How-To

4 Ways to Bring a Little More Gay Into Your Life

Kate Sloan

As the Pride festival nears, I’m spending a lot of time pondering my queerness. Specifically, where my queerness fits into my life as a person in a “straight” relationship.

Being bisexual has always been a bit of a struggle for me, identity-wise, because ever since I came out I’ve always hated the idea of being mistaken for straight or gay (both of which have happened to me countless times). I wish people would just “read” me as bi, but it rarely seems to happen.

And now that I’ve been dating a man for over two years, and have a gender presentation that’s as cis and femme as ever, it seems my queerness always gets lost in the shuffle. Even in queer spaces, I don’t always feel understood or seen. I’ve gotten booed for kissing my boyfriend at Pride events, I’ve had people try to explain basic LGBTQ concepts to me as if they’d be totally foreign to my mind, I’ve had people give me stares that say “What are you doing here?” It makes me sad.

Bleeding-heart complaints aside, I know that there are other people who feel the way I do – people whose identity straddles some line(s) between hetero and queer, and who feel skewered on that fence. Here are some suggestions for how you can re-access the gay side of yourself, if you’re feeling like you’ve lost it a little bit.

1. Volunteer for an LGBTQ organization. There is surely one in your area, so get Googlin’! I’m using the word “organization” broadly here – you could do fundraising at your local nonprofit, get in contact with school administrators to see if you can help set up GSAs, join the street team for your city’s Pride festival, or even see if your local LGBT yoga group needs help washing mats. It can be enormously nourishing to meet new people from your community and to do good work for that community. (And baby, if you ain’t got no time, maybe you could give some money instead.)

2. Consume queer media. If you do this already, do it more! Some recommendations: books by S. Bear Bergman and Ivan Coyote, porn by Courtney Trouble and Shine Louise Houston, documentaries about the LGBT community, and The L Word in its entirety.

3. Wear a queer talisman. Granted, plenty of LGBT folks think it’s tacky as hell to wear a rainbow bracelet or gay suspenders or what have you. But, honestly, when I’m going into a situation where I absolutely do not want people to mistake me for straight, sometimes it makes me feel a whole lot better to adorn myself in one or two loud-and-queer accessories. My talisman of choice is usually my rainbow wristband – it goes with every outfit!

4. Re-read old journals/blog posts/love letters from when you had your first same-sex crush. Remember how weird that felt? How scared and yet excited you were? Remember all the concerns these new feelings raised for you – how/when/whether to come out, what label(s) fit you best, what it all meant? Those seminal experiences paved your path into a queer identity and (hopefully) community, so they’re worth revisiting if you’re feeling a little cloudy on those topics.

I know there will inevitably be people who want to tell me something like, “Just be who you are! It doesn’t matter whether people think you’re straight or whether you’ve ‘got enough gay in your life.’ Just live your life.” And they’re right, to a certain extent… but hey, queer folks should know better than anyone that sometimes you gotta engage in some self-care in order to feel okay about how people are reacting to you. And this is some of mine.

Photo credit: Sue Maguire.

Happy Clitoral Awareness Week!

Kate Sloan

Yes, folks – today marks the start of International Clitoris Awareness Week. It’s time to appreciate the clits in your life! Here are some suggestions for activities this week…

Masturbate clitorally. For some vagina-havers, this is like remedial masturbation, because they’ve moved on to incorporating penetration and other things into their sessions. When was the last time you had a purely clitoral orgasm? Why not revisit them and see how they feel different to you now?

For bonus points, stimulate your clit in a way you haven’t in a long time. For me, that means getting into my bathtub, putting my legs up against the wall, and letting the stream of water fall on my clit. It’s an oldie but a goodie!

Educate someone about the clit. Be a clitoral evangelist! Internet forums are a great place to do this, especially male-dominated sex-focused ones, because so many men (and even women) don’t know how central the clit is to female sexuality. That’s the reason sex forums get zillions of submissions from people who can’t understand why vaginal orgasms aren’t magically happening when they have intercourse. Set someone straight!

If your partner is the one who needs education about your clit, this would be a great week to do it. Explain your clit to your partner if you haven’t been brave enough to do so before.

Look at a diagram of the whole clitoris (see above). Check out the crura (legs) and bulbs. Isn’t it amazing that most people think the clit is just this little nub on the outside of the body? Isn’t it amazing that it’s so much more than that?

If you really want to get creative, try to stimulate your internal clitoris. Some people find rumbly penetrative vibrators work best for this; some think the G-spot is actually part of the internal clit so regular G-spot wands can do the trick. You could also try just using your fingers, or even massaging around your vulva to see if you can access it externally with a good amount of pressure.

Name your clitoris. This feels pretty silly but it can be fun. My ex-girlfriend and I gave names to my clit and her tongue, almost like code words, and it made us feel like cunnilingus spies!

Look at your pussy in a mirror. Preferably one of those magnifying mirrors, with a really good lamp aimed at your junk treasure. Pull back your clit hood and get a good look at what’s underneath. It’s beautiful and it is full of so much astonishing pleasure potential!

Try a clit-focused meditative exercise. When I was a kid, my mom had a book about sexual fantasies that I used to steal and pore over, and it recommended an exercise where you imagine warm honey (or some other viscous substance) slowly filling up your breasts and the various components of your pussy. Sounds weird, but try it with your eyes closed and with utmost focus – it’s great for helping you stay mentally present, whether or not you choose to actually progress to sexual stimulation afterward.

Stimulate your clit in a way that’s new to you. Hot tub jet? Teddy bear’s arm? Heel of your foot, if you’re flexible? Grinding on something firm? Be playful and experiment!

How do you plan on celebrating Clitoris Awareness Week?

How to Introduce Your Friend to the Wonderful World of Sex Toys

Kate Sloan

My network of friends is pretty familiar with the fact that I’m a sex toy aficionado. As a result, lots of them have asked me, over the years, to take them on their first-ever visit to a sex shop so they could buy their first-ever sex toy.

Working in the sexuality industry, you quickly learn (if you didn’t already know) that sex is a deeply personal and often embarrassing topic for many people. This is why, with rare exceptions, most of the people I’ve taken on their first sex shop visit have been really shy about it and have required some extra care and help on my part.

Here are some of my best suggestions for helping a friend (or even a family member) through the tricky but very rewarding experience of picking out a first sex toy in person!

1. Don’t judge them.
This is maybe the most important thing. If they say they want a set of anal beads, don’t make a weird face. If they’re hankering after a super realistic dildo, don’t judge their cock preferences. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to tell someone what sexy object you’ve been fantasizing about, so your reaction should always be, “Great! I’ll help you find one of those.” And then smile and follow through on your promise.

2. Help them set a realistic budget.
Many people don’t know that sex toys (at least, decent ones that won’t burn your innards) are an investment. Once you’ve established what kind of toy your friend is looking for, give them an accurate estimate of how much they can expect to spend on such an item. If necessary, remind them that they don’t have to buy it right away, that they can take some time to save up the money if they need to, and that it’ll be worth the extra cash.

3. Gently steer them away from shitty toys.
Sometimes, you’ll take a friend to a sex shop and they’ll inexplicably make a beeline for a jelly rabbit or some such monstrosity. As a mentor of sorts, it’s your responsibility to make sure they don’t get anything with phthalates in it; ideally, you would also school them on why nonporous toys are best. It’s also useful to draw on your own experience with toys, to make sure they don’t buy one that just isn’t very good!

4. Recommend something appropriate for a beginner.
Things I would say are not appropriate for most beginners: a dual-stimulation vibrator, a giant butt plug, or a mega-textured glass dildo. Things that are appropriate for most beginners: a standardly-shaped vibrator that can be used in lots of different ways, or a small-to-medium plug or dildo. Beginners to sex toys (especially those who also haven’t had sex before) often don’t know exactly what kind of stimulation they prefer, so it’s best to get something versatile.

5. Help them pick out a good lube if necessary.
This is basic stuff, but it’s important. If their new toy is silicone, don’t let them buy a silicone-based lube. If they have a vagina, keep them away from lubes containing glycerin and parabens. Or just keep things simple and hand them a bottle of Sliquid.

6. Stay close, but give them time alone too.
Sometimes a friend is so nervous that you have to stand with them the whole time they’re trying to choose a toy. I also find, though, that there’s usually a moment where you feel this “vibe” (ha ha) from the person that they want you to walk away for a minute. Just go across the store and fondle the Fleshlights for a little while. Your friend might need to feel like they’re alone so they can grope toys without feeling like they’re being watched in an intimate act.

7. Be ready to interact with the sales staff for them.
The first time I took a friend to a sex shop, she was so shy that she literally whispered the entire time. Obviously, I had to step in. In a sex shop, you often have to show the sales clerk which toy you want, so they can go grab you one from the storage room – and that can be an awkward moment for first-time toy buyers. Read their body language to see if they need help, or just step up to the plate and do it. They’ll be grateful.

8. Don’t be creepy.
When you help someone pick out a sex toy, sometimes there’s an urge to ask them a few days later, “So, how are you liking it?” This is a weird thing to ask, as well-intentioned as it might be. They’ll probably bring it up if they want to tell you about it – but if they don’t, you gotta respect that. You don’t get to be privy to their solo sex life just because you helped facilitate one part of it.

Have you ever introduced a friend to sex toys? How did it happen? Did it go well?

Girly Juice’s Guide to Bacterial Vaginosis

Kate Sloan

UGHHH! I hate having BV. I really, really do. I was chatting to my boyfriend about it and started to say, “It is truly one of the worst things that can happen to a vagina,” but then I started thinking about the things that humans do to vaginas (which I can’t go into without a trigger warning) and realized that the things our own bodies do to our vaginas are perhaps not that bad after all.

However. To borrow a gross turn of phrase, bacterial vaginosis sucks donkey balls. And I recently cured myself of it (for the time being?!) with at-home remedies rather than seeing my doctor for antibiotics, so I thought I’d write up a little guide for you lovely people about how you can do that too.

Disclaimer: I am not, in any way, a medical professional. All the advice in this post was gathered from online sources and my own experiments. Use this information at your own risk!

First of all… What the hell is BV?

It’s essentially the result of a bacterial imbalance in the vagina. The good bacteria, which naturally produce hydrogen peroxide to keep the vaginal environment healthfully acidic, lose some kind of battle (see below for ways that this may happen) and then the bad bacteria overpower your poor innocent vagina, wreaking havoc and making your pussy miserable.

You may have BV if…

• You’re experiencing typical symptoms of a urinary tract infection (a burning sensation when you pee, and the persistent feeling of needing to pee) but typical UTI cures aren’t helping.

• Your vaginal discharge smells different – fishy and strong, but not bread-like (that would be a yeast infection, which I can’t advise you on because I’ve never had one).

• It hurts a lot more than usual to be vaginally penetrated. This is often a burning pain.

• Your vagina feels generally sore and unhappy.

What causes BV? Well, anything that causes a bacterial imbalance in the vagina. This may include…

• Wearing underwear, pants, or other lower-body clothing that is too tight and restrictive. Prevent this by wearing looser-fitting clothes on your bottom half, and switching to 100% cotton underwear.

• Getting fecal bacteria in the vagina. Yecch. Always wipe from front to back, don’t wear thongs, and don’t let anything touch your vagina/vulva that’s recently been near an ass.

• Washing your vagina with soap. Some people can handle mild soaps; others can’t handle any at all. Please remember that the vagina is self-cleaning so all you need to do is rinse it with water and a washcloth.

• Leaving an object in your vagina for too long. This could be a menstrual cup, a set of kegel balls, or anything else that gets held in your vag for more than a few hours at a time. You need to take that shit out and wash it every few hours or bacteria will accumulate on it and fuck up your natural chemistry.

• Putting a dirty object or substance inside your vagina. This should be an obvious one. Keep your sex toys clean, don’t use shitty porous sex toys, don’t have sex with anyone who looks like they were recently rolling around in a pigsty, don’t use saliva as lube, and wash your hands before you do any fingerfucking.

• Plain bad luck. Some people are chronic BV sufferers for mysterious reasons. The above precautions may help, as can changing your diet and overall lifestyle, but there are some unknown factors at play for some people.

How do you cure it?

From what I’ve been reading online, it looks like there are 3 basic steps to fixing your vagina when it’s been hit with BV.

1. Kill off the bad bacteria.

2. Re-acidify the vagina.

3. Re-populate with good bacteria.

You will need…

• Hydrogen peroxide. I used a 3% concentration and that worked fine, though if your vagina is very sore and sensitive, you may want to dilute it with water.

• A syringe (the kind used for administering liquid medication to children) or another tool for getting liquid into your vagina, such as an empty/clean douche or even a turkey baster (again, please make sure it’s CLEAN).

• Acidophilus capsules. These should contain at least 10 million active colony-forming cultures of acidophilus, ideally more (I used one that contains 0.4 billion). It can be hard to find capsules that contain just acidophilus; it’s okay if these have other kinds of probiotics in them, as long as they don’t contain any weird additives like sugar, dye, or cranberry extract.

• Apple cider vinegar. (By my estimation, this is optional, though you can spring for it if you want to be really thorough.)

Here’s how to do it:

1. Douche with hydrogen peroxide. This kills off the bad bacteria and helps to balance the vagina’s pH. Use the syringe to insert about two tablespoons. Lie on your back and leave it in for about 3 minutes. It may sting a bit. If this is truly painful, dilute the hydrogen peroxide next time.

2. Then, douche with apple cider vinegar. This re-acidifies the vagina. I’m not convinced that this step is necessary, as I feel that the hydrogen peroxide does some re-acidifying as well – plus, vinegar burns like a bitch. If you decide to do this, I strongly recommend that you dilute the vinegar at least 2:1, or even just pour some into your bathwater instead.

3. Before bed, insert an acidophilus capsule. Cut it open or make some holes in it, so that the powder inside can get out. Shove it up as far as you can, so it’ll stay in all night. If it doesn’t come out on its own the next day, you should remove it yourself (I’ve been using my Fun Wand!).

4. Repeat every day until your symptoms are gone. This isn’t like a prescription medication; you shouldn’t continue to do it “just for good measure” if your symptoms are already gone, or you risk over-acidifying your vag, which can lead to its own host of problems. Try to leave at least a couple of hours between the douches and the capsule, so you won’t overload your poor vag.

This worked for me and apparently it’s been successful for others. What home remedies do you use for vaginal issues?

Top 5 Winter Sex Saviours

Kate Sloan

If you’re in the northern hemisphere, be very, very afraid: winter is coming!

I don’t know about you, but I truly hate being cold. Not only does it make me miserable, but it tends to suck the libido right out of me – because who wants to shiver uncomfortably throughout an activity that’s supposed to be hot and fun? Not me.

As a girl who lives on the icy third floor of a house in Canada, here are my top tips for keeping warm while having sex in the wintertime.

1. A good duvet. The great thing about duvets is that they work by reflecting your body heat back at you – so actually, I find that they work best when I’m naked! And of course, this effect is doubled if there’s another naked body under the duvet with me. Goose or duck down is standard, and super warm, but if you hate the thought of using an animal for personal gain, they make artificial varieties as well.

2. Socks or slippers. I know, I know. Wearing socks during sex is seen as pretty much the dorkiest thing ever. I don’t give a fuck. Studies show that having cold feet cuts your chances of reaching orgasm, and I’ve found this to be true. Frankly, no one’s looking at my feet during sex anyway!

Socks are extra important when you’re receiving oral sex, because you can’t exactly cover yourself in the duvet and leave your partner to suffocate underneath. My standard trick is to wrap only my upper body in the duvet, and wear warm socks (double- or triple-layered, if necessary). My thighs and calves might get a little chilly, but that’s not a big deal.

3. A space heater. I’m told that these are bad for the environment, because they use a lot of energy, so I do my best to use them sparingly. I’ll turn on my little space heater for about an hour, with the door closed to lock in the heat, and then turn it off to save power. The room stays warm-ish for another couple of hours, and it makes a huge difference.

You can even have sex next to the heater, if you’re really freezing… but be aware that this might dry out your condom, if you’re using one, potentially leading to breakage.

4. Fairy lights, also known as Christmas lights. You know, those ones that you string up on your tree in December? I don’t have strong feelings about Christmas trees, but I do love the lights. They’re dim, sweet, romantic. Even if there’s a snowstorm going on outside, my bedroom feels somehow quaint and welcoming if it’s adorned in fairy lights.

(Even better? Wrap your naked body in a string of lights and wait for your partner to get home!)

5. Massage oil. I’m a fan of sensual massages, either as foreplay or after-play, and I don’t know about you, but massages are more of a winter thing than a summer thing for me.

You can use straight-up massage oil warmed up in your hands, or if you’re reeeeal smooth, you can have a candle or a bowl of warm water at the ready to help you heat the bottle of oil before you use it. The contrast of cool air and a partner’s warm hands is almost too impossibly sexy to handle. And relaxing, too!

What are your favorite tricks for staying sexy in the wintertime?