Author: Kate Sloan

She Died and Left Me Her Vibrator

Kate Sloan

A few weeks ago, my great-aunt passed away. This blog isn’t the right space to talk about death and mourning, so I won’t get into all that, but it was a sad time.

While we sat around at the hospital, letting it sink in, my aunt (who knows I review sex toys) said to me, “When we were clearing out her apartment, we found a vibrator from the 1960s. You should have it for your collection.” I laughed, sort of thinking she was joking, but sure enough, a few days later, she dropped by with said vibrator in a plastic bag.

I was immediately struck by how much it resembles my Wahl. In fact, I initially thought it was an older model of the Wahl, until I saw the name branded on the side, “The Body Machine.” It was manufactured by a Canadian company called Charlescraft, whose website features autoplay music (ugh) and various appliances and contraptions, but no massagers. I guess they stopped making them around the time that people realized they could get real sex toys and stop repurposing their innocent muscle massagers.

While I had no intention of using the Body Machine (sorry, can’t get onboard with using my deceased relative’s instrument of lust on my genitals), I wanted to test how its power compared to the Wahl. I expected it to be stronger, but actually, the Wahl easily wins out. The Body Machine’s low speed is akin to the mid-range on a contemporary rechargeable vibe, and its high speed is barely any higher. I guess my great-aunt was less choosy about her sex toys than I am (although, I guess if it were the ‘60s, you’d have to be).

So what’s the point of all this? I guess it just served as a reminder for me that practically everyone is sexual, even the folks you wouldn’t think of in that way. With few exceptions, we all want to get our rocks off and have fun doing it. I’m just glad I live in a time and place where I can buy products specifically designed to give me orgasms, rather than relying on a home appliance.

Review: Happy Valley Fuze Harmony

Kate Sloan

The Harmony, sent to me by the lovely folks at SheVibe, is from Happy Valley’s new-ish Fuze line. You may remember that I gave away some Fuze butt plugs a few months ago; well, this is my first time trying a toy from this range, and I… well, I feel pretty ambivalent about it.

The Fuze toys all come in black 100% silicone. It’s a very dark, glossy, sexy black, but it shows every single piece of lint it collects (many). The silicone is firmer than Tantus’ blend but squishier than Lelo’s blend. It’s this firmness that led to me having a hellish experience with another Happy Valley product, the Joe Rock butt plug – but vaginally, it works better. I’ve learned that my G-spot responds more favorably to harder toys.

Speaking of my G-spot… The Harmony is supposed to target it, and sadly, it doesn’t really. The shaft’s curve is so minimal that it brushes right past my G-spot without taking the time to stimulate it. The very slight ripples on the top side of the dildo feel nice going in and out of my vag, but this is certainly no Acute or Tsunami – it does little or nothing to my G-spot.

Both the Harmony and its thicker counterpart the Wilde have a unique feature I’ve never seen anywhere else: a harness-friendly base that has ridges on the bottom. It’s meant to stimulate the clit of the person wearing the dildo in their harness, and I applaud Happy Valley for being innovative and taking risks in this arena. Do the ridges do anything for me when I rub them on my vulva? Not really. Not much more than a regular flat base does, even with lube. But I’m not an experienced harness user at all. I know plenty of people who would probably appreciate this feature a lot. (And it helps that there’s a hole for a bullet vibe at the base.)

With an insertable length of about 5 ½” and a girth of 1 ¼”, the Harmony is a good size for a warm-up dildo. And that’s primarily what I use it for: warm-up. It satisfies my vag easily for the first few minutes of jerking off, while my G-spot is starting up and I’m easing into penetration – but as soon as I start to get really aroused, I need something better. Try as I might, I can’t have blended orgasms with the Harmony, because what it does to my vagina is more like “passing through” than “rubbing and stroking.” It makes me wonder if I might prefer the Wilde after all, even though it’s larger than the toys I usually use, because the girth would please my love-starved G-spot better. Who knows?

I can recommend the Harmony to someone who wants a smallish dildo, ideally for harness use. I have a feeling I’d like it a lot more if it were strapped onto someone I love, but on its own, it just doesn’t satisfy.

Thanks very much, SheVibe!

Public Service Reminder: Sexual Orientation is Internal

Kate Sloan

I’ve been engaging in a lot of conversations lately about various aspects of queer sexuality – what else is new? – and it occurred to me that a lot of people hold a huge misconception about sexual orientation.

Many people think you can tell a person’s sexual orientation from how they look, move, or speak. This could not be further from the truth.

In fact, you can never actually know someone’s sexual orientation unless they tell it to you in no uncertain terms. It’s just not something that can be definitively read. Doesn’t matter how good you think your “gaydar” is, or how much you think you know the “signs” – there’s literally no way to know for sure how someone identifies, unless they tell you themselves.

This extends to gender identity and trans* status, too. I’ve heard all too many people claim they’ve “never met a trans person,” but the thing is, they don’t know that. There aren’t any foolproof, telltale signs. Thinking you know whether someone is trans is as ignorant as thinking you know someone’s STI status just by looking at them – you don’t. There’s no way you could.

As a queer femme in a relationship with a dude, I get misread all the time. I understand perfectly well why it happens – I “look straight” (i.e. girly and not particularly “alternative” in any way), and I’m often holding hands with a member of the opposite sex. But that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I recall the time I got booed at a Pride event for kissing my boyfriend, and how hurtful that was. That person assumed I was straight. They don’t know me and they don’t know what’s in my heart, but they thought they did, and that hurts.

But the thing is, practically everyone does it. I did it myself, the other day. A guy I volunteer with, who I’d always assumed was gay because he’d been telling me about the man he was seeing, suddenly mentioned that he doesn’t identify as gay. I still don’t know how he does identify, but it was a great reminder that we all need to stop making so many assumptions and just have the courage to ask if we’re curious. It’s been my experience, in queer and trans* communities, that asking someone “What do you identify as?” or “What pronouns do you use?” or “What kind of person are you usually attracted to?” is not frowned upon, but instead, almost always welcomed. People love to talk about themselves, especially if asked in a respectful, genuinely interested way.

How do you identify? Where do you lie on the Kinsey scale? Do you ever get misread for an identity that doesn’t fit you? How do you deal with that?

Review: Wahl 2-Speed

Kate Sloan

The Wahl 2-Speed All-Body Massager is meant for sore muscles, not genitalia. But then again, so is one of the most famous vibrators of all time, the Hitachi Magic Wand. So even though the Wahl’s instruction pamphlet says specifically to avoid using the massager on your junk, I went ahead and did it anyway, because plenty of other reviewers told me it would be awesome.

It is awesome. The AC-powered Wahl is easily the strongest vibrator I’ve ever used – which makes sense, given that it’s designed to penetrate deeply into muscles.

In fact, I’m such a sensitive gal that I initially didn’t enjoy my Wahl all that much. I’d hold it on my clit on the low setting for a few seconds and then I’d get that tickly, too-sensitive feeling and have to remove it. For me, the solution was as simple as positioning the vibe a little higher up on my clitoral hood, closer to the vulval mound. Et voilà! Pleasure.

As its name suggests, the Wahl 2-Speed has… two speeds. The lower one is somewhat buzzy, and is comparable with the high settings on most standard vibrators. It’s a nice speed, but I find my clit wants more when I get close to coming. So I click up to the high speed, which is kind of insane. Every Wahl review I’ve read has made some comparison to a jackhammer or other power tool, and that’s apt. It’s extremely rumbly and very intense. It literally feels like someone very tiny is punching my clit repeatedly. I know that sounds unpleasant – and it would be, if I jumped right into it – but when I’m aroused enough, it’s exactly what I need.

My Wahl is an older one, so it came with seven different attachments, each with a different body part it’s supposed to service. The newer Wahls only come with four of the seven, but luckily, this includes the two most useful ones for sexytimes usage – the “spot application” attachment, which is perfect for clits and nipples, and the “facial massage” attachment, which can be used like a suction cup to make your favorite dildo vibrate. (Yes, I have tried this, and the vibrations are so strong that I actually enjoy it, despite the fact that I don’t generally like internal vibration. Yay!)

The obvious upside of the Wahl is that it will get you off. Much like the Hitachi, some people might have to use it through towels or underwear or what have you, but it will eventually give you an orgasm. But what about the downsides? Well, it’s kinda heavy. And it’s kinda bulky. It doesn’t fit so well between bodies for use during sex. It may be a bit numbing for some, especially on the buzzier lower setting. And my orgasms with the Wahl, while being very strong and reliable, are sometimes almost painful because the high speed is so aggressive.

This isn’t a vibe for folks who can get off easily from little stimulation. This is a vibe for those of us who enjoy serious power (indeed, clit-punching power) and aren’t afraid to put our genitals near a massager that resembles a gun or a hairdryer.

If that sounds like you, get the Wahl. It’s more focused than the Hitachi and some say it’s even stronger, so other than temporary clitoral sensitivity, what have you got to lose?

Porn Review: Crash Pad Series #83

Kate Sloan

I have a crush on Tina Horn and Roger Wood as a couple. Their scene in Live Sex Show stirred up some heat in my panties, but it wasn’t til I saw them in Jiz Lee’s birthday party orgy that I realized how much fondness I have for watching these two people have sex. There’s a shot in the orgy where Tina and Roger’s faces aren’t even visible, just their bodies, clothes, and the strap-on they’re using – and I recognized them from that alone. I saw the purple dildo, rough fucking, and juicy spankable ass, and I thought, “That’s gotta be Roger and Tina.” And of course, it was.

Their one-on-one scene for Crash Pad is even better. It’s pretty much what I’ve come to expect from these two: a relaxed but serious D/s dynamic and the authentic intimacy of two real-life lovers.

Things I don’t really like about this scene: Roger spitting on Tina’s pussy (spitting never does anything for me in porn) and the squeaking noises the bed makes (they actually broke the Crash Pad bed while filming this, though that part’s been edited out of the clip and put into the “behind the scenes” featurette instead).

Things I do really like about this scene: Tina’s perfect ass getting spanked until it reddens. Tina calling Roger “Daddy” and “baby.” The way Roger fucks the shit out of Tina and the noises she makes in response. The moment when Roger instructs Tina to remove her skirt and panties and get on the bed, and Tina says, “What about my socks?” and Roger tells her to leave them on, which makes her laugh. The way Roger stays mostly clothed while Tina is mostly naked. The genderfuckery. Roger’s hand wrapped around Tina’s throat. The way he still manages to be the Dom even while Tina’s on top, by saying “Come on, fuck me, come on.” And then when he says “You gonna come for Daddy?” and she does. The totally loving and worshipful cunnilingus that follows after the lengthy ravaging.

One of the really endearing things about Tina Horn is that she clearly loves being fucked, but also needs clitoral stimulation to get off (or so it would seem, anyway). She’s like most of us. And she doesn’t deny or downplay that need, unlike a lot of porn stars who will pretend they’re having wild orgasms from penetration alone. She rubs her clit during sex and neither partner has any issue with that. Brava!

And the most endearing thing about Roger, to me, is that he fucks like a wildman. Seriously, this is some of the fastest, hardest, roughest fucking I’ve ever seen, and yet it still manages to seem somewhat controlled and G-spot-focused. Every time I see Roger fuck, I think, “Damn, my pussy wants some of that.” And really, isn’t that what watching porn is all about?

This is just a very fucking sexy scene that makes me happy to have a Crash Pad membership. If all porn was like this, I think a lot more women would understand what the hype was about.