I Stuck a Shoe in My Ass So You Don’t Have To (Unless You Really, Really Want To)

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When you’re known as a femme sex blogger, people constantly send you links to sexy femme things. Rhinestoned vibrators. Penis-shaped lipsticks. And – most intriguingly to me – leather pumps whose heels are butt plugs.

I’ve been mutual Twitter followers with the proprietor of Ainsley-T for a while, and earlier this year, they offered me a pair to review. My approach to sex toy reviewing lately is based more on what I think’ll be weird than what I think’ll be good, so of course, I said yes immediately. Not too long thereafter, a package arrived in the mail for me containing what is now, no doubt, the oddest pair of shoes I own. (And I say that as someone who owns heels with cartoon duelling snakes hand-painted on them.)

My Ainsley-T Plug Pumps are black, sexy, and powerful. The heel itself is glossy, while the shoe’s upper is a more matte calfskin. I requested a European size 39 for my U.S.-size-8 feet, and they fit well: not so loose as to slide off when I walk, and not so tight as to pinch.

Despite my other femme proclivities, I am not a “heels person.” Wearing heels for any length of time annoys the shit out of me. I can hobble around in my Sofft T-straps or padded Naturalizer pumps for a few hours if need be, but I’d rather not; stick me in some harness boots or leather flats and I’m a happy, comfy, ambulatory little princess. So I wasn’t expecting to like the Plug Pumps as actual shoes, and I don’t. The heels are perplexingly, fetishistically high – 5.9 inches, with a 1.8-inch platform – and walking on them makes me feel like I’m teetering on some very kinky stilts. I’m also not particularly a fan of the severe square toe – give me almond-toe or give me death!! – but I can see how others would be into that aesthetic.

So, since wearing these shoes on my feet isn’t an appealing option, obviously I shoved one in my ass.

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Let me be clear. I did not shove the whole shoe in my ass. That would be quite a feat (heyooo, see what I did there?!). But even taking the heel of this pump proved to be quite a challenge. Luckily, I’m a sex toy reviewer – I’m used to sticking strange things in my holes.

I started my testing session with the Plug Pumps by watching a porn scene in which a deliciously femmed-up Tina Horn dominates a pathetically trussed-up Danny Wylde. I chose this because I happened to have it stored on my phone and was feeling lazy, but it proved to be an ideal choice: Tina towers over Danny in high heels throughout the scene, allowing me to fantasize about mean, toppy femmes as I proceeded with my masturbatory adventure.

I began by trying the heel in my vagina. With no added lube or protection of any kind, I slid it in. You probably shouldn’t try this at home, kids. The Ainsley-T site specifically says, “We recommend the use of a condom if the footwear is to be used for anal or vaginal play,” because the heels are made of a lacquered ABS that’s presumably not as orifice-safe as, say, silicone or steel. My contact at Ainsley-T told me the finish isn’t porous, but that he wanted people to be able to use the shoe “without requiring excessive bravery.” So, wrap that shit up, friends.

The heel didn’t feel like much in my vag. I wouldn’t expect it to; it has a diameter of just 1.4″ and my vagina is on some next-level shit. But it was a good warm-up while I got myself turned on with porn and a vibe, and it gave me more confidence in my ability to stick the heel in my ass next.

I lubed the heel and went to slide it into my butt… which was more difficult than anticipated. You don’t fully appreciate ergonomic butt plugs until you’ve tried to insert a plug that has a fucking shoe attached to it. Each time I inserted or re-inserted it, it took me several tries to get the angle right – and once the heel did find its way inside me, holding and thrusting it by the vamp was awkward-bordering-on-impossible. Plus, the toe and platform rest right over my clit when the plug’s all the way inside me, making added clit stimulation difficult. Eventually I flipped the shoe around so the toe was closer to my tailbone than my clit – that gave me more room for vibes or fingers, and the shoe was easier to maneuver that way.

Now, keep in mind, this shoe wasn’t designed for masturbation. I get the feeling the target audience is dominant femmey types who want to fuck their subs’ asses and/or engage in general shoe worship, at least judging by the promotional images on the product page. But I told the Ainsley-T dude I’d review his shoes the same way I’d review any sex toy, so that’s what I’m doin’.

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My usual lying-flat-on-my-back position doesn’t work great for butt stuff, and even with my Jaz under my hips, the shoe was too awkwardly large to use the plug that way. For a while, I sat perched on the edge of my desk chair, knees bent high for better butt access, but that grew uncomfortable too. So I settled onto all fours, the shoe’s sole resting on my lower back while its heel was buried in my ass.

Grinding my clit against my Magic Wand in this position, everything actually started to feel pretty good. I made little mewls of pleasure while fantasizing about Tina Horn shoe-fucking me (or… shoe-Horn-ing me, if you will). The heel’s moderate diameter felt just right, and the narrower shaft below the plug’s swollen middle gave my butt muscles something pleasant to clench around. I began to think I might actually have an orgasm.

But then… the heel slid out of my ass. I squealed “Noooo!” and grabbed it up again, re-lubed, and re-inserted. This kept happening, though. I don’t know if a wider diameter would help or hinder this problem. In any case, like I said before, most people using this product will have another person’s foot/leg/body holding the shoe where it’s supposed to be, so I can’t fault the heel for repeatedly falling out of me.

I eventually MacGyvered a system where my face and arms were braced against my Liberator Wedge while the sole of the shoe was settled flat against my Jaz. This worked brilliantly for me, but, y’know, that’s a lot of expensive positioning equipment and you could probably replicate the effect with a plethora of firm pillows. With the shoe securely pressed against my Jaz, I was able to wriggle and gyrate against it while I buzzed my clit with the Magic Wand, and that gave me the sensation of actually being fucked. (It helped that the only time I’ve actually been fucked in the ass, I was in the same position, using the same vibe. Hellooo, fantasies about handsome gentleman fuckpal.)

Some minutes later, I had an orgasm, and it was loud and weird and good. But my hips tilted forward to make firmer contact with the Hitachi, and this allowed my pelvic muscle contractions to eject the heel from my ass at top speed. It was as if the shoe was crying, “Finally! I can go back to just being a shoe!”

As I lay there in a sweaty heap on top of my Liberators, a lube-drizzled pump beneath me and a vibrator tucked in the crook of my arm, I reflected on what a weird life sex toy reviewers lead. In no other line of work would anyone be expected to stick a piece of footwear in their butthole and then write about it in salient detail. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Thank you so much to Ainsley-T for sending me these gorgeous shoes, and for having a terrific sense of humor about me wanting to review them as a sex toy. It’s companies like this one that make toy reviewing such a fun endeavor, I tells ya.

12 Days of Girly Juice: 12 Femme Essentials

12 Days of Girly Juice is a year-end celebration of all things girly, sexy, pleasurable and fun. Y’all know the kind of stuff I write about: sex, relationships, beauty, fashion, self-improvement. That’s the stuff I’ll be highlighting on this here blog, in big juicy year-end lists, for all of December. Today, we begin with femme goodness. Enjoy!

 

I have the type of personality where I get obsessed with things for short periods of time and then move on. That’s especially true when it comes to objects designed to be used up, upgraded and replaced, like beauty and fashion items. (Oh, dat consumerist escalator. It never stops!!)

That said, there are some femme obsessions that endured through most or all of my 2015. Here are some of them…

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Lip Products

If I ever stop thinking Bite lipstick in “Violet” is the most beautiful hot pink I’ve ever seen, you have my permission to check my pulse to make sure I’m not dead. Because I have a feeling I’ll be in love with this babe for a very long time.

Creamy, pigmented, and long-lasting, its formula is so gloriously on-point that I can throw it on and not worry about it for the rest of the night. And the shade – somewhere between fuchsia, purple, and Jem-and-the-Holograms neon pink – lights up my whole face and just makes me feel like me.

Another favorite lip hue this year was NARS Audacious lipstick in “Charlotte.” I stalked it on swatch sites, ogled it at Sephora, mercilessly Googled it, trawled its Instagram tag. I was a girl possessed. When I finally got my hands on it, it wasn’t quite all I had hoped – it gets crumbly and patchy if I dare to drink a coffee while wearing it, let alone eat an actual meal – but that color. Oh, that color. It is the sexy cranberry of my most glamorous Christmasy dreams. I dutifully reapply as needed, even if that’s 3 or 4 times a night, because it makes me feel like a starlet in a climactic, snowy love-confession scene.

My lipstick list would not be complete without MAC’s “Fashion Revival.” It came out in MAC’s limited-edition Matte Lip collection and I SNAPPED THAT SHIT UP because it is the most, most, most perfect fall/winter color. Described as a “deep raspberry,” it’s somehow a pink with all the drama and glamor of a great red. Fuck. Yes.

While TokyoMilk Salted Caramel Lip Elixir doesn’t lend any color to my lips, I had to include it in this list because it’s been my go-to “gonna-get-kissed-tonight” product since I got it. It’s thick and moisturizing without being sticky or gross, and of course, it tastes like caramel. I’ve known a lot of boys who refuse to kiss lipsticked ladies, but it’s hard to turn down kisses from someone who tastes this good.

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Other Makeup

Laura Mercier translucent loose setting powder was a recommendation from Jaclyn Hill and I’m sure glad I listened to her. I dust this on top of my foundation with a brush, or pat it on with a makeup sponge, and it keeps my face oil-free for… well, until I next wash my face, whenever that might be. As someone whose T-zone would ordinarily make a fantastic Slip ‘n’ Slide for tiny people, I have to say this is pretty damn impressive.

MAC Liquidlast eyeliner is the real deal. Cry, walk through a rainstorm, sweat, rub your eyes, get fucked with your face buried in a pillow, and the rest of your makeup may smear but your eyeliner will still look fresh as hell. It’s gloopy and hard to apply and the brush is weird, but it’s still the only eyeliner I’ll wear if I think I might be crying, sweating, and/or having sex. Which, let’s face it, is most days.

I used to be terrified of blush, because I blush a lot as is. Tarte Amazonian Clay blush in “Natural Beauty” converted me, though. It’s super pigmented and easy to blend, and the color really does look natural. It also straddles the line between pink and red, so I can pair it with just about any lipstick. Perrrrrf.

I would be remiss to leave Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade off this list. It’s such a daily staple for me, such a given and a must-have and a “duh!” part of my beauty routine, that I almost forgot it. But it is vital to my look. My eyebrows are like Samson’s hair: without ’em, I’m nothing. Thanks, Dipbrow, for another year of power brows.

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Clothing

I’m cheating a little by lumping all my polka-dot dresses into one item on this list. OH WELL. When I look back at what clothing made me feel reeeeal femme ‘n’ fabulous in 2015, these dresses take the cake. I bought blue and black ones at Loveless Boutique, a goldmine of rockabilly gorgeousness I serendipitously discovered next door to my hairdresser’s salon one day. The green one was a thrift-store score, and makes me feel like a Scooby Doo character. Too lovely!

I’ve been obsessed with thigh-high socks for a long time, but this was the year when I started wearing them on a regular basis. Whether rainbow-striped or sporty, from American Apparel or Sock Dreams or anywhere else, I just love them. And as a bonus: in my experience, wearing thigh-highs gets you a lot of sexual attention…!

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Jewelry

If you’ve seen me in person at a sex-related event in the past few months, I’ve probably forced you to look at my vulva ring. It’s a custom job from Catstache Accessories and I’m obsessed with it. There is nothing quite like the reaction I get from people when they realize it’s a vulva… and then when I tell them it’s my vulva, specifically.

My other fave accoutrement this year was my eyeball necklace. I spotted the pendant in a display case at the Lincoln City glass studio where we made our own glass dildos, and it was so strange that I just had to have it. I threaded it onto some white suede string and now it often holds a place of honor between my breasts, staring creepily back at anyone who dares to ogle me.

 

What were your favorite beauty-and-fashion items in 2015, my loves?

Dildoface: Leoweenie

Happy Halloween, cuties! It’s time for another Dildoface video, wherein I do makeup inspired by a vibrant, beautiful sex toy. This time around, my face is an ode to none other than the only Halloween-themed dildo in my collection: the limited-edition “Batcock” version of the Vixen Creations Leo!

I hope you enjoy this goth-y smoky eye and bright orange lip, and that you consider rocking it at a Halloween event or two…

 

Products used: Too Faced Shadow InsuranceMAC eyeshadow in “Soft Brown” • various Morphe eyeshadows • Maybelline gel eyelinerSmashbox pore-minimizing primerCoverGirl 3-in-1 foundationMAC Pro Longwear concealerMake Up For Ever HD Microfinish powderNYX blush in “Taupe”ELF baked highlighter in “Moonlight Pearls” • Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade in “Dark Brown” • Clinique eyeshadow in “Sugar Sugar” (discontinued long ago!) • Colourpop lip pencil in “Rocket” • Maybelline Color Sensational Vivids lipstick in “Electric Orange”

You can buy the Vixen Leo at SheVibe! It’s pretty wonderful; read my review here.

 

What are you wearing on your face (and on the rest of you) for Halloween this year?!

Dildoface: Fuze Wilde

Dildoface – Fuze Wilde from Girly Juice on Vimeo.

I love how purple eye makeup looks on me. It brings out the greenish tones in my hazel eyes, and it’s colorful and fun without seeming over-the-top.

So, obviously, when I launched this Dildoface beauty tutorial feature, the Fuze Wilde was one of the first toys I wanted to immortalize in makeup form.

This purply-blue smoky eye was fun to create, and allowed me to practice my blending skills (so much blending!!). I’m looking forward to doing this eye again for some future fancy night out!

As always, you can use whatever products you already have that are close enough to what I’m using, but here is the list of products I used in this video: Too Faced Shadow Insurance eyelid primer • Makeup Geek eyeshadow in “Wisteria” • custom palette from Morphe Cosmetics • Wet ‘n’ Wild Petal Pusher paletteELF mineral-infused face primerCovergirl 3-in-1 foundationMAC Pro Longwear concealerRimmel Stay Matte powderNYX blush in “Taupe”MAC Sheertone blush in “Blushbaby”Kat Von D Autograph pencil liner in “Homie” • Essence eyeliner pencil in black • Anastasia Dipbrow in “Dark Brown” • Covergirl Clump Crusher mascaraMAC lipstick in “Faux”

Thank you to Fuze for the beautiful Wilde! It also comes in black if that’s more up your alley.

Fancy Shoes For Femmes & Fetishists

When my amigos at Sex Toys Canada told me they were starting a shoe site, I got reeeeal excited. Because, as a femme, I love ridiculous shoes. I may not wear them very often (in fact, hardly ever), but when an occasion arises that requires an out-of-control, over-the-top pair of shoes, you just gotta have ’em.

I combed through Shoe Freaks ogling pumps and boots (my life is so hard, am I right?!) and picked a few of my favorites to highlight for you. Now let’s all revel in fancy femme footwear for a while…

I didn’t fully recognize Minnie Mouse as a femme icon until my 3-year-old cousin became obsessed with her and started rocking her merch 24/7. And yeah, girl is a hella cute mouse. These Funtasma flats are a subtle homage to Minnie and would pair beautifully with an all-black ensemble or a little red dress. (And they’re only $19! Score.)

These Bordello Teeze boots are fantastic. If I am ever fortunate enough to be invited to a Goldmember-themed party, I will seriously consider making these a part of my costume. They would look bangin’ with some white booty shorts and maybe a gold sequinned halter top. And they have stretchy tops and a side-zip closure, so even chubby-thigh’ed folks comme moi could probably squeeze into them.

I have desperately wanted marabou slippers ever since seeing Renée Zellweger prance around in them in a dance sequence in Down With Love. They are pretty much the most glamorous thing you can put on your feet, especially for loungin’. This Fabulicious pair has a manageably low heel and a cushioned inside, so you could potentially bum around in them at home all day without traumatizing your feet for the sake of beauty.

These Demonia sandals are like what Dana Scully from The X Files would wear if she was dressing as a Spice Girl for Halloween. ’90s vibes out the wazoo. And I love that ankle strap, because it means this shoe would actually stay on your foot while you were out chasing aliens or dancing to “Wannabe” or whatever else Scully Spice does in her spare time.

 

A pal of mine is getting married soon, and I’m one of her bridesmaids. I think these bridal pumps would be right up her alley. They’re girly and fun but still sophisticated, and the side cut-outs are classically sexy. I also love the idea of your wedding shoes being your “something blue”; if that’s your jam, Pinup Couture makes some blue glitter pumps that kiiiinda give me heart palpitations. (Maybe I can convince my friend that these need to be our bridesmaid kicks…)

If Dorothy Gale grew up to be a drag queen and/or a stripper, she would absolutely wear these Pleaser sandals. And they would look fucking fierce on her. There’s no place like home, baby!

What shoes do you put on when you want to feel like you own the goddamn universe?