Kate Sloan

5 Love & Sex Lessons I Learned in Malta

November 3, 2016November 2, 2016Kate Sloan

I just spent a week in Malta, an island in the Mediterranean Sea. Years ago, my cousin was visiting said island on vacation when she serendipitously met and fell in love with a handsome, fiery Maltese man. After years of tearful, stressful back-and-forths between Malta and Canada, now they are married and have a beautiful daughter together. What a romantic story, right?!

“Romance” was definitely a theme of my trip. It wasn’t a passionate getaway for me – I was sharing a hotel room with my mom, after all! – but the gorgeous European locale and the people I spent time with got me thinking (even more than usual) about love, sex, relationships, passion, magic, and commitment. Here are five lessons I pondered a lot while in Malta, and still to this day…

Spend time with people who bring out your best self. It’s soooo cliché to say that travel helps you “find yourself,” but it’s an oft-repeated truism for a reason: being away from your regular environment, and the people you regularly spend time with, shakes off the gristle of your personality and shows you what’s actually core to who you are. On this trip I got to hang out with some relatives and family friends who I adore, and who bring out the best parts of me just by being encouraging, sweet, and welcoming. True, you can choose to be your “best self” any damn time you please, but certain people make it wonderfully easy to do so. Spending more time with those people is good for your soul, methinks.

Your weirdness is what makes you noteworthy. As you might expect, it was certainly an icebreaker when I mentioned to new Maltese friends that I’m a sex writer. I probably wouldn’t have brought it up if I wasn’t, y’know, drunk at a wedding reception. But contrary to what I expected of this conservative Catholic country, everyone I mentioned this to was actually super chill about it, and in many cases, fascinated. I’ll never forget when I mentioned my sex blog to the feisty brunette beauty I’d just befriended and she confessed, “My lifelong dream is to marry a man who has a nine-inch penis.” I mean, honestly – I’m sure few people at that wedding were having conversations as interesting as I was! Don’t forget to rock your weirdness; it’ll attract delightful opportunities, people, and situations into your life.

There are multiple modes of pleasure, and all are valid. My libido’s been weirdly waning lately – due to a mix, I think, of depression, travel stress, and recent heartbreak. It’s disheartening when sexual pleasure has been such a source of joy for you, for such a long time, and then it no longer is (however briefly). But this trip reminded me that there are so many other sources of pleasure in life: music, food, good company, exciting adventures, and so much more. I had a euphoric experience with some coconut-and-cinnamon gelato in a Valletta side street, and thought: if this is the closest I get to an orgasm all month, I’d be okay with that.

When you love someone, you accommodate them. I got to hang out with a couple friends of the family on this trip who I don’t often see, but who I totally cherish. I’ve always thought they were married, because they’ve been together for at least as long as I’ve been alive – but the lady of the pair told me that they’re actually not legally wed, because they never got around to having a wedding. I asked her why, and she said – with the utmost love and affection in her eyes – that her partner is so shy, the thought of getting up in front of all those people would be terrifying to him, so they opted to skip getting married altogether. They don’t seem any less happy or any less in love for it, and it seemed to me that she doesn’t resent his shyness – she loves and accepts it. I found this story extremely touching and hoped that someday I’ll be so in love with someone that their supposed flaws just seem like wonderful quirks to me, and that accommodating them feels less like a sacrifice and more like a joyous act of love.

Rediscover delight by rediscovering play. Like many folks, I find it nourishing and uplifting to spend time with kids. I got to hang out with my five-year-old cousin on this trip, posing for goofy selfies and running around, and she reminded me of the sheer joy of play for play’s sake. Unlike kids, adults don’t usually chase each other for the fun of it, make silly faces for no reason, or laugh maniacally at the drop of a hat – but we definitely need to do more of that stuff. I did some “playing” of my own when I took a day off from our travel itinerary and played ukulele in our hotel room by myself all day: after months of feeling uninspired and writing zero songs, I cranked out two new ones in a matter of hours. Those songs wouldn’t exist if I hadn’t been idly messing around on my uke, trying things out, and playing. Sex is like that too: you usually learn the most, and have the most fun, when you let go of your preconceptions and just experiment in the moment.

Have you ever had an epiphany while traveling? What did you learn?

Monthly Faves: Dick Gifs & Donut Panties

October 31, 2016October 31, 2016Kate Sloan

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If I had had a lot of sex this past month, I’d nickname it Cocktober. But alas, that was not the case. My sex life was spooky in a seasonally appropriate way, at least in the sense that my vag remained so barren, it practically developed cobwebs. Zing! Anyway, a lack of partnered sex doesn’t have to mean a lack of sexual developments in one’s life. Here’s what I was into in October…

Sex toys

• My relationship with the Pure Wand is a volatile one. There will be long stretches of time when direct, intense G-spot stimulation just feels painful to me, and I retreat to my favorite A-spot toys for the sweeter pleasure they provide. But lately, my G-spot’s been more receptive to touch than usual, so I’ve been pounding the fuck out of it with my Pure Wand on the regs. To paraphrase Wallis Simpson, “When a Pure Wand is right, there is nothing else to use in its place.”

• My clit was in the mood for pinpoint stimulation this month: it wanted the Tango and Eroscillator far more often than the broad-headed Magic Wand. The whims of my clit are a mystery to me; I just do what it tells me to do.

Fantasy fodder

• I’m oddly entranced by this gif of an animated dick pounding a vag, ejaculating, and pulling out. It’s not so much the creampie fetishism that does it for me; more just the novelty of seeing a somewhat three-dimensional, dynamic illustration of fuckin’. Sigh… I miss getting banged real good.

• I’m fascinated by close-up videos of ladies getting their clits rubbed until they come. That particular view of vaginal contractions is so cool. This one is my original favorite, and I’ve also recently enjoyed this one and this one.

• In a matter of days, I devoured Katie Forsythe‘s epic Sherlock fanfiction novel, All the Best and Brightest Creatures. She writes Sherlock differently from story to story, but this particular Holmes is asexual and homoromantic. The way she writes sex scenes is so beautiful and poignant, and it’s been a useful reminder of how much my sexual responses are tied up in my emotional responses. Everything feels hotter and lovelier to me if it has an emotional context that lights me up (like, for example, Sherlock Holmes’ bottomless, tragic affection for John Watson).

Sexcetera

• By the time you read this, I will be in Malta! My mum and I are traveling across the ocean to attend my beautiful cousin Sacha‘s wedding. After hanging out there for a week, we’ll fly north to Italy and spend an additional five days in Rome. I’m so excited I can hardly think straight!! Supposedly our WiFi will be a bit spotty, so if you notice I’m tweeting and Instagramming less than usual, that’s why – but I’ve got blog content queued up, so even in my absence, I am present. Hi!

• I did a lot of writing this month that I’m super proud of! For Bitch Flicks’ bisexual representation theme week, I wrote about Alex Kelly from The O.C. and why she’s a precious angel who should be protected at all costs. The Establishment published a piece I wrote about how spanking helps my mental health. Herizons magazine published a slightly reworked version of an article I wrote last year about the “is squirting just pee?” debate. I wrote about using coconut oil as lube for Ignite. And if, after all that, you still want more of me (!), you can read this interview that fellow sex blogger Layla did with me; we talked about friendships, mistakes, and rainstorms, among other things.

Femme stuff

• I haven’t had sex in over two months, and I’ve been describing this period as a “dick detox,” because it genuinely does feel like I’m conquering an unhealthy addiction. Not that I pursue sex to the detriment of my health, my relationships, or my life (I don’t), but just that the presence of male romantic interests in my life tends to distort my self-perception somewhat (as I told you last week). So it’s been interesting to watch the ebb and flow of my gender presentation as I figuratively flush the dick from my system. I’m more okay dressing butch, skipping makeup, and wearing what I want to wear instead of trying to appease the Dick Gods. Hallelujah, I’m free! (At least, for now…)

• Aslan Leather makes my favorite kink accoutrements. After owning a pink and black Aslan collar for months, I bought a plain black one to round out my collection. It matches every outfit. I love it to death.

• I was sent a Nudestix concealer pencil in a beauty subscription box, and I adore it. The pencil format makes it super portable and easy to apply, and the formula is decently blendable without sacrificing coverage. This sleepy little femme gives Nudestix two brightened under-eyes out of two!

• Still enamored with MeUndies. They are soooo comfy. And they recently introduced new pairs that are covered in PINK DONUTS. Yyyyyoink! (I also just learned that they sponsored a SlutWalk and created custom slut-positive underwear for participants to wear… Amazing!)

Little things

The utter deliciousness of making a structure chart for a piece of writing. Philosophizin’ about kink with friends. Edamame. My freshly redesigned portfolio. Regina Spektor’s new album. Jake Peralta’s frosted-tips Florida aesthetic. The “Lush Vibes” playlist on Spotify (best music to write to!). Spanakopita from Athens Pastries. Compliments from my therapist. Bex texting me, “I love you. Don’t forget.” My new ukulele case (a necessary purchase because I’m taking my uke overseas to play a song while my cousin walks down the aisle at her wedding!). Learning how to roll joints with flavored rolling papers – and the Seth Rogen tutorial video that taught me! Watching porn on a rooftop with Suz. Dancing my ass off with Steph and Holly at Comedy Bar’s ’90s dance party. Awkward attempts at flirting with improv crushes. Caramilk martinis and goofy selfies with Anais. My brand-new pink European plug adapter. #StonerFemme paraphernalia. Listening to Naive Thieves while high. Brent misremembering Bowtie‘s name as “Squimmy.” Posh British accents. Fictional universes so compelling and comforting, you don’t want to go back to real life. Warm scarves knit by people who love me.

Travel Essentials For Sex-Savvy Babes

October 27, 2016October 17, 2016Kate Sloan

Darlings, at the time that this post goes up, I will be zooming my way to Europe. My mum and I are spending two weeks there; it’s my first-ever trip across the ocean, and our first mother-daughter journey in a long time. The excitement is palpable!

As per always, I have fretted far too much about the contents of my suitcase. The anxious part of my brain thinks if I can perfect all the plannable details of my trip, that the rest of it will go smoothly as a matter of course. While it’s silly to think we can ever get anything perfect, packing for a trip is still a fun opportunity to stock up on travel essentials. Here are some of my top picks, for sex-nerdy babes comme moi who hope to have a bon voyage!

Dr. Bronner’s. This liquid soap is a cult classic for a reason. Made of primarily natural ingredients and gentle on the skin, it can be used to wash your face, genitals (the outside parts only, please), and sex toys, among other things. I bring the citrus-scented version with me on every trip, in lieu of separately bringing the face wash, vulva cleanser, and body wash I’d use at home. It’s an excellent multi-tasker; check out the company’s FAQ for a list of more possible uses.

Travel-friendly lube. A solid (and therefore mess-free) oil-based lube like Southern Butter is a super travel-friendly option. It’s a fantastic lube, but it can do other things too: my friend Caitlin says they use it as a moisturizer, lip balm, makeup remover, and hairstyling product. When suitcase space is at a premium, multi-use products are highly valuable. Southern Butter can’t be used with latex condoms, gloves, dental dams or finger cots, however, because oil breaks down latex – so if your away-from-home sexploits will involve barriers, go with samples of water-based lubes instead, like those in the Sliquid Lube Cube.

A sex toy case. House of Plume sent me some of their sleek storage solutions, and I’m smitten. The Mini Moi sex toy storage case is my favorite. It’s a little zip-around case with elastic straps for (optionally) holding toys in place, a mesh pocket for condoms and other small items, and an antibacterial fabric to discourage germs. It’s too small for, say, a Hitachi or a Doxy, but it can fit an admirable amount of stuff: I once crammed my Double Trouble, Tango, Aslan cuffs, and several condoms into it for a sex date, and had no problem zipping it up. It even has a cute little handle!

A USB-rechargeable vibrator. These are brilliant for travel, because you don’t have to worry about bringing a separate adapter to plug your vibe in; you can just plug it into your computer. My favorites are the We-Vibe Tango and Lelo Mia 2. For travel, I’d lean toward the Mia, because it has a locking function so your vibe won’t come alive in your bag.

A bandana. Consult the hanky code and choose color(s) accordingly. Most people aren’t familiar with the code, so a hanky might not be all that useful in a flagging capacity (depending on where you’re traveling), but it’s still a good thing to have on hand. You can tie it to your suitcase to make it more recognizable on the luggage carousel, tie it around your head to hide messy/dirty hair, wear it knotted around your neck to ward off sunburn, or even fashion it into an impromptu bondage device. It’s a versatile item!

A hard condom case. Condoms are apt to get crushed if they’re just free-floatin’ around in your purse or your pocket, and crushed condoms do not make for relaxed, happy, safe sex. Protect your condoms as thoroughly as you can!

Comfortable underwear. Travel could make anyone grumpy – long lines, flight delays, bureaucratic processes, bah humbug! – but you’re apt to get especially grumpy if your junk is uncomfortable. Choose underwear that you know won’t chafe, slide around, dig in, or ride up. Ideally it should also be cute enough that if you were to meet a good-lookin’ stranger and abscond back to their place for naked fun, you would feel maximally adorable.

A sleeping mask. Not only are sleeping masks lovely for helping you snooze on planes and buses, but they can also be appropriated as blindfolds in the bedroom. (You could also use the aforementioned bandana for this, if the fabric is thick enough to keep light from getting through.)

Essential oils. As my aromatherapist friend reminds me, scents can have a huge effect on our state of mind and overall subjective well-being. If you think it would help, have an aromatherapist make you a blend, or make one yourself. Choose oils you love the scent of. For travel, I especially love lavender and peppermint: lavender is calming, so it helps me expunge the travel anxiety from my body and maybe get some sleep on the plane, while peppermint can help with motion sickness and the lethargy of jet lag. So yummy!

What are your must-haves when traveling?

The Unladylike Project, Part 1: Severe Beauty

October 24, 2016April 8, 2018Kate Sloan

I have poured too many hours of my life into worrying about what men think of me. I try not to think too hard about this. Because if I really knew how many hours I’ve spent, how many tears and how much sweat I’ve shed, wanting men to think I’m pretty and fun and attractive… If I really knew how much of my energy has gone into that one singular, reductive, arguably unimportant goal… I think I’d probably have some kind of breakdown.

Look, I love men. Many of my favorite people are men, and many of my favorite days or hours or moments in my life have been spent with men. But the fact is, for all my pontificating about self-love and being happy on your own, I put an awful lot of stock into what men think of me. Our shallow, patriarchal culture is adamant that women’s value hinges on our ability to attract a man, and I’ve bought into that myth hook, line and sinker.

So in an effort to shake myself loose of those chauvinistic shackles, I’m starting a series called The Unladylike Project. In each instalment, I’ll challenge one of the dogmatic beliefs I hold about needing to seem “ladylike” and attractive to men. ‘Cause fuck dogma. I’ll live how I want to, regardless of what men think.

First up: “severe” beauty. I started thinking about this when my friend Sarah coined the term #SpookyFemme to describe her aesthetic: intense eyebrows, dark-colored clothes, and (most notably) dark lipstick. It’s a style I admire enormously, for its unapologetic boldness and – yes – severity. But on my own face and in my own life, I struggle to rock that spooky-stern look. It just feels like… too much. Too much of a statement, too attention-grabbing, too cyborg-like and not “feminine” enough. So for the most part, I stick to my safe pinks and reds.

When trying to pull apart my actual preferences from the patriarchal culture that shaped them, I find it helpful to ask myself: how would I do this differently if I was alone? Would I still attire myself like this, do my face like this? And in the case of makeup, I know that what I like and what I actually do are not always a perfect match. When I’m spending the whole day alone and experience an urge to play with makeup, most often I do some kind of wild, over-the-top look, with colorful eyeshadow and strange lipstick. It makes me feel powerful – but only in the absence of men who would drain the certainty of that power from me.

Last year, a friend invited me to her spring equinox party. Having hung out with that friend’s crew of pals before, I knew it would be a group of mostly or exclusively LGBTQ women. Queer babes celebrating a witchy holiday with a bonfire, guided meditation, and intention-setting: it was a blast. But getting dressed for the event was almost as fun for me as the event itself, because I had a sense of sartorial freedom that I rarely experience anymore.

Because there were no cis men in attendance, I felt weirdly free to dress how I actually wanted to dress, instead of putting on a “cool girl” costume of sorts. I decided my aesthetic for the evening would be “lesbian witch” with an element of the extraterrestrial, and I chose my ensemble accordingly. A drapey purple cardigan topped off a plain white T-shirt and some obnoxiously bright floral-print leggings. I slipped on my chunky biker boots and hung a rose quartz point on a chain around my neck. As the finishing touch, I clipped two poufs of tulle into my hair, one green and one purple, one on each side of my head, like alien antennae.

I felt powerful in this outfit. My usually-soft femininity felt laser-sharp, aggressively focused, unapologetically intense. And I got compliments on my ensemble all night long.

I’m not a soft, delicate person inside; there’s no reason I should have to attire myself that way. A man who is intimidated by bold beauty will never be able to handle the deeper boldness lurking under my skin. Realistically, any partner who sticks around in my life will need to not only accept my assertiveness but adore it. So maybe I should start dressing more often in a way that shows off my inner dynamo.

It’s okay if some people think I look “weird” or “scary.” Those folks aren’t my key demographic, anyhow.

How I Do My Makeup For Porn

October 20, 2016October 20, 2016Kate Sloan

I’m hardly a porn star, but I’ve dabbled in sexy performing and posing for my various pornographer friends at Spit, Feisty Fox Films, and Cherrystems. I love makeup, and I love porn, so doing my makeup for porn is extra fun. Taking cues from traditional porn makeup, I filmed this video tutorial for you back in July when Bex and I were staying in an Airbnb specifically chosen for its good porn lighting.

While this tutorial was made with porn makeup in mind, this look is ideal for any time you want to look (and feel!) glamorous and sexy. I do my eyeshadow like this for sex-positive events, dance parties, sex club hangouts – any time I want to be a total babe. It’s a good all-purpose foxy look, and I hope you dig it!