Author: Kate Sloan

Camshows in Cramped Apartments: Online Sex Work During the Pandemic

Kate Sloan

Online sex work has become even more of a booming business since the COVID-19 pandemic swept the globe. Some sites, like OnlyFans and www.panamecorte.com, have experienced boosts in new memberships as high as 75%. More people than ever are turning to online sex work to supplement their income – and likewise, more people than ever are stuck at home with no access to partnered sexual experiences outside of their interactions with online sex workers. It’s no wonder this industry has seen a massive uptick.

But it’s important to note, too, that the past few years have been some of the hardest ever for sex workers, including those who work predominantly or exclusively online. Laws like SESTA/FOSTA, signed in by Trump in 2018, have severely limited sex workers’ ability to advertise their wares, recruit and vet clients, and get paid for what they do, among other things. There’s also still huge stigma surrounding sex work, despite its proliferation being such that you probably know at least one person who does it, even if you think you don’t. It may be the “oldest profession” but it’s nowhere near the easiest or most fun.

I’ve never been a full-time sex worker, but I’ve done cam shows, made porn videos, and sold nudes occasionally over the past several years – and I have to say, the pandemic has been an interesting time to be in that biz. I’ve gotten more unusual fetish requests than I ever had before, including some that were so extreme I didn’t feel comfortable fulfilling them. It makes me wonder if some people have been exploring their sexualities more deeply over the past year, since “normal life” is on pause and many of us have more time for self-reflection. (Kudos and congrats to those folks for their discoveries!) I think there’s also an element of touch-starvation here – sometimes when you’ve gone a long time without sexual contact, your fantasies can become more “out-there” to make up for the lack of physical stimulation with some additional mental stimulation.

My clients’ communiqué has been different, too – some of them are unusually polite and sweet, presumably because we’re all living through a difficult time so kindness is paramount, while some have been surprisingly brusque and rude, presumably because the conditions of this pandemic are stressful AF and have also atrophied many of our social skills. You would think people would be nicer to sex workers, given what the folks in that industry have been put through these past few years, but nah…

I’ve also had to be more careful about the ways I take payments than ever before, having been burned by whorephobic payment processors and the puritanical laws that try to keep sex workers off all such platforms. It’s gotten so bad that many times I’ve considered giving up sex work completely, and focusing only on my more “respectable” writing work. If you care about sex workers’ livelihoods (which you should), please reach out to your local lawmakers to make that clear, and to demand that they work to repeal laws like SESTA/FOSTA that make sex work much more dangerous and precarious than it needs to be.

Despite all these roadblocks, I’ve still found comfort and solace in doing online sex work (sparingly) over the past year. When a client pays me to put on a cam show or make a sexy custom video, I have to put some effort into my appearance, something I’ve often let slide during this depressing hell-year despite how good it tends to make me feel. I also have to cultivate sexual energy in myself, because it’ll be super obvious if I’m not turned on at all – so sometimes I’ll take the time to do that by using sex toys in a hot bath, or spritzing on a perfume that makes me feel like a bombshell, or just giving myself a sensual mini-massage before filming. Most of my life over the past year has existed inside a computer or a TV, so my connection to my body feels somewhat weakened – and these little preparations help.

It’s a difficult, interesting, painful, yet uplifting time to be a sex worker. If your favorite sexy service provider helped you get through this past year, I hope you’ve been tipping them accordingly, treating them well, and writing to your congresspeople to express your concerns about how sex workers are being treated in the legal system. Shit’s tough out there, and anyone who brings more pleasure into this world – sexual pleasure included – deserves to be praised and rewarded for that tenacious effort.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Things That Are Basically Porn For Me Now

Kate Sloan

It’s no secret that the coronavirus era has massively changed the way many people relate to their own sexualities. Some people are coming out as gay, bi, or pan; some are realizing they’re further toward the asexual end of the spectrum than they realized; some are trying new sex toys, kinks, or positions; some have forgotten what sexual desire in non-stressful times even feels like.

I find all of this deeply relatable and understandable. My own desire levels have waxed and waned countless times during the past year, but mostly they have waned. I’m still having sex regularly, due to the genius ministrations of my lovely spouse, who has read Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are cover to cover and thus understands how to turn on someone whose sexual brakes are engaged and whose desire is responsive, not spontaneous. But there are also non-sexual things I find nearly as exciting as sex these days, that help me relax and experience simple pleasures in much the same way as sex can.

I abhor those books and articles that joke “porn for women” can be pictures of men doing housework or childcare, as if 1) women have no inherent sexuality and 2) men being functional adults constitutes sexiness all on its own. So that’s not what I’m doing here (and if your domestic partner’s been doing all the dishes or scrubbing all the toilets lately, maybe go do some of that right now). But here are 5 non-sexual things that have consistently given me rushes of near-pornographic pleasure, relaxation, and satisfaction over the past year. They may not be as racy (or as stigmatized) as the most-viewed clips on the top porn sites, but they help me nonetheless.

 

1. Building Sims houses

I had resisted getting into The Sims 4 for ages, despite having adored the original games as a kid/teen, because The Sims 3 didn’t impress me all that much (I thought the open-world-ness of it all was weirdly out of step with the game I’d fallen in love with). But then the pandemic hit, and what was I gonna do, not buy a life simulation game that allows me to travel and socialize and go to work at a time when I couldn’t do any of those things IRL?!

There are a lot of things I love about this latest iteration of the game, most notably that they have better options for your Sims’ gender identity/expression and that there are several super inventive expansion packs, including one called Eco Lifestyle so your Sims can reduce their carbon footprint now (amazing). But the building part of the game is more versatile and fun than ever, so much so that entire communities have sprung up on YouTube, Instagram, etc. focusing on beautiful houses people have built in their games.

I think I find it relaxing and satisfying to build houses in The Sims because it gives me a huge amount of control, at a time when I feel very out of control in the rest of my life. It’s also really neat to watch Sims living their lives in a space I built from the ground up – kind of like how it can be gratifying to build a kink scene for a partner and then usher them through it.

 

2. Loungewear shops

I’ve written about loungewear a lot here over the past year, so I won’t repeat myself too much, but suffice it to say… most days I would rather slither into a crimson modal slip than slide into some Tinder beefcake’s arms (or DMs).

 

3. Flirty fanfiction

Something I learned about myself, in my earliest forays into non-monogamy nearly a decade ago, is that when I’m not allowed to date/kiss/fuck people other than my partner, it’s not the sex I miss most – it’s the flirting.

In fact, many times, I’d rather skip the sex entirely, which I know is not exactly a common stance in the non-monogamy community. But the sex I have with an established partner is so much better than the sex I have with randoms, in part because of my complex web of anxieties, fantasies, kinks, and physical limitations. It’s the flirty banter, the innuendo-laced double-entendres, the rising heat of my own blushing face that I miss most about dating other people.

But since I have neither the energy nor the vaccination status to do that stuff right now, fanfiction is one area where I’m able to live out those flirty fantasies and feel transported into a romantically intriguing life other than my own. Romance novels work great for this too, of course, but sometimes I just don’t have the mental wherewithal to spend time getting to know new characters; I just want to read about characters I already know and love, making each other giggle. Is that so much to ask?

 

4. Comedy, in all its many forms

The three things that got me through this pandemic, above all else: my spouse, my family, and comedy. It’s as simple as that.

mb and I have torn through multiple comedy TV shows this past year; we’ve (re-)watched practically every comedy movie I’ve ever loved (most recently: School of Rock, an absolute masterpiece of poignant goofiness); we’ve laughed our asses off at weekly live improv shows over Zoom (PLEASE subscribe to the Bad Dog Comedy TV channel on YouTube if you’re into this!). My days and weeks have often felt structured around comedy, oriented towards it. Some people are “workin’ for the weekend”; I’m working to get through the day until I can watch Stephen Colbert or Maya Rudolph or Tom Hearn or Catherine O’Hara at night.

mb sometimes semi-jokes that watching comedy together is the best foreplay for me, and I think they’re right on the money with that theory. It helps distract me from the troubles of the day, ease my physical and mental tension, and flood my body with endorphins. It made this year bearable for me, which is no small thing at all.

 

5. Poetry in the bath

Modern poets like Rachel Rabbit White, Shane Koyczan, and Zoe Whittall have inspired me deeply over the course of this pandemic. I’ve devoured their books, and various other poetry tomes, at lightning speed. I’ve even started writing poetry myself, something I hadn’t done with any degree of seriousness in many years, despite it being a favorite hobby in high school (I even won some contests and got published in some anthologies back then). It feels like a way to rediscover beauty in a world currently so stripped of it.

Reading poetry in the bath is particularly hedonistic. I’ll usually load up the tub with some scented bath salts, light a candle, and lay down in the hot water with my waterproof Kindle in hand. I take my time with each poem, trying to absorb its artful words and its layers of meaning. I build a little world for myself in the tub, glittering and beguiling, in a way that everyday life once was and might be again someday. It makes me feel like a normal human again, despite everything that’s going on.

Poetry “frees us from the tyranny of the sentence,” says Rachel Rabbit White; “poetry is play.” We could all use some freedom from tyranny after the year we’ve had. We could all use some play.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Lovense Toys Are Fucking Excellent

Kate Sloan

I wrote off Lovense for the longest time. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s the fact that they’re not carried by any of the online sex shops I work with, or the fact that almost none of my sex toy reviewer pals have written about them, to my knowledge. They’re not mentioned very often in the circles I run in – which is odd, because in the camming world, they’re hugely popular.

In fact, doing the work I do at my dayjob in adult-industry social media, I often have to pop into camgirls’ rooms to collect URLs and relevant personal descriptors while writing tweets to promote them – and I’ve noticed that the word “Lovense” is basically used interchangeably with “remote-controlled vibrator” on some of these platforms. Like the Kleenex of sex toys, Lovense has proven themselves so wildly good at what they do that they are thought of as the category itself, not just a part of that category.

I recently got my hands on some Lovense products because I was working on an article for the Insider about sex toys for long-distance couples (more on that soon). Here’s what all three of the Lovense toys I tried have in common:

  • Once they’re connected to the app on my phone, they stay connected for the entire duration of the session.
  • Controlling them with the Lovense Remote app is easy, fun, and (most importantly) fast. When I change a setting on the screen, it’s reflected immediately in the toy.
  • Their Bluetooth range is astonishing. The toys continued to respond pretty much instantaneously even when I was across the apartment from my phone, or in another room with the door closed.

You would think that these three qualities would be the most important ones in a Bluetooth-compatible sex toy, but actually, my experiences with We-Vibe and Lelo (among other brands) over the years have shown me that even top-tier companies can’t always get this right.

 

Let’s talk about some of the specific toys I tried:

The Lovense Lush 3 ($119) is an insertable vibrator made to stimulate the G-spot. It’s shaped to hit that spot really well, and has a wide variety of vibration intensities and patterns.

I’m not the biggest fan of G-spot vibration – it usually just feels mildly uncomfortable for me, and can only make me come in conjunction with clitoral stimulation, if at all – but the Lush still feels pretty good to me nonetheless. It’s a fun tease when my partner and I are watching porn together on the couch, and I imagine it’d work well for discreet public play once we’re able to go to restaurants and bars again. (The Lush is fairly quiet, but definitely audible in a silent room, so I wouldn’t wear it to, say, a museum.)

The Lush’s external arm, in which its powerful antenna is housed, could theoretically provide clitoral stimulation, depending on your anatomy – but for me, it just isn’t enough unless I’m physically pressing it against my clit. It’s too slim and floppy. If they fixed this issue, it’d work much much better for me and many other people – although at that point they’d basically be making a We-Vibe, which maybe they’d rather not do. In any case, the Lovense Lush 3 is a fantastic insertable vibrator for people who like a lot of G-spot sensation, and it’s the only vibe I’ve tried of its type that hasn’t had major connectivity issues.

The Lovense Max 2 ($99) is a high-tech stroker that incorporates vibration and suction-based “contractions,” both of which can be controlled using the Lovense app. The stroking itself can’t be controlled that way, and has to be done manually, but even without stroking the toy up and down at all, my partner found the other sensations it offers very satisfying. Specifically, they said that this toy feels the most like actual penetrative sex of any stroker they’ve tried (and, being married to a sex toy reviewer, they’ve tried more than their fair share!).

My one major complaint about this toy is that the internal sleeve is open-ended, so cum and lube inevitably get into the outer case, which then has to be cleaned. It’s also very loud, although that is usually par for the course with this type of toy, unfortunately. As a sometimes-voyeur, I don’t love that the exterior is opaque – I’d always prefer a clear view of the action, as with a see-through Fleshlight – but that’s really a small price to pay for the pleasure my partner gets from the Lovense Max 2.

Finally, probably my favorite of the three: The Lovense Edge 2 ($99) is a prostate vibrator that also has an external portion for stimulating the perineum at the same time. You can control each motor separately in the app.

At first my partner found that this toy kept slipping out during use, but then we learned that the toy’s angle is adjustable – so you can bend it to hit your prostate more effectively, and in the process, keep it anchored more securely inside you. I love this feature and wish more sex toys were this versatile, to account for differences in individual anatomy.

Orgasms from prostate stimulation alone are pretty rare for my partner – I think together we’d only previously achieved it via pegging – but this toy gave them one, and it wasn’t even that much work for me! I mostly just kept undulating the prostate vibration up and down in a wave-like pattern, which made them feel like I was fucking them. Their orgasm seemed super intense, and because of the toy’s app functionality, getting them off this way didn’t cause me anywhere near as much pain as thrusting a dildo for the equivalent amount of time would have. We will definitely be using the Lovense Edge 2 lots more in the future!

 

Have any of y’all tried Lovense toys? What did you think?

 

This post was not sponsored – I really do like these toys this much – but the links are affiliate links.

Behind the Seams: Stuck at Home

Kate Sloan

February 5th, 2021

Cozy cashmere sweaters are one of the best things about winter, IMO. (Truth be told, sometimes I wear them in the summer too, because – I suspect – one of the symptoms of my chronic illness is temperature regulation issues.) They make me feel simultaneously cute and warm, which can be a surprisingly hard bar to clear sometimes (I’m lookin’ at you, goosedown puffer coats), so I end up getting at least one or two new ones every year.

mb bought this sweater for me a few months ago as a findom present and I really cannot overstate how bright it is IRL. I also have a pink one and they are both so bright that you could probably vividly see me coming down the street from several blocks away. Perfection.

We have to talk about this bag, though… I went back and forth on it for a few weeks, because its blue/grey/black color scheme is very “grown-up” and “professional,” two words I would not use to describe my typical aesthetic. But it kept calling to me, somehow. Buying handbags still feels like a weird thing to do during the pandemic because of how few opportunities I have to actually use them, but I’m dreaming of a post-COVID era when I’ll be able to fill up this beautiful bag with books, journals, pens, pencils, and lipsticks for solo dates to bars or cafés. It’s roomier than it looks, and has tons of fun little pockets – very Mary Poppins.

 

What I’m wearing:
• Blue cashmere sweater – J. Crew
• Black skater dress – H&M
• Black leggings – the Gap (I wear black leggings almost every single day now and am glad I invested in several pairs toward the start of the pandemic – fuck jeans forever, tbh)
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black/grey/blue colorblock Coach Willis bag
• Navy polka-dotted mask – SartorMasks on Etsy
• Lock & key necklace – chain from Roma Designer Jewelry, lock engraved with “Daddy’s” custom-made by L’Amour-Propre, key from my beloved’s chastity cage

February 14th, 2021

Baby’s first Valentine’s Day during a pandemic, wooo!

We celebrated by getting a very elaborate takeout dinner from BLT Prime, a New York steakhouse. It included steak (of course), brussels sprouts cooked to perfection, truffle mashed potatoes, dessert, and a bottle of excellent champagne.

Then later that night we had sex involving the Bandit and the Eroscillator. If using classic sex toys that work well for your partner’s body on them isn’t romantic, I don’t know what is.

Isn’t mb so cute in this matching Valentiney jacket-and-tie combo? I love when they wear pink. One of my Valentine’s gifts to them was a glittery pink Marc Jacobs lip gloss, and it looks great on them. For someone who works in the tech world, they have a pretty flashy sense of style sometimes. I love being married to someone who inspires me to dress more brightly and flamboyantly!

 

What I’m wearing:
• Pink fit-and-flare dress – H&M
• Agent Provocateur Cupid lingerie set (underneath)
• Pink rhinestoned heart necklace – Tarina Tarantino
• Pat McGrath MatteTrance lipstick in “Elson” (a Valentine’s gift from my love)
• Pretty much nothing else because we didn’t leave the house!

March 3rd, 2021

I saw this sexy asymmetrical dark green velvet faux-wrap dress on the Betsey Johnson website about 2 years ago, and by the time I’d spotted it, they had already sold out of my size (12). I could’ve scouted one out elsewhere, but I figured I already had enough velvet dresses (and truth be told, I do – it’s kind of a problem!) and didn’t need to buy another one.

However, a week or two ago, I happened to spot one on eBay in my size. I had an IOU from mb for a findom gift because of a scene we’d recently done where I’d very generously allowed them to come even though they were supposed to be locked up in chastity (😈) so I asked them to buy me this dress + a bottle of Paradise Edition perfume. (Hey, if I have to live through a pandemic, I’m gonna do it glamorously, dammit.) A perfect date-night combo!

 

What I’m wearing:
• Dark green velvet dress – vintage Betsey Johnson via eBay
• Pink lacy bra underneath – Agent Provocateur (this dress is a bit droopy/drapey in the front, so as much as I prefer to go braless nowadays, I felt this look called for some boob support)
• Black leather Frye harness boots (black heels would’ve been the “proper” choice with this ensemble, but I don’t have any with me since I’m staying in New York, and the boots make the look more powerful tbh!)
• Black leather clutch with gold chain strap – Coach
• The same Pat McGrath red lipstick as above

 

What outfits have you worn lately that’ve made you happy?

P.S. Want more posts like this? Check out the “outfit” tag!

Building a Chronic Illness Wardrobe

Kate Sloan

Weirdly, one of the saddest parts of my slow descent into chronic pain hell is being unable to dress the way I used to. 💔

Even setting aside the issue of how my body shape/size has changed since becoming less mobile (because I ain’t about that fat-shaming life), there are some types of clothes I just can’t wear anymore, or at least not very often. My beloved rockabilly dresses have nipped waists that dig into me uncomfortably; luxury lingerie stabs me with its underwires and lace; even jeans often feel painfully restrictive. I was never much of a high heels person, but now even sturdy heeled boots sometimes hurt me. It suuuuucks.

However, slowly but surely, I’ve been re-learning how to dress myself in what feels like a completely different body than I had in my teens or early twenties. Here are some of my top picks; maybe they’ll help you if you also have chronic pain/illness, or even if you just like comfy clothes!

 

Leggings and lounge pants have become foundational to my style. I used to wear tights under dresses most days, but over the years I’ve slowly transitioned to wearing leggings under my dresses instead, because they’re comfier, more durable, easier to put on in a hurry, and can double as pants for sleeping in or lounging around the house. (Or wearing out, frankly. The “leggings are not pants” brigade can fuck right the hell off.)

These TrueSleep modal joggers by the Gap are some of my faves right now; I have a few different pairs. Modal is one of the comfiest materials for my particular body. It’s stretchy, non-scratchy, and feels light as air against my skin. These pants have pockets – always a plus – and they have a slim enough cut that they can pass for leggings if I throw a dress over them before leaving the house. They’re marginally see-through because the fabric is so thin, which is admittedly a drawback, but I barely wear them out of my apartment so it doesn’t really matter. I also love my Ureshii leisure pants, which were made-to-measure and are soooo comfy and soft.

 

Cute tops help me feel like a human even when my body isn’t cooperating. I’ve recently sought out soft lace-edged tank tops as a replacement for the oversized T-shirts I tend to rock with my lounge pants, because any little thing I can do to feel more femme is helpful when I’m achy and insecure.

Looking in the sleepwear section of any clothing store is always a good bet for pain-friendly clothes, because those garments tend to be specifically engineered for comfort and mobility. I always keep an eye out for “sleepwear” items that don’t look like pajamas; they are truly the holy grail.

 

Modal slips are a lifesaver for me. My first one was a black satin-edged Calvin Klein one that I bought a decade ago, and it’s held up so well and gotten me through so many pained days that I recently ordered a couple more: a short one in black and a longer one in a rosy red. These are way more glamorous than sweatpants but just as comfy (if not moreso), and can even be worn out of the house if layered appropriately with leggings and a cardigan or somesuch.

I’m curious about silk slips – they seem like a summertime equivalent of my modal ones, and are ultra-glam – but the one I want most isn’t available in my size, so I’ll keep looking, I guess! I also dream of someday ordering a bespoke Ureshii jersey dress; their cuts are gorgeously flattering but they’re made of super-soft fabric.

 

Bralettes are a must-have for times when I want some boob support but am in too much pain for a proper bra. Truth be told, I don’t wear bras or bralettes all that often, because I’ve basically stopped caring about my nipples being visible or whatever, but sometimes I want to feel a little fancy so I’ll put one on.

Some of the comfiest ones I’ve found are by Aerie. I usually avoid lace because I can’t handle the itchiness against my skin; soft fabrics are where it’s at. If I ever want to go the whole nine yards, I could order some made-to-measure jersey bralettes from Ureshii (drooool).

 

Cashmere sweaters are super comforting and cozy. They especially help me when cold weather is causing pain flare-ups; one day I’d love to own a pair of cashmere leggings for similar reasons (feel free to recommend some in the comments!). My favorites right now are by J. Crew but it’s pretty easy to find vintage cashmere for a steal on eBay, Etsy, Depop, etc.

Cashmere also layers really nicely with materials like modal and silk. The extreme softness of it makes me feel swaddled in safety. Truly ideal.

 

Ugg boots are a controversial pick, but whatever. They’re incredibly comfy, even when I’m having one of those weird pain days where just walking around hurts my feet and legs. I often even wear mine around the house.

The ones I have are adorned in sequins, but I’d eventually like to get a classic black pair because they’re subdued enough that they don’t scream “Paris Hilton in 2003.” (Not that there’s anything wrong with Paris Hilton… but she and I have different aesthetics!)

 

Jumpsuits and rompers are best for those days when I just can’t be bothered with separates. My favorites are by MeUndies, whose rompers are so sinfully soft that they’re even comfier than being naked (for my body, anyway). And they have pockets. Incredible.

The Gap makes a Softspun V-neck jumpsuit and a modal romper that both intrigue me. In summer I could wear these out of the house and probably no one would bat an eye. Cool!

 

Fellow folks with chronic illness/pain, what changes or additions have you made to your wardrobe to accommodate your condition?