Beauty & Fashion

Behind the Seams: Romance in New York

Kate Sloan

Up for some fashion-related fun, to distract us all from… the world? Here’s some of what I’ve been wearing lately…

This first outfit is the one I was wearing when mb proposed to me, late last month. They picked it out themselves, modelling it almost exactly after what I was wearing on our first date. It was a great pick, because – as one would want for the night one gets engaged – it made me feel both beautiful and comfortable. Score!

The full-length photo was taken at the High Line about 5 minutes before they proposed. We stopped in front of an archway that was there as some kind of public art installation, and snapped some pics. I’m glad we have them now – they’re part of the history of our marriage! The other two photos were taken about an hour later at the outdoor rooftop bar where we went to celebrate post-proposal. In one of them, I’m on the phone with my mom to give her the good news – and we’re both probably about to burst out crying, natch!

What I’m wearing:

  • Black and red floral-print dress – bought at H&M years ago for $15
  • Black leather jacket – a hand-me-down from my cousin many years ago; the brand is Danier Leather and I really need to either replace it or get it repaired, because the lining is absolutely in tatters at this point from too much wear
  • Pins on my jacket: the Lickability logo, a spanking pin from Kinktionary, and a rainbow “she/her” pronoun pin from Pineapple Pinup Creations
  • Red and black cherry-print fabric mask – bought from the Etsy seller FickleFaerie back in April; I’ve bought/owned several more masks in the interim but this is the one I wear most often because it goes with most of my wardrobe
  • Blue leather heart collar – custom piece from L’Amour-Propre
  • Black leather clutch with gold chain strap – I “made” mb buy this for me from the Coach online outlet as a recent financial domination task, and I’ve been carrying it everywhere; it’s so cute, and the strap is removable, so you can carry it as a clutch/wristlet too!
  • Black leather Frye harness boots
  • Nails: Revlon’s “To the Chapel” (pale turquoisey-blue) topped with Essie’s “Set in Stones” (silver glitter) – I started growing out my nails weeks in advance because I knew I was gonna want to take lots of ring pics like an Instagram basic bitch, LOL
  • …& of course, my then-brand-new engagement ring, which is a Tiffany & Co. aquamarine Soleste ring with two little diamond halos – swoon-o-rama!

I wore this for an outdoor dinner date on a restaurant patio. It’s been interesting to observe all the various changes that restaurants have made in order to serve guests as safely as they can during this challenging time. My comfort level with dining out has gone up and down repeatedly throughout this pandemic as the case rates have waxed and waned (especially when I was back in Toronto where the rates have generally been lower), but during the periods when I’ve felt able to do it in good conscience, I’ve been glad to be able to help support local businesses in this way. It’s also been a rare opportunity to dress up and actually be seen by somebody… other than my internet friends/followers, that is. (Hi, I love you!)

What I’m wearing:

  • Black and silver glittery dress – H&M years ago
  • No bra, even though this dress really calls for one, because I was having the kind of chronic illness day where putting on a bra made me feel physically ill, so I took it off immediately (“No one’s going to make you wear one,” said mb; “I’m certainly not going to!”)
  • Black V-neck cashmere cardigan – the Gap; worn to death because it truly goes with everything and is soooo cozy
  • Silver key & lock necklace – the lock is from L’Amour-Propre and has “Daddy’s” engraved on it; the key unlocks mb’s current fave chastity cage (which they were wearing at the time); the chain is from Roma and was a gift from mb because my previous one was extremely cheap and tarnished
  • Black leggings – American Eagle
  • The same fabric mask, harness boots, and black leather clutch as above

Since I’ve been staying in New York, I’ve been living out of a suitcase and not dressing very interestingly… so I was delighted when Shinesty reached out to ask if I’d like to be sent any of their pieces. They’re mostly known for their delightfully loud holiday prints on suits, dresses, and blazers, but my interest was immediately piqued when I spotted their selection of jumpsuits.

I’m not normally a “jumpsuit person,” per se, but I had a feeling this one would work, for some reason… and it does! I’m 5’4″ and usually a size 12, so I asked for a size L, and it fits great. The pant legs are basically capri-length on the tall models on the website, but on li’l old me, they’re nearly ankle-length – perf. The waist seam also hits me right at my actual waist, so the overall effect is very flattering. Plus – although you can’t really tell in these photos – this jumpsuit is surprisingly cleavage-y! It would be especially so if I could bring myself to wear a damn bra…

What I’m wearing:

  • Snowflake jumpsuit – Shinesty (they also sent me one that’s candy-cane print, but I haven’t tried it on yet)
  • Pale blue/seafoam cashmere cardigan – made by Autumn Cashmere and bought lightly used from TheRealReal to wear over my wedding dress (I will do a wedding outfit post eventually, just waiting on the photos!)
  • Rainbow striped glasses – from Zenni’s Pride collection (I love them!!)
  • Tom Ford Cherry Lush lipstick
  • Same bag & boots as above

What have you loved wearing recently, babes? (It’s fully okay if the answer is “exclusively comfy T-shirts/lounge pants/slippers/etc.” – trust me, I feel you.)

P.S. Want to see more posts like this? Check out the “outfit” tag!

Lashing Out: How False Eyelashes Brighten My Life

Kate Sloan

The coronavirus crisis has a way of stripping us of our ability to access our most basic coping mechanisms, while simultaneously giving us a lot we need to cope with. I feel like I’m stuck between a vaccine and a hard place.

What would I do if I was having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, pre-COVID? I would go to the theatre (can’t do that anymore), or go read my book in a dark bar somewhere (can’t do that either), or go see family (can’t do that unless I’m very, very careful). It sucks knowing what could comfort you and not having access to it, to state something incredibly obvious that we’ve all had to deal with in some form for months.

One of my many COVID-cancelled coping mechanisms is doing my makeup. Sure, if I’m in the mood to do a full face, I could always just hang around at home afterward and post selfies, or I could focus on eyeshadow, eyeliner, and eyebrows to make sure my look is visible even when my mask is on. Early in quarantine, I even bought some colorful new MAC eyeshadows to tide me over until anyone outside my bubble could admire my lipstick again.

But it just didn’t feel like enough. Eyeshadow is time-consuming – all that blending takes me ages! – and the effect ultimately just isn’t as starkly glamorous as a bold red lip. It’s also not as versatile – I firmly believe bright lipstick can be a great addition to any outfit, while elaborate eyeshadow looks have a way of seeming over-the-top and out of place in daytime or casual contexts (at least, that’s what I think). Far too often during quarantine, craving a cosmetic pick-me-up but lacking enough time or emotional wherewithal to prime my eyelids and carefully blend several different shades of eyeshadow for 10-15 minutes, I would just give up, throw on my mask over my bare face, and call it a day.

Of course, as I’m sure you know if makeup is a central part of your self-presentation like it is for me, it can feel pretty shitty to have to be out in the world when your outsides are out of step with your insides. (Obviously lots of other kinds of people experience variations of this feeling, including trans people. If I’m whining about not being able to wear lipstick visibly in public, I literally can’t imagine how awful gender dysphoria must be.) At grocery stores, liquor stores, and the bank, I’d find myself wanting to tell everyone – in the immortal words of Mary Tyler Moore – “I usually look so much better than this!!”

However, then I discovered the wonders of false eyelashes. After shying away from them for years because of how difficult and annoying it seemed to wear and apply them, I finally decided to take the leap. I ordered a couple of inexpensive Sephora-brand pairs of lashes, some lash glue, and a tweezers-esque lash applicator. When they arrived, I watched some of my favorite beauty YouTubers’ instructional videos on applying falsies, and gave it a shot.

I’m not gonna lie: it is difficult. It’s one of the fiddliest, most intricate skills I’ve ever had to learn in my decade+ of doing my own makeup – although I suppose I probably felt that way about winged eyeliner and eyeshadow application a few years back. With lashes, though, there’s the added pressure of time – you only have a limited window between when the lash glue gets tacky enough to stick to your lids and when it’s dried too much to allow for adjustments. It’s like a nervewracking game from some high-pressure high-femme game show that should definitely exist if it doesn’t already.

But once I got the hang of it, I was immediately in love. False eyelashes completely transform your face. They can make you feel like a glamorous alien in one fell swoop. I always feel like a cartoon character in mine, batting my eyes flirtatiously at anyone (or no one) without even meaning to, like a queer tattooed Jessica Rabbit.

Best of all, lashes are just as impactful when you’re wearing a mask. In fact, they might even be moreso, because when you’re talking to someone who has a mask on, their eyes are kind of the only thing you can look at. And while it does take a few minutes to put them on, I’m getting faster at it each time I practice, and it doesn’t require a plethora of different products like eyeshadow does. I don’t even necessarily need the fancy tool I bought – more often than not, I use my fingers instead, especially as I’ve gotten more confident with the placement.

Lashes are truly one of the fastest, easiest ways to feel like a complete glamourpuss. On the first day I wore them, I was sporting a casual T-shirt and lounge pants, with no makeup on my face – and when I had to answer the door for a mail delivery, I wasn’t even embarrassed to be seen like that, as I normally might have been. My lashes made me seem like I had put effort into my look, even though I barely had. They are exactly the flashy femme self-care tool I was looking for.

I’m not saying false eyelashes are right for everyone. They’re challenging and cumbersome and often very weird. But I’m so glad I took a chance on them, after believing I would be hopelessly inept at using them. Like so many fashion and beauty risks I’ve taken over the years, I had no idea how amazing they would make me feel until I gathered the courage to put them on.

In Defense of Wearing Socks During Sex

Kate Sloan

Recently, I asked my partner to write mini reviews of some lewd self-portraits I shot in Agent Provocateur lingerie (yep, I’m needy as fuck) and, in one of the shots, it became evident that I had teamed this very expensive, sexy ensemble with a pair of blue calf-high socks. Rather than do what most people would do and either wish they weren’t there or not even notice them, my partner noted that the socks “show me that you want to come, and they’re the only thing that will be left on you once I get my hands on you.” I giggled, blushed, and nodded. Exactly.

If you’d be mystified receiving a sext like that, let me explain. A study done in 2003 in the Netherlands, on the neural processes that contribute to orgasm, found (among numerous other things) that wearing socks increased female participants’ rate of orgasm from 50% to 80%. Innnteresting.

This makes sense to me, given what I’ve learned from sex researcher Emily Nagoski about how women can be more sensitive than men to the presence of “sexual brakes,” i.e. factors that inhibit sexual arousal both physically and psychologically. (For the record, I’m not really sure how this information relates to trans women or nonbinary people, or whether gender-non-conforming people were included in any of the relevant studies, although my past experiences reading sex research lead me to believe they probably weren’t sampled significantly or at all.) Having cold feet in the literal sense could give women cold feet in the metaphorical sense about having sex, because in some cases it’s a distraction significant enough that it prevents or slows down the arousal process – at least, for me, and seemingly for other women as well. This is likely compounded by the fact that women’s extremities, on average, run colder than men’s. (Again, I assume the research here refers only to cis people, but would be pleasantly surprised if that was not the case.)

In the many years since I first read about the socks study, I’ve cited it to multiple sexual partners when asked why I tend to keep my socks on during sex, or (in the cases of a few foot fetishists) when lustily asked to remove my socks. It’s interesting how just explaining “My feet get cold,” like I used to do before I knew about the science, was typically met with more resistance than the more recent and more airtight “Studies show wearing socks during sex helps with having orgasms.” It’s almost as if… people trust male scientists more than they trust women about women’s own bodies?! Gee, who’da thunk.

I should note here that many people have a legitimate aesthetic issue with the whole idea of socks during sex. Either they think it looks silly and weird (which is their prerogative – I know even ultra-busty pouty-lipped sex dolls would look kinda odd wearing woollen hiking socks and nothing else) or they’re turned on by feet and/or full nudity. When I fuck someone who feels this way, my partners’ orgasms may be inhibited almost as much by me wearing socks as mine would be by me not wearing socks – so I’m sometimes willing to bend my policy and work a little harder for my orgasms, knowing I can wriggle back into my nice warm socks when we’re done. I do, after all, want my partners to enjoy having sex with me!

But luckily for me, I’ve had about as many paramours who loved socks as ones who wanted to ban them from our bedroom. This, I think, can be attributed mostly to my interest in DD/lg – there are a lot of visual tropes within that fetish, and knee-high and thigh-high socks are high on the list for many kinksters. I still remember the time I settled into bed for a nice long phone-sex sesh with a daddy dom years ago: he asked me what I was wearing, I told him “a T-shirt, underwear, and some knee-high socks,” and he moaned/growled/grunted with such ferocity that I knew I had made the right choice even though he couldn’t even see my outfit.

Sometimes when I talk to other women about wearing socks during sex – and, yeah, my life is sufficiently weird that this topic does come up in conversation with friends sometimes – they seem slightly mystified by my decision to put my comfort first in a sexual scenario. I think this is sadly emblematic of our sexual culture. Mainstream porn, for example – while I adore much of it and think it is necessary and important – is full of messaging which suggests that hot sex and comfortable sex are basically mutually exclusive, especially for women (can you IMAGINE doing reverse cowgirl, while standing, for 20+ minutes straight?! I simply cannot). And indeed, there are some sex acts I enjoy greatly which could not be considered “comfortable” by any stretch of the imagination (getting paddled and getting throat-fucked come to mind), so it’s not like discomfort is incompatible with arousal for me. But for some reason, socks are one place where I draw a line. I’m rarely up for being uncomfortable in this particular way even though I’ll happily be uncomfortable in various other ways during sex from time to time.

I will say, too, that this has sometimes been a litmus test of sorts for how a new partner reacts to boundary-setting or mid-bang communication. Are they really so committed to their porn-borne sexual scripts that they’re going to insist on full nudity at the expense of my comfort? Are they really going to argue with me about this perfectly reasonable boundary I have set for my own body? Or are they going to say “Huh,” shrug it off, and move on like nothing is wrong (because nothing is)?

Despite being a foot fetishist, my current partner is so devoted to and interested in my pleasure and my orgasm that they’ll often encourage me to keep my socks on during sex. And this makes it all the more delicious for both of us when – after giving me a partly socks-enabled orgasm or two – they crawl down my body, rest their hand gently on my ankle, and ask so so sweetly, “May I take these off and look at your feet?”

Respecting sexual partners’ boundaries is so, so important, even if those boundaries don’t totally make sense to you. Every time a partner respects one of my boundaries without question, it becomes easier and more fun for me later on to bend my more flexible boundaries in the name of pleasure. Heeding my “no” now is likely to get you a “yes” later, for something else. I’m glad science exists to back me up when I set this particular boundary, but the truth is, I shouldn’t need a scientific citation to state what I want and have that be respected.

So when my partner compliments the socks I’m wearing in nudes ‘n’ lewds, I know it’s more than just a compliment. It’s an affirmation that my choices are valid, my boundaries are important, and I am beautiful regardless of which clothes I do, or don’t, remove.

Loungewear in the Time of Coronavirus: A Wishlist

Kate Sloan
Silk nightgowns are the ultimate in loungewear glamour, IMO.

For those of us privileged enough to still be able to stay home while the global pandemic rages on outside, loungewear has become an important consideration. This category of clothing that otherwise may have been reserved for weekends and evenings is now creeping into the everyday, as we seek comfort both physically and emotionally.

Clothing retailers are reporting record sales in this category since COVID kicked in, which makes sense. I, too, have been expanding my collection of comfy clothes – but as any fashion-conscious materialist will tell you, there’s always more to want! Here are some lounge-appropriate items I’ve been lusting after lately…

Gap Dreamwell Tiered Dress in “Off-White Geo Dot”

Have you checked out the Gap’s “Dreamwell” collection recently? It’s full of sleepwear essentials in comfy fabrics and fun prints. It’s also the perfect name for such a section; if a friend asked me during a Skype chat what I was wearing, it’d feel so much more glamorous to say “It’s Dreamwell, darling” than to simply call it pajamas or a nightgown!

This froofy little number reminds me of this recent article by Rachel Syme about the “Nap Dress,” a creation by Hill House. However, the actual Nap Dresses are frankly way more expensive and way more matronly than I’d prefer, so I like this Gap nightgown better. It looks like the sort of thing you could roll around in on insomniac nights if need be, and that wouldn’t cause you to wake up sweaty after a humid summer night.

There’s also just something so iconic about a white dress. I imagine I would wear this out of the house at some point – I’m big on reappropriating sleepwear as streetwear if at all appropriate – and I doubt I could resist standing on a subway grate to have a bit of a Marilyn moment.

Playboy x MissGuided Pink Bunny Oversized T-Shirt Dress

I have a secret habit of scrolling through eBay and Etsy late at night, looking at vintage Playboy merch from decades past. They’ve made some truly wild things: I’ve found Playboy-branded martini glasses, pink leather jackets, even a cake pan.

There was a time when I looked down my nose at this brand – they’re not exactly known as a paragon of female empowerment, to say the least. But their mission seems to have changed a lot over the years; as of this writing, there was a Black Lives Matter section on their homepage, along with articles about erotic knife play, the racism of drug laws, and how BDSM interacts with mental health. Increasingly, I feel like rocking their logo on my person – while definitely capitalistic and materialistic – would be more of a progressive statement than a regressive one.

All of that said, I need to draw your attention to MissGuided’s collaboration collection with Playboy. It’s full of athleisure gems that would look just as good on the street as they would in your bed. This loose T-shirt particularly caught my eye because of the cute hue and the soft jersey fabric. Imagine waking up beside your lover in this – you’d feel as foxy as a centerfold!

Re Ona Scoop Long-Sleeve Bodysuit in Black

Re Ona is a Black-owned business (thanks to the Zoe Report for introducing me to them!) that focuses on simple basics. Most of their pieces are available in just 2-3 colors and are all about clean lines and classic shapes.

This bodysuit is made of a double-layered viscose/spandex blend that would make it heavenly for lounging around in (so long as you can put up with the thong back, which I know some people aren’t into). But it’s also designed so that you can wear it under jeans, shorts, or a skirt, without needing to worry about panty lines or the kind of riding-up that happens when you wear a T-shirt this way.

With its deep scoop-neck and PANTY SNAP CLOSURE (!!), this bodysuit is almost impossibly sexy, and also very easy to get in and out of when you need to pee (normally an urgent struggle in any bodysuit/romper/onesie). This is the kind of infinitely useful basic piece you could wear 100 times and still have more ideas about how and where to wear it.

Yoga Jeans Rachel Skinny Jeans in “Red Lip”

Okay, normally I would not consider jeans to be loungewear – days when I’m wearing jeans are days when I strip naked IMMEDIATELY upon arriving home. Begone, leg prisons!!

However, having owned a pair of Yoga Jeans for years (mine are these same ones in the color “Orchidée“), I can attest that they are shockingly comfortable and stretchy. This company – which, by the way, makes all its jeans right here in Canada in an eco-friendly and sustainable way – is called Yoga Jeans because you supposedly can do yoga while wearing their pants, due to their fabric which is specially designed for “4-way stretch.” Pretty neat!

I’m including these mostly because I know it sometimes doesn’t feel great to wear loungewear day after day when you’d rather dress up a little – but at the same time, you don’t always have the energy to put a whole fancy outfit together. For some people (like me), the ideal solution to this problem is fancy nightgowns or silk robes – but for some people, maybe a garment that looks like jeans but feels like yoga pants is the better pick! (These are also available in basic navy denim and honestly, I am tempted.)

Calvin Klein Sophisticated Lounge Sleep Pants in Black

Calvin Klein made one of my favorite nightgowns ever, which I’ve worn many many times both as sleepwear and as a base layer for various outdoors-appropriate outfits, so I trust this brand for my loungin’ needs.

I wouldn’t blame you if you looked at this image and at first assumed the model was wearing a full-length black dress – but no, that’s actually two separate pieces, one of which is this WILDLY wide-legged pair of pants. They describe it as “an updated Calvin Klein ’90s silhouette” but I think this shape actually would’ve looked delightfully out-there in almost any decade.

Made of modal – which is, IMO, the best material for any clothes you’re gonna lounge in, bar none – I suspect these would make you feel like a Greek god(dess) swishing around on a sunny day. It’s great to feel runway-level fashion-forward while you’re just lying in bed drinking coffee and reading a book!

 

Are you rocking lots of loungewear/sleepwear lately? Any favorite pieces you want to gush about in the comments?

 

A note for full disclosure: None of the links in this post are affiliate links, because most clothing retailers wouldn’t dream of accepting a sex blogger into their program – so if you want to support me as a writer (which I always appreciate very very much), you’ll have to pick a different avenue!

Handbags in the Age of Coronavirus

Kate Sloan

Ever since the pandemic news got bad, I’ve lost almost all of my usual verve for fashion and beauty. Where once I would spend hours per month trawling the websites of beloved clothing and accessories makers, now I can barely bring myself to window-shop for new socks online even though mine are riddled with holes. I trudge through most days in stretched-out T-shirts and comfy lounge pants, my hair pulled back in a cursory nub of a bun, lipstickless and lethargic.

Part of the reason for all this is the obvious: no one is seeing my outfits (no one except my partner, my roommate, and her two cats, that is), so I feel less motivated to put them together. There is no one to infer things about me from what I have on, and in losing the motivation to perform my selfhood in this way, I’m also losing some of that selfhood itself.

Another component of my sartorial disinterest is due to plain ol’ depression and grief. What we’re going through right now, as a species, is traumatic on scales we have yet to fully comprehend. I know from past experience that immense, bone-deep sadness causes my materialistic impulses to either ramp up significantly as a distraction tactic, or to drop off completely in a blaze of nihilism. Lately I’m oscillating between both extremes, but mostly landing on the latter.

However, there is still one category of fashion item that tugs at my femme heartstrings and makes my world feel a little brighter, and that’s handbags. Purses. Satchels. Totes. I ogle the Kate Spade and Coach websites in spare moments. I comb through eBay listings with keen-yet-weary eyes. I take great pleasure in ogling my extant handbag collection – though I rarely touch any of them these days.

That’s the root cause of this, I have to imagine: the lack of need for a bag at this time in history. I can throw on cute outfits galore in the confines of my apartment, and even clomp around in heels I’d never or rarely wear out into the world, but carrying a bag in those instances feels totally unnecessary and impractical. What, am I gonna tuck a petite clutch under my arm for the journey from the bedroom to the kitchen? Slide a crossbody strap over one shoulder for a jaunt to the garbage chute down the hall? I think not.

Even when I go out, I don’t have much use for bags now. More often than not, I’m just going on a quick errand or a meandering walk. I’ll cram my phone into the back pocket of my jeans (I rarely have the emotional energy for skirts and dresses these days), slip my keys into the front one, and maybe bring along a credit card or some cash if I plan on wandering to the shops. With a fabric mask on, I find it’s hard to do anything detail-oriented that lies below my sightline, so rummaging through a bag like I might normally do is impractical and sometimes even painful. (Anyone else find themselves constantly getting poked in the eye by their masks, through some strange contortion of facial muscles and eyeballs?!)

The increasing pointlessness of handbags, the frivolity and complexity of lifestyle that they hearken back to and that contrasts so sharply with my current involuntarily pared-down life, somehow makes them more appealing to me rather than less. They’re a useless luxury object at the moment, sure. But they’re also a window into my future, a future of normalcy regained, a future of getting dressed up and having somewhere to go.

The ritual of packing my pretty purse before an outing is often ceremonious and always important. Solo dates, especially, require preparation in this arena: I’ll fill a piece of lovely leather with my journal and pen so I can reflect on my feelings in a café window, or a loaded-up Kindle so I can spend time with beloved fictional characters at a cocktail bar, or a pair of glasses so I can see a theatrical cast’s every facial expression from the nosebleed seats. I’ll check to make sure I have my ID incase of booze, and my earbuds incase of boredom. I’ll throw in some gum or mints if there’s romance on the horizon. I’ll check the contents of my wallet to see how much merriment I can afford to make. It’s a femme ritual that feels like writing the blueprint of my outing before it even begins. The contents of my bag guide me on my journeys; the bag itself may as well be cute.

I haven’t actually purchased any new bags during this time period, for reasons you can probably guess: it feels unnecessary, I’m trying to keep an eye on my finances, and there are so many better ways I could and should direct my cash during this crisis. But I doubt I’ll stop staring at the kelly-green Marc Jacobs totes and lemon-yellow Coach satchels any time soon. They give me solace, and glee, and something to look forward to: a life that’s once again worth packing a bag for.