On Being a Sex Doll

Content note: this post deals with consensual objectification and erotic hypnosis. It also mentions dissociation during sex.

 

For many people, sex is about being intensely immersed in the moment. Synapses fire, nerve endings sparkle, lungs undulate, hearts hammer. You’re hyper-aware of every feeling, every word. Your mind records the memory in technicolor and real-time.

But what about sex where you lose focus, drift away inside your brain, and zone out? That can be wonderful, too, in its own way.

Let me be clear: I am not talking about dissociation, the likes of which one might experience during a trauma or a mental health episode. That’s a big issue for many people during sex, for various reasons, and usually characterized as something unwanted. What I am talking about is a wanted thing, a consensual thing: sex while deliciously mindless.

This type of sex is mostly what I think of now when I look at pictures of sex dolls. I don’t have a penis, and I’m not usually attracted to feminine people (or their silicone facsimiles), so I don’t think about fucking these dolls so much as being one. Being a toy made for someone else’s pleasure, a receptacle for release, an outlet for the stresses and tensions of the day.

Girl on the Net, a fellow submissive and rough-sex aficionado, put it thusly: “Fuck me like you’re wanking.” I nodded along when I read her post, recognizing in her fantasy my own long-held desire to be used. This isn’t the type of sex I want all the time, or even most of the time – I usually prefer to be treasured, adored, doted upon – but sometimes I just need to turn off my brain and my own needs and wants and be someone’s fucktoy.

More pieces of this fantasy clicked into place when I started dating a hypnosis kinkster. There’s a lot of crossover between hypnokink and fantasies like “dollification” and “bimbofication”: reducing a usually competent, articulate person to a static, dim-witted version of themselves. At first, I didn’t understand this fantasy – who would want to feel unintelligent, especially in a situation where seeming attractive is important to most of us? – but, in deeper subsequent explorations of subspace, I’ve come to understand why someone might want to feel… not lesser-than, but… blank.

It’s nice to have a quiet, calm mind sometimes, especially for those of us with anxiety disorders that keep our thoughts racing at breakneck speeds toward nothing in particular – and especially in situations like sex, where thoughts of inadequacy and insecurity can quickly blossom.

I can imagine my partner taking me down into a deep trance and telling me, in his serene baritone, that I am a doll. A sex toy for his use and enjoyment. Maybe he’d describe my attributes to me, to paint a clearer picture in my mind; I’d want to be blonde and busty, like the Christa sex doll. He’d help me empty my brain out, leaving behind nothing but silicone skin and a blank stare. And then I’d be ready for him to fuck me, use me, take out his stresses on me.

You might be wondering what I would get out of fulfilling a fantasy I wouldn’t even be mentally present for. It would thrill me and please me, in retrospect, to feel the signs of having been consensually used without having a clear memory of what exactly was done to me. But the abyss of trance is its own pleasure, in a way. Imagine times you’ve zoned out while staring out a car window or waiting in line; perhaps you couldn’t fully remember, once you came back, where you’d been or what you’d been thinking about – because, quite likely, it was nothing at all. That blank state, when accessed with purpose and care, can feel like a warm blanket thrown over your brain: safe, cozy, and lovely in and of itself.

And since my partner has a massive hypnosis fetish, and gets off on seeing me in trance, the vacant look in my eyes would make me an even better sex toy for him.

 

Thanks so much to the folks at SexDolls.com for sponsoring this post!

That Time I Pissed In My Boyfriend’s Mouth

Content note: this post deals heavily and graphically with watersports/piss-play, and also mentions Daddy Dom/little girl roleplay, impact play, and tipsy sex.

Bex: How do you not have a watersports kink?!
Me: You know… It might be dormant. It might be latent. I’m not not into pee, is the thing. I could be persuaded. But it would have to be with the right person.
-the bodily fluids episode of The Dildorks

I guess I should’ve suspected I was into pee when I started drinking my own at age 10.

Not often, mind you. Not, like, as part of my daily routine. It wasn’t a step in my beauty regimen. I didn’t even have a beauty regimen. I was 10.

No; I started doing it because I was curious. After discovering the wonders of orgasms via bath faucet at 9, I went on to learn that if I kept rubbing my clit shortly after coming, I would get the urge to pee. Fascinated by this expulsion, and at first believing it to be some kind of special fluid imbued with sexual meaning rather than straight-up urine, I tried letting it out into a cup and then sampling it – ’cause hey, why not? (Years later, I discovered the concept of retrograde ejaculation as it pertains to people with vulvas, and I wonder now if that’s what was going on back then – so maybe my ideas about the content and purpose of the liquid weren’t entirely wrong.)

I didn’t keep records on this kind of thing back then – not like I do now – so I don’t have the insight I wish I had about my exact motivations for doing this and continuing to do it, nor do I recall how many times I did it, exactly. But I do know that it cemented in my mind the idea that pee just isn’t that gross (at least, not to me). This core belief probably informed a lot of my later work: my sex-positive conviction that even seemingly “disgusting” kinks are just fine if consensual, my science-heavy writing on the differences between peeing and squirting, and – now – my forays into watersports.

If you don’t know, the word “watersports” – in a kink context, not an athletic one – refers to activities involving the erotic enjoyment of urine and/or urination. It’s also known as “golden showers,” though I prefer the more holistic “watersports” moniker because not all piss-play involves getting showered in pee. There are other things you can do with that liquid gold!

Watersports is one of those kinks that I was always vaguely curious about but had little motivation to actually try. My interest ramped up when my best friend tried it and described it as “surprisingly chill” (but then, Bex is surprisingly chill about most kinks). I figured, if I ever gave it a shot, it’d either be a one-off encounter with a fetishist for whom piss-play was central to their enjoyment of sex, or an intimate exploration with an open-minded long-term partner. As it happened, the latter situation was the one that arose first.

My Sir and I have frequent conversations about new kinks we’d like to try together. As he’s pointed out to me, this is actually a foundational aspect of our relationship: part of what cemented our newfound intimacy when we first started dating was our full-hearted willingness to try out each other’s biggest kinks – mine being DD/lg, his being hypnosis – each without having ever tried the other person’s before. There is nothing quite like the intimate rush of trying something new with someone you’re really into, and the more we did it, the more we liked it and the better it felt. Monitoring and discussing our burgeoning fantasies became a structured part of our relationship; we do it at least a few times a month, when we make to-do lists for our in-person dates and do our bimonthly relationship health check-ins.

It was in one such discussion that piss-play first came up in our relationship. We were out at the best restaurant in the world (seriously), sipping cocktails, when I glanced over at him and mused, “We should do watersports sometime.” He agreed, enthusiastically. And so it began.

Our first try was simple and small, because that’s what I wanted. I’m the type of person who likes to tiptoe into new things when possible, rather than jumping in at full force. We agreed that I would kneel in front of him in the shower and he would pee on my chest. (The toilet at my apartment was also, incidentally, broken at the time, so, uh, our timing was fortuitous.) I closed my eyes and felt the warmth flow onto me; it was only as gross as it ever is to be achingly close to the genitals of someone you love and love to fuck, which is to say, it wasn’t gross at all. The next time we tried it was the same, except that I asked him to aim for my face instead. Once again, it was totally fine. It didn’t turn me on, exactly, but it made me feel closer to him, which is sometimes the whole point of kink.

However, unlike me, my Sir is the sort of person who likes to leap into new things with his whole self. (This, for reference, is the same guy who went from “DD/lg? Never heard of it!” to “Let’s be in a 24/7 DD/lg dynamic!”) In one of our pre-date planning sessions, he told me he wanted me to pee on him. “Where?” I asked. He replied, “Literally anywhere.” Ever a hyper-curious kink nerd, I asked him about his motivations for wanting this, and he said:

“I want you to pee on me because I want you to mark me in the same way I’ve marked you so we’re each other’s, because all of your bodily fluids have turned me on (tears, cum, blood, sweat) and I think this one will too, because I want to be vulnerable in that way, because I’ve never tried it before and I want to try it with you first, and because thinking about you standing over me, using your cunt to spray your pee on my face, turns me on. I love getting you all over me. I want more of it.”

As an anxious person is wont to do, I started plotting and mentally rehearsing what I wanted to do, and by the time we saw each other next – for a weekend getaway to Boston – I had it all figured out.

We agreed that the best time for this activity to occur would probably be after a night out at a cocktail bar, because a) being slightly tipsy often makes me dommier and b) lots of liquids, y’know? We stopped by Drink for a couple of Saturday-night bevs. Toward the end of our time there, I gestured vaguely toward the bathroom and said, “I guess I shouldn’t go to the –” and Sir interrupted, “No, you shouldn’t. And drink all of this,” sliding a full glass of water toward me. I already had to pee, so I knew we were off to a good start.

En route back to our hotel in an Uber, I started pulling his hair and lightly slapping his face, to get us both into the right headspace for what we wanted to do. It’s uncommon for us to switch up our dynamic – I’m submissive to him probably 95% of the time – but we’ve done it enough times that I basically know how to summon my inner domme when I need to. As we got out of the car in front of the Godfrey, I thrust my pink purse into his hands and instructed him to carry it up to our room for me. Watching him do this got me feeling even more in control.

When we finally got back to our room, I told him to go into the bathroom, take off all his clothes, and lie down naked in the shower. I waited by the bed and had to pee so bad by this point that I couldn’t sit still and had to pace tensely around the room. I took off all my clothes except my underwear, because I was concerned that if I removed them, too, I’d accidentally pee on the nice hotel carpeting!

Once he was ready, I went into the bathroom and saw him lying naked on the shower stall floor as requested. As I slid my panties off, I said, “Tell me what you want,” because consent, as you know, is important. “I want you to pee on me,” he said. “On your chest and on your face and in your mouth?” I clarified, and he said, “Yes.”

That was all I needed. I straddled his chest and stared down into his blue eyes, wide with submission and maybe a little bit of fear. “Ready?” I asked. “Yes, Princess,” he said. I started to piss on his hairy chest and heard him moan, immediately, like he’d been waiting a while for this, because he had. So had I.

I knew I had a fair volume of liquid to work with, but nonetheless I moved up onto his face fairly quickly. As I looked down and saw his open mouth filling with my piss, I began laughing – a devious domly cackle I couldn’t control. It was just such an absurd situation, a delightful power trip. He swallowed the whole mouthful, and I moved off his face to give him time to breathe, but before too long he was panting, “Please, Princess, I can take more,” and who’s gonna say no to that? I let loose into his mouth again, watching it fill up a second time, only to be swallowed once more. What a good boy.

I stayed astride him once I was done, intermittently slapping his pretty face while pulling with fascination at his urine-soaked hair. As you might know, kink can heighten your perceptions to a kind of technicolor vividity, so I remember with total clarity the way it smelled in the room, the way his damp hair felt in my hands, and most of all, the helpless and utterly enamored look in his eyes as he gazed up at me. I felt totally powerful and wholly sure of myself – a rare feeling for me, given my relative lack of experience with dominance. It was a moment of crystalline intimacy unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced in kink.

After slapping him around a bit more, I got up and turned on the shower so he could wash off. I handed him, in turn, the little hotel-provided bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. He asked – so sweetly – if he could shave his face so it would be smooth enough for me to sit on, and I watched him closely as he did so. His submission and obedient headspace were evident in his every movement, as he eliminated all traces of roughness from his gorgeous face so his Princess could sit atop it like a throne.

Once we were both clean, we retreated to the bed for more switchy D/s fun: impact play, facesitting, a long teasing blowjob, and more. But the watersports in the shower is what has stuck with me from that encounter. It’s seared into my brain. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

The only thing we wish we’d done differently, in hindsight, is keeping him better hydrated after the piss-play portion of the scene. He was pretty dehydrated throughout and too subspacey to communicate it until afterward, when I brought him a glass of water. It hadn’t occurred to me to plan for this because it hadn’t occurred to me that he would swallow that much of me. We’ll know for next time!

We’ve had several subsequent conversations about the intensity of that scene, its singularity in our sex lives both individually and as a couple, and our mutual desire to try more watersports in the future. As with most of the times I’ve tried a new kink with a partner, I feel this one pulled us closer together and cemented our bond even further. And it was also – unexpectedly – really fucking hot.

Love and Lust: The Universal Language?

At the top of the Palatino in Rome.

Where did the fantasy first arise in my life of having sex with someone who doesn’t speak English and whose language I do not speak? Was it the Love Actually subplot where a British befuddled Colin Firth has an awkward-yet-romantic dalliance with his Portuguese housekeeper Aurélia? Was it the lesbian erotica story I read in some anthology whose name has been lost to time, where an English-speaking tourist meets and seduces an exclusively Spanish-speaking woman at a nightclub while on vacation? Did I see it in porn somewhere and internalize it? How did this become one of my formative ideas of the magical heights of romance?

Though the lingual disconnect is played for laughs in Love Actually and spun into lusty wonder in the erotica story, it obviously poses many real-life logistical issues that could prove unsurmountable. These romanticizing tales want us to believe love (or lust) is the ultimate human “language,” that it can overcome cultural barriers and connect us even in the face of communication obstacles. This narrative erases and harms asexual and aromantic people, and it isn’t even accurate. Humans developed language for a reason: we need it. Sex and romance are nebulous enough already, even when you do speak the same language, because often these feelings are difficult to put into words, even for yourself. Being reduced to gestures and facial expressions when trying to explain your feelings to someone seems like hell, especially for someone like me who thrives on words of affirmation.

Not to mention: in our recent (and less recent) cultural conversations about consent, it’s become clear that verbal consent is the gold standard for ensuring a sexual encounter is on the up-and-up. There are certainly ways to acquire and give consent non-verbally, and arguably most consent is given and gotten in this way, but I think it only works because it’s usually combined with some verbal element. Sure, you can read someone’s body terrifically, but at some point you’re probably gonna ask, “Is this okay?” or “You like that?” or “You want more?” and it’s hard for me to imagine navigating sex safely and responsibly without the ability to even do that.

That said, I’d be lying if I claimed this fantasy never crosses my mind anymore. Like many fantasies, it’s unfettered by logistical considerations when I ponder it in private moments. I can imagine that me and this other person can read each other’s bodies perfectly, almost like we’re reading each other’s minds, without needing a common language to know each other’s most intimate wishes. Afflicted by anxiety, my brain often floods with worrying words during sex – the very activity that’s said to steal your words away and quiet your mind – so it’s, in some ways, a comfort to consider sex wholly without words. Who would I be, and what would I feel, if I could quiet my mind and focus only on my body and someone else’s?

I think another movie, Before Sunrise, fanned the flames of this fantasy for me. In it, two travelers – who are from different continents but both speak English – have a chance meeting on a train zooming through Europe and embark on an impulsive all-night adventure in Vienna. I’ve longed to go to Vienna since seeing this film; the landscapes and locations strike me as achingly romantic. And because I’m a perv, I imagine that if I met an attractive German-speaking local there, we’d somehow flirt non-verbally, kiss under an Austrian sunset, and wander into a sex shop or Fleshlight store together to look at the “mini vibratoren” that we would then use in a majestically-lit hotel room later on.

Verbal communication is pretty much the only type I’m good at – and sometimes not even that – but somehow, in my fantasy, I get by just fine without it. And there’s a lot of kissing and orgasms and maybe some giggling atop a giant Ferris wheel.

Do you have any fantasies that you know wouldn’t work in reality?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Protocol Diaries: An Iron-Clad Commitment

It’s not an exaggeration to say that kink has improved my life substantially. Not just because I’m having sex that better suits my tastes, but also because the structure (optionally) imposed by D/s can be transformative. (Just look at the #BetterLivingThroughKink hashtag on Twitter if you don’t believe me.)

I’ve had partners before who seemed unenthused about implementing and enforcing protocol – and I don’t blame them: it’s gotta be exhausting to be in control of not only your own life but also significant portions of someone else’s. This gets easier, so I’m told, if you have the type of brain that relishes that level of control rather than shying away from it – and my current partner is, indeed, that type of dom.

When we discussed protocol in the early days of our relationship, we discussed not only things that would be fun and hot, but also things that would be practical. I’m mildly anaemic and thus have to take an iron supplement every day, but I struggle with remembering to do it. Unlike something like a birth control pill, which you can set a daily timer for, my iron pill has to be taken with food – and, as a work-from-home freelancer, my meal schedule fluctuates wildly depending on what I’m up to that day. So, before meeting my Sir, I would often forget to take my iron for days at a time, resulting in dreaded dizziness and lethargy – not good!

During our early protocol negotiations, my Sir asked me what reward I thought would motivate me to take my iron daily. I contemplated the question, and then felt almost embarrassed to answer: selfies from him. It sounds fairly basic, but when you’re long-distance, you never get to see as much of your partner’s face as you wish you could. We were already in the habit of sending each other occasional selfies for no particular reason, but I still wanted more of his gorgeous face, and suspected it could keep me on-track with my iron regimen.

We implemented this protocol, and I immediately loved it. The exchange is simple – once a day, at mealtime, I take my pill, text him “Took my iron,” and he sends back a selfie as soon as he has a spare moment to take one – but it achieves exactly what we wanted it to: it makes me actually want to take my pill.

Not only do I want to see his face, I also want to connect with him throughout the day. As a person who sometimes has anxiety about seeming too “needy” or “bugging” my partners when they’re busy, I like having an excuse to reach out to my love in the middle of the workday, even if it’s just for this small two-component exchange. This anxiety still persists sometimes – I’ve occasionally gotten in trouble for taking my pill but not telling him, because he was busy and I didn’t want to “bother” him! – but it makes it easier overall, and that’s nice.

This protocol is so important to my Sir that he even sticks to it when we’re together in person. He’ll watch me take my pill while we’re having lunch or dinner together, and then pull out his phone, snap a cute selfie, and text it to me. It makes me giggle, because it’s, in some ways, “unnecessary,” but I also appreciate his dedication to this agreement we’ve made. And I like looking back at the selfies later!

One thing we were deliberate about, in creating this protocol, is setting it up so that there’s a reward when I Do The Thing, but there’s no punishment when I don’t. The adverse health effects I suffer when I skip my pill for a few days, though fairly mild, are their own punishment of sorts, as is my Sir’s gentle disappointment when he asks if I took my pill and I say no. Some say positive reinforcement works better than negative, and I’ve definitely found that to be true for me: I thrive on praise and treats when I do well, while admonishment and punishment just makes me recede into myself and feel sad and panicked. I’m glad we were able to set up this protocol in a way that feels good for both of us.

What protocols could you create in a D/s dynamic to make yourself healthier, happier, and/or more productive? Which have you already found work well for you?

5 Myths About Sex Work

It’s disheartening that sex work is still so stigmatized in 2018, even after the groundbreaking work of so many sex workers’ rights advocates throughout history. Whorephobic language is commonplace in our media and even our everyday conversations. Stigma against sex workers literally endangers their livelihood and their lives. This has to stop!

I’m not a sex worker (more on that later in the post), but my friends and internet acquaintances in the industry seem to encounter a lot of the same frustrations over and over again. I’ve quoted some of them here, since they would know better than I would, obviously! Here are some common myths about sex work that really need to be busted…

Sex workers are “selling their bodies.”

I mean, in a sense, we’re all “selling our bodies” – or at least renting them out – because our bodies are involved in the labor we do. Coal miners, retail workers, teachers, lawyers, doctors… All of these people use their bodies to do their work. I’m using mine right now, typing this! Sexual labor is labor; there is no moral law that somehow makes sex work worse than any other kind of work.

Sex work is inherently demeaning.

Someone like Marx might argue that all work is inherently demeaning, since you’re exchanging your labor for the human-invented construct that is money… In any case, people who choose sex work often have excellent (and even empowering) reasons for doing so, not that their reasoning is anyone else’s business anyway! If you don’t think working construction or retail (for example) are demeaning, then it doesn’t make any sense to think that about sex work, either. There’s no reason a brothel would necessarily be a worse workplace than, say, McDonald’s or the Gap. And if you do think those other kinds of work are demeaning, maybe your problem is with work in general, in which case you should go lobby for better employment rights and/or basic income instead of yelling at sex workers!

“Cleos on Nile in Brisbane, the capitol of Queensland, is very pro-sex workers’ rights. They provide everything for the ladies to work independently within the venue. The women work for themselves (no pimping) and can refuse service to any client they like. The venue provides everything for the service providers to work in comfort, from cable TV and internet to food and private smoking areas. Condoms, etc. are also provided free of charge, as only safe sex practices are permitted for everyone’s safety. The brothel is owned by an ex-worker who worked for herself for 25 years before saving enough to buy what has become the most successful brothel in the state.” –Lynette Black, owner of Cleos On Nile

Sex work is easy money.

Hahaha, no. I’ve barely dipped my toe into sex work and even I know this one is bullshit. As with any kind of work that relies on building a clientele, maintaining a career in sex work can take a lot of time and energy. Whether you’re crafting and posting ads for your services, filming and editing content for a clip store, promoting the hell out of yourself on social media, or perhaps all three and more, there’s no doubt that sex work is an effortful enterprise. That effort deserves to be recognized and acknowledged!

There’s only one way to do it.

A lot of different activities can be classified as sex work, not just full-service work like what goes on at Brisbane brothels. Cam performers, dominatrixes, phone sex operators, strippers, and porn performers are just a few examples of different types of sex workers. The World Health Organization defines sex work as “the provision of sexual services for money or goods,” which, of course, covers a broad range of transactions. While I have done certain forms of sex work – camming, selling nudes, selling panties, paid sexting and phone sex, and being a sugar baby – I don’t typically call myself a sex worker because I don’t experience sex work-related stigma or oppression to the same degree as many people who do this work on a more full-time basis and/or for survival. All this to say: sex work takes many forms and all of them come with their own challenges.

All sex workers have STIs.

Oh my god, so much to unpack here. So, first of all, having an STI isn’t something we should stigmatize. Many, many, many people have STIs, and many of those people prioritize disclosure, treatment/management, and transmission prevention. But on top of that, remember: sex workers’ sexual health is their livelihood, so of course they take it seriously, and some research has even found sex workers have lower STI rates than the general population (makes sense, if you ask me!). This is particularly true in places where sex work is decriminalized or legalized (just ask escorts in Brisbane) – demonstrating that making something illegal and/or difficult to do just makes it more difficult to do safely and healthily.

What myths about sex work do you wish would just go away?

 

Heads up: this post was sponsored; however, as always, I support and agree with all of the sentiments therein!