Musings

7 Reasons Masturbation is the Safest Kind of Sex

Kate Sloan

I’m sure some of you read the headline of this post and thought, “Yeah, Kate, I was trapped inside alone for most of 2020 – I know all about the benefits of masturbation, thanks!!”

I hear you. And I’m grateful for any sacrifices you may have made in service of public health, even if sometimes those sacrifices came in the form of, say, staying home with your rabbit vibrator in lieu of hopping on Tinder to get inadvisably railed by an unvetted, unvaccinated stranger.

While 2020 had a lot of downsides (obviously), I think one minor silver lining is that so many people spent so much more time masturbating than they ordinarily would. It’s a great way to get to know oneself better sexually, and to focus on one’s own priorities, desires, and pleasure, in a world that sometimes makes that difficult. It’s also, as previously discussed, almost always the safer option than partnered sex – and not just during a global pandemic! Here are 7 reasons masturbation may just be the safest sex you’ll ever have…

 

1. You can’t contract or transmit an STI

Sexually transmitted infections are part and parcel of human sexuality. In a world where you can stock up on condoms at any drugstore and buy PrEP online, we’ve got a better handle on STIs than we did decades or centuries ago, but acquiring or transmitting an STI is still a risk of partnered sex nonetheless.

With STI stigma being gradually reduced by the hard work of sexual health activists, and effective medical treatments now available for most STIs, it’s true that many of us (especially those of us with financial privilege and no preexisting conditions) wouldn’t suffer nearly as many consequences from getting an STI nowadays as we would’ve in ages gone by. But it’s still nice to know that when you jerk off (provided your hands and toys are clean!), you likely won’t be jeopardizing your own health.

 

2. You can’t get pregnant

I’ve definitely been through periods of life when I was oddly paranoid about getting pregnant, sometimes to the point of avoiding penetrative sex despite being on birth control and using condoms… An unexpected baby is a very scary thought, particularly when you know you’re physically and/or financially not up to the task of child-rearing quite yet (or at all)!

The good news is, masturbation can’t get you pregnant (again, provided that your hands and toys are clean, i.e. that they don’t have someone’s recent semen on them!), so you can go to town on yourself without fearing future babies.

 

3. There are no consent issues to worry about

Although I’m sure there are exceptions to this rule (probably having to do with trauma triggers), generally you’re not going to run into consent-related snafus when fucking yourself. After all, you know on a moment-to-moment basis what you’re okay with and what you’re not – or if you don’t actually know those preferences, masturbation is an ideal way to figure them out.

As someone who likes to involve intoxicants (e.g. weed, alcohol) in sexual scenarios, I also appreciate that drunk/high masturbation is overall much safer than drunk/high partnered sex. I’m not going to push my own boundaries or take advantage of myself, even when pleasantly buzzed.

Some people think it’s a consent issue to masturbate while thinking about someone who hasn’t consented to be thought about in that way. I disagree, because I don’t believe in policing people’s thoughts – but keep in mind that it can be a violation to share those thoughts with the person in question, so I wouldn’t recommend doing that unless your relationship with that person is such that it would be acceptable.

 

4. No travel is required

Sounds silly, maybe, but I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 3+ years – just think how many bus accidents and plane crashes I’ve risked to get laid! The odds are low, of course, but on a bad anxiety day, I’d much rather skip any potential risks and just stay safely tucked into my bed, with an armful of sex toys.

Naturally, this also means masturbation can be more accessible and safer than partnered sex for people whose travel is limited by disability, financial status, pandemics (of course!) and other factors.

 

5. You can accommodate your own physical needs

This unfortunately isn’t true for everyone – there are, for example, disabled folks who are unable to masturbate and who may hire sex workers or sex surrogates to address this – but for many people, masturbation may allow for more of their access needs to be met than partnered sex. You can use your comfy ergonomic pillow or convenient suction cup dildo or relaxing heating pad without any fear of judgment.

For example, when I’m alone on a bad pain day, I can wrap a heating pad around my sore knee without worrying if someone else thinks it’s unsexy or unwieldy, keep my body still in particular positions so as not to overexert myself, and adjust the room to a temperature that I (and only I!) find agreeable. While I’m lucky enough to have a partner who’s always eager to make adjustments according to what I need, I know not everyone is that fortunate, and so sometimes masturbation can be a blessing.

 

6. You can accommodate your own mental/emotional needs

I can’t even count the number of times a random hookup teased me about something they didn’t know was a sore spot, made a body-shaming comment that stung more than I let on, or called me a triggering name during a kink scene.

Some of these incidents weren’t intentionally hurtful – they may not have known better, and I may not have known enough about my own brain and trauma history to be able to fill them in – but nonetheless, sometimes masturbation feels like a safer choice when you’re in a fragile frame of mind or going through a difficult time. If you trigger or upset yourself somehow, at least you can deal with it without also having to manage someone else’s reaction at the same time.

 

7. You won’t break your own heart

Sad but true: many times in my life, I’ve had sex with someone I loved (or just really, really liked) who I knew didn’t feel the same about me. It could almost be a form of emotional self-harm at times, returning over and over again for empty sexual experiences with people I wished would date me, but who only thought of me as their fuckbuddy.

While it would’ve been almost impossible to talk me into it at the time, I wish I’d spent some of those nights at home by myself instead. Probably I’d’ve had more orgasms and cried fewer tears. But hey, you live and you learn. Now I know that calling masturbation “self-love” isn’t just a cheesy euphemism – it’s also a true description of the healthy, healing pleasure you can give yourself whenever you need it.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

12 Days of Girly Juice 2020: 1 Fantastic Company

Kate Sloan

Here it is: my last 12 Days of Girly Juice post of 2020!

Today I’d like to bring your attention to a business I think you need to know about. They’re called ShopEnby.

Normally I highlight toy-makers here – and if I was doing that, I would need to give major shout-outs to some of my faves of the year, New York Toy Collective, Dame, and Glitter Tops – but ShopEnby has been through such a rigamarole recently that I felt it was important to feature them here.

(Content note for what’s to come: this post contains discussions of racism, transphobia, and – briefly – racist and transphobic murders.)

The store is Black- and trans-owned. Its organizational systems and product descriptions are crafted to be inclusive of a broad range of bodies and identities. The owners donate 2% of all proceeds to “a rotating list of small underfunded organizations focused on improving the lives of Queer/Trans People of Color.” Their selection of sex toys, gender affirmation gear, and wellness products is carefully curated and top-notch.

All their boundless awesomeness notwithstanding, ShopEnby faced some troubles recently when Wild Flower Sex – a sex toy company known to be disrespectful to Black femmes (more info here) – threatened them with a lawsuit over the usage of the word “enby,” because Wild Flower makes a vibrator by that name.

You know, “enby,” the colloquial term sometimes used by non-binary people to refer to themselves? Yeah. Wild Flower claimed that that word is theirs. Theirs to use, for profit, and no one else’s.

While it’s certainly their prerogative to use that word for themselves (and indeed, Wild Flower’s cofounders use they/them and he/they pronouns respectively, though I don’t know whether they identify as non-binary or as enbies), no one can own that word. It would be as ridiculous as trying to trademark terms like “lesbian,” “gay,” or “bisexual.” These are labels of identification and ways of finding community, not commodities to be bought or sold.

In response to the threats, ShopEnby set up a legal defense fund on GoFundMe, which you can still donate to. You can also support them by making purchases from their store. I can heartily recommend, for example, the Magic Wand Rechargeable, Dame Arc, and We-Vibe Rave, all of which they sell. If you believe it’s better to support marginalized small business owners than big-box stores of dubious ethics, this is a lovely way to put your money where your mouth is! (It may be too late to get gifts for this holiday season, but Valentine’s Day is coming up fast…)

It was particularly shocking to see the news about the threatened lawsuit in a year where Black people and trans people have been so prominently targeted. Granted, those groups are targeted in various ways all the time, but this was the year when George Floyd and many others were murdered by racist police, when trans people were killed at record levels, when a beloved children’s author showed her whole ass by perpetuating dangerous transphobic rhetoric on a massive scale. Black and trans people have been through more than enough this year, and every year. How dare anyone try to take away a word that causes no harm, helps many people feel more like themselves, and does not – cannot – belong to anyone except the entire community it represents.

12 Days of Girly Juice 2020: 5 Sex-Savvy Superheroes

Kate Sloan
tfw you’re stuck inside most of the year because of COVID but you still wanna stay up-to-date on the latest sex news

Each December I write about 5 people whose teachings on sexuality were significant to me throughout the year. Since in-person workshops and conferences weren’t available to us for most of the year, sex education looked different for me in 2020 – most of it happened while reading books or blogs. However, I still feel like I learned a lot more about sexuality this year, including deepening my understanding of my own sexuality. Here are the 5 people whose expertise most impressed and uplifted me in 2020…

Angela Chen

I already wrote about Angela Chen’s brilliant book Ace in a previous 12DoGJ instalment, but it bears repeating: this is one of the best books in existence about asexuality. I know it will change many lives. In fact, I’m sure it already has.

In addition to being an outstanding author, Angela is a reporter who covers asexuality, technology, and health. Her essays on subjects like “curing” desire, discovering one’s own asexuality, and the overrepresentation of alloromanticism in fiction are full of ideas that challenge the status quo, both out in the world and within your own mind. She is consistently brave enough to question societal norms and eloquent enough to make me shout, “How can anyone write this well?!” I love everything I’ve seen from her body of work and can’t wait to see what she does next.

Velvet Veronica

2020 was the year that I discovered possibly the best handjob-giver on the planet, Velvet Veronica. Granted, I don’t have a penis so it’s hard to assess that for certain, but my partner does, and attests that Veronica’s skills are unmatched (or at least, they appear to be!).

Though she bills herself as a “soft femdom” porn creator, her style of dominance can actually be wonderfully strict and mean. Her videos show her “torturing” her submissive (whom she calls “pet”) with vibrators, chastity, edging, denial, post-orgasmic overstimulation, and much more. Though I enjoy her work very much on a purely entertainment-based level (what can I say, I appreciate a great HJ!), I also think her videos are remarkably educational for anyone looking to explore dominance. She never shows her face – or the mysterious thigh tattoo she covers up with a garter in every scene for anonymity reasons – but she doesn’t need to, because her power is all about her voice, her presence, and those magic hands.

Ana Valens

I don’t remember how I first became Twitter mutuals with Ana Valens, but I’m so glad I did. She’s the NSFW reporter for the Daily Dot, where she covers everything from gender-affirming sex toys to the healing power of BDSM to transphobia in video games. She’s also a delight to listen to on podcasts, whether she’s talking about social etiquette on my show Question Box or sex work stigma on Canadaland.

The more that internet discourse becomes a tug of war between the right and the left, between “cancel culture” and “free speech,” between “fake news” and true facts, the more I respect and admire journalists of marginalized identities who manage to do brilliant work despite all the pressures they face. Ana’s reporting is always incisive, with a side of humor and whimsy. Her writing makes me feel optimistic about sex journalism again in a way I don’t often feel anymore. She’s a must-read, in 2020 and beyond. (Oh, and she also makes porn.)

Denying Thumper

One thing my spouse mb and I have in common: when we become interested in a new kink, we research the hell out of it. That’s how they stumbled upon Denying Thumper, who’s been blogging about his adventures in long-term chastity for several years.

As a sex educator, I often tell people who want to introduce their partner to a new kink of theirs that it’s important to be specific. Just because you’ve seen 800 videos about your fetish doesn’t mean that your partner has the slightest clue how to put it into action in a way you’ll enjoy. This is why I’ve found chastity blogs like Denying Thumper so useful as mb and I have been exploring chastity together: they give me a model of what to do, what not to do, and even how to think about the kink in question. It helps enormously that Thumper is a cogent, witty writer with a clearly bottomless passion for chastity. Sex bloggers fucking rule, man.

My therapist

As I told you earlier in the year, I was lucky enough in mid-2020 to find a therapist who was not only accepting new clients (only over the phone – this is a pandemic year, after all!) but who also happened to be clued-in about kink, non-monogamy, LGBTQ+ issues, and trauma – all important puzzle pieces of my psyche. My therapist herself (who uses both she/her and they/them pronouns) has experience in these areas both personally and professionally, and they have been a total godsend for me this year.

Good therapists, who don’t stigmatize their clients’ natural and healthy inclinations but instead push them to explore their desires free from self-judgment or self-hatred, are so necessary in this world. I end every call with my therapist breathing a sigh of relief, feeling less frazzled, less broken, and less alone. I doubt they’ll ever read this (that would probably be ethically weird), but they helped me get through 2020, and I’m so grateful.

 

Who were your sex-savvy superheroes this year?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2020: 10 Perfect Sex Songs

Kate Sloan

We have arrived at one of my favorite 12 Days of Girly Juice instalments: the one where I tell you about some of the sexiest songs I grooved on this year! I will admit that while this list was originally meant to be literal sex songs, i.e. songs you would want to listen to while having sex, it has transformed over the years and become moreso a list of songs that feel sexual or sensual in some way, but aren’t necessarily sexy, if that makes sense. You’ll see what I mean…

As ever, here’s a Spotify playlist that contains all of this year’s picks + those from every previous year I’ve done this. Enjoy!

Her’s – Low Beam

I know what you’re thinking / You can take me for a ride / Baby, hit me harder / ‘Cause I’m never gonna hide / You can keep on running, but you’re running out of track / I’m-a keep it coming, as a matter of fact

I wrote a bit about this band last year; they’re a duo who were tragically killed in a car crash in 2019, so listening to them is very bittersweet. I’m absolutely enamored with their sound – the peppy guitar parts, the sensuous harmonies, the singer’s deep and morose voice.

I don’t really know what “Low Beam” is about – this band’s lyrics can be charmingly opaque at times – but I do know that it was a central component of my first shrooms trip in February. For some reason, the line “You can keep on running, but you’re running out of track” got lodged in my head and became a mantra, an affirmation, a tether, an anchor. I begged my trip-sitter Brent to put this song on the stereo several times throughout that day, and danced my ass off every time. This song just… feels good in my body and brain, like laughing at a party with friends, or strutting down the street on a sunny day, or – yes – excellent sex.

Brotherkenzie – Poems on My Phone

I’ve got the thought of you inside my bed / That thought’s the only thought inside my head / Mezcal left over from my birthday week / Still here, but without you it’s hard to drink

Brotherkenzie’s Big What was hands-down one of my favorite new albums this year. It’s contemplative, groovy, worried, and weird. “Poems on My Phone” stands out as a particularly poppy, hooky tune, and is also probably the sexiest track on the record.

It’s a “relatable mood,” as the kids are saying, because it’s about that feeling when someone you’re crushing on goes away for a while and you just can’t get them out of your head. The beat of this tune has the same plodding inevitability as intrusive infatuated thoughts: they just keep coming, uncontrollably, while you’re trying to focus on other things, and all you can really do about it is write poems on your phone.

Marika Hackman – Send My Love

Are you coming home to feel alone? / Did you love me tonight, or any night of our lives? / It’s never gonna be like it was before / The writing’s on the floor

I discovered this song while trying to scope out some lesbian drama online. The ever-fantastic Amber Bain, of the Japanese House (a band that’s appeared on this list more than once), dated fellow singer/songwriter Marika Hackman for years (so I gather), and indeed, several songs on her quintessential breakup album Good at Falling are about Marika. One day I was creeping through Amber’s social media posts and saw she had given her now-ex’s new album a resounding recommendation – and her favorite track, she said, was “Send My Love.” Obviously I had to give it a listen.

Marika’s sweet, lilting voice was so interesting to hear for the first time after listening to her ex warbling about her in a comparatively sad, gravelly voice for years. This song feels to me like Imogen Heap and Phoebe Bridgers’ lovechild – a driving rhythm, a pretty melody, a thoughtful vibe, and gay undertones out the wazoo.

Sarah Harmer – Late Bloomer

Never thought I’d be the marrying kind / It was nothing to be always left behind / From the ship that would sail with everyone on it / I said, “Give me the land – I know what I want and where I’m wanted” / But you came in whistling, “I’ll go if you’ll go” / And I was waiting around to play like an old piano

Okay, I know not everyone will think this song is sexy, but something about Sarah Harmer’s voice makes me into a crushy queer mess – and this song overflows with romantic tension moreso than sexual tension, the former being, paradoxically, sometimes the sexiest kind of tension. (To me, anyway.)

Sarah sings in this song about (so far as I can tell) falling hard for someone at a time when you felt sure you’d never fall that hard again. She sings about two people who thought they’d never get married, realizing that maybe they want to marry each other. It’s a last-ditch romance, a late-arriving passion, lost opportunities fading away to make room for new love. Sarah’s voice is clear and high one moment, and sexy and throaty the next. To me, this song feels like having a crush – but maybe I just have a crush on Sarah Harmer.

Alina Baraz – Take it Home

You say that you want someone to hold / I just wanna get you all alone / You just gotta say it / Don’t you keep me waiting

Alina’s been on this list every year it’s existed and the reason is clear: everything she makes is sexy. She’s in fine form here – breathy and sweet, full of yearning, singing over deep beats and smooth guitars that feel like being laid out on a big bed in a dim room by someone you’re excited to fuck.

I still find it amazing that you can hit “shuffle” on Alina Baraz’s whole discography and it’ll make the ideal sonic backdrop for sex, no matter what ends up playing. I mean. Could Alina be any more perfect?!

John Mayer – Do You Know Me?

It’s just the strangest thing / I’ve seen your face somewhere / An early evening dream / A past-life love affair / Do you know me at all?

This song came out in 2009 so I’m not sure how it’s never made its way onto this list before… It’s one of the most beautiful things John Mayer has ever written – which probably doesn’t sound like a high honor unless you’ve been a JM superfan at some point in your life like I have, because his hit songs are never the prettiest/smartest/best ones. But he’s masterful with pretty jazz chords and delicate guitar riffs, and this song is a prime example.

The lyrics are simple and spare, so it’s not totally clear what the song’s about, but I think it’s about that feeling when you see someone across the room at a party or a bar and you get the immediate sense that they’re going to be meaningful to you. Sometimes this instant resonance feels like love at first sight; sometimes it feels more like déja vu. Either way, it can be so impactful that it knocks you off your feet.

Missy Bauman – Why Do We Fight?

Is loving me too much for you? / You say that that’s unfair to you / The way that I just stared at you / I love you, I love you

I’m a little biased because my brother played drums on this track, but it really is stunning. “Dreamy drug folk” singer Missy‘s voice is clear as a bell here, sad, sensuous, sparkly. This song kinda sounds like what would result if My Brightest Diamond covered a Weeknd song: haunting, tragic, yet oddly sexy.

You know that period of time near the end of a relationship when you’re still having sex, but you know with near-certainty that you’re going to break up sometime soon? This song feels like that. Like the last gasps of something that used to feel good, and still does, a little.

Broken Social Scene – All to All

Call of forgiveness / I’m like the beat of the hurt / I’m not the only one you tried to save / When you fell out

I stumbled across this song because I was fervently Googling the beautiful Lisa Lobsinger, big-haired and soft-voiced lead singer of the long-defunct band Reverie Sound Revue (who I’ve mentioned on this list previously). She occasionally sings for Broken Social Scene, a “super-band” known for its huge rotating cast of players from the Canadian music world, like Feist and Emily Haines.

One of the magical things about Lisa Lobsinger is that she can make you feel things even if you can’t understand what she’s actually saying (and you often can’t). She can also take lyrics that don’t really make sense, and make them feel like a coherent emotional statement. All this to say: I have no clue what this song is about, but I know that it feels like it’s about regret, remorse, missed opportunities, “right place, wrong time,” and the way we ruminate when a relationship ends but we desperately wish it had not.

Chet Atkins – Take Five

This guitar arrangement of the Dave Brubeck Quartet classic is searching and chaotic and weird. “Take Five” is known among jazz nerds for its unusual quintuple time signature; most songs count to 3 or 4 in every bar, but this one counts to 5. To me, this makes “Take Five” feel more like the way bodies actually move in the dark. Fucking isn’t always steady or predictable; sometimes there’s sudden pauses to readjust, or brief interludes of still whispers, or hard thrusts thrown in like a wrench in the works. Our bodies and their rhythms are deeply erratic and that’s part of why they’re also erotic.

I heard this guitar version of the song while I was out somewhere, and Shazam’ed it immediately, because I was stunned by the skill involved. The original is a sax playing an iconic melody over top of some supportive piano chords, but Chet Atkins has somehow managed to cram all that complexity into a guitar arrangement he apparently played all at once, all by himself. If the Brubeck version feels like off-kilter sex, this version feels like off-kilter masturbation – equally charming, but in its own way.

Andy Shauf – Changer

I heard you’re back in town / Working at the drugstore / Did you get the city blues? / That, I can relate to / Change on, changer

Andy Shauf’s The Neon Skyline is probably my favorite new album of 2020. What can I say – I just love the guy. A quiet Canadian indie legend who pens thoughtful songs about made-up characters in made-up situations, he’s the type of brilliant songwriter who can make me cry through a computer screen. (And indeed he did, this year, when he played the sad gay unrequited love song “To You” on a fundraiser concert stream. I literally could not stop the tears from flowing and flowing. I think I got a bit dehydrated. Dammit, Andy.)

“Changer” is the closing track of Skyline; the protagonist has just spent the entire album yearning for his recent ex, Judy, and awkwardly trying to get her back, and “Changer” is a moment of sad reflection at the end of a drunken night. Judy has changed, while her mopey ex has not. He still wants her; she just wants to move on. I can picture this song playing on the jukebox at the Skyline bar where the album takes place, as our hero slow-dances with someone whose name he doesn’t know, trying to forget the love he doesn’t get to have anymore.

 

What sexy (or sexy-adjacent) songs did you love this year?

5 Natural Ways to Reignite Your Libido

Kate Sloan

It’s been quite a week, to say the least. And quite a month. And quite a year.

While there has been an occasional piece of good news amongst the bad (Joe! Kamala! All the wonderful trans and BIPOC candidates who won senate seats! Steve Kornacki finally getting to pack up his map and go get some sleep!), obviously overall it has been a rough time to be a human. That’s part of why, in my sex educator communities, there has been so much discussion this year of how (or whether!) to try to reignite your libido in such tumultuous times.

This is a fairly new problem for me, and I know I’m lucky in that way. Traditionally my libido hasn’t ebbed, but has instead flowed, during times of high stress. If that’s your experience too, please know that there’s nothing wrong with it – it can be more difficult to navigate when you’re in a relationship with someone whose stress affects them in the opposite way, but it’s still fine!

It’s also 100% fine if you don’t want to revive your libido right now – either because there’s too much other stuff to do (our work is not over and there’s still a lot that can be done to support, for example, Democrats in the Georgia runoff elections), or because you just don’t have the energy at the moment (FAIR!), or because you just plain don’t feel sexy while fascism is flaring.

This post, however, is for people whose sexual desire has waned, and who want to do something about that. Sex and masturbation can be almost medicinal for me in stressful times, giving me much-needed bursts of happy neurotransmitters, affirmation of my desirability and desirousness, or even just helping me sleep. So here are some tips you can try if you’re missing sex – or just missing the sensation of wanting sex – and want to give your libido a gentle boost.

 

Try something new sexually. It doesn’t even really matter what it is. A magnificent new vibrator or clitoral sucker. A kink scene involving hot wax or E-stim. Even just a new position. Many sex and relationships experts point to the hit of happy chemicals your brain produces when you try a new and exciting thing, regardless of whether the thing itself ends up becoming a new fave of yours or not. This is a really easy way to put the spring back in your step sexually.

Not sure where to start? Take a BDSM quiz online (with a partner or alone), fill out a Yes/No/Maybe list, peruse sex toy reviews written by people you trust (hiii), or just ask your perviest friend what their latest sexual fascination is!

 

Seek out new sexual stimuli. I know it’s not always the most fun thing to scroll through porn sites or flip through erotica books when sex feels unappealing, but it’s gotta be better than sitting around feeling sad about your magically disappearing libido, right?

Set aside some time on a regular basis to explore new things in your sexual medium of choice, whether that be hardcore kinky porn, soft tender fanfiction, group sex erotica, or literally whatever. Maybe it’ll be unbelievably hot and get you all riled up; maybe it’ll just make you laugh or teach you more about human sexuality. Either way, it’ll give your brain and genitals something new to ponder. (Don’t forget to pay for your porn, please! Supporting sex workers is hot.)

 

Drugs ‘n’ supplements. (Big congrats to all the states that recently legalized weed, medicinal shrooms, etc.!) These are not an option for everyone, of course, whether it be due to their own personal views on drugs, or something more logistical like an incompatibility with crucial medications they’re already on. There’s also the question of how drugs may affect one’s ability to consent – which is why I suggest negotiating the components of an upcoming sexual encounter while still sober, deciding on safewords that are easy to say, and checking in regularly.

I’ve always found that smoking or vaping marijuana enhances my arousal and pleasure, in part because it reduces the volume of my depressed and anxious thoughts. Some of my friends have had similar experiences with shrooms, hashish, and various other trippy goodies. You could also look into natural libido supplements, such as HerSolution, which contains bloodflow-boosting niacin, orgasm-intensifying cayenne, and various other herbals, nutrients, and alleged aphrodisiacs. (Be sure to check with your doctor before adding anything new to your medication regimen, especially if you have preexisting conditions!)

 

Cultivate a new crush. I often return to this strategy when I’m depressed because I know how motivating and uplifting a juicy crush can be for me. Maybe you’re still fantasizing about the map guys from election week and want to go read some John King fanfiction. Maybe that person you follow on Twitter for their hilarious political jokes would be open to a flirty DM (tread carefully and respectfully!). Maybe you just want to re-watch a beloved old TV show and obsess over the will-they-won’t-they dynamic between your favorite characters.

However you choose to manifest it, I believe that (for those of us who are alloromantic, i.e. capable of experiencing romantic attraction) crushy energy can be heart-healing and world-widening. This is true even if (and perhaps especially if) nothing ever comes of the crush. Just like meditation is more about the bliss of the journey than it is about the one-time attainment of enlightenment, having a crush can be more about the invigorating almostness of it than it is about actually pursuing the person/people you have your eye on. And yeah, sometimes that can lead to an uptick in sexy feelings, too.

 

Make time and space for yourself to feel sexy. This one is so important, and unfortunately our overstuffed days under capitalism don’t often allow for it. But study after study has shown that stress inhibits sexual desire, and so in many cases your best bet in fighting libido troubles is to eliminate the stressors in your life that can be eliminated, whenever possible, and create little stress-free zones within your day/week/life.

This might mean rearranging your work week so that you have 3 hours open on a Tuesday night to read erotica in a hot bath by candlelight. It might mean asking your spouse to watch the kids for an evening so you can try out your new sex toy. It might mean addressing that lingering health issue that’s been making you feel super gross/ugly but that you haven’t had the time or energy to deal with. It might mean doing your hair and makeup, slipping into some lingerie, and taking some sensuous selfies so you can get some sweet sweet dopamine hits from your thirsty followers’ likes and retweets. It might mean clearing your schedule to watch a sexy ’90s thriller while munching popcorn with your sweetheart and then seeing where the night takes you.

The point is, you can’t expect yourself to just randomly feel sexy if all the circumstances of your life are conspiring to keep you focused on more pressing but less fun things. Sex may be “play” but it doesn’t have to be an afterthought if it’s important to you; you can choose to make it a priority, to treat it as an ironclad commitment on your calendar, to leave the proverbial door open so your desire can pay you a visit.

 

What has helped you most when you’ve had a prolonged dip in your sexual desire?

 

Thanks to HerSolution for sponsoring this post! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.