How-To

Why – and How – to Show Someone You Like Them

Kate Sloan

A good percentage of my posts emerge from revelations I have while journaling. I’ll blather on about a problem for pages at a time, and suddenly, the answer becomes crystal clear and spills out of my pen, almost of its own volition.

I had one of those recently, and it was the dumbest, most obvious thing: when you like someone, it is okay to act like you like them. Fuck what John Lennon says: you don’t have to hide that shit away.

See, when I was in high school, I got rejected by someone I really, really liked. This is a totally common, normal experience – especially for men, who are socialized to be romantic and sexual initiators – but something about this particular rebuff really messed up my flirt-o-meter. I see now that after that letdown, I deeply internalized the idea that if you show romantic or sexual interest for someone, and they don’t return those feelings, they will be grossed out by your advances. They will lose their esteem for you and want to avoid you as much as possible. In short, you will have fucked up whatever scrap of a relationship you had with them previously.

Of course, there are cases where this is true… like if you’re being genuinely inappropriate, or if the person in question has been burned by a creepy suitor before. But for the most part, everyone likes to feel liked and wanted and so you’re not going to horrify anyone by acting slightly-more-than-friendly in their direction. (With the caveat, obviously, that you put an immediate stop to that shit if they tell you to.)

Pre-epic-rejection, I was a lot better at this. I frequently told people they were cute, purely because I thought so and thought it’d make them happy to know that. I didn’t get anxiety about whether or not it was “too much” to favorite people’s Instagram selfies and clever tweets. I didn’t phrase my texts in the most benign, noncommittal way possible.

The other day, I got waaaay overanalytical while composing a message to someone I like, and it hit me: why am I trying to act like I don’t like this person? If anything, I want him to know I like him – not only because that will help move things forward more quickly but also because I know it will make him smile. Who doesn’t want to feel desirable and desired?

It will probably take some more practice before I fully get this idea through my head, and get back to being flirt-happy the way I was in high school. For my benefit as much as yours, here are some low-risk, high-reward ways to fawn over your crush without weirding them out…

 

Give them a really good compliment.

Like, the kind that is slightly above and beyond what you’d say to a friend or a random acquaintance you happen to admire. Compliment something that is integral to who they are, like their sense of humor, confidence, or charm. Or keep it classic and compliment a (non-sexual) part of their body, like their sparkling eyes, shiny hair or strong arms.

This kind of compliment pushes the boundaries of casual friendliness ever-so-gently. If they scrunch up their eyebrows and say, “…Thaaaanks?” then you’ll know to maybe dial it back a bit – but if they light up, blush, or giggle, that’s your green light, baby.

 

Make an effort.

When I want to figure out how someone feels about me, I pay attention to what they do, not what they say. People can spout all kinds of platitudes and excuses, but if they like you, they will make a consistent effort to reach out to you, make plans with you, and make you smile.

…Or at least, that’s how most non-shy folks operate. If you’re like me, your anxiety sometimes tricks you into thinking that the most innocuous of “What’s up?” texts or “Let’s get together!” DMs could be construed as overbearing. Unless you’re pestering the person with message after message, don’t fret – there’s no way they’re as annoyed as your anxiety-brain tells you they are. Drop ’em a line, ask them to hang out, keep in touch. Nothing can happen if you don’t keep those channels open.

 

Remember things they tell you.

“Hey, how did that late-night shift go? Was it as horrible as you thought it was gonna be?”

“I saw a trailer for a movie I thought you might like, because I know you’re a big Anchorman fan…”

“Did you end up buying that skirt you were thinking about getting?”

These are such mundane examples but I’m honestly getting a little swoony just contemplating them. It is so flattering when someone cares enough about you to remember the dull details you mention in passing. This tells them three things: 1) you are a good listener, 2) you find them interesting, and 3) you were thinking about them in the interim between your last meeting and your current one. You might as well be wearing an “I Like You!” sign on your chest… but this strategy is much more subtle than that. Win!

 

Touch them.

Okay, you gotta be able to read your audience on this one. Have some common social sense. I am not telling you to get touchy-feely with people who aren’t into it, or to cling onto someone the whole time you’re with them. But let’s be real… Those “flirting tips” you read in magazines for teen girls (no? just me?) are spot-on when they say that light, casual, occasional touch can act as a strong I-like-you signal without seeming strong.

Those magazines often say stuff like, “Lightly push his shoulder playfully when he makes a joke,” or “Reach out and touch his arm when you’re making a point.” I always used to read those tips and wonder how I could possibly make that kind of overture seem natural and non-weird. But now I’ve spent time around some terrific flirts and have discovered that this kind of touch can be played off in a natural way, and it also works a treat.

Touching someone gets their attention, gives them a little boost of happy neurotransmitters, and makes it that much easier to transition to other kinds of touching later (hugging, kissing, and on and on…) – so you should give it a shot, even if it feels awkward at first. (But, again, I need to stress: read the other person’s cues. Don’t get all up in the grill of someone who is clearly not into it. When in doubt, ask.)

 

Is this incredibly basic-level flirting advice? Probably. But I’m still a flirtation novice, even at age 23. I’m out of practice because I let myself learn a fear of being flirty. That’s gotta stop. People should know when I think they’re cute – if just because it might make their day a little happier.

What are your favorite ways to show someone you like them? Have you ever struggled with feeling it’s “not okay” to flirt?

 

Naked in Front of People: A Guide for Nudity Newbies

Kate Sloan
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Me and Caitlin at Body Pride

Last week, I went to Body Pride – again.

It was my third time going, so I know the ropes by now. But I remember when I attended my first one. It felt like there was so much to worry about.

In everyday life, probably only about 30% of your body, maximum, is showing at any given time. The upkeep of the rest is less important, because it’ll only be seen under special circumstances (e.g. during sex). But when you’re gonna be naked in front of people – especially for hours at a time, like at Body Pride workshops – there’s more to consider.

Granted, the whole point of Body Pride is self-acceptance. But you still probably want to look and feel your best. So here are my tips for preparing when you know you’ll be naked for a while – whether you’re shooting porn, going to a nudist colony, or just hangin’ out with some pals in the buff.

Test-run your makeup look in advance, if you wear makeup. I don’t quite know why, but some types of makeup look totally fine when you’re clothed but super weird and out of place once you get naked. I find that nudity pairs best with minimalistic looks – but on the other hand, if thick winged liner and fire-engine red lipstick will give you the confidence to rock your naked bod, by all means, go for it.

Wear a layered outfit that’s easy and quick to remove. Does that sound like a contradiction in terms? It shouldn’t – layers don’t necessarily have to be bulky or restrictive. The reason I recommend layers is that you might feel awkward if you’re the first person to get done undressing. You’ll be standing there completely nude while others are still shimmying out of their jeans. It’s best if your outfit can be removed quickly or slowly, so you can adjust your stripping speed to fit the vibe of the event. I usually like to wear a slip dress or nightgown (easy to step out of in a hurry) and a cardigan (allows for dawdling while I undo the buttons).

Do your body hair removal well in advance, if body hair removal is a thing that you do. Razor burn, ingrown hairs and post-wax rashes are not only unsightly but also uncomfortable. Give yourself at least a couple days between hair removal and naked-time, just incase something goes awry.

Moisturize. Cool clothes jazz up your appearance when you’re wearing them, but when you’re naked, moisturized skin provides a similarly polished effect. Trust me, it’s way cuter than dry, ashen skin. Moisturization is also important if you plan on doing any self-tanning before your big naked event.

Use internal menstrual products if you get your period. Menstrual cups, sponges, or tampons (with the string tucked inside) can all be basically invisible, even when you’re completely nude.

Think about butt and vag protection. This really depends on the location where you’ll be getting naked, and what you’ll be doing once you’re naked, but it’s worth thinking about. If you’ll be sitting on the floor or ground, you’ll probably want a pillow and/or towel so you don’t get dirt on your bare ass and/or vaginal fluids on somebody’s bare floor.

Maintain good posture and body language. I don’t know why, but slouching looks even less attractive than usual when a naked person does it. Contrastingly, there is something so sexy and beautiful about a straight-backed, lithe-looking person in the nude. When you’re naked, all your body’s shapes and lines are visually amplified, so make like a Botticelli babe and think long, tall, loose-limbed and elegant.

Ensure you’ll smell good. Naked bodies produce scents more readily than clothed ones; it’s a fact of life. You might want to expand the zones where you typically apply deodorant and/or perfume. (Don’t go overboard, though, especially since there might be some folks with scent sensitivities. Ask if you’re not sure!)

Enjoy yourself! Being naked is so much fun. In our culture, free-and-easy nudity is rare, so appreciate the opportunity when it comes your way. You may even find (as I do at the end of every Body Pride event) that being naked starts to feel like the most natural, lovely thing in the world!

How to Reply to Women on Twitter Without Disgracing Your Entire Gender: A Guide for Dudes

Kate Sloan

Being a woman on Twitter guarantees some level of harassment. That’s doubly true if you’re a woman who tweets about sex.

I created this post for two reasons: a) for the benefit of dudes who badly need this kind of instruction, and b) as a resource for women to send to douchebags on Twitter (and in other mediums, too, if they feel it’s useful in other contexts).

For that latter reason, I’ve put some page-jump codes into this post so that you can send dudes the link to the specific rule they’ve neglected to follow. Here are those links for easy sharing: Don’t mansplain, don’t answer questions no one has asked, don’t reply when a favorite would suffice, don’t favorite too many tweets, don’t be redundant, make valuable contributions, pay attention to context, read before you respond, don’t ask for pics, don’t oversexualize, don’t explain someone’s joke to her, accept you might be wrong, don’t demand anything, don’t tweet an email-sized query, proofread your tweet, and be generally respectful.

Without further ado… Here are my dos and don’ts for dudes on Twitter. These rules aren’t hard to follow, and yet you’d be shocked how many people break ’em.

Avoid mansplanation. Don’t explain things to women as if you know more than them, unless they’ve actually asked for an explanation or advice. Especially don’t explain women’s own experiences, ideas, and bodies to them – we’d know better than you would. Not sure if you’re mansplaining or not? Words like “actually” can be a tip-off.

Don’t answer a question that no one has asked. If I wanted to hear about your dick, your preferences in women, or what you think I should wear (or not wear), I would ask.

If your comment can be expressed by favoriting their tweet, do that instead. You probably don’t need to express your approval in multiple different ways. Favorite, or reply, or retweet. Don’t do a zillion things.

…But don’t go overboard with favoriting. Please don’t be the dude who combs through all my selfies and favorites all the sexual ones in a row. That’s just gross. Back off, dude, your inappropriate boner is showing.

Make sure what you’re saying hasn’t been said by someone else (including the woman you’re tweeting at). Redundancy is boring and not useful. You’re probably not as original and brilliant as you think you are. Especially don’t repeat a woman’s exact point in different words. If you desperately need to express your agreement, see above re: favoriting and retweeting.

Make sure what you’re saying is valuable, relevant, and actually contributes something to the conversation. Don’t just shove yourself into my day for no reason. If you don’t have anything particularly useful, interesting, or new to say, then you don’t need to say anything.

Stay aware of context. If you’re confused by someone’s tweet, flick through her previous tweets, bio, recent blog posts, etc. for possible clarification before you ask her about it. Please don’t be that idiot who has no idea what’s going on. And along those same lines…

Before tweeting about a blog post or link, actually read said blog post or link. I guarantee you, you will come across as a buffoon if you neglect to do this. If you haven’t read a post, you aren’t equipped to write about it, even on Twitter.

Avoid any and all variations of “Pics or it didn’t happen.” If a woman wanted to post a picture, she would do it. Asking for photos of her outfit, face, body, or anything else can come off as intensely creepy and inappropriate. Don’t do it.

Don’t make everything about sex. I know it’s hard for some dudes to get this through their heads, but even people who are openly sexual and sex-positive (e.g. sex bloggers) don’t want every interaction to be lascivious. Use your social intelligence (or if you don’t have any, get off Twitter until you do!) to figure out when a flirty response is appropriate (hint: very, very rarely) – and if in doubt, keep things respectful or just don’t reply at all.

Don’t explain a woman’s own joke to her. It’s surprising and strange how often this happens. It’s like some men don’t comprehend that women are actually capable of being funny, and so they assume that the jokes we make on Twitter are actually serious statements or we just don’t “get” that we’ve “accidentally” made a pun or joke. Assume we are brilliantly funny babes who know exactly how clever we are, and go from there.

Accept that you might be wrong. Exercise humility accordingly. I’m not sure if it’s due to systemic male privilege, or the argumentative nature of the internet, or cultural misogyny, or all of the above, but plenty of men on Twitter have the tendency to believe that they know best and that it’s their job to school other people. Practice saying (and typing!) the words, “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Use them when you need to – which might be more often than you think.

Don’t demand anything. Don’t ask us questions if you can find the answer on Google or elsewhere. Don’t ask us for “proof” of what we’re saying, especially if it’s something unprovable like a matter of personal experience. Don’t start sentences with “You have to.” In general, please remember: you are not entitled to our time or attention.

If your tweet requires a response longer than 140 characters, send it via email instead. Please don’t ask me a barrage of questions on Twitter and expect me to respond instantaneously, or at all. Seek out my email address and contact me there. It’s not hard – most folks will have theirs listed on their website, to which their Twitter profile will link. If you can’t find their email, tweet at them to ask for it, and be gracious if they decline to give it to you.

Proofread your tweet. I can guarantee that I will mock you if your tweet is riddled with errors. Also sometimes typos or autocorrect problems can make it impossible for me to understand what you were actually trying to say. If you care enough to type a tweet, you should care enough to make sure your message will be received and understood.

Just generally: be respectful, polite, and a decent fucking human being. It’s not that hard. If you don’t think you can follow these simple rules, a quick solution is to disable your Twitter account!

Anything I missed? What have you always wanted to tell dudes on Twitter? Got any horror stories to share?

How to Give a Killer Compliment

Kate Sloan

Giving good compliments is a vastly underrated superpower.

Talk to someone calculating, cunning, and cold, and they’ll tell you all about the manipulative powers of compliments – how you can use them to get someone in your sway.

That may be true, but that’s not what I mean when I call compliments a superpower. What I mean is that you have the power to turn someone’s day around. Maybe even to turn their life around.

Here’s how I know that’s true: I can track the evolution of my self-esteem by what compliments I received and when. The first boy to call me “pretty” when I was 12. The older man who told me I had a cute philtrum at 14. The freshman-year girlfriend who called one of my Facebook selfies “scintillating.” The sophomore-year FWB who raved about how soft my labia felt in her mouth. The senior-year boyfriend who called my dorky honesty “sexy.” The college boyfriend who went on and on (and on and on!) about my soft skin, handjob skillz, and on-point winged eyeliner.

(Ooooof. I am glowing with happiness just from writing those out! See what I mean about the power of compliments?)

Self-love gurus will tell you self-acceptance comes from within, and I think that’s true – there were times when I just wasn’t in the right headspace to hear, accept, and digest compliments. But I think a well-timed compliment, given with love and by the right person, can give you the shove you need on your journey toward self-love. That’s definitely how it worked for me.

Here are some tips on how to give a compliment that can literally change someone’s life…

Be genuine.

This should go without saying, and yet, it’s important enough that I have to say it. If you compliment someone, make sure you mean it! I’m sure you can find something about practically anyone that you like enough to compliment them on, even if it’s just their shoes or the way they pronounce a certain word.

Pay attention to what they put effort into.

I promise you, you will absolutely make someone’s day if you notice something about them that they evidently care about and then compliment them on it.

It might be physical: their perfectly-blended eyeshadow, color-coordinated outfit, or spiffy new haircut. It might be an aspect of their personality: their bravery, intelligence, humor. It might be something they do particularly well: playing guitar, baking brownies, or maintaining a flawlessly curated Pinterest page.

Notice this stuff. Say something about it. Let them see that their efforts have been appreciated.

Compliment what’s rarely complimented.

I learned this trick because I grew up smart but plain-looking, and I had a friend who was beautiful but only got average grades. She was constantly told how pretty she was, and it eventually made her doubt herself in other areas (intelligence, humor, etc). By contrast, I was frequently praised for being clever, which made me wonder if I was unimaginably hideous. What other explanation could there be?

While making sure to remain genuine, look for something that your complimentee probably doesn’t get praised for very often. Something other people tend to gloss over, ignore, or just don’t see.

Use unusual words.

A few reasons for this:

1. Your compliment will seem more genuine, intentional, and thought-out if your language isn’t generic. It shows that you had to actually scan your brain and select the best word from a number of different possibilities, instead of reaching for what came easiest.

2. Weird and wacky language is more memorable. You want your complimentee to remember your comment for days, weeks, months, or even years, instead of just forgetting it the moment they say “Thank you.” So choose words that will stick in their head (in a good way!).

3. The way our brains work, we actually absorb information better if it’s given to us in a way that requires a little mental effort. Words like “beautiful” and “amazing” are thrown out so often that we barely hear them or process them. A rarer word requires additional processing and is therefore likelier to sink in.

Instead of “beautiful,” try “radiant,” “dazzling,” or “foxy.”

Instead of “great” (as in, great shoes, great hair, great outfit!), try “exquisite,” “groovy,” or “magnificent.”

Instead of “sexy” or “hot,” try “ravishing,” “captivating,” or “delectable”!

And don’t forget to throw some strange adverbs in there. “Very,” “incredibly” and “totally” can be replaced with words like “astonishingly,” “strikingly” and “exceptionally”! (If this kind of language feels too formal/fancy for you, I can personally attest to the effectiveness of “hella” as a pre-compliment adverb.)

Let go of expectations.

It’s suuuuper annoying when someone compliments you and then just stares at you, like they want you to… what? Compliment them back? Deny the truth of what they said? Confess your love and elope with them to Paris?

Please don’t ever make someone feel like they owe you something in exchange for your compliment. A “thank you” is pretty much all you’re owed – maybe not even that. (Some people have been socialized in such a way that it’s hard for them to say “thank you” when they’re complimented, so they might deny what you’ve said. Please don’t argue with them too much. There are social and psychological reasons why they do this – and your compliment likely lifted their mood even if they don’t act like it.)

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

How to Stimulate Your G-Spot From the Outside

Kate Sloan

I remember the first time like it was yesterday…

My then-partner and I were lying in bed after a particularly satisfying cunnilingus sesh. He was spooning me and I was pretty blissed out.

Suddenly I had a craving I’d never felt before – a specific spot on my lower belly wanted pressure, like, now – and I was disinhibited by endorphins so I gave in to this random whim of my body. I grabbed my partner’s hand where it lay on my ribs, isolated two of his fingers, and pressed them into a spot on the border between my mons pubis and my stomach – hard.

My partner caught on pretty quick. He pressed as hard as I was directing him to do, and then he started moving his fingers in small, slow circles – which made me moan from a pleasure so deep and intense that I was almost sad I hadn’t discovered this trick earlier.

It took me some time and experimentation before I came to recognize that spot as my “external G-spot” – a highly specific area from which I can stimulate my urethral sponge without even taking my underwear off.

I want everyone to feel this awesomeness, so here are some tips on how to do it if you’re interested…

Get really, really turned on first. This is standard advice for any kind of G-spot play, really. I find that my external G-spot responds best when I’ve just had an orgasm, which is why touching it became a post-coital tradition with my last partner (oh, fuck, swoon). However, it also responds when I’m just suuuper aroused. When a partner digs their fingers into that spot while going down on me, when I’m like 80% of the way to orgasm, it makes the whole experience achingly intense.

Find the spot from the inside. This is one way to do it, anyway. If you already know how to locate your G-spot on your vaginal wall, press into it hard while holding your other hand on your lower belly/upper mons. See if you can feel your fingers through your body (yes, this is some Alien shit). If that doesn’t work, just get yourself very turned on and then experiment with pressing hard on different locations on your mons and lower stomach; you’ll probably stumble on it eventually.

Press hard. This, again, is good advice for G-spot play whether you’re coming at it from inside or outside; that fucker is really buried in the vaginal wall for most folks. My partner was quite surprised at the amount of pressure I demanded from him when we first started playing with my spot. I repeatedly had to remind him that I am not, in fact, a wilting flower or a Ming vase; my G-spot can handle – nay, requires – a hella firm touch.

Experiment with rhythm and movement. Just like your internal G-spot, your external one might like steady pressure, or it might prefer a bit of a circular motion, or a deep pulsing. I’m a fan of circles, which also holds true for the kind of clit stimulation I prefer (I wonder if there’s a connection there?).

Combine it with other forms of stimulation. I like to rub my outer G-spot while rubbing my clit. Not only does it feel good, but there’s a pleasing symmetry to having both hands rubbing circles in vertically aligned spots on my skin…

Take advantage of the convenience. You don’t even need to take your pants off to get at your G-spot, which is pretty terrific. I have been known to line up the bottom of my desk with the spot and then casually press against it while I work (or, y’know, watch porn). Just don’t be that perv who pleasures themselves inappropriately in public, please (duh).

Incorporate it into strap-on play if you’re into that. Some harnesses allow for you to position the base of the dildo up high on your mons, so you’ll get some pleasant external G-spot pressure with every thrust. Might be fun if you like a little variety (alternate harness placements and dildo types can stimulate your clit or your internal G-spot, or even potentially your butt, so you’ve got lots of choices).

Try using a sex toy on it. Deep, rumbly vibrations are the best at accessing the deeply-buried G-spot, I find. A wand-style massager gives me the heft and power I need to stimulate the spot through my mons. I also sometimes like to apply deep pressure with the big end of my Pure Wand. I wish there was a version of the Pure Wand that had an even more extreme curve, so I could rub my G-spot from both the inside and the outside at the same time!

Have you discovered your external G-spot? How do you like to stimulate it?