out, I’m gone
It’s all behind me now
Songwriting diary:
The first two lines of this song (“Am I in pain? Yes, he’s hurting me/ Am I in love? Almost certainly”) popped into my head months ago and I wrote them down. I went on to chip away at writing this song over the next several weeks, eventually completing it – but I didn’t really feel happy with it, so I didn’t record it until I went on vacation to Chicago. I’d been struggling to write a song while out of my usual environment, not least because traveling is exhausting for my fibro-ridden body, so I decided to take a bit of a “vacation” from the songwriting challenge as well by recording a song I’d already written but had never recorded. (I don’t think that’s cheating, and I make the rules!)
I reused Max’s drum part from the previous week’s song, since I needed another waltzy drum part and he had kindly sent me an editable version of the track. I sped it up to suit this song and I think it worked out well.
Song 52/52: “If You’re Alone for Christmas…”
Lyrics:
If you’re alone for Christmas, I hope you make a meal
That’s every bit as warm and cozy as I hope you feel
I hope you open presents, even if they’re from yourself
They still are worth receiving, even not from someone else
I hope you light a fire to warm your little toes
I hope you’ve got hot chocolate to warm your little nose
If you’re alone for Christmas, I really hope you know:
I’ll see you in the spring; I love you so
If you’re alone for Christmas, I hope you see your luck
You get to spend your day with you; I’m jealous, what the fuck!
I hope you watch the movies you like to watch with me
Like Home Alone and Elf and your old Die Hard DVD
I hope you eat some turkey, and that it tastes like home
And that the memories tide you over when you have to be alone
If you’re alone for Christmas, I really hope you know:
I’ll see you in the spring; I love you so
I’ll see you in the spring; I love you so
Songwriting diary:
As with so many song ideas, this one came to me in the shower. I think I was pondering all the friends and family members of mine who were facing the possibility of spending their holiday season alone, due to COVID risk and other factors.
I took a first pass at the lyrics but ultimately found I just wasn’t sure what one could say to comfort someone in that situation, so I asked my social media followers what they would want to say to a loved one who had to spend the holidays alone. Two ideas that I liked and ended up incorporating came from two different friends of mine: that they’re lucky they get to spend their day with such a cool person, and that there will be other opportunities to see each other in the future if we just wait awhile.
A few days after writing and recording this song, I was on my way to a family party at which I knew I’d be performing some songs for a group of family members including some small children, so I wrote a more kid-friendly (i.e. non-profane) version of the first two lines of the second verse, which I might even like better than my original words:
If you’re alone for Christmas, I hope you know you’re blessed
You get to spend your day with you, and you’re a perfect guest
Thank you so much for joining me on this Song A Week journey this year, friends! You can read all the posts from this series in the “songwriting” tag, and check out all the songs in my A Song A Week playlist on YouTube. Happy new year!