Financial domination is one of the most profoundly misunderstood kinks. There’s a common perception that all it involves is “making” someone give you money without giving them anything in return – which, sure, would be exploitative if it wasn’t consensual. But by its very nature, findom is only findom when it is consensual. Otherwise it’s just financial abuse.
Findom is most often done in a professional setting, as an interaction between sex workers and their “paypigs.” Sometimes it may involve exchanging provocative pictures, incorporating adult roleplay chat, and other perks – but in its most basic form, it is quite simply one person being consensually bossed into giving money to another person. In that way, it’s not all that different from any other type of power play in the BDSM world. Sure, money is a more tangible measure of the power being exchanged, and it can alter the conditions of your actual life, outside of the bedroom and the dungeon – but that’s part of why it appeals to so many people. It’s like playing poker for real dollars when you’re used to only playing for Monopoly money.
That said, financial domination can happen outside of professional contexts too. It’s become part of my dynamic with my spouse. During an initial findom chat when my partner and I were negotiating this new addition to our relationship, one of the things we discussed was my concern that I was somehow a “bad” financial dominant if receiving gifts and cash didn’t physically turn me on, the way receiving oral sex or a good spanking can. My partner gets a boner (albeit not necessarily a raging one) when I command them to buy me a cute new bag or pair of shoes; I felt like an impostor for not having the same type of physiological response to what was supposed to be a kinky, sexy act.
But the more that I’ve thought about it, and the more that we’ve discussed it, the more I’ve realized that physical arousal is not the only measure of whether an activity is pleasurable or “sufficiently” kinky. Of course, I already knew this in other areas – I knew, for example, that many asexual people enjoy kinky activities for their psychological effects, despite having little-to-no sexual response to them – but it was surprisingly hard to apply this knowledge to my understanding of findom in my own relationship. I think that because money is such a heavy, fraught topic IRL, it can be equally tricky and fraught to accept your desire to play with it in a kinky way. It brings up enormous feelings about “deservingness,” privilege, power, scarcity, and fear. But you know what? So do a lot of other kinks!
The dual-control model of sexuality, popularized by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. in her seminal book Come As You Are, has been a helpful framework for me in thinking about findom. This model understands sexual arousal as being affected by both a “sexual accelerator” and “sexual brakes.” Your accelerator is stuff that actively turns you on, like porn, erotica, dirty talk, and receiving pleasurable touch, while your brakes are things that inhibit your ability to get aroused, like stress, distractions, or chronic pain.
I think my hesitance about findom came from the expectation that it had to be a sexual accelerator in order for it to be “valid” as a kink – when, in reality, for me it operates much more like an alleviation of my sexual brakes. When my partner buys me a beautiful new lipstick, for instance, wearing it makes me feel prettier, thereby alleviating some of my appearance-related stress. When I “made” them buy me a body pillow and started sleeping with it every night, my chronic pain eased up and I was able to sleep better, which certainly made arousal easier to achieve. Likewise, when my sugar daddy way back in 2017 gave me enough money each month to cover my rent, I was obviously way less stressed about making ends meet, which made space for me to get turned on much more easily. Money is a near-constant stressor, as it is for many people, leaning hard on those sexual brakes – so any relief in that area results in relaxation that can blossom into arousal.
There’s more than one way to enjoy kink, and anyone who tells you there’s only “one true way” is lying to you. If you and your partner consent to particular acts or a particular dynamic, and you prioritize risk-awareness and open communication, it’s hard to go wrong. An erect dick or wet pussy isn’t the only measure of whether something excites or fulfills you. If a kinky activity makes you a bit happier, or makes your life a bit easier, or makes your days a bit more beautiful, then I think it’s been a success.
This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.