Author: Kate Sloan

Review: Womanizer OG (A Pressure-Wave Stimulator For Your G-Spot!)

Kate Sloan

Ever since the first Womanizer launched years ago, consumers have had plenty of questions about the pressure-wave technology these toys utilized. How does it work? (It sends out rhythmic pulses of air to create a tapping/sucking sensation on the external clit.) Does it feel better than vibration? (Not “better,” exactly, but different, and some people might like it more.) Are pricey pressure-wave toys worth the money? (Possibly, but you’re better off trying a cheaper one initially to see if you like it.)

Another question that’s often been asked about these toys is: Can this technology be used to stimulate areas other than the clit?

The company that originated the technology proved that indeed it can be used for other purposes when they developed the Arcwave, a pressure-wave toy for dicks that focuses on the frenulum. But now, they’ve expanded the scope of their offerings and launched the Womanizer OG, a toy that uses pressure-waves on your G-spot. Is it any good? Let’s talk about it.

 

Things I like about the Womanizer OG

  • The OG combines pressure-waves with vibration, which has always been a pretty successful combination when Womanizer’s attempted it before, and is successful here too. They feel good together, though I have some concerns about the fact that they can’t be used separately from one another (more on that below).
  • On that note, the vibration quality is exactly what my G-spot tends to crave: deep and rumbly, no matter which of the three vibration intensities you’re on. This makes it less likely to activate an annoying or painful “need-to-pee” feeling when I press it against my G-spot, and makes blended orgasms easier to achieve.
  • The “mouth” of the toy has been expanded from Womanizers’ typical clit-sized dimensions; it’s longer, wider, and flatter, so as to stimulate your G-spot better. This could also potentially make it better for folks with bigger clits who want a pressure-wave toy they can use either internally or externally (the manual recommends warming up by using the OG on your clit before using it internally).
  • The curve of the toy’s body is well-designed: it’s ergonomic to hold, and to thrust with, but (at least for my particular anatomy) the handle doesn’t get in the way of my clit too much and I can still use a clitoral vibe or touch my clit with my fingers while the OG is inside me.
  • The OG has “Smart Silence,” a feature where the toy shuts off when you move it away from your skin and starts up again when you make contact. This isn’t super relevant for a G-spot toy because it’s (presumably) going to be inside you most of the time that you’re using it, but it’s nice if, for example, you need to suddenly pull the toy out of you and go answer the door for the mail delivery person or something, and don’t have time to hold down the “off” button for a few seconds. Also, Smart Silence can be turned off if you don’t like it.
  • The toy also has an “Afterglow” feature where, if you press the “minus” button for one second, the toy jumps back down to its lowest intensity. This feature is intended to prevent painful overstimulation that can happen during and after orgasm.
  • The manual and promotional materials for the OG are all very clear on two key points: that the G-spot is more of a G-zone, and that clitoral stimulation is crucial for most vagina-owners even if their G-spot is being stimulated well. I genuinely appreciate sex toy companies who provide accurate information to their consumers, instead of constantly hyping up their product’s virtues at the risk of making some users feel “broken” for not experiencing the toy as instantaneously orgasmic.
  • It comes in a few not-especially-gendered colors. The “slate” shade is your best bet if you loathe traditional sex toy pinks and purples.
  • The silicone covering the toy is smooth, soft, and plays well with water-based lube.
  • Like most pressure-wave toys these days, the OG is waterproof, so you can take it in the shower or bath and don’t need to worry you’ll ruin it while washing it.

Things I don’t like about the Womanizer OG

  • Most annoyingly for me, you can’t use the pressure-waves separately from the vibration – and I actually wonder if this was done on purpose, to mask the relative ineffectiveness of pressure-waves on the G-spot. I can’t feel much when the toy is in use aside from the vibration, which (don’t get me wrong) feels good, but isn’t exactly a revolutionary sensation. I asked Womanizer about this and they said the pressure-waves and vibration “are always simultaneous, but if you want to focus on one feature more than the other, you can turn it down to the lowest level,” and indeed, there are three different vibration settings which can be controlled separately from the intensity of the pressure-waves. But there’s no way to turn the vibrations off altogether, and even on the lowest level, the pressure-waves feel drowned out by vibration so I can’t give a definitive statement on whether they actually feel good alone.
  • The OG retails for $199–219 (depending on where you get it from) and I find that price hard to justify, given that – to my seasoned vagina, anyhow – it doesn’t feel that different from a great G-spot vibrator like the Lelo Mona 2 ($169), Swan Wand ($116) or We-Vibe Rave ($113). I understand that the pressure-wave technology must be more expensive to implement, but if it’s barely discernible over the vibrations then I’m not sure it was worth implementing, or that it’s worth paying extra for.
  • The phrase “simultaneous stimulation” is used a lot in the marketing for the OG, which – in conjunction with its almost C-shaped body – might make some consumers think it can stimulate your G-spot and your clit at the same time, which it can’t (or at least can’t do well). The “simultaneous stimulation” being referred to is the vibration and pressure-waves being applied simultaneously to your G-spot.
  • The marketing copy also says that the toy is “flexible,” allowing for “a comfortable, custom fit,” but it is not. I can bend it maybe half an inch, if that, before it starts to feel like I might snap it in half if I push harder. That’s enough flex to potentially make it more comfortable to thrust in and out, but since a lot of people’s G-spots prefer firm, steady pressure, I’m not sure flexibility was a good choice for this toy anyway.
  • The manual notes, “Smart Silence may not work when the stimulation head is wet. Therefore, please make sure not to apply lube into the Pleasure Air head.” This is baffling to me. If you’re designing a toy specifically to go into the vagina, all of its features should work regardless of how wet it gets – and if that’s not possible, that feature shouldn’t be offered on that toy.
  • The big, wide mouth is hard to clean, and inevitably gets caked with vag gunk in short order. This isn’t a detriment operationally because the toy is waterproof and will keep chugging away regardless of how much cum gets into it (except for the Smart Silence feature, as described above), but you will need to have some kind of scrub brush on hand when you wash it after use (an old toothbrush works great) and it can be hard to tell if you’ve actually cleaned it thoroughly or not.
  • Speaking of the toy’s mouth, it’s not well-shaped for clitoral stimulation (at least for my clit, which I’d say is on the larger end of average but not large-large), so despite what the toy’s manual recommends, I haven’t been able to get myself turned on for an OG session by first using it on my clit. It just doesn’t form a seal the way normal clitoral Womanizers do for me, so the stimulation is almost imperceptible.
  • The name is bad. “Womanizer” in itself is still a pretty shitty brand name, and “OG” (presumably a reference to “original gangster,” yikes) doesn’t make sense as a name because usually it means that something is “the original,” the first iteration of itself, whereas the OG is a much-evolved pressure-wave toy that bears little resemblance to the first Womanizers. But I’m a pedant, so.

Final thoughts

Don’t get me wrong: I can orgasm easily and consistently with the Womanizer OG, when it’s paired with a clitoral vibe. If you like G-spot vibrators, or have reason to believe you might, then you’d probably like the OG.

The problem is, I just don’t think it feels different enough from any other good-quality G-spot vibrator to warrant its hype and high price tag. Or maybe my G-spot just isn’t sensitive enough to detect a difference – but if that’s the case, I imagine that’s true of most people’s G-spots, since that area isn’t nearly as enervated as the external clitoris to begin with.

As with the Arcwave, I have to commend Womanizer for taking a big risk on a new and innovative way of utilizing pressure-waves, but I’m just not sure it works as well as they hoped. If they choose to make more pressure-wave G-spot toys in the future, I hope they’re able to focus on the pressure-waves themselves, not just vibrations, so that users can actually feel the fancy technology they’re splurging on.

If you want a fantastic Womanizer, get the Premium 2 and put it on your clit. If you want an excellent G-spot vibrator, get a Lelo Mona 2. If you want to feel pressure-waves on your G-spot and have some cash to spend, feel free to give the OG a shot – but I’m hopeful that this isn’t the last we’ll hear about G-spot pressure-waves, and that future iterations will emphasize the pleasures of pressure-waves instead of overpowering them with vibration, rumbly and pleasurable though it may be.

 

Thanks to Womanizer for sending me this toy to try! They didn’t pay me to write this review. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

I Got a Tattoo of an Iconic Sex Toy!

Kate Sloan

This year, more than any other year of my career so far, my work has focused almost exclusively on sex toys. Whether I was writing for GQ, MEL, SELF, smaller clients, or this blog, most of the articles I’ve cranked out this year have been about vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, cock rings, and the like.

As such, when my nearly-annual craving for a new tattoo hit me, I began to wonder why I hadn’t yet gotten a sex toy tattoo. I think there were a few main reasons for this:

  1. I am always worried about incorporating actual brands or products into my tattoos incase their creators do something egregious in the future. Like, imagine if I got a dildo tattooed on me and then its maker was outed years later as a misogynist, homophobe or transphobe. If you think that sounds unlikely, that’s sadly probably because you haven’t been in this industry for as long as I have. I’ve seen some shit, man. ☹️
  2. Since they’re gonna remain on my skin for the rest of my life, I’ve been relatively careful about only getting tattoos that were “appropriate” enough that I wouldn’t be embarrassed if, say, a member of my extended family was to see them on me during a beach day. Sex toy tattoos don’t quite fall into that category, although I’m nowhere near as embarrassed about them now as I would’ve been a few years ago, because of the success I’ve attained writing about them and the internal work I’ve done in therapy on confidence and agency. (And also, I can’t say that I do beach days with my extended family very often.)
  3. I didn’t know which sex toy I wanted to get tattooed on me. Many have been meaningful to me in different ways.

The more that I thought about it, though, the more that the Magic Wand made sense to me as a potential tattoo. It’s a truly iconic sex toy, one that is deeply entangled with the history of sex-positive feminism. From its popularization at Betty Dodson’s Bodysex workshops in the ’70s and beyond, to its prevalence in queer and straight porn alike, to the dramatic takeover of its distribution by Vibratex in 2014-2015 when Hitachi wanted to stop making it, this vibrator has a story that is so much bigger than just the toy itself – which is part of why I felt like it’d still be okay for me to have it on my skin even if its makers fucked up in some major way. (Having interviewed the lovely Shay Martin, owner of Vibratex, though, I doubt that would ever happen.)

So I emailed my go-to tattoo artist, Laura Blaney, who’d previously done the pink bows on the backs of my thighs, the flowers on my right arm, and the pen and pencil on my left arm. I told her I wanted to get the Magic Wand with some flowers I associate with love and joy, roses and daffodils. (Flowers are one of Laura’s specialties as an artist.) We had to put off the appointment for a few months because she was on maternity leave, which just gave me more time to sit with the tattoo idea and decide that I did indeed really want it on me.

Immediately after finishing the final session. And yes, of course I wore underwear that matches the tattoo. Who do you think I am?!

As it turned out, this tattoo is the largest and most involved one I’ve ever gotten. It takes up most of my thigh, but is positioned such that I can easily hide it with a skirt or shorts if need be.

Process shots: stenciled, outlined, and what it looked like at the end of the first session

Because it’s so large, it took two sessions to complete: three and a half hours were spent on outlining all the shapes, doing the daffodils and the shading on the wand, while another five-hour session was devoted to the roses and filling in color on the wand. I had initially wanted the wand itself to be light pink, because I thought white seemed a little boring for my tastes, but in talking to my spouse about it, eventually I decided it made more sense to leave it white; it made it more instantly recognizable as the iconic sex toy that it is, and also contrasted nicely with the brightness of the flowers.

As per always, the tattooing process with Laura was smooth and easy. There were definitely times when it was painful but those were few and far between; for the most part I was able to just breathe through any discomfort and focus on various distractions instead. (I was reading a Nick Drake biography during our first session and Leslie Jamison’s addiction recovery memoir during our second session; the other tattoo artist also put Back to the Future and then Seinfeld on the TV while we were working and those were enjoyable too.)

I’m absolutely in love with this tattoo, as I’ve been enamored with every other tattoo Laura has given me. Her work is just beautiful, and she’s extremely detail-oriented and focused on clients’ comfort.

What it looked like before and after removing the Saniderm (you can see that there’s some dried excess ink under there, which is normal)

She used Saniderm on my freshly-done tattoo, which I’ve had used on me a few other times before; it’s a clear bandage that goes over the tattoo and keeps bacteria out while still letting the skin breathe, so that it’s protected during the first few crucial days of healing. I would highly recommend Saniderm if your artist offers it as an option; it’s always amazing to me how close the tattoo is to looking healed by the time I gently and carefully peel off the bandage with the help of some Dove soap on the third or fourth day after getting inked.

I’m thrilled to have a permanent reminder on my skin of the importance of self-love, self-care and self-pleasure, as well as the history of the sex-positive feminist movement which is so close to my heart (and, now, my junk). Thank you to Laura and also to everyone involved in the Magic Wand’s storied ascent to being one of the most popular and iconic sex toys of all time!

 

Previous posts about my tattoos:

How I Get Through the Winter with Seasonal Depression

Kate Sloan

Here in Toronto, we’ve just turned back our clocks to mark the end of Daylight Savings Time, and if you’re prone to seasonal depression like I am, you might be worried that those low moods are just around the corner (or are already here). I know I always get a little nervous when the time changes, afraid of the possibility of descending into a black cloud of depression as I have during some previous winters.

However, seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is my oldest mental health diagnosis, so I’ve had over 15 years to hone my methods of getting through the most difficult season. Here are some suggestions I have for other folks who struggle with SAD or who just find that their mood tends to dip when it’s cold and gloomy out.

 

Therapy, meds, etc. If these things help you, or if you think they might, now is a great time to make use of them, or to re-commit to them after some time away. I have a trauma therapist who I speak with every 2 weeks and I’ve been on a daily dose of Wellbutrin for a few years, and both of those things have helped my mood and energy levels immeasurably.

Supplements. Vitamin D is the obvious one, to compensate for the lower levels you might be taking in if you’re spending more time indoors. I also take iron pills because I’m anaemic and they help a lot with my energy, and in the past I’ve sometimes found that 5-HTP helped boost my mood. This is also an especially good time to get some bloodwork done so your doctor can determine whether there are other vitamins and nutrients you could use some more of.

Light therapy. One of the treatments that’s been most conclusively proven to help with seasonal depression is the use of a SAD lamp, and it’s also one of the things that’s personally helped me most, in terms of both energy and mood.

The brand I would most recommend for this is Day-Light: they made my first SAD lamp, which my parents bought me in 2006 and which lasted me for over a decade without even needing to replace the bulbs! I used to keep it on my nightstand so I could blast myself in the face with light immediately upon awaking every day, which helped a lot with the extreme morning grogginess I experience in the winter.

Eventually I upgraded to a newer model, the Day-Light Sky Bright (cute name), and I truly love it. Its body and neck are slim enough that it fits in nicely behind my computer monitor and can shine down on me while I’m working at my desk. I also have a small, travel-sized SAD lamp that I use when I’m staying at my partner’s house. Generally the recommended “dosage” is 30-60 minutes of sitting in front of the light (but not looking directly at it) every morning in the winter, but check with your doctor and read the instructions of your particular lamp to see if their recommendations differ from that.

Stay active, physically and socially. Sure, exercise helps with mood and energy, but I also mean stay socially active if you can – go out, see friends or family, attend events you’re excited about, etc. if you feel able to do so. (I know COVID safety protocols make this tricky, but do your best.) Social connection can work wonders for depression, and while it’s easy for a depressed person to fall into a vicious cycle of thinking no one wants to see you and therefore never trying to see anyone, it’s worth making an effort to stay in touch with your loved ones throughout the winter, even if just via phone calls or Zoom chats. I often find that having plans keeps me more physically active as well because I tend to walk to wherever I’m meeting up with my pal(s).

Stay warm. Related to the above point, I’ve found in some previous years that the thought of going out in the cold was so absolutely despair-generating for me that I often couldn’t even face it. What has helped me most with that problem is buying better winter gear, so that even while I’m trudging through snow on a grey day, I feel relatively cozy. Shearling-lined Bean boots, a goose-down coat and a super-warm knit beanie are all must-haves for me in the winter.

Dress bright. While I’m talking about clothes – I’ve had a loud, bright personal style since I was a kid and I think winter is an especially important time for it. I just can’t be sad (or at least, can’t be as sad) when I’m wearing a dress with a wild, colorful print on it, or blue metallic Doc Martens, or hot pink lipstick with teal eyeshadow. A nice thing about doing this is that you’ll brighten up the days of anyone who sees you, too!

Get excited about something. It’s hugely useful for me to have some kind of “project” or “obsession” that propels me through the winter. Sometimes this has been an old TV show I’ve marathon-watched in its entirety over a month or two and then started reading/writing fanfiction for. Sometimes it’s been working my way through several books by a particular great author, like Oliver Sacks or Stephen King. Sometimes it’s been embarking on a creative project like writing a book, learning to paint, or recording an album at home. Whatever you decide to focus on can be helpful because depression so often saps us of our passions, and that phenomenon can be actively fought against by seeking out new passions and committing to them.

Get your sleep schedule in order. Sleep is vital to our overall functioning, and I find this is especially true when I’m already struggling, whether mentally or physically or both. I always wear a great eye mask to block out light when I sleep, and use a white noise app to play soothing, monotonous sounds that drown out the construction noise and cat-yowling that might otherwise awaken me before I want to be awakened. Some people also find it helpful to take melatonin at night and/or to phase out caffeine.

 

Fellow SAD-sufferers, what helps you most with the bleakness of winter?

Great News: My Books Are Finally Available as Ebooks!!

Kate Sloan

As an e-reader devotee, I totally understood when folks started asking me about ebook availability back when each of my two books were launched. Not only can e-readers be more convenient (say, if you happen to finish the book you’re reading on a long-haul flight and want to start another one right away so you don’t die of boredom) – they can also be more accessible for people with various disabilities and conditions who struggle to read, or hold, a physical book. And I want my books to be accessible to the highest number of people possible, naturally!

In some ways I understand why my publisher, Laurence King, decided to hold off on making these tomes into ebooks initially: they are beautifully laid out, especially 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do, which is illustrated by the wonderful Ewa Żak. And of course, you can’t spank somebody with an ebook, at least not unless you have a particularly permissive warranty on your e-reader. But I’m glad that they nonetheless eventually put out these books in electronic form, because now more people can read them. Read on for all the info!

101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do

• Available in physical form at Amazon, Bookshop, Powell’s, Indigo, and more
• Available in ebook form for Kindle and Kobo

This book is, arguably, my magnum opus. I never thought, when I began my career as a sex writer over a decade ago, that I’d write an in-depth introduction to kink and BDSM for beginners – and yet somehow I ended up doing exactly that.

This book is the intro I wish I’d had when I first started wondering, “Am I kinky?” It’s packed with practical information about safety, negotiation, and aftercare, but more compellingly, it contains write-ups on literally 101 different kinks, fetishes, and fun kink-adjacent activities. Whether you’re into kinks that are often considered more “mild,” like spanking or using nipple clamps, or kinks that fall more on the “wild” side of the spectrum, like electrostimulation and erotic hypnosis, there’s plenty in here that you’ll find useful and inspiring.

Every chapter contains a description of what the kink is, why some people find it hot, and how to do it in a way that respects the physical and emotional safety of both you and your partner(s). There are also three “Try This!” suggestions at the end of each chapter which offer concrete ways that you can incorporate that kink into your sex life tonight. Where possible, I’ve provided suggestions that will work solo, too, not just in a partnered scenario – so if you’re kinky or kink-curious and want to pick up some tips, this book is for you, regardless of whether you’re single or partnered, sexually active or not.

The book also contains definitions of many kink lexicon terms that you’ll find useful, especially as you start to build community with other kinksters locally or online. And there’s a big list of resources at the end of the book – podcasts, websites, videos, other books, etc. – if you want to learn more about particular kinks and kink-related issues.

I’m thrilled to report that Ewa’s delightful illustrations are included in the ebook, too, so you won’t be denied their beauty if you go the electronic route. Yay!

200 Words to Help You Talk About Sexuality & Gender

• Available in physical form at Amazon, Bookshop, Powell’s, Indigo, and more
• Available in ebook form for Kindle and Kobo

It was certainly daunting when Laurence King Publishing asked me to compile a book of 200 sex-and-gender-related words and their definitions, especially since those terms are ever-evolving. But after a lot of thought, finessing, and research, I put together a book I’m proud of.

From big-picture concepts like gender roles, patriarchy, and sexual attraction, to more specific and lesser-known notions like bioessentialism, gender euphoria and demisexuality, this book is packed with helpful definitions that can help you better understand not only your own sexuality and gender, but those of the people in your life.

It’s always a good thing to expand your horizons in these areas, because sexuality and gender are two aspects of identity that can shape our lives in massive ways. This book is also meant to be a catalyst for conversations, whether you buy a copy for an out-of-touch relative to ease the process of coming out to them, flip through the pages with a partner who’s unsure which labels they want to use for themselves, or gift it to a teen in your life who seems to be struggling with their identity.

 

As ever, thanks for reading – this blog, my books, or both – and I hope you enjoy! 💜

“A Song A Week” Challenge: Monthly Recap 10 of 12

Kate Sloan

Song 41/52: “Go Deeper”

Lyrics:

Breathe in some fresh air and breathe out all your cares and keep breathing
And notice the thoughts that are passing, arising, repeating
And let them all go, because deep down, you know that you’re safe
And inside your mind, you can certainly find a nice place

Let your eyes fall closed if they want to
Feel your spine – it’s strong and it’s got you
Feel your mind melting as it tries not to

Chorus:
Go deeper now
Doesn’t matter how
Just go deeper now
Let your thoughts drift away like a cloud

And if it feels good, then maybe you should let it take you
It’s easier, so just give in and let go of what ails you
Your arms getting heavy, along with your legs and your chest
And if you relax, it is simply a fact that you’ll rest

Who knows where your mind disappears to?
If you call it back, it’ll hear you
But we both know you’re really just here to…

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

I was deep in trance during a hypnokink scene when the idea entered my mind that I should write a song that is a hypnotic induction. It felt like such an important idea that I said it out loud to my spouse through the fuzzy fogginess of trance, so that I might remember the idea later on. And I did!

Incidentally, a few days before that, I had watched this video about a chord progression that’s apparently super popular in Japanese music but isn’t widely used in Western music (although, notably, both of Rick Astley’s best-known songs – “Together Forever” and the infamous “Never Gonna Give You Up” – use this progression, as does the Silk Sonic banger “Leave the Door Open”). I’d made a note of it incase I wanted to use it for a song at some point. I thought it made sense to use it for this hypnotic song because it’s a progression that never resolves to the home chord of the key, which gives it this strange feeling of perpetual unfinishedness and driftiness, like being in trance.

I wrote some lyrics for the first verse and prechorus, and then sang them over the progression – and then I improvised the chorus after that, and liked how it came out so I kept it.

Song 42/52: “I’d Marry You Again”

Lyrics:

I’d marry you again
Just say when, just say when
Walk down another aisle
Hey, why not? It’s been a while

No need to have it catered
Don’t need a decorator
And tell our friends and family that we’ll see ya later

Just wanna say those vows
We already know how

I’d marry you once more
And meet you out on the dance floor
I’d throw a bright bouquet
Just like I did back on that day

There’s no RSVPing
It’s all about the feeling
Don’t mean to be repetitive, but it is worth repeating:

I’d marry you again
Just say when, just say when

 

Songwriting diary:

I had tweeted a few days before writing this song about how I still regularly have the momentary thought that I’d like to marry my partner before remembering we already did that. I just love them so much, and wanted to marry them so much before we did it, that my mind evidently still clings onto that as a beloved goal even though it’s already happened. It’s nice.

So, with that in mind, I started improvising words while plucking a minimalistic little ukulele part, and the beginning of this song came out. I built it from there, pulling from online lists of wedding-related tropes and traditions to fill out the rest of the lyrics. It’s a pretty short song (actually it’s the shortest one I’ve done for this challenge), but that’s nice sometimes!

Song 43/52: “Every Morning”

Lyrics:

Is love hard, or has love just been hard before?
My guard is up, but I don’t wanna be guarded anymore

Chorus:
Every morning, you say “I love you”
And every morning, I say “I love you too”
That’s just what we do

My dream love never quite looked the way this does
But my dream, love, was a dream for who I thought I was

(repeat chorus)

Back then, my heart would stop and start
Hot and cold, highs and lows
Then you came ’round; I’m safe and sound
In the now, ’cause I know:

(repeat chorus)

Every morning that I’m in your arms
Is a morning when I thank my lucky stars

 

Songwriting diary:

I was very frustrated this week at my apparent lack of success in writing a song. It was Friday night and I’d polished up 2-3 songs I’d been writing over the past few weeks, but didn’t really like any of them (one was about tattoos, one about gender and one about impostor syndrome). I wrote in a song earlier this year that “the songs never have to be good; they just have to get done,” and while that’s true, there have definitely been several songs this year that I’ve ostensibly finished but haven’t felt good enough about to include as part of this challenge. I always wanted to push myself to write something better instead, which is what happened this week.

I was messing around with my favorite voicing of the Fmajor7 chord on the ukulele and found a rhythmic way of finger-picking it that was very evocative to me, and so I started improvising a vocal line over it. I had just guested on my spouse’s podcast earlier that day, and one of the things we talked about was how I always imagined I’d end up with a writer, actor, visual artist, or other artsy type when I got older, but mb’s personality and brain are creatively oriented even though they’re not in one of those conventionally artsy fields. (Software development definitely involves a lot of creativity!) So I guess I was in a mood to marvel at how our love story turned out so different from what I’d envisioned all those years and is somehow nonetheless exactly what I needed.

Song 44/52: “Grandmaster”

Lyrics:

I don’t know how you bring out the best in us
There’s people like you, and then there’s the rest of us
I take your thoughts as gifts and as gospel truth
Though my family worries that I might be wasting my youth

But it’s not a waste
To follow you anyplace
And I’ll follow you home, ’cause you’re the only home I know

Chorus:
‘Cause you’re my grandmaster
And I’m falling faster
Than I ever thought I could
And though they insult what they call a cult
I know that your heart is good
I know that your heart is good

I thought I knew myself before I met you
But all that I knew was the lens I’d been looking through
My world is shifting as I absorb your words
You never listen, but somehow I still feel heard

But that’s just your way
And of course, I am glad to pay
For the privilege of being a prisoner you’re freeing now

(repeat chorus)

If sometimes I question some of your lessons
I’m sorry if I’m out of turn
If I understood it, I’d know that you’re good at
Helping us learn what we need to learn

(repeat chorus)

I think that your heart is good

 

Songwriting diary:

Months ago, the first two lines of this song randomly occurred to me (“I don’t know how you bring out the best in us/ There’s people like you, and then there’s the rest of us“) and I wrote them down in the music folder of my notes app, not really sure what they were about or when I’d ever be able to use them.

At some point I started watching season 2 of The Vow, which is a show about a New York-based cult called NXIVM that I’ve been fascinated by for a while – I’ve seen a couple of documentary series on it and read a book about it. It occurred to me that those lines sounded like something that one of the cult leader Keith Raniere’s followers might have said about him, and then I decided I wanted to write a song from their perspective. It was partly inspired by “Unworthy of Your Love” from the musical Assassins, specifically the part sung by Squeaky Fromme to her hero and lover Charles Manson, and the way she is clearly so brainwashed and taken in by him. “Grandmaster” is one of the names that Keith Raniere’s followers called him, along with “Vanguard.”

I’m honestly not that happy with this song and it feels like one of the only ones I’ve kind of “phoned in,” but I’m also glad I wrote it and I think there’s some good lines in it. Besides which: the entire point of a challenge like this is to generate new songs, some of which I’m gonna like and some I’m not. It’s a useful lesson in releasing perfectionism and just doing what I can do, every single week.