Author: Kate Sloan

Pocket-Sized Porn Reviews: Matriarchy, Twins, and Dylan Ryan

Kate Sloan

I made a decision a while ago that I wasn’t going to review porn on my blog anymore, because I just don’t feel I’m very good at it. I also think I have pretty specific tastes in pornography, and it’s hard to review something that every single person is going to react differently to.

However, now that I no longer have the stress of feeling obligated to review porn by the companies who used to send it to me for free, I feel like it’s okay for me to talk about porn here from time to time, maybe just a little. You don’t mind, right?

Here are some porn flicks I’ve seen recently that I thought you might want to know about…

Women On Top has a really silly but interesting premise: it’s a story set in a female-dominated world, where women are expected to be promiscuous and brash, and where men are expected to do the housework and please their women.

I thought it would be empowering from a feminist perspective, but it actually just showed the mirror image of a lot of gross stereotypes about both men and women (e.g. that women shame men for their sexual desires, that women only have sex to please their men, etc).

There was also far less cunnilingus and far more blowjobs than I would expect in an actual matriarchal world, though I guess I should’ve seen that coming – it is mainstream porn, after all.

Joined at the Hip is a goofy, badly-acted porn about two ditzy blonde twins trying to get to Vegas.

I was totally prepared to hate this one, but just couldn’t as soon as I realized that James Deen was in it.

He’s only in one scene, but it’s great. He plays a chef and (of course) makes a terrible joke about a “bun on a stick” which is actually his cock wrapped in a hot dog bun. (Ugh. So bad it’s good.)

Additionally, he starts off the scene dressed in full chef’s garb, and the chef’s hat stays on for the whole scene. It falls off at one point, but he puts it back on. Because that’s the kind of sense of humor James Deen has. Dear god, I love him.

This porno surprisingly proved to be a goldmine for threesome inspiration. Since the twins in the movie are actual, real-life sisters, they don’t have sex with each other, but have all sorts of sex with various third parties – so there’s some inventive fucking, sucking, flicking, etc.

Fifty Shades of Dylan Ryan is a kind of meta response to the poorly-written BDSM novel we’re all too familiar with. It’s basically Christian and Ana all over again, but with lesbian sex. Really, really hot lesbian sex.

Dylan Ryan is a stunner as always – she’s like the slightly androgynous girl-next-door – but I was most blown away by Sadie Lune, who plays “Ms. Grey,” the wealthy, dominant lady tycoon. I’d never seen her in anything before and she’s absolutely captivating. Girl knows how to dom the shit out of people.

I actually haven’t watched the whole thing yet (what can I say – I came hard sometime during the third sex scene and fell asleep), but I feel confident in saying that anyone who likes lesbian porn, especially of the feminist variety, and can handle BDSM, will dig this movie. And damn, I really need to see more stuff Madison Young has directed.

What sights and sounds are getting your rocks off lately?

Review: Tantus Splish

Kate Sloan

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It makes me sad to have to write a negative review about a Tantus toy, since they’re usually so fantastic – but the Splish has been a total letdown for me.

It’s a good-lookin’ dual-color dildo, a smaller version of the formidable Splash. I waffled a lot about which toy to get, because the Splash is too wide for me at 1 ¾", and the Splish is too narrow for me at 1".

I went for the smaller one. I don’t know why.

The Splish feels good for about three minutes, assuming I haven’t been penetrated by anything else recently. But after that, my vagina widens with arousal and I practically can’t feel the damn thing anymore.

It’s not even long enough to reach my A-spot. And if a toy is too narrow to stroke my G-spot, it better be able to work some magic on my A-spot. The Splish can do neither.

While I might recommend the Splish for a beginner to anal play, or for someone suffering from vaginismus, I think just about everyone else would be happier with the larger Splash.

Review: California Exotics Silicone Jack Rabbit

Kate Sloan

When people ask me what I think about rabbit vibrators, I say, “It’s a brilliant idea, but it’s usually poorly executed.”

Many rabbits are made of disgusting materials – and the ones made of body-safe silicone basically fall into two categories: ridiculously expensive rechargeables, and cheaper, shittier vibes with power distribution issues.

I have pretty specific needs when it comes to rabbit vibes. First, the shaft needs to twirl, not vibrate, because my G-spot responds far better to motion and pressure than it does to vibration. Second, the clit stimulator needs to be strong enough and must have more than one speed. Thirdly, the shaft and clit stimulator need to be independently controllable, because sometimes my clit is momentarily hungrier than my G-spot or vice versa. And finally, the power distribution needs to work well – I can’t have a rabbit whose clit stimulator weakens considerably when you turn up the shaft speed.

To my great surprise, the California Exotics Silicone Jack Rabbit meets all of these criteria.

The Jack Rabbit is an updated version of the first rabbit I ever owned, which also happens to be the only jelly toy I purchased before I found out how awful jelly is. I loved that rabbit’s functionality, but after a few uses, it started to make my vagina burn, so I wistfully set it aside and haven’t used it since. Needless to say, I’m glad that CalEx decided to make a body-safe version, and that it rocks.

This rabbit’s spinning shaft is controlled with up and down buttons. It has three speeds: medium, fast, and very fast. Like most twirly rabbit shafts, it’s kind of loud and sounds like a kitchen appliance – and the sound level doesn’t seem to decrease even when the toy is buried in my vagina. Sorry, co-habitators.

The clit stimulator is basically the Goldilocks of bunny ears: not too floppy, not too firm. They stay put on my clit but don’t dig into it at all. The ears’ vibrations are controlled via one button; you can cycle through the three solid speeds, as well as a few patterns.

The shaft’s base also has those twirling beads embedded in it, which are apparently really popular. I’m not 100% convinced I can actually feel them, but it’s possible they’re contributing to my enjoyment anyway.

Real talk: this rabbit can get me off in two minutes flat. There are very, very few toys I can say that about. The combination of different types of stimulation is straight-up divine.

It’s apparently waterproof, but some other people who’ve reviewed it have noted that the silicone section started to separate from the plastic base, making it risky to take it in the bath. This hasn’t happened to mine, but I’m wary about putting it in water. If you really want a waterproof rabbit, it might be worth saving up for something by Jopen or Lelo.

The clit vibration is not the strongest in the world, and it’s pretty buzzy – but it gets me off, and I’d say I require a medium-to-high amount of stimulation depending on the day, so that’s something. The circling motion of the shaft causes the clit stimulator to gently and slightly move up and down on my clit on its own, which helps.

The Silicone Jack Rabbit costs $80, so if you want a luxe, high-quality rabbit, you could upgrade to the Lelo Ina for not that much more. But if, like me, you demand a spinning shaft and you don’t have the cash for a high-end Jopen rabbit, this one might be the way to go.

Review: SSA Glass Sweet Lola

Kate Sloan

I am an unabashed fan of SSA Glass, even though their toys are cheap and probably not great quality, and apparently they are actually a Chinese glassware company.

Whatever, bro. I don’t even care. I have several of their toys and they’re all made of lovely borosilicate glass. They have a wide variety of shapes and sizes. And, most amazingly of all, every single SSA Glass toy comes with a red velvet storage bag – which is more than bigwig companies like Pipedream seem to be able to manage.

This time around, I got to try the Sweet Lola, a G-spotting dildo with a long, thin, straight shaft, and a tilted bulb at the end.

The Lola will not impress those whose G-spots need a C-shaped curve to be pleased, but for those of us whose spots are more easily impressed, it’s pretty lovely.

Like all glass G-spotters, it can provide intense, firm, unrelenting pressure. The circular handle makes the amount of pressure easy to control, and also ensures that the dildo won’t slip out of your hand even when it’s lubed. The handle’s slimness also makes it easy to use the Lola on a partner during oral sex, which I love. And of course, the handle also acts as a flared base, making the toy anal-safe as well.

The Lola has an insertable length of 5 ½", which allows it to go deeper than most people’s G-spots actually are. I can stimulate my A-spot with this toy, and can actually switch back and forth between the two spots fairly effortlessly. This makes it a very versatile toy.

While the bulb is 1 ½" at its widest point, the shaft is only 1" wide – so don’t get this if you crave the feeling of being filled up. The toy’s slimness would make it ideal for women with smaller/tighter vaginas who still want some G-spot lovin’ – like me!

I don’t know if I would change anything about this toy, to be honest. That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily “the perfect dildo,” but what it does, it does very well: it accesses my G-spot easily, and takes zero effort to hold onto.

The Sweet Lola gets my recommendation for someone wanting to buy their first glass dildo or explore their G-spot for the first time. Hell, I’m no novice and I still enjoyed it!

Sex Toys Are a “Real Thing” Too

Kate Sloan

The cultural narrative which claims sex toys are just a substitute for the “real thing” is bullshit, and I’m sick and tired of it.

Masturbation is every bit as “real” and legitimate as sex with a partner, regardless of whether you use your hands, toys, or any other implement to do it.

I am sick of men who think it’s somehow appropriate or clever to tell me I should set my sex toys aside in favor of their cocks. This is not only gross because they are strangers and I have a boyfriend, but also because – hello?! – it is grossly presumptuous and arrogant for anyone to claim that they would do a better job at pleasing me than my sex toys would.

Sure, I love having sex with my boyfriend. But, to be honest, my Pure Wand hits my G-spot better than his penis does. And you know what? That’s okay! He understands and accepts that. His penis does not have a deep curve and it is not made of steel – nor would I want it to be that way!

I reject the idea that masturbation has to be “practice” or some kind of consolation prize for sex with another person. Sure, some people look at it that way, and some people would always rather be having sex than masturbating – but to me, the two are very separate arenas of my sex life and I don’t view them as being connected or necessarily having anything to do with one another.

Masturbation fulfills different needs than partner sex does. If I want intimacy, surprise, excitement, interaction, or to lie back and do nothing while receiving pleasure, partner sex is the way to go. If I want the exact kind of stimulation that gets me off, or I don’t feel like focusing on anything but myself, or I want to take a longer or shorter time getting myself off than a partner would like, I masturbate.

When people (let’s face it – men, always men) tell me about their ambitions to “replace” my sex toys with their throbbing hard cocks, or whatever, not only is that laughably unarousing to me, but it also erases my basic agency in my own sexuality. It communicates that these men think my masturbation is an illegitimate expression of my sexuality, that I can’t possibly experience pleasure without a man, and that I am sexually incompetent even when I’m all alone.

It reminds me of the idea that women shouldn’t get “too dependent” on their vibrators, because it might make them unable to enjoy sex. Uh, what about women who – like me – routinely use vibrators during sex? What about women whose partners use vibrators on them? What about women who have tricky clits that practically never get off without the help of a vibrator, and never did?

I am bored of everything and anything that invalidates women’s sexual agency. It’s all a bunch of hogwash. Ladies, take back your sexual power and masturbate as much as you want, with whatever toys and tools you want, and don’t mind any men who want to tell you your masturbatory adventures pale in comparison to his cock. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about!

Has anyone ever tried to delegitimize your solo sex life? What happened? How did you respond?