How-To

Adventures in Multiple Orgasms

Kate Sloan

I’m only in my early twenties but sometimes I feel like my sexual function is already going downhill.

When I first learned to masturbate to completion as a child, I usually had at least two orgasms per bathtime jerk-off session – sometimes as many as four. When I became sexually active at sixteen, my partner and I would have marathon sessions in which I’d have up to five orgasms, solely from oral and maybe a little finger penetration. These figures amaze me when I look back at them now, but I have journal entries and meticulously-kept orgasm charts to prove they’re true. (Uh, I was a weird kid.)

See, I’m a pretty mono-orgasmic person these days, meaning that I’m a one-and-done kind of gal. I can continue having sex after I get off, and I usually do, but I don’t want to come any more. It always just seems like too much work, both for me and for my partner.

Once in a while, my boyfriend will manage to coax me into going for a second orgasm. After getting me off orally, he’ll wander around the periphery of my vulva, letting it calm down a little – and then he’ll slowly meander back toward my clit. And with a lot of sweating, muscle-tensing, and heavy breathing from both of us, sometimes we can conjure an orgasm numero dos. After about 40 minutes. Maybe.

But this sucks. As a woman, I’ve internalized the idea that multiple orgasms are my birthright and set me apart from men (despite the fact that my boyfriend has actually been known to get off twice per session). So, in my desire to expand my capacity for pleasure and to feel more like a “normal” woman, I’ve been practicing my multiple orgasms. I’ve been bringing myself off and then pushing through my feelings of reluctance, exhaustion and satisfaction until I get to the second orgasm on the other side. And it’s working.

Incase you were wondering, here are some of my best tips on how one-and-done chicks can turn themselves into multi-orgasmic powerhouses:

1. Start soft and small; then, increase stimulation from there. If I use a Hitachi for my first orgasm, there’s little chance of me having a second one, because I’ll be numb by then. I like to start with as little stimulation as possible – maybe a small or medium dildo in my vag and just my fingers on my clit – and then increase the amount of stimulation with each subsequent orgasm, to ensure it’ll happen. I save jackhammer vibes and giant dildos for late in the game, when I need something extra to push me over the edge.

2. Increase mental stimulation too. I am not normally one to fantasize, nor do I watch porn or read erotica all that often. But if I’m going to attempt to have a zillion orgasms, my mind needs to be engaged along with my body, or it just won’t work. Lately I’m obsessed with explicit New Girl fanfiction, but whatever gets you hot is fine, obviously. It’s a whole lot easier for me to reach orgasm, even my third or fourth one, if I’m watching Dylan Ryan plough somebody or reading killer erotica or, uh, fantasizing about Nick Miller. (Whatever, man, don’t judge!)

3. Don’t dive right back into it. Ugh – nothing turns me off faster than trying to attack my clit when I’ve just had an orgasm. I’m all like, “Ow! Fuck! What?! No!” and then I feel like I never want to touch myself again. Refractory periods are a reality and it’s important to be aware of how long yours typically lasts. Mine is usually about a minute or two, so if I can keep my sexual energy up during that time without actually touching my clit, I’ll be golden.

4. Make sure you’re awake and alert. Orgasms make most people feel kind of sleepy; it’s all those yummy neurotransmitters coming out to play. And while that’s nice for insomniacs and post-sex cuddlers, it’s not the most convenient thing for those of us who want to keep going after we get off. So pick a time when you’re feeling well-rested and ready to face the day, not a time when one lousy orgasm could obviously lead you into dreamland.

Can you have multiple orgasms? Did you have to learn how to do it, or did it come naturally? Any words of wisdom for those of us trying to learn?

How to Wake Up Your G-Spot: A Beginner’s Guide

Kate Sloan

I have a lot of qualms with the emphasis our culture places on penis-in-vagina sex. I know it’s how babies are made, obviously, so it’s considered the quintessential straight sex act – but I think women really get the short end of the stick on that one.

Most of us can’t have orgasms from penetration alone. Many of us feel too embarrassed – either because of our own insecurities or because of things our partners have actually said – to stimulate our own clits during sex. And some of us, beyond being unable to orgasm during PIV sex, don’t even get any pleasure out of it at all.

I used to be a member of that last group, and it made me feel defective and disappointed. So I started doing some research and experimentation to figure out how to make my G-spot feel pleasure even without getting my clit involved. Here’s what I learned – it won’t work for everybody, but it’s worth a shot.

Get a good G-spot toy. Hang tight, don’t use it yet – we’re going to talk about that in a minute. Just get your hands on one. I often recommend this one because it’s not too expensive and it’s made of firm, G-spot-loving glass. However, if money’s no object, the Pure Wand and Comet Wand are widely considered some of the best G-spot toys on the market.

While you’re shopping, you’ll also want to pick up a good, long-lasting, vagina-safe lube. For a glass or steel toy, you can use a silicone-based lube like Sliquid Silver; if your toy is silicone, you should use a thick water-based lube like Sliquid Organics Gel.

Empty your bladder and lay down a thick folded towel or two. Many folks find that G-spot stimulation feels like the urge to pee, especially when they’re just starting out. This is normal, so don’t get freaked out if it happens to you. But do make sure to lay down some towels so you can relax into the sensation. Nothing kills a mood faster than the sudden belief that you are going to wet your bed.

Partly for this reason, I also think it’s best if you start out doing this stuff on your own, as opposed to with a partner. Even if you have the most open-minded, non-judgmental partner in the world, another set of eyes could still make you feel vulnerable and ashamed under certain circumstances. Try it alone first until you’re used to how it feels, and then you can invite your partner to join the party if you want to.

Get yourself very turned on. Do this in a way that’s reliable for you: trusty clit vibe, favorite porn, etc. Get close to orgasm but don’t quite bring yourself there yet.

Slowly add G-spot stimulation. Lube up the toy you chose before and slide it in, while continuing to stimulate your clit. Try to focus on the feelings in your clit so you won’t get too disoriented or sidetracked by the new, foreign sensations in your G-spot.

Place your focus on the G-spot stimulation. I don’t know about you, but I usually have to concentrate pretty hard on what my clit is feeling in order to get off… except for occasional sessions where my focus shifts to my G-spot. These orgasms are always more intense for me.

Just notice the sensations in your G-spot and any pleasure you might be feeling. If you find this distracting rather than arousing, don’t despair; you can try again a week or a month from now when your G-spot will likely be more sensitive.

Try to reach orgasm at this point (if orgasm is a normal part of your masturbation sessions, and if you want to, that is). That way you can move onto the next step…

Try post-orgasm G-spot stimulation. The G-spot swells up during arousal, so it may reach its peak sensitivity right before or right after orgasm, when you’re most physically aroused. Experiment with different kinds of thrusts – hard and fast, slow and smooth, rocking back and forth, jagging in and out – and see if anything feels good.

After going through this process several times over the course of a few weeks or more, you may find that your body has started to make connections between G-spot sensations and sexual pleasure. Some people have this connection right off the bat, but some don’t, so this process is a good option if you need help sensitizing your G-spot.

Don’t get discouraged if you still can’t reach orgasm from G-spot stimulation alone. Most women can’t. Pleasure is pleasure, so as long as you’re enjoying yourself, you’re golden. Orgasms can happen in all sorts of ways, so there’s no reason to bully yourself into making it happen in one specific way.

More experienced readers: how did you “wake up” your G-spot?

How to Use a Hitachi Magic Wand Without Hating Every Minute Of It

Kate Sloan

I’m not the biggest fan of the Magic Wand. The vibrations are too strong, too sudden, and too surface-level. Many, many people rave about the famous Hitachi, and I am not one of them.

However. There are ways to adapt the Magic Wand to make it friendlier for people with vulvas like mine – people who prefer stimulation that is less numbing, less broad, and/or less jarring. Here are some tricks I’ve learned that work for me.

1. Warm up. You have to do it when you use big dildos so it makes sense to do it with powerhouse vibrators too. Try using a smaller vibe until you’re very turned on, and then switch to the big guns.

2. Use a fabric barrier. I usually use my Hitachi through my underwear and sometimes through my yoga pants too. Hell, if I’m on my period, I can even use it through a menstrual pad – it’s that strong. Stick some fabric between you and your wand and you may find it a lot more manageable. You can always remove those barriers later if you want a more direct sensation.

3. Get a penetrative attachment. Vixen Creations makes a beautiful silicone one, but it’s pricey, so you might want to start with a cheap porous one to make sure you like it. These attachments can be used for penetration, sure, but they also transform your Hitachi into a more pinpointed clit toy. You can focus the vibrations right onto your clit instead of having them spread over your whole vulva, and that might make it easier for you to get off with your wand.

4. Experiment with pressure. Some people need to press the wand hard against their vulva to feel anything at all. Some may have a better time if they hold the toy very, very lightly so it’s just barely grazing their genitals. Try out different amounts of pressure and see if you can find a way that works.

5. Experiment with placement. My favorite way to use my Hitachi, which I only just discovered a couple of weeks ago, is to hold it on one of my outer labia, so my clit only receives vibration via the skin next to it, and not from the wand directly. This feels really great and allows me to avoid a lot of the numbness I used to get from my Hitachi. Try positioning yours somewhere other than the place you’d normally put a vibrator; you might find a goldmine.

6. Use a dimmer switch. I do not officially recommend this, because the Hitachi isn’t meant to be used with a dimmer so you may experience electrical shorts or even electrical fires if you try it. But many people say that they wouldn’t be able to use their wand pleasurably if not for their dimmer.

7. Keep it moving. Leaving the Hitachi in one spot for too long can cause numbness. If you move it around your vulva – maybe in circles, maybe up and down, or maybe in a sporadic and unpredictable pattern of your choosing – you may escape most or all of that numbness.

What are your best Hitachi tips?

4 Ways to Bring a Little More Gay Into Your Life

Kate Sloan

As the Pride festival nears, I’m spending a lot of time pondering my queerness. Specifically, where my queerness fits into my life as a person in a “straight” relationship.

Being bisexual has always been a bit of a struggle for me, identity-wise, because ever since I came out I’ve always hated the idea of being mistaken for straight or gay (both of which have happened to me countless times). I wish people would just “read” me as bi, but it rarely seems to happen.

And now that I’ve been dating a man for over two years, and have a gender presentation that’s as cis and femme as ever, it seems my queerness always gets lost in the shuffle. Even in queer spaces, I don’t always feel understood or seen. I’ve gotten booed for kissing my boyfriend at Pride events, I’ve had people try to explain basic LGBTQ concepts to me as if they’d be totally foreign to my mind, I’ve had people give me stares that say “What are you doing here?” It makes me sad.

Bleeding-heart complaints aside, I know that there are other people who feel the way I do – people whose identity straddles some line(s) between hetero and queer, and who feel skewered on that fence. Here are some suggestions for how you can re-access the gay side of yourself, if you’re feeling like you’ve lost it a little bit.

1. Volunteer for an LGBTQ organization. There is surely one in your area, so get Googlin’! I’m using the word “organization” broadly here – you could do fundraising at your local nonprofit, get in contact with school administrators to see if you can help set up GSAs, join the street team for your city’s Pride festival, or even see if your local LGBT yoga group needs help washing mats. It can be enormously nourishing to meet new people from your community and to do good work for that community. (And baby, if you ain’t got no time, maybe you could give some money instead.)

2. Consume queer media. If you do this already, do it more! Some recommendations: books by S. Bear Bergman and Ivan Coyote, porn by Courtney Trouble and Shine Louise Houston, documentaries about the LGBT community, and The L Word in its entirety.

3. Wear a queer talisman. Granted, plenty of LGBT folks think it’s tacky as hell to wear a rainbow bracelet or gay suspenders or what have you. But, honestly, when I’m going into a situation where I absolutely do not want people to mistake me for straight, sometimes it makes me feel a whole lot better to adorn myself in one or two loud-and-queer accessories. My talisman of choice is usually my rainbow wristband – it goes with every outfit!

4. Re-read old journals/blog posts/love letters from when you had your first same-sex crush. Remember how weird that felt? How scared and yet excited you were? Remember all the concerns these new feelings raised for you – how/when/whether to come out, what label(s) fit you best, what it all meant? Those seminal experiences paved your path into a queer identity and (hopefully) community, so they’re worth revisiting if you’re feeling a little cloudy on those topics.

I know there will inevitably be people who want to tell me something like, “Just be who you are! It doesn’t matter whether people think you’re straight or whether you’ve ‘got enough gay in your life.’ Just live your life.” And they’re right, to a certain extent… but hey, queer folks should know better than anyone that sometimes you gotta engage in some self-care in order to feel okay about how people are reacting to you. And this is some of mine.

Photo credit: Sue Maguire.

Happy Clitoral Awareness Week!

Kate Sloan

Yes, folks – today marks the start of International Clitoris Awareness Week. It’s time to appreciate the clits in your life! Here are some suggestions for activities this week…

Masturbate clitorally. For some vagina-havers, this is like remedial masturbation, because they’ve moved on to incorporating penetration and other things into their sessions. When was the last time you had a purely clitoral orgasm? Why not revisit them and see how they feel different to you now?

For bonus points, stimulate your clit in a way you haven’t in a long time. For me, that means getting into my bathtub, putting my legs up against the wall, and letting the stream of water fall on my clit. It’s an oldie but a goodie!

Educate someone about the clit. Be a clitoral evangelist! Internet forums are a great place to do this, especially male-dominated sex-focused ones, because so many men (and even women) don’t know how central the clit is to female sexuality. That’s the reason sex forums get zillions of submissions from people who can’t understand why vaginal orgasms aren’t magically happening when they have intercourse. Set someone straight!

If your partner is the one who needs education about your clit, this would be a great week to do it. Explain your clit to your partner if you haven’t been brave enough to do so before.

Look at a diagram of the whole clitoris (see above). Check out the crura (legs) and bulbs. Isn’t it amazing that most people think the clit is just this little nub on the outside of the body? Isn’t it amazing that it’s so much more than that?

If you really want to get creative, try to stimulate your internal clitoris. Some people find rumbly penetrative vibrators work best for this; some think the G-spot is actually part of the internal clit so regular G-spot wands can do the trick. You could also try just using your fingers, or even massaging around your vulva to see if you can access it externally with a good amount of pressure.

Name your clitoris. This feels pretty silly but it can be fun. My ex-girlfriend and I gave names to my clit and her tongue, almost like code words, and it made us feel like cunnilingus spies!

Look at your pussy in a mirror. Preferably one of those magnifying mirrors, with a really good lamp aimed at your junk treasure. Pull back your clit hood and get a good look at what’s underneath. It’s beautiful and it is full of so much astonishing pleasure potential!

Try a clit-focused meditative exercise. When I was a kid, my mom had a book about sexual fantasies that I used to steal and pore over, and it recommended an exercise where you imagine warm honey (or some other viscous substance) slowly filling up your breasts and the various components of your pussy. Sounds weird, but try it with your eyes closed and with utmost focus – it’s great for helping you stay mentally present, whether or not you choose to actually progress to sexual stimulation afterward.

Stimulate your clit in a way that’s new to you. Hot tub jet? Teddy bear’s arm? Heel of your foot, if you’re flexible? Grinding on something firm? Be playful and experiment!

How do you plan on celebrating Clitoris Awareness Week?