Author: Kate Sloan

My Book is Out!! Here’s Some Fun Facts About “101 Kinky Things”…

Kate Sloan

Dear sweet readers, I am thrilled to announce that my first book, 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do, is officially out worldwide as of today!!!

So many of you have cheered me on throughout the process of writing, editing, and promoting this book, and for that I am forever grateful. It’s been inexpressibly exciting to see you folks starting to receive your copies of the book and posting about it on social media or emailing me to let me know you got your copy. My heart is so full! 💖

To celebrate the book on its “birthday,” here are some random trivia items about 101 Kinky Things; think of it like the director’s commentary of my cute little book!

  • 101 Kinky Things is an elegant hardcover with a decent amount of heft, making it a surprisingly fantastic spanking implement! (I’m not the only one who thinks so…)
  • While the book is aimed at beginners to kink, I’ve received lots of feedback from super-kinky friends of mine who’ve noted that even they found stuff in this book that inspired them to try new things! It’s my hope that this can be a helpful text for any kinky or kink-curious person, regardless of where they are on their personal kink journey.
  • It’s also explicitly meant to be a useful resource whether or not you have a partner. Many of the suggestions given in the book are doable by yourself if you don’t have, or don’t want, a partner to do them with.
  • I finished writing the first draft of my manuscript way back in January 2020 – so, oddly enough, it was written before the coronavirus really ramped up where I live, and is coming out just as things are returning to some semblance of normalcy there vis-à-vis the pandemic. Cool!
  • One of the lengthiest parts of the process was the search for an illustrator. We wanted someone whose portfolio already included sexy stuff, so we could be sure they’d be comfortable with the subject matter. Eventually we settled on Ewa Żak, and I’m SO glad – her illustrations are sensual, sexy, body-positive, diverse, playful, elegant, and just exactly right for this book. (The image for Submission might be my favorite – what’s yours?)
  • My original pitch was called 101 Unusual Kinks & Fetishes and would have explored fascinating oddities of the human sexual psyche like sneezing fetishism, balloon fetishism, and clowns fetishism. Maybe I’ll still get to write a book like that someday!
  • The text on the back of the book says “Curious?” but some of the other options we considered included “You never know until you try,” “Add some sprinkles to your vanilla,” and “Try it. You might like it.”
  • I re-titled the Electrostimulation section “Zapping” so that I could say the book contains “kinky things from Aftercare to Zapping” 😂
  • We’re having a launch party and you’re invited! It’s happening tomorrow (Wednesday, Oct. 13) at the KGB Bar Red Room in New York City, and is also being livestreamed, so you can join us from anywhere around the world. Click here and reserve your free ticket – there will be readings, signing, and live kink demos featuring yours truly!

Thanks again for your support and for reading my words. If you plan on reading the book, I hope you love it, and that it inspires you to expand your erotic possibilities! ❤️

You Don’t Have to Do What Your Sex-Positive Friends Do

Kate Sloan

I’ve had a nearly lifelong love affair with the sex-positive movement. It has made life better and brighter for me, given me a solid community to connect with, and helped me recontextualize my sexual desires outside of a patriarchal, slut-shaming lens. I’m very thankful it exists.

That said, the movement has attracted its fair share of criticisms. In my view, most of its critics focus on ways that individual practitioners fail to uphold the actual values of sex-positivity. The movement itself is based on the idea that sex is inherently natural and that any sexual activity performed in a risk-aware and fully consensual way is A-OK; of course, the implication is that the inverse is also true, that sex acts achieved through force or coercion are not acceptable. However, some people within the movement use sex-positivity as a guise under which to propagate harmful and coercive values, such as “more sex = better” (nope!), “everyone wants sex” (definitely nope!), and “having as much sex as possible is what makes you cool” (nope, nope, nope!).

 

Here are 5 activities I used to think were, in some sense, an important part of being sex-positive, which I’ve since realized are no such thing:

1. Having tons of group sex all the time. Lots of my sex-pos pals are way into threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes, and I’m happy for them! I’ve just learned over time that I’m too introverted, anxious, and hypersensitive to really enjoy group sex most of the time. I’m open to the possibility of small group encounters with trusted and beloved folks, but I no longer attend orgies hoping irrationally that I’ll somehow like this one even though I haven’t liked any others. Good for me!

2. Anal sex feels pleasurable and freeing for many people, but I’ve tried it a couple times and it has mostly just made me feel ill! I still like some forms of anal play – wearing a butt plug while I do other sex stuff, being rimmed, fucking other people with a strap-on – but actually getting fucked in the ass is probably just not for me. Remember: even when using what people think is the best anal vibrator in the world, or when hooking up with someone who claims to be an anal-sex pro, it’s entirely possible that you just won’t like anal – and that’s fine!

3. All my life I’ve heard that it’s important to avoid “starfishing” during sex – i.e. to be active and participatory at all times rather than “just lying there.” However, in exploring kink, I’ve learned again and again that some people like a partner who “just lies there”! I will clarify here that I don’t think it’s generally fun to have sex with someone who has no reactions to what’s going on, unless that’s your specific kink – but as a submissive, bottomy person who lives with daily chronic pain, sometimes I just want to lie back and receive during sex, and often my partners are delighted by that, because I tend to date/hook up with people on the toppier and dommier side of the spectrum. You do you!

4. A lot of porn shows people getting into acrobatic sex positions because doing so makes for a better visual. I’ve also seen many people doing this at sex events, orgies, etc., presumably because either those positions feel good for them, or they enjoy the exhibitionism of showing off that way, or both. That’s great for them, but I can only physically sustain a few different positions, and generally I’d rather feel good than look good.

5. There are also many sex-positive-identified people who will counsel you that not wanting an orgasm every time is doing a disservice to yourself, or is in some way less “empowered” or less “feminist” a choice than the alternative. While this is certainly true for many individual people (particularly straight women who have been conditioned over time to accept a status quo of zero orgasms, while their male partners are getting off left and right), I think it’s pretty useless as a society-wide mandate. Sometimes I just don’t feel like coming, or being touched sexually at all, but am perfectly happy to get my partner off – and that is my choice and my right!

What sex acts have you felt pressured to do because those acts were described as “cool” or “empowered” or “sex-positive”?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Come to My Book Launch (Online or in NYC)!

Kate Sloan

Hello, friends! It’s less than 2 weeks until my first book, 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do, officially launches. I’ve already started to hear about some folks receiving their preordered copies early, which is exciting!

I wanted to write a brief little blog post to let you know that I’m hosting a book launch event which will take place in New York City but will also be livestreamed online. Here are the details:

  • Wednesday, October 13th, 2021
  • 7:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. Eastern (New York/Toronto time)
  • KGB Bar Red Room (85 E 4th St, New York, NY) and simultaneously livestreamed via Zoom
  • Proof of vaccination required if attending in-person
  • Reserve your free ticket here (this allows us to make sure the venue stays at a safe capacity, and it’s also how you’ll be sent the Zoom link if you’re watching online)

Some elements of this event will be pretty standard for a book launch – I’ll be reading from the book, and selling + signing copies – while some will be a bit more unorthodox: I’ll be doing demos of some of the kinks in the book, with the help of two of my favorite people, Matt and Bex. Ever wanted to see me do sadomasochism/erotic hypnosis/sensory deprivation games but never been able to (because, frankly, I almost never do those things in public these days)? Then come to (or watch) this event!

I’m so proud to be able to share this book with you and very much looking forward to seeing your faces ❤️

(P.S. Since I know the fashion-inclined among you will wonder… There’s no official dress code other than “street-legal so you don’t get arrested en route for wearing assless chaps on the streets of Manhattan,” but if you are so inclined, feel free to wear an outfit of your preferred level of fanciness in the colors of the book cover, black and gold. I’m not even much of a gold person but you can bet I’ll be rocking those shades that night!)

Behind the Seams: Kinky Things & Karaoke

Kate Sloan

August 7th, 2021

I wore this to the post office to ship a few copies of my book to various heroes of mine who’d agreed to blurb it (some of whom’s blurbs are on the book’s website now!). The whole reason I got dressed up ‘n’ dolled up was that I wanted to shoot some photos with the books before I sent them off. Being surrounded by copies of a book you wrote is a rush unlike any other!

As a side note, if those of you who buy my book would like to post some saucy selfies with it on Instagram using the hashtag #101KinkyThings, that would delight me beyond measure.

 

What I’m wearing:

• Pink ribbed crop top – Forever 21
• Pink bralette – the Gap
• Black bandage skirt – Suzy Shier
• Black leather flats – J. Crew
• Tote bag – Her Highness
• Blue leather collar – L’Amour-Propre
• Black KN95 mask
• Tom Ford lipstick in “Cherry Lush”

August 11th, 2021

Rocking those rockabilly vibes. I wore this to record an episode of Question Box and then to go out for a solo meal at my local pub. Bandanas are ideal for days when I simply cannot be bothered to style my hair.

At the pub, I sat reading a book on my Kindle, as I almost always do when I go on a solo date anywhere. On this particular day I was re-reading Under the Dome, my favorite Stephen King novel and maybe my favorite novel, period. It’s so apocalyptic and chaotic a story that revisiting it took my mind off the chaos of our actual real-life world.

This was also the anniversary of one of my worst breakups, a day that makes me feel oddly sad every year even though it happened ages ago. Always good to combat feelings of dread, anxiety, and depression with a cute outfit!

 

What I’m wearing:

• Black and white gingham romper – MeUndies
• Red bandana – possibly the Black Market years ago
• Black leather flats – J. Crew
• Pink leather Coach Cashin Carry tote
• Rouge d’Armani matte lipstick in “Lucky Red”

August 16th, 2021

Been feeling like a tomboy sometimes lately, or at least feeling more in touch with the gender-agnostic aspects of my queer femme style. Snapback hats make me feel like I’m embodying the androgyny of all the hot queers I had crushes on in high school!

I put on this semi-athletic outfit to record a podcast episode and then to walk down to the harbor and back (about a 30-minute walk each way), something I often do when I need to clear my head or just stretch my legs. When I got there, I sat on a bench by the water and read a book for a while, occasionally taking a break to people-watch or to text with friends. What a blissful afternoon!

 

What I’m wearing:

• Teal and purple “Think Positive” snapback hat – MaruHats on Etsy
• Red button-up tank top – the Gap
• Black leggings – American Eagle
• Turquoise/pink/purple Nike sneakers – a gift from my love
• Pink leather Coach Cashin Carry tote
• Apple Watch with rainbow band – inherited from my spouse
• Floral-print mask – an Etsy seller

September 16th, 2021

Speaking of snapback hats… I ordered this absolutely perfect custom-stitched one, featuring the title of my book, from Printful.com. Originally I went on there hoping to order a mug with the title on it instead, or perhaps a face mask, but then I saw that they offered this type of hat and was instantly sold. It was probably the most expensive hat I’ve ever bought ($43.50 including tax and shipping), but it was so worth it – I feel cute as heck in it and wearing it makes me into a walking billboard for my own book!

I wore this to (once again) go for a solo meal at my local pub. (They are always so happy to see me there. I love being a regular!) I was reading Gala Darling’s book Hologram Heart, which is a thoughtful and dreamy analysis of the various ways in which our past patterns and traumas shape our behavior in relationships, and how we can break out of those old cycles in order to form healthier and more harmonious connections with people we actually like. Gala is, as ever, brilliant and inspiring!

 

What I’m wearing:

• “101 Kinky Things” snapback hat – Printful.com
• Blue T-shirt – American Apparel
• Black skirt – ASOS
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Blue leather Keith Haring Coach Rogue bag – gift from my love
• Black KN95 mask
• Revlon balmstain in “Sweetheart”

September 17th, 2021

My mom invited me over to sip cocktails and hang out, and specifically told me to wear my new hat because she wanted to see it in-person, so I did. This was an ideal outfit for lounging around in her garden, martini in hand, while we caught up on each other’s lives.

Later that night, we watched a movie she wanted to show me, called Stalked by My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge. It was really goofy and broad, the way that Lifetime movies so often are, but it was entertaining in its own way, and (spoiler alert) had a surprisingly feminist subplot involving women conspiring together in order to bring down a problematic man.

 

What I’m wearing:

• “101 Kinky Things” snapback hat – Printful.com
• Purple floral-print dress – H&M
• Turquoise bralette – Aerie
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Revlon balmstain in “Smitten”

September 18th, 2021

One more outfit with this hat… for now, anyway…!

I wore this to go out to karaoke with my friends Dan and Sarah. Karaoke was one of the last activities the three of us did together before the world shut down in March 2020, so it was surprisingly emotional to return to it now that we’re all vaxxed. We were really excited to see our favorite karaoke hostess Elyse again – she brought the house down by beginning the evening with a mesmerizing rendition of “Wild Horses.”

I sang “Bouncing Off the Ceiling” by the A-Teens, a dependable bop. The bar had put safety measures in place such as sanitizing everything between singers and requiring that we each used our own “mic condoms” (i.e. microphone covers) when we went up to sing. We were specifically told, “No dancing in the aisles! Only dance in your seats!” but, well, people were pretty excited to be at karaoke again, so that rule wasn’t followed too stringently…

 

What I’m wearing:

• “101 Kinky Things” snapback hat – Printful.com
• Green tank top with rainbow triangle – bought from Tegan and Sara’s merch table at Pride several years ago; if I’m not mistaken, this design is by Emy Storey, Sara Quin’s ex-wife and long-time collaborator
• Black skirt – ASOS (I really wish I had bought more of these, I wear this one so much)
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Coach Rambler bag in “hibiscus”
• Black leather jacket – Danier Leather

How to Have Sex in a Long-Distance Relationship

Kate Sloan

For a long time I maintained that I would never be in a long-distance relationship, because sex and other forms of physical affection mattered too much to me.

However, then I fell in love with a brilliant, beautiful, dominant-leaning switch who lives 500 miles away from me, so… that whole “never ever doing an LDR” thing kinda flew out the window.

Before we ever even had sex IRL, it became apparent to us – in the many many hours we spent falling in love over the phone – that we couldn’t be one of those long-distance couples who wait until they’re physically together to share any kind of sexual intimacy. There’s nothing wrong with that type of relationship, of course, and if it works for its participants then I wish them well! But this post is for people who aren’t happy with that being their status quo, and who want to explore alternate ways of building a satisfying sex life within a long-distance relationship. Here are some of the things that have worked for me and Matt…

 

Phone sex

This is the first way we ever really had sex, and is still, by far, the most common way we get each other off. Although it’s largely gone out of vogue in favor of sexting and other more “modern” forms of long-distance sex, I still think nothing really beats the phone. Sexting feels too abstracted for me a lot of the time, as if I’m having sex with my iPhone rather than with my partner, whereas Skype sex, Zoom sex, etc. make me too self-conscious about my own appearance to really focus on feeling good. Phone sex strikes a happy medium between the two, allowing for the intimate immediacy of hearing your partner’s thoughts and reactions in real-time, but without the hyper-scrutiny that can arise in video sex.

My top tips for phone sex:

  1. Don’t use the actual phone, if you can help it. Do an audio call on something like FaceTime or Skype (yes, these normally video-centric services allow for audio-only calls). The quality is much better and so your experience will be better too.
  2. Get the right equipment. You don’t want to be fumbling with your handset while you’re trying to, um, “fumble with your handset.” For years I’ve used a pair of standard wired Apple earbuds, which have a microphone built-in, leaving my hands free to do other things.
  3. Talk about what you would do if you were physically together. It’s that simple. Or, if you prefer, you can use your imaginations to craft a roleplay scenario that would only be possible on the phone.

 

Sexting

It’s not my preferred way of having long-distance sex, but many people enjoy it. Personally I find it too hard to juggle typing and touching myself at the same time. Many of the folks I know who are into sexting say that they don’t really masturbate during the sexting, but moreso after it, when they can scroll back through the messages to their heart’s content. I prefer the real-time aspect of phone sex.

However, sexting can be really fun, and may be especially useful as an avenue for communication if you struggle to tell your partner about your sexual desires and preferences. After all, sometimes it’s easier to type “I want you to [x]” into your phone than to say it out loud to your partner’s beautiful face. I suggest reading Tina Horn’s book Sexting if you’re looking for advice on how to sext like a pro.

Sexting can also involve the exchange of sexy photos or videos, both of which can be lovely to receive (consensually, at appropriate times) when you’re missing your partner’s body.

 

Long-distance sex toys

There was a time when virtual sex via high-tech toys – a field of products sometimes known as “teledildonics” – was an exotic, futuristic concept, something technology magazines wrote about with wonderment and awe. These days, though, that type of toy is pretty widely available, so “touching” your partner via Bluetooth is a beloved option for many long-distance couples.

My partner has a long-distance stroker and butt plug, both of which we frequently use not only when we’re apart but also when we’re together, because sometimes my chronic pain is such that it’s easier for me to control sliders on my iPad screen than to actually give sensation with my own two hands.

The folks at Honeysx recommend the Magic Motion brand of remotely-controllable sex toys for long-distance couples. I like their bright, punchy aesthetic and reasonable prices!

 

Video sex

If you or your partner have an exhibitionistic or voyeuristic streak, this is probably something you’d enjoy. Personally, performing in front of a webcam or phone camera feels too much like, well, performing for me, which makes it hard for me to relax into arousal – but I know lots of people feel the polar opposite!

Make sure you use a medium that’s totally secure (someone Zoom-bombing your private moment would be pretty awful). Consider having sex toys on hand to use on yourself, as proxies for your partner’s hands/mouth/genitals/whatever.

 

What’s your preferred method of having long-distance sex?

 

This post was sponsored by Honeysx, a site that has a great selection of long-distance sex toys. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.