Author: Kate Sloan

5 Sexual Rules That Should Be Common Sense But Sadly Aren’t

Kate Sloan

1. Masturbate. This just makes sense. People who practice biking on their free time will do better in bike races, for example. I read so many stories on Sexxit about women (yes, it’s almost always women) who have trouble reaching orgasm during sex – or worse yet, have never reached an orgasm in their lives – and somehow don’t see their refusal to masturbate as the source of this problem. Folks, if you don’t jerk off on a regular basis, you don’t get to complain about your shitty sexual response.

2. Communicate. Anyone who’s ever read a sex blog, listened to a sex podcast, seen a sex TV show, or had good sex probably knows this rule. Sex tends to suck if you don’t talk about it. Doesn’t matter what you love or hate in bed, you need to tell your partner that information, or they can’t do a damn thing about it.

3. Bodies are inherently valid. This phrase is credited to the late, great Mark Aguhar. She was probably referring to the validity of bodies in a larger sense (body image, body politics, body dysphoria) but it applies to the way we should approach sex, too. Never make the mistake of thinking you don’t deserve pleasure just because you’re chubby, or “ugly,” or differently abled, or in transition. Your body is inherently valid and that means you deserve sex, good sex. We all have insecurities, many of which get dredged up in sexual situations, but that doesn’t mean we have to give those worries any credence.

4. Enthusiastic consent matters. I don’t just mean the big consent issues, the ones that center around rape. I also mean the smaller ways in which our culture dismisses the need for consent. People who don’t like to hug or shake hands are often branded “weird”; people who are uncomfortable with sensual and sexual touching get called “prudes”; the list goes on. Even within seemingly healthy relationships, there are plenty of expectations – for example, a woman who receives oral sex from a willing partner may feel obligated to give him a blowjob in return, even if she’s emotionally unequipped to do so on that night. The point is: check in with your partner, make sure they’re really okay with what’s happening, and be aware of the signals that might indicate when they’re not.

5. We get to choose how we identify. I’ve written about this before, because it’s important. No one can tell you what to call yourself or what you should be feeling. You can be a gay guy and still have sex with women if you want to. You can be a “femme in the streets, butch in the sheets.” You can identify as profoundly kinky and still have vanilla sex if that’s what you feel like doing. The acts you perform do not define you unless you want them to.

What are your sexual rules, principles, tenets, and values?

Review: Luscious Playthings glass vaginal egg

Kate Sloan

The Luscious Playthings glass vaginal egg comes in many different sizes, ranging from extra small to extra large. Normally this would be a good thing, but for a kegel product with no retrieval cord, I can only recommend the extra small size… and only to people who are comfortable putting at least half their hand into their vagina.

I was sent the small size, which isn’t that small: 1 ½” in diameter, the same width as some of the bigger dildos my vagina can handle.

It’s a beautiful product: totally smooth all over, softly pointed ends, high-quality glass. As an object of beauty or a paperweight, it’s flawless. However, as a vaginal product, I can’t recommend it.

I inserted it with only a minimal amount of lube. (Don’t do this. Trust me.) I stood up and bounced around, checking how well it stayed in. It didn’t move or shift at all, which should have been a warning sign; the mechanism by which vaginal eggs exercise the PC muscle is by feeling like they’re almost slipping out, thereby forcing you to clench your muscles to keep the egg inside. There was none of that feeling with this egg, because it’s too big and I’m too tight, evidently, even when totally relaxed.

After noting that the egg’s shape and dimensions fit my vagina so well that I couldn’t even feel the damn thing inside me (disappointing), I tried to push it out with my vaginal muscles.

Nothing happened. I reached inside and tried to pull or push it out of me, and again, nothing happened. This is when I started to panic.

My boyfriend was there at the time, luckily. I laid on my back with my legs pulled up and instructed him to lube up two fingers and try to extract the egg. He did, and we spent a good fifteen minutes like that, him fishing around in my vag and me trying to bear down with my muscles. Let me tell you, it was not comfortable. (Irrelevant sidebar: my boyfriend was hard the whole time. Not because he found my pain arousing, but because he gets hard easily and he was touching my vagina. If I hadn’t been in so much discomfort, I would have laughed.)

We even tried inserting the Magic Banana as a sort of makeshift vaginal lasso, but by then, the egg had gone up fairly deep into me and I didn’t want to push it in any further by accident.

Then I remembered that there is a position in which the contents of my vagina (e.g. a menstrual cup) tend to slip out, even when I don’t want them to. I know this because it’s the position I usually sleep in, but can’t when I’m on my period, lest my cup fall out and ruin my bedding.

The position involves lying on my stomach, with one leg (usually the right one, though it probably doesn’t matter) pulled up and bent. Imagine a flamingo or a person hopping on one foot, except lying down on their front. That’s basically what it looks like.

I laid in that position and pushed out rhythmically with my muscles while my boyfriend looked on. After a few minutes of that, I finally gave birth to the egg. And then immediately vowed never to try it again.

The product itself isn’t a bad one. Having no retrieval cord isn’t a big deal if the toy is shaped and sized in such a way that it can come out easily with a little pushing. But if the “small” size was big enough to get lodged in my vag, I have to wonder who would possibly want to use the medium, large, and extra large sizes. True, they’ll stay in all day if you want ‘em to, but a) that defeats the purpose of a kegel product and b) you might need an excavation team to get them out of you.

Thanks so much to Luscious Playthings for letting me try out this product!

Sharing the Sexy #5

Kate Sloan

• Have you entered my giveaway yet? (FYI: I’ve added some extra conditions to the rules at the bottom, since some people didn’t quite understand a couple of the entry conditions.)

• Suffer from chronic urinary tract infections? Read and learn.

• Some guy tried to burn his pubes off. People are idiots.

• A 26-year-old woman answers questions about being into bestiality. Personally I believe that only adult humans can truly give consent to have sex with other humans, and that “consent” from any other type of creature (whether that be a human child, a dog, or whatever else) does not count and should not be acted upon. What do you think?

• This old video from Playboy TV discusses Kegel exercises, pelvic health, and the Kegelcisor. I just bought one and am excited to try it out!

• Dodson and Ross: can you ruin your clit with too much pressure? I had an ex who could only get herself off by grinding against furniture. Have you overcome something like this?

• Stevie Wonder said something homophobic but is now back-pedaling on it.

• This guy’s penis is (according to him) 10 inches long and 7 inches in circumference (that’s about 2.2 inches in diameter). In other words, he’s as thick as a Tantus T-Rex and even longer. In that post, he describes some of the sexual problems he’s encountered. Remember, folks: bigger is not always better. (Plus, he has the idea that he’ll only feel he’s satisfied his partner when she has penetrative orgasms, which is a whole other problem…)

• I don’t know how you feel about NC17-rated Glee fanfiction (I don’t even watch Glee, myself), but this gal sometimes writes “alternate universe” stories in which Kurt is a pre-op trans guy.

• Lately I’ve been reading the blogs of a couple who are in a consensual “Daddy/little girl” relationship: Daddy Vinnie and A Lolita’s Life. While I wouldn’t want to be in a 24/7 relationship like this, I’ve certainly had lolita fantasies before.

• Conservatives are mad that there’s a not-so-obviously gay character in ParaNorman. I thought it was really clever and wonderful. The comments are great too: “If a parent isn’t prepared to answer some unwanted questions… then chances are, they aren’t prepared to be a parent in the first place. Do these people ever stop clutching their pearls?”

• This anti-rape ad campaign is excellent – and, for once, doesn’t involve victim-blaming.

• Roland writes about creep shaming. In my view, guys who go on tirades about how creep shaming is “oppressive” and a “women’s privilege” are totally ignoring the glaring fact that “creep” is literally one of the only truly hurtful words that can be used on men (as compared to all the zillions of mean words that men call women all the time, like “slut,” “bitch,” and “prude”). Not to mention that women need a word to describe men who have made them uncomfortable, and “creep” isn’t typically a word that’s used lightly, unlike “whore” and “bitch.”

• The Frisky asks: what are the weirdest places you’ve masturbated?

Review: Icicles No. 24

Kate Sloan

Pipedream’s Icicles collection is notorious for ripping off other people’s designs. However, I’ve never seen anything like the Icicles No. 24 anywhere else. It’s a pink tentacle. A gnarled tongue. A glass octopus cock. My curiosity was piqued the moment I saw it.

Conscious Contraceptives was nice enough to send me one, and when I took it out of the box, I just fondled it for a while. It’s kind of scary; the bottom side bears two long rows of pointy-ish bumps, and the top side has some tree branch-like lines carved into it. It’s one of those toys that could either be amazingly pleasurable or unprecedentedly painful. My vag was nervous.

But actually, this is a pretty awesome dildo. Sure, you need to use a boatload of lube on it, or your delicate internal tissues could snag uncomfortably on the ultra-mega texture all over this toy. But once lubrication is taken care of, the Icicles No. 24 provides some very unique and very intense sensations.

I prefer to use the dildo with the handle facing up toward my clit. This puts the bumps on the bottom side of my vag, where I can’t feel them as intensely – and this is a good thing, because even when I face them upward, they hit the perimeter of my G-spot without actually rubbing the spot itself. The feeling of those bumps took some getting used to, especially since that part of my vagina rarely gets much attention at all, but a few well-lubed practice sessions taught me to enjoy all that texture.

The top side of the toy is less texture-heavy, boasting an interconnected web of ridges that can definitely be felt but are never uncomfortable the way the bumps can be. The shape of the toy puts those ridges riiiight on my G-spot, while the tip curves downward into my posterior fornix. There’s not as much sexual sensitivity there as there is in my anterior fornix, but it still feels nice.

The curved handle is easy to hold onto, though I usually just grip it in my fist instead of bothering with the fingerhole. If the handle is intended to stimulate my clit, it’s a fail; I have to push the toy in uncomfortably far for that to happen. Besides which, it’s bumpy glass, which isn’t my clit’s favorite thing in the first place.

Overall, I’m fairly shocked by how much I like the Icicles No. 24. It’s not going to be my new go-to dildo or anything, but it surpassed my expectations. It might surpass yours too, if you like glass, texture, and tentacles, and you’ve got lube to spare.

Thanks so much to Conscious Contraceptives for sending me this toy! Check out their mission statement – a portion of their profit from every purchase is donated toward helping underprivileged communities get the contraceptives they need. Shop for sex toys and help the world!

Review: Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit

Kate Sloan

My boyfriend is a lucky guy. I buy him Tenga Eggs practically every time I’m in vicinity of a sex shop (which, as you might imagine, is often), and this past month I asked him if he’d be interested in reviewing a Fleshlight with me. Naturally, he said yes.

After poring over all the options, he settled on the Stamina Training Unit, or STU. It’s marketed as an aid for guys who want to last longer, but it only “helps” with this problem because it’s so stimulating that lasting five minutes with this Fleshlight is supposed to be like lasting ten minutes in a real vagina. My boyfriend just wanted it because the texture looked awesome, though.

Like I said, he has tried a few Tenga Eggs, including the Clicker, the Wavy, and one of the limited edition models. He reported to me that the Fleshlight actually feels very similar to the Eggs – soft, squishy, textured – but that the Fleshlight is better overall.

Why is it better? Well, one obvious reason is that it’ll last longer. If you take care of a Fleshlight properly, it could conceivably last for hundreds of uses, unlike a Tenga Egg which tend to start to fall apart after 5-10 uses, even with diligent cleaning.

The Fleshlight is also significantly quieter than an Egg. The Tenga products we’ve tried have always produced loud squelching noises that could definitely be heard by a bedmate or roommate. The Fleshlight does make sounds in use, but they’re quiet and subtle. You might even be able to get away with using it while someone sleeps in the same room as you, if you can control your moans.

For my boyfriend, the biggest factor giving it a leg up over Tenga Eggs is the cushiony “vulva” which he can press into his pubic mound. He likes pressure at the base of his penis, not only because it feels like “the real thing” but also because it just feels good, so he appreciates that he can apply that kind of pressure to his heart’s content with the Fleshlight.

There’s also a suction function, controlled by the screw-off cap on the end of the toy, which he doesn’t really dig, though he says that plenty of guys would like it.

He likes that the Fleshlight allows for “a level of disconnect” that the Eggs don’t. Using the Fleshlight almost feels like he’s not jerking off, like someone else is in charge of the motion – perhaps because he doesn’t have direct control over the tightness of the Fleshlight’s grip, unlike he does with the Eggs.

I asked him what he thought of the visual of his penis going in and out of a rather realistic-looking vulva. He said he’d prefer if it was just a plain slit, because as is, it “feels a little objectifying.” I asked him if he thought my realistic dildos were “objectifying” and he wasn’t sure what to say to that. (My boyfriend is such a feminist. It’s nice.)

As for the actual texture of the sleeve, it’s very intense. He’s uncut and very sensitive, so I was worried that this texture might overwhelm him, but he really likes it – as long as it’s thoroughly lubed. I gave him a bottle of a thin Sliquid lube to use with it (the Fleshlight’s material can only handle water-based lubricants), and he says he likes it but it dries out too quickly. Something thicker and more gel-like would probably be a better choice.

The main downside to owning a Fleshlight is that cleaning it is a big fuckin’ deal. You have to clean it after every single use, as soon as possible (i.e. ideally within an hour), or it risks becoming gummy, tacky, or even mouldy. You can’t use soap, only water and maybe some isopropyl alcohol if necessary. You can’t turn it inside out, or it’ll tear. And once it’s clean, you have to set it out to dry, and you can’t put it back into the case until it’s completely dry or it’ll get mouldy. Does this sound like a process you want to go through when you’ve just had an orgasm? Not so much.

Another “con” of this product is that it’s not discreet in the least. For a company that has built an entire line of toys on the idea of “looking like a flashlight,” the STU really doesn’t. It’s way too big and bulky to be a flashlight, plus it’s gold, plus it has the word “Fleshlight” emblazoned on the side of it. Yeah, real subtle. Needless to say, my boyfriend would prefer if the case was plainer and looked less like a prop from a Las Vegas burlesque show.

I asked him for an overall rating out of 5, and he said 3.75. At $70, the Fleshlight STU would be worth the money if he was single, he says, but as a guy in a happy sexual relationship, he just doesn’t use it often enough to make it worth that price tag. It feels great, but the impending cumbersome cleanup makes him reluctant to use it as often as he’d like to. Still, he likes it more than I was expecting him to.

Thanks so much to Sex Toys Canada for sending us this toy to try out!