Love & Relationships

How to Celebrate your Breakupiversary

Kate Sloan

Holy shit, y’all: as of today, it’s been an entire year since the end of my last, longest relationship. It’s cliché, but it really feels like so much more time has passed than actually has. My reality has shifted, my identity has transformed. I am very much no longer that girl who blubbered her way through a break-up speech after months upon months of waffling.

However, not being sad about a break-up anymore doesn’t mean it completely fades into the history of your life. The anniversary of a relationship ending can still feel momentous and significant. I’m sentimental and I like to celebrate milestones as they pass, if just because it encourages personal growth. So here are some ways you could celebrate your “breakupiversary” if you feel like you want to…

Invite friends. Make it an event.

Your friends probably saw you through the break-up and the relationship itself. They remember how it affected you, what it meant to you. So they’re the perfect people to help you laugh about it, forget it, and move on from it.

Most of the suggestions below can be accomplished just as well with friends as they could if you were alone. How fun it would it be to put together an itinerary for a break-up party and email a detailed invitation to your nearest and dearest? The event could even have a dress code, like all black (for mourning), all bright colors (for optimism), or “wear something your ex hated.” Amazing!

Ceremonially destroy something.

The traditional way to do this is by burning: you could make a bonfire for the destruction of old letters and photos, or you could get witchy like Gala and burn that shit in a miniature cauldron.

If burning isn’t feasible for you, because it’s illegal, dangerous, or just unappealing, there are other ways to destroy old mementos. You could tear them up and throw them away, stomp on them, toss them in a body of water (if they’re biodegradable), or run them through a shredder. You could use them as the basis for an art journal spread, or shove the remnants into the bottom of a planter that you then fill with soil and a seedling, as a symbolic gesture that you’re movin’ on up.

Replace something that reminds you of your ex.

I know you have some object in your house that, every time it catches your eye, takes you to a dark place, even if it’s just for a second. It could be a perfume that smells like your first date, a stuffed animal your ex won for you at a carnival, or a sleep shirt you “accidentally” stole from him when the relationship ended.

Whatever it is, you should find a decent – better, in fact – replacement for that thing. Ideally, bring a friend or two on the shopping expedition when you do this, so there will be fun and funny memories attached to your new acquisition from the get-go.

Make a list of reasons your current life is better than it was during that past relationship.

I bet you can come up with like a zillion reasons.

Put on an angry/triumphant/sweet-ass playlist.

8Tracks has some good break-up ones. They might be a bit mopey for this celebratory occasion, though. “Emotionally Intense ’90s Women” is my favorite playlist for when I feel like being ridiculous and angry (thank you to the friend who turned me onto this playlist when my cat died and I just needed to scream along to Alanis). Anything that ignites that “hell hath no fury like a woman[/man/non-binary person] scorned” feeling in your gut is a good pick.

Dig out old journals and read them dramatically.

If your friends aren’t around for this part, hop on Periscope and do it there. You really need some kind of audience for this one (although, admittedly, I have spent many an afternoon re-reading my old journals by myself and absolutely guffawing over how silly past-me was).

If you’re in a boozy mood, you can make this into a drinking game. You know what your patterns are in relationships, so you’re best equipped to create the rules of your own game. But, for me, I’d probably take a shot every time I used the word “compatible,” wrote about a sex session in greater-than-necessary detail, or complained about a problem that could have been solved by better communication. Yawn. (Boozin’ aside, though: laughing at old diary entries is one of the best-ever ways to turn a sad situation into a funny one. You’ll feel so much lighter once you’ve cackled at your own misery.)

Have sex.

So many options! You could stay in and have sex with yourself. You could get it on with your current partner, if you have one, and reflect on what a better sexual match they are for you than your ex was. You could get your ass on OkCupid or Tinder and find a hookup for the night, and use that stranger-wang/stranger-tang to exorcise your break-up demons. You could finally ask out that cute friend of yours for whom you’ve had the hots for ages. You could sign up for a cam site and jerk off for horny randos (this is especially effective if your ex would have hated you doing this).

We all move on from break-ups at different paces. If you – like me until recently – have been stuck in a dry spell since your relationship ended, it might be enormously healing for you to get back out there and get laid. It’s kind of one of those “you won’t learn to swim until someone pushes you into the pool” situations, except you have to be the person to push yourself into that pool. The confidence you gain from even one decent fuck will help propel you forward into more. Break-ups can decimate your self-image, but there are ways to deal with that, and sex is a fabulous one.

Dream up an ideal partner.

Grab a big sheet of paper. At the top, write a phrase that stirs romantic feelings in your heart, like “DREAM LOVER” or “MR. SO SO RIGHT” or “BANG-BUDDY EXTRAORDINAIRE.”

Then make a list of all the qualities that matter to you in a partner. They can be physical, mental, emotional. They can be hobbies and activities that person would love, interests they’d have, goals and ambitions that’d be on their bucket list. You can refer to pieces of celebrities and exes you particularly like: “Jack Black’s sense of humor,” “Emma Stone’s smile,” “high school girlfriend’s confidence,” “college boyfriend’s nerdiness.” If you’re artistically inclined, you can draw or collage some imagery into this spread, to amp up the lovey feelings you get when you look at it.

Now look over your whole page and let the feelings well up in you. Imagine how it would actually feel to meet that person, to flirt with them, kiss them, fuck them, hold their hand in public, laugh hysterically with them, cry on their shoulder, fall asleep in their arms. Let those images feel real and seem attainable – because they are attainable and they will be real, my love.

Whether you believe this type of visualization makes magic or just feels good, the fact remains: you need to convince yourself of your inherent value, and of your ability to attract better and better relationships into your life. I think visualizing your dream partner would be an amaaaazing way to cap off a breakupiversary party, because it would set your sights on the future – right where you oughta be looking.

 

Have you ever celebrated or commemorated the anniversary of a break-up? How did you do it?

Why – and How – to Show Someone You Like Them

Kate Sloan

A good percentage of my posts emerge from revelations I have while journaling. I’ll blather on about a problem for pages at a time, and suddenly, the answer becomes crystal clear and spills out of my pen, almost of its own volition.

I had one of those recently, and it was the dumbest, most obvious thing: when you like someone, it is okay to act like you like them. Fuck what John Lennon says: you don’t have to hide that shit away.

See, when I was in high school, I got rejected by someone I really, really liked. This is a totally common, normal experience – especially for men, who are socialized to be romantic and sexual initiators – but something about this particular rebuff really messed up my flirt-o-meter. I see now that after that letdown, I deeply internalized the idea that if you show romantic or sexual interest for someone, and they don’t return those feelings, they will be grossed out by your advances. They will lose their esteem for you and want to avoid you as much as possible. In short, you will have fucked up whatever scrap of a relationship you had with them previously.

Of course, there are cases where this is true… like if you’re being genuinely inappropriate, or if the person in question has been burned by a creepy suitor before. But for the most part, everyone likes to feel liked and wanted and so you’re not going to horrify anyone by acting slightly-more-than-friendly in their direction. (With the caveat, obviously, that you put an immediate stop to that shit if they tell you to.)

Pre-epic-rejection, I was a lot better at this. I frequently told people they were cute, purely because I thought so and thought it’d make them happy to know that. I didn’t get anxiety about whether or not it was “too much” to favorite people’s Instagram selfies and clever tweets. I didn’t phrase my texts in the most benign, noncommittal way possible.

The other day, I got waaaay overanalytical while composing a message to someone I like, and it hit me: why am I trying to act like I don’t like this person? If anything, I want him to know I like him – not only because that will help move things forward more quickly but also because I know it will make him smile. Who doesn’t want to feel desirable and desired?

It will probably take some more practice before I fully get this idea through my head, and get back to being flirt-happy the way I was in high school. For my benefit as much as yours, here are some low-risk, high-reward ways to fawn over your crush without weirding them out…

 

Give them a really good compliment.

Like, the kind that is slightly above and beyond what you’d say to a friend or a random acquaintance you happen to admire. Compliment something that is integral to who they are, like their sense of humor, confidence, or charm. Or keep it classic and compliment a (non-sexual) part of their body, like their sparkling eyes, shiny hair or strong arms.

This kind of compliment pushes the boundaries of casual friendliness ever-so-gently. If they scrunch up their eyebrows and say, “…Thaaaanks?” then you’ll know to maybe dial it back a bit – but if they light up, blush, or giggle, that’s your green light, baby.

 

Make an effort.

When I want to figure out how someone feels about me, I pay attention to what they do, not what they say. People can spout all kinds of platitudes and excuses, but if they like you, they will make a consistent effort to reach out to you, make plans with you, and make you smile.

…Or at least, that’s how most non-shy folks operate. If you’re like me, your anxiety sometimes tricks you into thinking that the most innocuous of “What’s up?” texts or “Let’s get together!” DMs could be construed as overbearing. Unless you’re pestering the person with message after message, don’t fret – there’s no way they’re as annoyed as your anxiety-brain tells you they are. Drop ’em a line, ask them to hang out, keep in touch. Nothing can happen if you don’t keep those channels open.

 

Remember things they tell you.

“Hey, how did that late-night shift go? Was it as horrible as you thought it was gonna be?”

“I saw a trailer for a movie I thought you might like, because I know you’re a big Anchorman fan…”

“Did you end up buying that skirt you were thinking about getting?”

These are such mundane examples but I’m honestly getting a little swoony just contemplating them. It is so flattering when someone cares enough about you to remember the dull details you mention in passing. This tells them three things: 1) you are a good listener, 2) you find them interesting, and 3) you were thinking about them in the interim between your last meeting and your current one. You might as well be wearing an “I Like You!” sign on your chest… but this strategy is much more subtle than that. Win!

 

Touch them.

Okay, you gotta be able to read your audience on this one. Have some common social sense. I am not telling you to get touchy-feely with people who aren’t into it, or to cling onto someone the whole time you’re with them. But let’s be real… Those “flirting tips” you read in magazines for teen girls (no? just me?) are spot-on when they say that light, casual, occasional touch can act as a strong I-like-you signal without seeming strong.

Those magazines often say stuff like, “Lightly push his shoulder playfully when he makes a joke,” or “Reach out and touch his arm when you’re making a point.” I always used to read those tips and wonder how I could possibly make that kind of overture seem natural and non-weird. But now I’ve spent time around some terrific flirts and have discovered that this kind of touch can be played off in a natural way, and it also works a treat.

Touching someone gets their attention, gives them a little boost of happy neurotransmitters, and makes it that much easier to transition to other kinds of touching later (hugging, kissing, and on and on…) – so you should give it a shot, even if it feels awkward at first. (But, again, I need to stress: read the other person’s cues. Don’t get all up in the grill of someone who is clearly not into it. When in doubt, ask.)

 

Is this incredibly basic-level flirting advice? Probably. But I’m still a flirtation novice, even at age 23. I’m out of practice because I let myself learn a fear of being flirty. That’s gotta stop. People should know when I think they’re cute – if just because it might make their day a little happier.

What are your favorite ways to show someone you like them? Have you ever struggled with feeling it’s “not okay” to flirt?

 

5 Non-Boring Answers to “What’s Up?” When Nothing is Up

Kate Sloan

We’ve all been there. You get together with a friend who you haven’t seen in a little while, and they ask you, “So what’s up?” or, “What’s going on in your life?” or, “What have you been up to lately?” And your mind goes totally blank.

It’s not that your life is boring, but maybe there just hasn’t been a lot of drama lately. Everything’s kind of stayed the same. Nothing new to report.

Of course, the whole reason your friend asked you that question in the first place – aside from genuinely wanting to know how your life is going – is that they wanted to spark a conversation, and those standard questions are an easy way to do it.

So, with that in mind, here are five ways you can answer that question if you don’t have a “real” answer. Let me know how they work for you!

 

1. “Right now I’m obsessed with…”

In my journal-writing, I often talk about things that feel “emotionally significant” to me at the moment even if they’re not significant to my life in a tangible, physical sense.

You might be binge-watching a show on Netflix, fanatically following a particular news story, or ploughing through a delightful novel. You might have seen a rad YouTube video you want to ramble about, or maybe you just learned to cook a new meal and now you want to make it every damn day.

Whatever you’re fixated on at the moment, you don’t need to hide it away and look for something “more interesting” to talk about. Your friend is your friend for a reason. They’ll probably find your obsession charming. Or at least it’ll get a conversation started.

 

2. “Sometime soon, I’d like to…”

If nothing riveting is happening in your present, you can always talk about what’s gonna happen in your future.

For example, lately when friends ask me what I’m doing, my answer tends to include, “I think I might go on a trip to Newfoundland next year!” There’s nothing concrete about that, but it’s okay, because my friends still tend to find it interesting and it leads us into a conversation about travel, saving up, future plans, et cetera. That type of conversation is always exciting, even if none of our plans have officially been made yet!

 

3. “I was just thinking about that time that we…”

Just as projecting into your future can prompt fun conversations, so can reaching back into your past.

This can be especially enlightening with friends you’ve known for a long time. By talking about experiences you’ve shared, you strengthen your bond, and you can also reflect on how far both of you have come.

I have one friend who loves this type of conversation and approaches each one very thoughtfully. Some questions we’ll often ask each other as we talk about our past are, “What do you think you learned from that?” and “If you could do that over again, what would you do differently?” You can learn so much about your friend – and yourself! – by contemplating these questions together!

 

4. “This might seem small, but…”

If you haven’t got any “big” life updates to share, it’s perfectly fine to rattle off some small ones. You never know where you might find some common ground with a friend. They might have some advice for you, or they might be going through something similar.

Maybe you just installed a new TV in your house… or your ex-girlfriend posted something questionable on Facebook… or you ran into a former teacher. Whatever. It doesn’t need to be earthshattering. Your friend is your friend because, at least in part, they find you entertaining and pleasant – including your more mundane tales.

 

5. “Not much! So I think I need to…”

If you routinely find it difficult to answer when a friend asks you what’s going on, maybe that’s because you’re in a bit of a rut.

It’s totally okay to be happy with the status quo, but if you’re finding that you want to make some changes, maybe you can tell a friend that and see what suggestions they have for you.

If your job bores the fuck out of you, maybe it’s time to look for a new one. If your relationship feels stagnant, maybe you need to re-ignite it or call the whole thing off. If you’re feeling unchallenged across the board, maybe it’s time to learn a new skill or force yourself to try something new.

Your friend may be able to see a blind spot or destructive pattern that’s preventing you from moving forward, which is why it’s useful to have this type of conversation with a friend instead of just mulling it over inside your head.

 

I’m curious: how do you answer the “What’s going on in your life?” question if you don’t have much to say?

Ask These 3 Questions & You Might Fall In Love

Kate Sloan

Earlier this year, the New York Times wrote about 36 questions that strangers can supposedly ask each other, which will make them fall in love real quick. You alternate asking each other the questions until you’ve gone through all 36, and then you stare into each other’s eyes silently for four whole minutes. By the end of this process, you’re sure to feel more connected to the other person, if not full-on in love.

I was reminded of this article when I last went to Body Pride, because, in the midst of sharing all these intimate emotional details with one another, I started to feel like I was… kinda falling in love.

Those feelings haven’t particularly persevered, but then again, those aren’t people that I see very regularly. I think that if you developed a crush because of the deep and sudden intimacy fostered in environments like Body Pride, and then you kept spending time with the person on a semi-regular basis, those initial crush-y feelings would inevitably develop into something deeper.

My questions are different from the ones suggested in the NYT article, but they have the same aim. I think if you asked someone these questions, and really listened to their answers, some kind of magic would happen.

1. What are you passionate about?

I can’t imagine a sexier quality than enthusiasm. Everyone reaches their peak cuteness when they’re talking about something they find fascinating and exciting. It doesn’t matter if it’s fashion, photography, blogging, bowling, triathlons, trigonometry, web design or witchcraft: if it turns their crank, then watching them talk about it will be a delight.

True, a relationship might not have long-term legs if the other person’s passion bores you. But if you can’t get excited about the topic of their tirade, you can at least get excited about the way their eyes light up and a smile blooms across their face while they ramble at you about fancy stationery or rock operas or whatever.

2. What are you insecure about?

As a culture, we’re obsessed with the notion that confidence is attractive. And it’s true, it is. But that doesn’t mean insecurity is always a turn-off.

In fact, talking frankly about your insecurities requires confidence, or at least bravery. Whining about your least favorite body parts isn’t hot; projecting your own shit onto other people isn’t hot; refusing to take any risks in life because you hate yourself isn’t hot – but owning up to your issues? That’s hot. Especially if owning up to them makes you decide to actually do something about them.

In my life, I’ve only had maybe two or three really open, honest conversations with people about our mutual insecurities. And far from whiny or boring, it was revelatory. There is something incredibly powerful, for your own self-image and for your relationship, about discovering that other people have the same bullshit negative self-talk that you do. Like the NYT article says: “mutual vulnerability fosters closeness.”

3. What was the last thing that made you laugh really, really hard?

Occasionally someone will try to tell you a story or a joke, but they’ll start laughing so hard that they can’t even finish a sentence. Their face goes red, their voice gets hoarse, maybe some tears stream down their cheeks. They keep going back to the beginning of the sentence to try and get through it, but they just can’t, and it’s hilarious.

It’s also fucking adorable.

We all spend most of our time fairly stoic, moving through the world in a calm and orderly way, even if we’re total freaks and weirdos underneath. When you meet a new beau, it might take several dates – or even several months – before you really break through that crust of composure and get to the kooky good stuff underneath.

But if you ask them about the last time they laughed so hard they couldn’t breathe, and then they tell you that story… you’ll get a little preview of their zaniness. A glimpse of how it looks when they let loose, lose control, lose their shit. And that’s cute as fuck.

Bonus reading: Alexandra Franzen has some good lists of 100 questions to spark conversation and connection + 10 of the best first date questions ever.

Everyone I’ve Ever Fucked Is a Taurus

Kate Sloan

Do you ever make lists of all the unifying qualities of the people you’ve romanced and banged? Or am I the only resident of that particular neighborhood in Nerd-town?

I don’t know why it took me so long, given my penchant for list-making, to realize that both of the people I’ve had sex with are astrological Taureans. I’m a Taurus myself, so it really should have clicked sooner.

Whether or not you believe in astrology (and I’m certainly not sure about it, myself), what I know for certain is that both of those partners embodied all the classic Taurean traits, as do I. We’re fiercely loyal and trustworthy. We’re reliable; you can count on us. We’re creative, passionate, and hellbent on the finer things in life. On the other hand, we’re known to be stubborn, self-indulgent, lazy, and sometimes closed-minded.

How does this translate to the bedroom? Lots of different ways, I’m sure – Taureans aren’t a hive-mind. In my experience, though, Taurus-on-Taurus fucking is consistently and dependably good, but it can veer into the land of routines and ruts a little too easily.

You know those times when you’re trying to decide where to go for dinner, and you and your friend or partner keep asking each other, “Where do you want to go?” “Well, where do you want to go?” Neither one of you wants to rock the boat by suggesting something out-there or new. It may very well be that you’d both love to try that quirky Scandinavian bistro that just opened up down the road, but unless someone actually comes out and says that, it ain’t gonna happen.

That’s sort of what it’s been like when I’ve slept with other Taureans. I knew what I liked, I knew what my partner liked, we knew what had worked for us in the past and would continue to work for us – but we rarely went out on a limb and suggested something new.

I could happily eat steak and fries for dinner every night and not get sick of it. And I do mean every night, like, for at least a year. That’s also how I feel about certain sexual acts, like receiving oral and then getting fucked doggie-style. I could easily do that every time I have sex and it would take me a damn long time to start feeling bored. I know that’s true because I’ve lived it. When us Taureans found the routine that worked for us, we stuck to it pretty closely. And we liked it – that’s why it became a routine in the first place, after all – but we might’ve also liked other, different things, if we’d bothered to try them.

My best friend is a Sagittarius. Her sign is known to be adventurous, sometimes to the point of recklessness. That quality is one of my favorite things about her, and one of the reasons we’re so drawn to each other as friends. If she needs some Taurean comfort, she can come to me, and we’ll go to our favorite sushi restaurant and then maybe watch a movie we’ve seen 50 times before, and laugh at all the same jokes. But when I need a Sagittarian shake-up, she can help me with that. We’ll go explore a random ravine, or check out art galleries downtown, or get on a bus to Montreal.

I guess what I’m saying is… As much as I love other Taureans, and as familiar and comforting they feel to the very core of me, I don’t know if I want to fuck them anymore. At least, not the very Taurus-y Taureans like me. The sex is fantastic but it’s not an adventure. And I think it’s time I had some goddamn sexual adventures.

What are your thoughts on sexual astrology? Is there a particular sign with whom you tend to have amazing sex, or terrible sex? Is there a sign you tend to adore, or can’t stand?