Beauty & Fashion

In Defense of Wearing Socks During Sex

Kate Sloan

Recently, I asked my partner to write mini reviews of some lewd self-portraits I shot in Agent Provocateur lingerie (yep, I’m needy as fuck) and, in one of the shots, it became evident that I had teamed this very expensive, sexy ensemble with a pair of blue calf-high socks. Rather than do what most people would do and either wish they weren’t there or not even notice them, my partner noted that the socks “show me that you want to come, and they’re the only thing that will be left on you once I get my hands on you.” I giggled, blushed, and nodded. Exactly.

If you’d be mystified receiving a sext like that, let me explain. A study done in 2003 in the Netherlands, on the neural processes that contribute to orgasm, found (among numerous other things) that wearing socks increased female participants’ rate of orgasm from 50% to 80%. Innnteresting.

This makes sense to me, given what I’ve learned from sex researcher Emily Nagoski about how women can be more sensitive than men to the presence of “sexual brakes,” i.e. factors that inhibit sexual arousal both physically and psychologically. (For the record, I’m not really sure how this information relates to trans women or nonbinary people, or whether gender-non-conforming people were included in any of the relevant studies, although my past experiences reading sex research lead me to believe they probably weren’t sampled significantly or at all.) Having cold feet in the literal sense could give women cold feet in the metaphorical sense about having sex, because in some cases it’s a distraction significant enough that it prevents or slows down the arousal process – at least, for me, and seemingly for other women as well. This is likely compounded by the fact that women’s extremities, on average, run colder than men’s. (Again, I assume the research here refers only to cis people, but would be pleasantly surprised if that was not the case.)

In the many years since I first read about the socks study, I’ve cited it to multiple sexual partners when asked why I tend to keep my socks on during sex, or (in the cases of a few foot fetishists) when lustily asked to remove my socks. It’s interesting how just explaining “My feet get cold,” like I used to do before I knew about the science, was typically met with more resistance than the more recent and more airtight “Studies show wearing socks during sex helps with having orgasms.” It’s almost as if… people trust male scientists more than they trust women about women’s own bodies?! Gee, who’da thunk.

I should note here that many people have a legitimate aesthetic issue with the whole idea of socks during sex. Either they think it looks silly and weird (which is their prerogative – I know even ultra-busty pouty-lipped sex dolls would look kinda odd wearing woollen hiking socks and nothing else) or they’re turned on by feet and/or full nudity. When I fuck someone who feels this way, my partners’ orgasms may be inhibited almost as much by me wearing socks as mine would be by me not wearing socks – so I’m sometimes willing to bend my policy and work a little harder for my orgasms, knowing I can wriggle back into my nice warm socks when we’re done. I do, after all, want my partners to enjoy having sex with me!

But luckily for me, I’ve had about as many paramours who loved socks as ones who wanted to ban them from our bedroom. This, I think, can be attributed mostly to my interest in DD/lg – there are a lot of visual tropes within that fetish, and knee-high and thigh-high socks are high on the list for many kinksters. I still remember the time I settled into bed for a nice long phone-sex sesh with a daddy dom years ago: he asked me what I was wearing, I told him “a T-shirt, underwear, and some knee-high socks,” and he moaned/growled/grunted with such ferocity that I knew I had made the right choice even though he couldn’t even see my outfit.

Sometimes when I talk to other women about wearing socks during sex – and, yeah, my life is sufficiently weird that this topic does come up in conversation with friends sometimes – they seem slightly mystified by my decision to put my comfort first in a sexual scenario. I think this is sadly emblematic of our sexual culture. Mainstream porn, for example – while I adore much of it and think it is necessary and important – is full of messaging which suggests that hot sex and comfortable sex are basically mutually exclusive, especially for women (can you IMAGINE doing reverse cowgirl, while standing, for 20+ minutes straight?! I simply cannot). And indeed, there are some sex acts I enjoy greatly which could not be considered “comfortable” by any stretch of the imagination (getting paddled and getting throat-fucked come to mind), so it’s not like discomfort is incompatible with arousal for me. But for some reason, socks are one place where I draw a line. I’m rarely up for being uncomfortable in this particular way even though I’ll happily be uncomfortable in various other ways during sex from time to time.

I will say, too, that this has sometimes been a litmus test of sorts for how a new partner reacts to boundary-setting or mid-bang communication. Are they really so committed to their porn-borne sexual scripts that they’re going to insist on full nudity at the expense of my comfort? Are they really going to argue with me about this perfectly reasonable boundary I have set for my own body? Or are they going to say “Huh,” shrug it off, and move on like nothing is wrong (because nothing is)?

Despite being a foot fetishist, my current partner is so devoted to and interested in my pleasure and my orgasm that they’ll often encourage me to keep my socks on during sex. And this makes it all the more delicious for both of us when – after giving me a partly socks-enabled orgasm or two – they crawl down my body, rest their hand gently on my ankle, and ask so so sweetly, “May I take these off and look at your feet?”

Respecting sexual partners’ boundaries is so, so important, even if those boundaries don’t totally make sense to you. Every time a partner respects one of my boundaries without question, it becomes easier and more fun for me later on to bend my more flexible boundaries in the name of pleasure. Heeding my “no” now is likely to get you a “yes” later, for something else. I’m glad science exists to back me up when I set this particular boundary, but the truth is, I shouldn’t need a scientific citation to state what I want and have that be respected.

So when my partner compliments the socks I’m wearing in nudes ‘n’ lewds, I know it’s more than just a compliment. It’s an affirmation that my choices are valid, my boundaries are important, and I am beautiful regardless of which clothes I do, or don’t, remove.

Loungewear in the Time of Coronavirus: A Wishlist

Kate Sloan
Silk nightgowns are the ultimate in loungewear glamour, IMO.

For those of us privileged enough to still be able to stay home while the global pandemic rages on outside, loungewear has become an important consideration. This category of clothing that otherwise may have been reserved for weekends and evenings is now creeping into the everyday, as we seek comfort both physically and emotionally.

Clothing retailers are reporting record sales in this category since COVID kicked in, which makes sense. I, too, have been expanding my collection of comfy clothes – but as any fashion-conscious materialist will tell you, there’s always more to want! Here are some lounge-appropriate items I’ve been lusting after lately…

Gap Dreamwell Tiered Dress in “Off-White Geo Dot”

Have you checked out the Gap’s “Dreamwell” collection recently? It’s full of sleepwear essentials in comfy fabrics and fun prints. It’s also the perfect name for such a section; if a friend asked me during a Skype chat what I was wearing, it’d feel so much more glamorous to say “It’s Dreamwell, darling” than to simply call it pajamas or a nightgown!

This froofy little number reminds me of this recent article by Rachel Syme about the “Nap Dress,” a creation by Hill House. However, the actual Nap Dresses are frankly way more expensive and way more matronly than I’d prefer, so I like this Gap nightgown better. It looks like the sort of thing you could roll around in on insomniac nights if need be, and that wouldn’t cause you to wake up sweaty after a humid summer night.

There’s also just something so iconic about a white dress. I imagine I would wear this out of the house at some point – I’m big on reappropriating sleepwear as streetwear if at all appropriate – and I doubt I could resist standing on a subway grate to have a bit of a Marilyn moment.

Playboy x MissGuided Pink Bunny Oversized T-Shirt Dress

I have a secret habit of scrolling through eBay and Etsy late at night, looking at vintage Playboy merch from decades past. They’ve made some truly wild things: I’ve found Playboy-branded martini glasses, pink leather jackets, even a cake pan.

There was a time when I looked down my nose at this brand – they’re not exactly known as a paragon of female empowerment, to say the least. But their mission seems to have changed a lot over the years; as of this writing, there was a Black Lives Matter section on their homepage, along with articles about erotic knife play, the racism of drug laws, and how BDSM interacts with mental health. Increasingly, I feel like rocking their logo on my person – while definitely capitalistic and materialistic – would be more of a progressive statement than a regressive one.

All of that said, I need to draw your attention to MissGuided’s collaboration collection with Playboy. It’s full of athleisure gems that would look just as good on the street as they would in your bed. This loose T-shirt particularly caught my eye because of the cute hue and the soft jersey fabric. Imagine waking up beside your lover in this – you’d feel as foxy as a centerfold!

Re Ona Scoop Long-Sleeve Bodysuit in Black

Re Ona is a Black-owned business (thanks to the Zoe Report for introducing me to them!) that focuses on simple basics. Most of their pieces are available in just 2-3 colors and are all about clean lines and classic shapes.

This bodysuit is made of a double-layered viscose/spandex blend that would make it heavenly for lounging around in (so long as you can put up with the thong back, which I know some people aren’t into). But it’s also designed so that you can wear it under jeans, shorts, or a skirt, without needing to worry about panty lines or the kind of riding-up that happens when you wear a T-shirt this way.

With its deep scoop-neck and PANTY SNAP CLOSURE (!!), this bodysuit is almost impossibly sexy, and also very easy to get in and out of when you need to pee (normally an urgent struggle in any bodysuit/romper/onesie). This is the kind of infinitely useful basic piece you could wear 100 times and still have more ideas about how and where to wear it.

Yoga Jeans Rachel Skinny Jeans in “Red Lip”

Okay, normally I would not consider jeans to be loungewear – days when I’m wearing jeans are days when I strip naked IMMEDIATELY upon arriving home. Begone, leg prisons!!

However, having owned a pair of Yoga Jeans for years (mine are these same ones in the color “Orchidée“), I can attest that they are shockingly comfortable and stretchy. This company – which, by the way, makes all its jeans right here in Canada in an eco-friendly and sustainable way – is called Yoga Jeans because you supposedly can do yoga while wearing their pants, due to their fabric which is specially designed for “4-way stretch.” Pretty neat!

I’m including these mostly because I know it sometimes doesn’t feel great to wear loungewear day after day when you’d rather dress up a little – but at the same time, you don’t always have the energy to put a whole fancy outfit together. For some people (like me), the ideal solution to this problem is fancy nightgowns or silk robes – but for some people, maybe a garment that looks like jeans but feels like yoga pants is the better pick! (These are also available in basic navy denim and honestly, I am tempted.)

Calvin Klein Sophisticated Lounge Sleep Pants in Black

Calvin Klein made one of my favorite nightgowns ever, which I’ve worn many many times both as sleepwear and as a base layer for various outdoors-appropriate outfits, so I trust this brand for my loungin’ needs.

I wouldn’t blame you if you looked at this image and at first assumed the model was wearing a full-length black dress – but no, that’s actually two separate pieces, one of which is this WILDLY wide-legged pair of pants. They describe it as “an updated Calvin Klein ’90s silhouette” but I think this shape actually would’ve looked delightfully out-there in almost any decade.

Made of modal – which is, IMO, the best material for any clothes you’re gonna lounge in, bar none – I suspect these would make you feel like a Greek god(dess) swishing around on a sunny day. It’s great to feel runway-level fashion-forward while you’re just lying in bed drinking coffee and reading a book!

 

Are you rocking lots of loungewear/sleepwear lately? Any favorite pieces you want to gush about in the comments?

 

A note for full disclosure: None of the links in this post are affiliate links, because most clothing retailers wouldn’t dream of accepting a sex blogger into their program – so if you want to support me as a writer (which I always appreciate very very much), you’ll have to pick a different avenue!

Handbags in the Age of Coronavirus

Kate Sloan

Ever since the pandemic news got bad, I’ve lost almost all of my usual verve for fashion and beauty. Where once I would spend hours per month trawling the websites of beloved clothing and accessories makers, now I can barely bring myself to window-shop for new socks online even though mine are riddled with holes. I trudge through most days in stretched-out T-shirts and comfy lounge pants, my hair pulled back in a cursory nub of a bun, lipstickless and lethargic.

Part of the reason for all this is the obvious: no one is seeing my outfits (no one except my partner, my roommate, and her two cats, that is), so I feel less motivated to put them together. There is no one to infer things about me from what I have on, and in losing the motivation to perform my selfhood in this way, I’m also losing some of that selfhood itself.

Another component of my sartorial disinterest is due to plain ol’ depression and grief. What we’re going through right now, as a species, is traumatic on scales we have yet to fully comprehend. I know from past experience that immense, bone-deep sadness causes my materialistic impulses to either ramp up significantly as a distraction tactic, or to drop off completely in a blaze of nihilism. Lately I’m oscillating between both extremes, but mostly landing on the latter.

However, there is still one category of fashion item that tugs at my femme heartstrings and makes my world feel a little brighter, and that’s handbags. Purses. Satchels. Totes. I ogle the Kate Spade and Coach websites in spare moments. I comb through eBay listings with keen-yet-weary eyes. I take great pleasure in ogling my extant handbag collection – though I rarely touch any of them these days.

That’s the root cause of this, I have to imagine: the lack of need for a bag at this time in history. I can throw on cute outfits galore in the confines of my apartment, and even clomp around in heels I’d never or rarely wear out into the world, but carrying a bag in those instances feels totally unnecessary and impractical. What, am I gonna tuck a petite clutch under my arm for the journey from the bedroom to the kitchen? Slide a crossbody strap over one shoulder for a jaunt to the garbage chute down the hall? I think not.

Even when I go out, I don’t have much use for bags now. More often than not, I’m just going on a quick errand or a meandering walk. I’ll cram my phone into the back pocket of my jeans (I rarely have the emotional energy for skirts and dresses these days), slip my keys into the front one, and maybe bring along a credit card or some cash if I plan on wandering to the shops. With a fabric mask on, I find it’s hard to do anything detail-oriented that lies below my sightline, so rummaging through a bag like I might normally do is impractical and sometimes even painful. (Anyone else find themselves constantly getting poked in the eye by their masks, through some strange contortion of facial muscles and eyeballs?!)

The increasing pointlessness of handbags, the frivolity and complexity of lifestyle that they hearken back to and that contrasts so sharply with my current involuntarily pared-down life, somehow makes them more appealing to me rather than less. They’re a useless luxury object at the moment, sure. But they’re also a window into my future, a future of normalcy regained, a future of getting dressed up and having somewhere to go.

The ritual of packing my pretty purse before an outing is often ceremonious and always important. Solo dates, especially, require preparation in this arena: I’ll fill a piece of lovely leather with my journal and pen so I can reflect on my feelings in a café window, or a loaded-up Kindle so I can spend time with beloved fictional characters at a cocktail bar, or a pair of glasses so I can see a theatrical cast’s every facial expression from the nosebleed seats. I’ll check to make sure I have my ID incase of booze, and my earbuds incase of boredom. I’ll throw in some gum or mints if there’s romance on the horizon. I’ll check the contents of my wallet to see how much merriment I can afford to make. It’s a femme ritual that feels like writing the blueprint of my outing before it even begins. The contents of my bag guide me on my journeys; the bag itself may as well be cute.

I haven’t actually purchased any new bags during this time period, for reasons you can probably guess: it feels unnecessary, I’m trying to keep an eye on my finances, and there are so many better ways I could and should direct my cash during this crisis. But I doubt I’ll stop staring at the kelly-green Marc Jacobs totes and lemon-yellow Coach satchels any time soon. They give me solace, and glee, and something to look forward to: a life that’s once again worth packing a bag for.

5 Excellent Excuses to Dress Up In Your Own Home

Kate Sloan

I’m sure that, like me, you’ve been reading a lot of conflicting advice online about how to stay stuck at home without totally drowning in despair. Some people say, “Put on lipstick and real clothes every day so you feel put-together and normal!” while others say, “Wear pajamas and skip shaving for as long as you want – shit’s hard right now and you should be gentle with yourself!”

The thing is, both of these perspectives are correct. Lounging around in sweatpants is necessary and uplifting, at some times and for some people. So is dressing to the nines.

With that in mind, here are 5 excuses to put on a fancy/cute/weird outfit, even if you don’t plan on leaving your house for the foreseeable future – because I know that some of you, like me, are of a persuasion that enables fashion and beauty to lift your mood and bolster your confidence. You don’t need an excuse to get dressed, but if you want one, I’ve got some for you!

Attend an online event

A few friends of mine have been loving the nightly opera streams currently offered by the Met, and I can’t imagine an online event better suited to be dressed up for, especially given how fancy people usually get to attend the opera. You could wear a sequinned gown, a velvet suit, a long and flowing skirt, a giant fascinator in your hair… Whatever feels elegant and dressy to you!

That said, there are lots of other online events worth dressing up for, albeit not necessarily as formally as you would for the opera. I recently enjoyed attending a Risk livestream; there are online queer dance parties, literary panels, film festivals, and much more. These are relatively easy to dress for because you can just ask yourself, “What would I wear if I was attending this event IRL?” and then wear that.

Host a gathering

We’re entering the era of the Zoom party! May as well have a good time if we have to be stuck at home. Invite several of your favorite people to an online event. This, blessedly, usually takes less planning and preparation than an in-person rendezvous, and also enables you to invite people you don’t normally get to see because they live in different cities/countries/continents than you.

You could hold a get-together to mark your birthday or some other significant occasion. You could also just pick a theme (which often makes it easier to choose an outfit) and have a party for the heck of it. Toast to your shared circumstances and have a good time!

Do a photoshoot

If you’ve got extra time on your hands, as many of us do right now, you may as well spend it feeling sexy and documenting your cuteness! (Check out my post on at-home exhibitionism for more tips along these lines.) Put on something you don’t often get to wear, but that you feel amazing in – like a set of fancy lingerie or a hot leather jacket – and set up your phone or camera to take some self-portraits. Post ’em or don’t – it’s up to you.

Should you happen to be self-isolating with someone else who also wants to participate, you could take some snaps of each other. Hell, if you want, you could even schedule a time to video-call a similarly dolled-up friend and the two of you could take screenshots of one another while you strike various poses. Anything to distract you from the constant barrage of bad news, right?

Roleplay a sexy scenario

This is, of course, easiest if you happen to be holed up with a partner – but you don’t have to be. You could make plans to Skype your sweetie for a costumed teacher/student roleplay, for example, or tell your polycule to dress as various different superheroes for a fanciful group FaceTime call designed to devolve into an exhibitionistic touchless orgy.

You could even incorporate your medium of communication into the roleplay itself; for instance, sometimes my partner and I talk on the phone pretending I’m a hysteria patient who’s called in to a medical hotline for advice and guidance. You don’t have to let our current era’s limitations hamper your erotic imagination!

Put on a performance

There are a lot of jokes going around right now about the proliferation of Instagram Live broadcasts, but frankly, if reading the Twilight novels aloud to an online audience or casually painting while chatting with your followers is what gets you through this tough time, I say go right ahead! It’s probably a nice escape for the people tuning in as well.

Slither into a satin dress to play some ukulele tunes on Facebook. Don your best goth ensemble to perform some of the Stephen King oeuvre on YouTube. Bust out your tutu for an impromptu ballet show on Instagram. Fuck the haters; dressing up and performing are fun, and may well be helpful to the folks watching.

And hey, if you want to put on a sexy show, there are plenty of ways to do that, as you probably know… This Cirillas Fleshlight review and my review of the Vixen Bandit are great places to start if you’re looking for sex toys that help with a wee bit of exhibitionism!

Have you been getting dressed much lately? Any good outfits/stories/pieces of wisdom to share on the subject?

 

Heads up: this post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

What to Wear on Valentine’s Day

Kate Sloan

Not to get too Hallmark on you, but I kind of love Valentine’s Day. Unlike when I was younger, my enjoyment of this weird invented holiday no longer depends entirely on my partnered-vs.-non-partnered status at the time (although that is a factor) – mostly I just view Feb. 14th as an opportunity to celebrate the very notion of love. And what better way to do that than by dressing like a walking embodiment of romance?

As you can see from the collage of my past Valentine’s outfits above, there are some common themes in my overall philosophy for Valentine’s Day dressing… While you are (obviously) not in the least obligated to follow any of these directives, here are my core commandments for assembling a Valentine’s outfit, whether your plan is an over-the-top candlelit dinner with your sweetheart, a raucous “Galentine’s” celebration with some friends, or a solo hangout at home watching rom-coms!

Pink and red are key. The way I see it, this is literally the only day of the year when pink and red don’t look overly cutesy together. (Or rather, they do, but that’s the point.) Comb your wardrobe for anything pink or red and figure out how you can pair various items. You can go as subtle or as bright as you like – though of course, I favor a loud and proud aesthetic!

Go wild with hearts. This, again, is the only day of the year when you can wear as many heart-themed items as you want and people will think it’s… slightly less weird than they might otherwise. 😂💖 Tarina Tarantino does the best heart-shaped jewelry (unless you have Tiffany’s money, but honestly, I’ll take a flashy giant rhinestoned heart over a small understated silver one any day), and typing “heart” into the search bar of any clothing or accessories website will bring up a lot of cute stuff. Also great: anything floral-print or polka-dotted.

Choose romantic fabrics. What does this mean? Well, that’s up to you. I think some fabrics are traditionally coded as delicately feminine and thus romantic, like tulle, chiffon, and lace. But sensual fabrics like velvet, silk, and satin carry their own romanticism as well. Anything swishy and/or soft to the touch is a good pick. (And hey, if you’re a kinkster comme moi, maybe leather and latex are the most romantic materials you can think of!)

Dress to match your partner, if you have one and you’re both into that! What would normally seem ridiculous can just seem sweet on Valentine’s. Dressing in sync can be a visual manifestation of your luuuv.

Hide something fun underneath. Even if you’re not much for high-end hosiery and luxury lingerie (and I don’t blame you – that stuff’s expensive and high-maintenance, though it is beautiful), you could still delight your partner (or yourself) with some Valentine-y undergarments of some kind. MeUndies makes adorable matching heart-print underwear sets every year that are definitely worth a look!

Wear what your partner thinks you look hot in. This one is fully, 100% optional, because 1) you might not even have a partner, 2) you might not trust or prefer their aesthetic tastes over your own, and 3) you might not even know what they like you in, especially if it’s a new-ish relationship. But say your sweetie has told you they love you in striped stockings, or a well-fitting suit, or peeptoe heels, or with your hair slicked back – there’s no better occasion to wow your love with your choice of ensemble.

Go all out with your makeup, if you wear makeup (or if you don’t regularly wear it but want to on Valentine’s!). I like a classic smoky eye and red lip – that’s what feels the most romantic to me – but if you’ve got shimmery pink eyeshadow, or big fluttery false lashes, or iridescent pink lipstick, or stick-on hearts and cosmetic glue, by all means, use ’em! Be sure to consider longwear formulations if you’ll be out late and/or you plan on doing some kissin’.

Keep the weather in mind, because – while I do want you to look and feel excellent – in many places, it is snowy and/or freezing in February! Maybe you don’t want to be skidding around in your sky-high suede heels, or shivering sullenly in your translucent tights. If you must be impractical (and I get it), at least throw on a warm scarf and great coat when you go out, and maybe switch from boots to pretty shoes when you get where you’re going. Fashion is fun, but it’s not worth getting frostbite or a broken ankle for!

Wear what you feel sexy and gorgeous in. You can ignore every other rule here if you want, but this one is vital! Whether you’re making heart-eyes at your sweetie across a restaurant table, giggling with friends over a tipsy game of Spin the Bottle, or lounging solo at a cocktail bar with your favorite romance novel, you’re gonna wanna feel like a babe – whatever that means to you personally. Think about the times when you’ve felt your hottest/prettiest/handsomest and try to incorporate some elements from those past looks into your present one.

What do you plan on wearing for Valentine’s Day?