Photo taken in the noise-testing area of the Womanizer factory in Berlin (sorry, can’t remember whose hands these are!)
There are certain sad realities of life that simply can’t be sidestepped. Sometimes you will lose someone you love. Sometimes you will have to pay your taxes. And sometimes – quelle tragedy! – you will have to have sex quietly. My condolences. (Or cumdolences, as the case may be.)
This is easier for some than for others – but if you struggle to keep quiet during sex when you need to, here are some quick tips:
Drown out the noise with more noise
You don’t have to crank up the Barry White if that’s too obvious (!), but some kind of music or other sound can camouflage your cries of passion. I like the “pink noise” setting on the Dark Noise app (its pitch is less grating to me than standard white noise), as well as instrumental jazz and Robot Science.
If you have a HomePod, Alexa, or similar, you can even use voice control to request white noise, rain sounds, or music. This is useful in the heat of the moment, when you may not want to pause the action to set up a soundscape like you’re the Philip Glass of ass.
Use quieter sex toys (or none at all)
Y’all know I love sex toys, but some of them are loud as hell. If sound level’s a concern for you, prioritize silent vibrators when you shop for toys (my reviews often discuss noise level, FYI!), and stay away from notoriously noisy toys like Fleshlights and fucking machines.
Cover the source of the sound
In most cases, the source of the sound is gonna be your own mouth (or your partner’s), in which case a ballgag may be useful, or even just faceplanting in a pillow. Just make sure you have a safe-signal in place (e.g. double-tapping on the other person’s arm or leg) so you can end the action quickly if these measures make it hard to breathe at any point. Beginners may want to stick with ‘breathable’ gags, which have holes in them to allow for airflow, although those don’t stifle sound quite as well.
Occasionally the loudest noises may come from something that is not your face, which you may or may not be able to cover up. For example, spanking someone under a blanket is quieter than spanking them out in the open, although it makes it more difficult to land satisfying hits. (Punching is also quieter than smacking…)
Cushion any impact points
If your thighs keep slapping against your partner’s ass every time you thrust into them, for instance, maybe one or both of you could leave your pants on (unbuttoned, natch) to muffle the smacking. If your bed keeps banging into the wall, move it out an inch or two, or stuff a pillow in between. If you’ve got a particularly squeaky bed, it may even be wiser to have sex on the floor, at least while you have to stay quiet.
Find alternate outlets for sounds
Why do we moan (or whimper, or scream) during sex, anyway? Sometimes it’s a way of handling/processing intense sensation, in which case you may be able to channel that impulse into gripping the sheets, scratching down your partner’s back, and other tactile outlets.
One big reason I make noise in bed is to give my partner nonverbal feedback on what’s working, so they can adjust technique accordingly throughout the process of getting me off. But this can just as easily be achieved by me gripping their arm tighter or breathing harder in their ear when things feel particularly good. You can still be a good bottom even when you have to stay quiet – sometimes it’s even hotter that way!
What are your favorite ways to make sex quieter?
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
Trying to decide if I think you’ll be a fun lay or not. (Photo by mb)
I write reviews of sex toys here all the time, but sometimes I wish there were equivalent reviews available for sexual partners: “Clumsy, but enthusiastic.” “Could use some honing, but has definite potential.” “Kept a wand plugged in by the bed and aftercare chocolates in the fridge. 12/10, no notes.”
Granted, different people can bring out different sides of one’s sexuality, and one man’s trash-fuck could easily be another man’s treasure – so these types of reviews might not be terribly useful anyway. Nonetheless, I often do wonder, as I get to know a new crush, whether they’d make me scream in bed, or just make me sigh with frustration. There’s no surefire way to predict this, but here are a few small things I look out for…
They respect boundaries (without pouting)
Arguably this isn’t a “good in bed” thing so much as a basic requirement of consent-conscious sex, but either way, it bodes well. How do they react when you say “no” to them? If you express a preference or a hard limit on anything (sexual or otherwise), do they acknowledge it, remember it, and respect it? Do they ever argue with you about your boundaries, push back against them, or ignore them entirely – and if so, how do they react when called out on that? This can all be useful data when you’re trying to assess whether you’d have a good (and safe) time in bed with someone.
They listen closely & are emotionally attuned
So much of good sex is about attunement, by which I mostly just mean paying attention: noticing what’s giving someone pleasure, and adapting your technique accordingly to make it better and better. The emotional and psychological aspects of sex benefit a lot from attunement, too – it’s hard to feel intimately connected with someone who’s off in their own world mentally.
For this reason, I am far more likely to want to jump someone’s bones if they listen deeply during conversations, ask me good questions out of genuine curiosity, and respond/react to my emotional state when we talk. Shout-out, for example, to the guy who recently brought me a box of Kleenex unprompted because he noticed me getting misty-eyed during a sentimental convo with someone else; that is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about here 🥵 And on a related note…
They are patient & can stay in the moment
Maybe this is a hot take, but I don’t want to fuck someone who checks their phone constantly on dates, for the same reasons I wouldn’t fuck someone who rolls their eyes and checks their watch while I’m telling them a story – that’s rude as fuck, disconnective, and indicates an itchy impatience that is incompatible with the types of sex I like to have.
By contrast, it is wildly sexy when someone stays so focused on me during conversation that it feels like the rest of the world melts away for both of us. It shows me that they probably won’t get bored and tap out after three minutes of lackluster cunnilingus, for example, but are likelier to instead relish every moment they get to spend down there.
They don’t take themselves too seriously
If I lightly roast a man in the course of flirting with him, and he reacts like I’ve just slapped him across the face, either my comment really was out of line (in which case, mea culpa, my dude!), or he’s more concerned with his ego/image/status than with building a connection. And in my experience, if someone’s ego is shaken that easily, it’ll also be shaken by me asking for technique adjustments in bed, bringing up kinks I want to try, or even incorporating sex toys. In the immortal words of Ariana Grande: “thank u, next!”
They’re good at touching
I adore those early days in a new connection when you haven’t had sex yet and so every touch feels electric with promise. It is soooo hot, which is part of why I don’t like to rush into sex with new people these days. Let’s marinate in that sweet, sweet anticipation together for a while, baby!
The ways that someone touches me before they’ve ever fucked me can be very telling, whether they throw an arm around my waist as we walk down the street, idly massage my shoulders in the back of a taxi, or stroke my inner thigh under the table at a restaurant. Are they good at “reading the room,” sensing when (and where) I might like to be touched and quickly adjusting if they overstep? Do they pay attention to what makes me sigh and melt, and do more of that? And just as importantly, how does my body react to their touch? Do I recoil or tense up because something’s not quite right, or do I find myself relaxing into their touch and wanting more of it? This is all hugely useful data.
What signs do you look for when trying to assess whether you might enjoy having sex with someone?
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
In the kink community, a collar can mean a wide range of different things. For some, it’s simply a sex toy, a way to tug someone around during a scene. For others, it’s a deeply-considered symbol of commitment to a D/s dynamic. And between those two ends of the spectrum are countless variations. A collar can mean whatever you and your partner(s) want it to.
Collars may be the item most associated with commitment in the kink world, like wedding rings in the vanilla world – but just like with wedding rings, some people find that collars are impractical for their lifestyle for various reasons, so they’d rather wear something else. Maybe they have a job where they can’t flag as kinky, nosy family members who would ask too many questions, or a medical condition that precludes any neck constriction – whatever the case may be, there are always workarounds. With that in mind, here are 3 categories of collar alternatives for you to consider…
A mark (temporary or permanent)
Sometimes the whole point of wearing a collar is to be constantly reminded, throughout your day, that you’re in a D/s dynamic with someone you adore, and that they adore you too. To that end, anything which reminds you of your partner can be a useful collar alternative, as long as it’s something you’ll carry around on your body all day – whether that’s a well-placed hickey or bruise, a Sharpie scrawl of their initials, or even a tattoo of a meaningful symbol in your relationship.
A piece of jewelry or other wearable accessory
I once knew a glamorous woman who wore a stunning diamond necklace. When I complimented her on it, she replied with a wink (knowing that I am kinky), “It is what you think it is.” That is to say: a collar-esque symbol can be anything, from a priceless pendant, to a nose ring, to a piece of twine tied around your wrist. All that matters is that you and your partner(s) agree about the shared meaning of the object in question, and that you’ll be pleasantly reminded of your dynamic each time you notice it.
A sex toy, worn under clothes
Chastity cages, wearable vibrators, and butt plug tails, oh my! These products aren’t always practical (I wouldn’t recommend wearing anything metal through a TSA scanner, for instance), but they are great for keeping a sexual connection front-and-centre in your mind. As a bonus, they can generate arousal throughout your day, like a set-it-and-forget-it form of foreplay. Neat!
Have you ever tried a “collar alternative” like this? What did you go with?
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
POV: you’re on a date with me at the Relic Lobby Bar and hopefully asking me lots of great questions about myself (photo by mb)
Hey Kate, what’s the biggest mistake men make on dates with women?
Not asking anywhere near enough questions. Or, in many cases, not asking any questions at all.
Really? That’s the biggest mistake they could make? Worse than showing up without showering/brushing one’s teeth, yelling at a restaurant employee, or sexually coercing one’s date?
While these kinds of behaviors are obviously not ideal if you’re trying to impress someone (to say the least), they’re so egregious that it’s hard to think of them as “mistakes” so much as “behaviors you should’ve known would turn someone off, and it’s kind of weird if you didn’t know that.” If you struggle with any of the above behaviors, your issues are probably above my pay grade, although I wish you the best of luck addressing them ASAP.
Not asking questions on a date is often an actual mistake, though – in that a lot of people who do it seem to be unaware that they’re doing it, or unaware that it’s deeply rude and off-putting. This post is mostly for people like that. Hi; welcome!
Are you sure this is such a rampant problem? Surely some men ask questions on dates?!
Yes, obviously some men ask questions on dates. There are over 4 billion men on this planet; it would be pretty wild if they were all socially out-of-touch in this particular way.
Great! Keep it up. Hopefully one day a majority of men will do the same. (Perhaps you can help by sending this post to all your bros.)
This problem isn’t limited to men! Some people of other genders do it too!
Sure, that’s definitely true! However, there are specific sociocultural factors that lead men to do this far more often.
Studies overwhelmingly show that men talk more than women in mixed-gender conversations, and don’t listen as well when others talk. Some researchers in this field have attributed this to differences in rhetorical strategy: “men learn that it is important for them to assert status and to appear a leader,” while women communicate “to establish and maintain harmonious relationships with others.” (Some sociolinguists, like the late Princeton professor Deborah Tannen, think these imbalances have more to do with societal power structures than with anything inborn/biological.)
Okay, fine, let’s get into it. Why is it important to ask questions on dates?
I’m so glad you asked! There are a few key reasons to ask questions on dates…
To communicate interest. Presumably, if you’re on a date with someone, it’s because you’re interested in them – but if you ask them zero questions, you’re going to seem entirely disinterested. Is that how you want to come across? If so, why are you on the date in the first place?
To be more likeable & attractive.Studies show that “people who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.” And you want your date to like you, right?! People who ask questions are also “perceived as higher in responsiveness, an interpersonal construct that captures listening, understanding, validation, and care.” These are all great qualities that many people look for in potential partners.
To demonstrate social sense & conversational skill. It’s just good manners to keep a conversation well-balanced, rather than expecting the other person to single-handedly carry the entire interaction. Not to mention, I’d never even consider continuing to date someone who hadn’t yet mastered the basics of conversation, as it’s an absolutely core skill in any relationship I’d want to be a part of, and I think many people feel the same.
To assess compatibility, which is arguably the main point of going on a first or second date. As Girl on the Net points out in this fantastic blog post, asking questions on dates is a way of screening for things that matter to you in a relationship, so the two of you can decide if you’re a good fit and want to continue seeing each other. You can’t assess that without asking at least some questions.
To establish intimacy & attraction. For many people, sexual attraction sparks at least partially from a sense of emotional intimacy – and it’s difficult to feel intimately connected with someone who knows nothing about you because they’ve asked you zero questions. It’s genuinely sexy to be asked interesting, astute questions about oneself, not only because it demonstrates social skill but also because intimacy is based on the mutual desire to know/understand each other more deeply.
What if I can’t think of anything to ask?
Well, first of all: Do you actually like the person you’re on a date with? Are you actually interested in them, curious about them, eager to get to know them better? If so, I’m sure there are some things you can think to ask them. What do you wonder about? Ask about that.
If you genuinely can’t think of anything that you want to ask the person sitting across from you on a date, either you’re just not that into them (which is fine, but you shouldn’t go on more dates with them if that’s the case!), or you need to develop your curiosity like a muscle. Practice this skill in all your connections, not just romantic or sexual ones. Ask people how their day went, what they’ve been up to lately, what’s on their mind, what they think of the latest kerfuffle in the news, or any other (appropriate) question that pops into your head. Open-ended questions are usually best, as opposed to “yes or no” or “do you prefer X or Y?”-type questions, although those are fine too. The more you practice, the easier it’ll get, until it starts to come more naturally.
One wildly easy way to ask someone a question on a date, though, is just to flip their own question around on them. For instance, if they ask “How was your day?” you can give your answer and then say, “How about you?” This sounds screamingly obvious, I know, but you would be amazed how many men don’t even do this. It’s extremely, extremely easy. There’s no excuse not to do it. As Girl on the Net wrote in a comment once: “Literally a man could write ‘how about you?’ on his palm in biro before a date as a reminder to throw it into the conversation once or twice, and he would be doing better than 80% of the men I have been on dates with throughout my life.”
Who said anything about small talk?! Certainly you can ask small-talk-y questions on a date, and usually it shows good social sense to at least start in shallow waters conversationally – but you can ask bigger, deeper questions, too! Some examples: “What are you passionate about?” “What’s your favorite memory in [this neighborhood/this city]?” “What’s the last thing that made you laugh really hard?” “What are you looking for in a relationship?” “Do you think we’re alone in the universe?”
When I ask questions, do I have to actually listen to the answers?
Yes!!! or else why bother asking them? Seriously, if you’re that disinterested in your date, you should stay home. I’m not even trying to be shady here; you would probably have a better time playing a dating sim than going on a date with an actual person. Dating people requires being interested in people. If you’re not interested in people, ask yourself why you want to date.
Listening to – and acknowledging – someone’s answers to your questions is a vital part of how conversations build intimacy. If I tell you a story and you don’t react to it, I might as well have told it to a brick wall. Listen to what your date says, utilize active listening techniques, and acknowledge what they said (e.g. “Wow, that sounds like it was really stressful!” or “Damn, that’s amazing!” etc.) before you consider jumping in with your own story in response. Remember, the objective is to build connection and rapport, not to outdo each other conversationally.
This is too hard and makes me want to give up on dating!
If the “human connection” part of human connection feels too hard for you right now, that’s okay. I get it. I have days like that too.
But the fact is, if you want to connect with human beings, you have to have at least a few skills in your back pocket that enable you to do that. And asking questions is one of the most basic building blocks of conversation, so it’s a skill you should develop, even if you’ve struggled with it until now. Trust me, there are few skills more worth learning than this one, at least if you value connection and intimacy of any kind. There are plenty of resources out there that can help you get better at conversational skills, like Dr. Nerdlove’s blog posts and Camille Virginia’s book The Offline Dating Method – and simply practicing will help a lot.
When you find yourself wanting to “give up,” perhaps put yourself in the shoes of women who’ve gone on countless dates with men who haven’t asked us anything. It’s not just boring and exhausting (although it absolutely is those things) – it’s also deeply disheartening and depressing to go home at the end of a date, having been asked nothing at all. I have spent so many nights crying after this kind of date. It always makes me feel like worthless garbage that even someone who claimed to be interested in me couldn’t muster enough actual interest to ask a question. It’s soul-destroying, and makes me want to give up on dating sometimes. So I understand that nihilistic impulse, but please ask yourself: Is it really that hard to think of things to ask the person you’re ostensibly interested in? And if so, why is that?
What should I do if I am [neurodivergent/socially anxious/etc.] and therefore can’t ask questions on dates?
I mean, if you literally can’t, then you can’t. You know your limitations best.
That being said, as I’ve already emphasized, asking questions is a very basic aspect of conversation, which is a very basic aspect of human relationships. So if you intend to have human relationships in your life (whether romantic, sexual, platonic, or any combination thereof), this is a skill worth developing, even if it’s difficult for you. Most skills worth learning are initially difficult to pick up. That’s part of what makes it so rewarding to learn those skills. As Alexandra Franzen says, “Are you willing to feel temporarily uncomfortable so that you can accomplish something that is permanently amazing?”
That being said, if you really, truly feel like you can’t have give-and-take conversations of this type and will never be able to, then it’s possible you’d be better off dating folks whose style of connection is similar to your own – in which case you might prefer to date within neurodivergent/socially anxious/etc. communities rather than seeking out dates on mainstream dating apps etc., where most people will be expecting a more conventional conversational style.
Some people just don’t ask questions. Don’t you think it’s unreasonable for you to expect your dates to ask you questions?
No, it’s not unreasonable for me to expect that anyone who wants to date me should be interested in me, and should be able to express that interest. Asking questions is the most basic way of expressing interest. If someone can’t (or won’t) do that, I won’t even be able to develop an attraction for them, let alone do all the other things I like doing with people I’m dating, so there’s no point in continuing to see them.
It’s certainly true that some people have a less question-based conversational style than others. I still think those people have a lot to gain from learning how to ask questions, just as us question-askers can sometimes get better at simply interjecting our own stories/thoughts when we’re talking to someone who never asks us anything. But it can be frustrating to try to bridge these gaps, so oftentimes it’s a lot easier to date someone whose conversational style already matches yours.
I think I fucked up, and didn’t ask enough questions on my most recent date. Is this salvageable?
Possibly! When I’ve arrived home from a first date feeling miserable and alone because the other person didn’t ask me anything, usually I’d already made the decision to stop seeing them – but I think it would’ve helped a lot if they’d sent me a message within the next couple days, saying something like:
Hey, that was so much fun! Realized I might’ve talked your ear off cuz I was kinda nervous – but I want to get to know you better! Can I take you out again and ask you more questions this time? Also, how’s your day going?
Notice that there’s an actual conversational question at the end of the message, to prove that you are already following through on your intention to ask more stuff. It’s such a bummer when someone promises they’ll change their ways and then just… doesn’t.
What should I do if I’m on a date with someone who isn’t asking me any questions?
Such a tricky and annoying situation to find yourself in!! Broadly speaking, I think you have 5 main options here…
End the date. Honestly, I wish I’d done this more often. You don’t have to do it rudely if that feels too difficult; you can just be like, “I’m not feeling the chemistry I’m looking for, so I’m gonna head out,” and then pay your half of the check (if applicable) and hit the road. Sure, they might ask you annoying follow-up questions (“Seriously? But why?!”), although they also might not, considering that asking zero questions is their whole problem in the first place…
Leave more silences. Sometimes I ask people so many questions so eagerly that they don’t have enough time/space to think of questions for me and actually ask them. I am a journalist and have been trained to fill all the “dead air,” after all! So I’ve had to learn that sometimes, when someone finishes answering one of my questions, I can just nod wisely and wait to see if they ask me something back. For some people, an awkward silence can be a reminder: “Oh yeah, I’m supposed to ask stuff, too!”
Ask them, “Is there anything you want to ask me?” This is more direct and therefore more scary, but entirely valid. It’s possible they’ve forgotten to ask you stuff because they’re nervous or enthralled by your conversational skill (you charmer, you!), so they might appreciate the reminder to hold up their end of the convo. Some situations may warrant a slightly more confrontational “I’m noticing that you’re not asking me about myself – any particular reason for that?”
Just jump in with your own stories/responses. For instance, maybe you ask your date about their favorite movie, listen to their answer, respond/react to their answer, and then say, “My favorite movie is…” Personally this isn’t my preferred option because a) it annoys me to do that extra labor when I shouldn’t have to and b) I am never convinced someone actually cares to hear my answers if they haven’t asked me a single question… but it’s still good to have this strategy as an option if you need it, because lord is it ever exhausting and irritating to just listen to someone monologue for an hour+!
Suffer through it. This is usually what I do, and I’m not proud of it – but there are times when it just doesn’t seem worthwhile to try to teach someone how to have a conversation, especially if I’m not even that into them. Sometimes I’m just like, “Well, I’m already on this date. Might as well enjoy my cocktail, pretend I’m a world-famous interviewer who’s here to make an ordinary person feel fascinating, and leave as soon as we’ve paid the check.” 🤷🏻♀️
Can I reject someone/decline to go out with someone again because they didn’t ask me enough questions? How do I tell them that?
You are allowed to decline to go out with someone for any reason you want, and I would say that “shows no interest in you” is a damn good reason.
When offering a reason, I have tended to say that we don’t have the conversational chemistry I’m looking for. I want them to know that the issue was conversational, so that they can hopefully fix it for future dates’ sake – but I don’t always have the spoons to get more specific, and that’s fine. A friend of mine will straight-up say “You are not interested in me” when asked about this, which is often met with protestations (“Of course I’m interested in you!!”) – but as I mentioned above, when you reject someone for being incurious, sometimes they are just as incurious about the reason for the rejection (possibly because they indeed are not very interested in you!), so you may not even need to explain yourself.
Do you have any theories on why men generally ask so few questions on dates?
I do! (Please forgive me for the very hetero and generalized answer to follow; I’m speaking very broadly about wide-ranging social trends, which, by its nature, leads to analysis that is neither universalizeable nor precise.)
I think heterosexual culture, as a whole, tends to position women as the gatekeepers of sex and men as the pursuers of sex. This can result in a dynamic where early dates feel like a job interview for the position of boyfriend (or husband, or fuckbuddy, or whatever the case may be) – the man feels, on some level, that he needs to seem impressive and authoritative, standing up to the woman’s scrutiny as she assesses him through questions. However, while men are trying to be a “winner” and come out victorious over their imagined competitors, women are often looking for a lover, a partner, not a winner (to borrow language from Emily Nagoski’s Come Together). You can’t really develop a mutual, equitable connection from a place of competitiveness and trying to prove yourself.
I think some men feel such a sense of scarcity in their dating lives that they’re happy just to be on a date with a woman at all, and don’t want to risk rocking the boat by asking anything that might reveal an incompatibility, even though that filtering process is largely the point of going on dates. There are also men who see it as somehow unmasculine to take a heartfelt, proactive interest in women’s thoughts and feelings. And there are men who harbor such skewed views about women that they can’t conceptualize us as anything more than a pretty face and a pleasant presence – in which case, why bother inquiring about our inner lives? Those men barely think we have inner lives!
But of the men who ask zero-to-very-few questions on dates, I think the majority are probably decent dudes who want to connect with women… and it is for them that I have written this giant-ass blog post, in the hopes that they will take away this one all-important lesson from it: Ask your dates questions about themselves. Show an interest in the people you claim to be interested in. All your relationships will be better for it.
I love reading through old journals; they teach me so much about myself. Recently I was flipping through one from 2012, the year that I started this blog. Around that time, I was fascinated by the work of Tantra-inspired sex educators like Jaiya and Barbara Carrellas. In keeping with their focus on maximizing pleasure in one’s life, I started keeping a “pleasure log” in my journal.
A typical entry would first describe a sexual fantasy, porn clip, or erotica story that had turned me on, and why I’d found it so sexy. Then I’d go on to describe the ways I’d touched myself (or, more rarely, invited a partner to touch me), the sex toy(s) I’d used, and what my orgasm had felt like. I would often make these notes while lazing around in the sweet afterglow; one could say it was self-administered aftercare in written form.
I didn’t stick with the pleasure-logging habit for very long, probably because my regular journal entries tend to be quite pleasure-focused anyway (as you might expect from me, a self-indulgent Taurus foodie/professional masturbator!). But I still think it’s a fabulous practice that many people could benefit from. The internet can be a helpful resource when you’re seeking answers to publicly knowable sex questions, like which fetish club in Berlin is best, or which dominatrix Melbourne ranks most highly – but when it comes to questions about yourself and your own psychology, it’s likeliest that the answers lie within.
In your pleasure diary, you could document masturbation sessions like I did, or you could take a broader approach and write down any kind of pleasure you encounter throughout your day, from bluebird song on your morning walk, to a silly conversation with a friend, to a stellar glass of wine over dinner. The more that you practice noticing these things, the easier it will be to spot ’em and enjoy ’em.
Whether you call it a pleasure diary or give it a snappier name that suits you better, I think there are a few key reasons you should consider documenting experiences that feel good:
1. Savoring
As sexologist Emily Nagoski describes in her great book Come Together, “savoring” is a science-backed positive psychology technique that helps you enjoy pleasure more deeply and remember it more vividly. Put simply, it’s a mindfulness-based practice of noticing pleasure when it comes up, appreciating it, and maybe even remarking aloud on it (“This feels so good!”) or expressing your enjoyment through laughter, moans, giggles, or however else feels most natural. It can take practice to get good at savoring pleasure, especially for those of us who were raised in sex-shamey environments – and keeping a written log of your most pleasurable moments is a fun way to practice this skill.
2. Self-care
I don’t know about you, but when I’m depressed, sick, or low-energy, I almost forget pleasure even exists, or that there’s any way for me to access it. So it’s helpful to have a big long list I can look at, which reminds me of the foods, drinks, albums, movies, scents, and other sensory pleasures that have reliably made me smile before. Even if you document strictly sexual pleasures in your log, it’ll still be useful to have a list of fantasies, porn clips, sex toy techniques, etc. that you know you can depend on, especially when stress totally tanks your libido.
3. Sharing
Whether or not you currently have (or want) a sexual partner, it’s possible – nay, probable – that someday you will meet a new person with whom you want to share sensory pleasures, sexual or otherwise. And when that day comes, you’ll be glad to have gotten so deeply in touch with what brings you pleasure, because your self-knowledge can be shared with other people to help them give you more pleasure. Likewise, there’s a lot you can learn about their pleasure preferences by asking them what they liked about their most pleasurable past experiences, provided you’re comfortable hearing about that.
Dear readers, have you ever kept any sort of pleasure diary? Have you found it useful and/or illuminating?
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
