Musings

You Do Not Have to Be “Fuckable” to Be Valuable

Kate Sloan

(Quick note: this post deals with body image, weight, food, exercise, and insecurity. If those topics are triggering or troublesome for you, I encourage you to skip this post. Take care of yourself!)

I’ve been struggling with body stuff a lot lately, and it’s not fun. Counting my calories alternately seems to keep me sane or make me want to tear all my hair out. Looking at my naked body in the mirror feels unbearable some days and totally neutral on other days. My feelings toward food oscillate from toxic resentment to pure sensual love. It’s… confusing.

When I have feelings that trouble me, on any subject, I always do my best to get to the root of them – to figure out where they’re coming from and what can be done about them. Like most people (especially most women), my relationship to food and exercise is about so much more than just food and exercise: it’s about gender, and self-worth, and past emotional traumas, and bone-deep insecurities. So there’s a lot of excavating to do if I want to work it all out. But I think I came up with an important insight recently, and I’d like to share it with you.

Women are socialized to understand our beauty as our most important feature. More important than our intelligence, humor, interests, professional pursuits, or even our sexual talents, our beauty is supposed to be our ongoing project and most crucial prize. Our total value as human beings is ascribed to our appearance, and that does a lot of damage.

I have internalized the idea that not only am I required to be beautiful (meaning: conventionally pretty and thin), but I am required to be beautiful all the time. Just look at the beginning of practically any fictional hetero romance: whether it takes place in a cheesy rom-com, a staid period drama, or a twisted YA novel, the “meet-cute” typically hinges on the woman looking pretty and the man noticing.

I’m an avid consumer of romantic storylines, so it’s no surprise that this trope got so deep into my head, I guess. But it sucks, because now I go through life with the sinking feeling that any moment spent looking less than beautiful is a moment wasted, an opportunity squandered. As much as my higher intellectual self tries to squash this irrational feeling, some part of me is still constantly wondering if the lover of my dreams is somewhere in my vicinity, and if, were they to see me right now, they’d be interested or just walk right by me.

It instills a scary desperation, a constant uncertainty. The last thing I ate becomes a statement on my entire morality. The time elapsed since my last workout defines what kind of love I deserve. My ability to attract the attention of some handsome suitor becomes the single most important measurement of my value as a human being.

Of course, I know this isn’t really true. I know there is more to me than my face and my body. I even know that I’m capable of love no matter what size I am, because I’ve dated at my fattest and at my thinnest and no one has ever run screaming out of the room at the sight of my naked body. Far from it: I’ve had my curves praised, lusted after, worshiped.

But I’m single now, and shy, and anxious, so the worries creep in. And the result has become all too clear in recent months: food has lost its joy for me, because it mostly makes me feel guilty; I exercise out of obligation instead of genuine desire; and my guard is always up when I’m out. What do these people think of me? Do I look good enough to be in public right now? Am I performing “beautiful femininity” well enough?

Well, fuck that shit. I am valuable whether or not I’m “fuckable” and so are you. No matter how much your silly brain might try to trip you up, the fact is that different people are attracted to different things and so if your hygiene is acceptable and you’re a basically pleasant person to be around, someone out there will be into you. Promise.

But, beyond that, it also has to be said that being loved romantically is not the most important thing in the universe. Sometimes I get so caught up in desperate romantic wishes that I forget about the love I already have in my life: family, friends, passions, excitements, even my love for myself (which does exist, somewhere under all the layers of self-criticism).

Sometimes I watch the way men interact, and the kinds of things they talk about, and I realize that men are valued – and value themselves – for who they are and what they do, not what kind of mate they can or cannot attract. I need to reject the patriarchal paradigm which says I am only as valuable as the number of dudes who want to get in my pants. I do so much cool shit and I am so smart, funny, kind, clever and delightful. That should be enough. That is enough.

It’s still a daily struggle to figure out how to live comfortably in my body without upsetting my mind (or vice versa), but these revelations have been helpful to me. I breathe a little easier knowing my fears are unfounded and silly.

Have you battled similar thoughts and concerns around body image or romantic/sexual desirability? How did/do you deal?

10 Reasons Everyone Should Own a Magic Wand

Kate Sloan

It’s strange when a legendary entity changes its name. It’s like that horrible moment in 2008 when I thought I was going to have to start calling Beyoncé “Sasha Fierce.” I mean… she’s Beyoncé. Come on.

That’s how I felt when one of the most famous sex toys in the known universe had its name changed from the Hitachi Magic Wand to simply the Magic Wand.

Of course, I still call it “the Hitachi” around other sex toy geeks. Just like how Prince’s friends probably still called him Prince even when he was using an unpronounceable symbol as his moniker. “Whatever, Prince,” they probably said to him before leaping into his swimming pool full of purple beachballs, or whatever the hell Prince’s friends do when they visit his house.

Anyway… Here are 10 reasons why owning a Hitachi – excuse me, Magic Wand – is imperative to your existence, regardless of what genitals you have or what kind of person you tend to fuck.

1. Let’s face it: it will probably make you come. This, of course, is why it’s endured as a sex toy legend for as long as it has: it simply creates more sensation than almost every other vibrator on the market. It’s ridiculously, appallingly strong. Hold it on your clit or your cock or maybe even your inner thigh or perineum or buttcheek and it’s quite likely you’ll get off in short order, or at least get quite turned on.

2. Clothing removal is not required. How many of your sex toys can you say that about? I can’t count the number of times I’ve whipped out my Magic Wand simply because I was too lazy to take off my pants, and it’s worked. It feels futuristic, ultra-convenient, too good to be true: an orgasm machine that causes minimal inconvenience. Yes, please.

3. It soothes sore muscles. Oh yeah, this is actually what it was designed to do. The quest for orgasm has led to the Magic Wand’s original purpose being bastardized, to the point that Hitachi divested itself of the property – but that doesn’t mean you can’t kick it old-school and use your Magic Wand on your actual, non-sexual muscles. Press it to your back, shoulders, neck, whatever, and feel the tension dissolve. Mmm.

4. It is the bomb dot com for period pains. I am using the phrase “period pains” in the most general sense here. Got cramps? Press the Magic Wand against your womb area until that clenching hellfire numbs out a little. Got overall aches and pains because periods are fucking miserable? Ditto: put the wand where you need it. Feel lethargic, sad, deadened, or otherwise in need of a mid-period pick-me-up? Wring an orgasm or two out of the wand and I am 87% sure you’ll feel better when you’re done. The Magic Wand is basically one big fuck-you to periods, which, hell yeah.

5. You can use it around the world. Well, anywhere there are working outlets, that is. Grab an outlet adaptor for wherever you’re visiting, or if you’re Europe-bound, pick up the UK version of the wand before you go. The wand may not be a suitcase space-saver, but if a customs agent rips apart your bag and lobs nosy questions at you in the security line, you can calmly tell him that the white and blue monster is for your “neck pain.” Haters gonna hate.

6. It’s basically a white noise machine. Okay, I’m not advocating that you leave your wand running all night while you sleep, unless fire hazards turn you on (no, seriously, don’t do this). But I am saying that if you ever feel weird about moaning into a silent room, the Magic Wand can sorta help with that. It gives you a baseline buzz to layer your sounds on top of, so you might feel a little more comfortable letting loose.

7. It breathes new life into non-vibrating toys. Should you ever get bored with a dildo or butt plug, or just want a little more stimulation, hold the head of the wand to the base of the toy while it’s inside you or your partner. Instant tooth-chattering rumbly action. You can even angle the wand in such a way that it stimulates the clit/balls/perineum while making the internal toy tremble, and that is a wondrous combo of sensations, lemme tell ya.

8. It is the forced orgasm prop. If your partner has a forced orgasm kink, there’s pretty much no better way to fulfill it than to tie them up and hold or strap a Magic Wand to their genitals until they’re begging for mercy. (Just make sure to remind them that they might need to yell their safeword a little louder than usual, should the session go that way. The wand takes up a fair bit of sonic real estate.)

9. It works well for medical play, too. I can see it now: your partner puts your legs in stirrups, murmurs “Now just relax, this is a totally routine examination,” snaps some latex gloves onto their hands, and lays out on the table in front of you: a bottle of lube, a speculum, and a Magic Wand. Uh, fuck yes. Sign me up.

10. It just might make you squirt. Legendary ejaculator Shannon Bell has been known to squirt with the assistance of a Magic Wand and an accompanying G-spot attachment. If your pressure-based attempts at female ejaculation have fallen flat, maybe jackhammer-esque vibration is the ticket instead. May as well give it a shot!

What’s your favorite way to use a Magic Wand?

This post was made possible by the lovely folks at MaxiWand.com!

New Year’s Resolutions for Sex-Positive Do-Gooders

Kate Sloan

December is one of my favorite months, because I love obsessively plotting how I’m going to change when the new year rolls around. Even if the changes don’t stick, that weeks-long period of planning is delicious. But, of course, it’s better if the changes do stick!

I’m going to do another post all about my personal sexual goals for 2015 when it gets a little closer to the new year, but for now, here are some new year’s resolutions you might want to think about adopting for yourself. At the very least, you can use them as a starting point for brainstorming your own big changes and exciting plans!

Volunteer your time at a pro-sex cause.

I have some friends who volunteer at Planned Parenthood’s TEACH program, and some other friends who do work for their local campus sex education centres. I know someone who helps abortion clinic visitors get from the street into the clinic without being accosted by protesters. As for me, I’ve spent years helping out at an emotional support hotline for LGBT youth and an online community for gender-non-conforming folks. These are just a few of the ways you can contribute to your local sex-positive scene.

Volunteering is a really rewarding way to spend your time. It might be something for you to consider if you’ve been feeling a little purposeless or directionless lately, or even if you just want to make some new friends and fill out your days (or pad your resumé!) a little more.

Take up a positive practice for your body.

I don’t just mean “have more athletic sex.” Although, you could always do that too.

In this mind-centered, desk-oriented culture, too many of us ignore our bodies and get all up in our heads. This can result in a feeling of disembodiment, and often, a lot of aches and pains. (I myself have been dealing with a stubborn shoulder-and-neck situation for weeks from overcommitting to desk work. Yuck.)

Here are some habits you could take up in 2015 that would be really good for your body: yoga, swimming, pilates, jogging, long meditative walks, dance classes, cardio classes, strength training, hula hooping, getting regular massages, starting every morning with a few minutes of stretching… Pick something which feels manageable for your body, lifestyle, and finances, and which makes your heart leap in your chest at the thought of it!

Invest in your sexual health.

Throw out all your nylon underwear and buy all-cotton pairs. Get a menstrual cup if you’ve been wanting one. Upgrade your birth control to a longer-term and/or less annoying form. Ditch and replace any toxic or porous toys you own. Go get those STI tests you’ve been putting off.

Make your frequent sex location(s) more inviting.

It is amazing what new bedding and a few scented candles can accomplish!

Think: what bums you out about the place(s) where you most often have sex, and how could you solve those problems? Mood lighting, better heating, air freshener, wall art? Curtains, carpeting, a neater organization system? Groovier music? Make it happen!

Go deeper into your gender.

Weird phrasing, maybe, but here’s what I mean: whatever gender(s) you identify as, you probably feel hotter/cuter/better when you go balls-to-the-wall with your gender presentation.

Think about what visual or tactile elements could increase the pleasure you take in your gender presentation, and try to incorporate them more often. I’m femme as fuck so for me this would mean things like wearing lipstick more regularly, buying warmer tights so I can wear skirts and dresses more often, and stepping up my skincare and haircare so I feel prettier on a day-to-day basis. How could you enhance, and luxuriate in, your gender as much as possible next year?

Be a sex-positive friend.

I’m going to write a full post about this eventually, because I think it’s really important to support your friends non-judgmentally in their (safe, consensual) sexual endeavors.

If you’ve got a friend who’s never been to a sex shop, maybe you could take them. If your buddy gets nervous about going to get tested, you could accompany them to the clinic. If your amigo expresses interest in an unusual fetish or sexual practice, you could help them do their research while affirming and encouraging their explorations. Be like a sexy fairy godmother to all your nearest and dearest!

What do you hope to do differently in 2015?

My Favorite Sex Podcasts

Kate Sloan

I’ve been listening to podcasts for 10 years. GOOD LORD, I’M OLD.

Back during the infancy of the medium, I was 12 years old, and even then I was a sex geek. I remember walking between classes at middle school and listening to Kidder Kaper talking about anal sex, fisting, female ejaculation, and all sorts of other things (conveniently ignoring the warning at the top of every show that you had to be 18+ to listen to it). I felt like a spy; on the outside I looked like an innocent little girl, but my ears and brain were sharing a delicious repartee about wonderfully nasty things.

Contrary to what some folks would posit, consuming sex information at such a young age didn’t mess me up; in fact, I think it made me safer and more conscious about sexuality. And I still listen to sex podcasts to this day. Here are some of my favorites…

Sex is Fun is the first sex podcast I remember ever listening to. It’s not being made anymore, but it had a good run and I think I listened to every single episode. (You can still listen to the whole archive on the show’s website.)

Each episode focuses on a specific topic related to sexuality. In the earlier shows, they were often fairly basic topics, like masturbation, oral sex, and anal sex; later on, they progressed to more complex issues, and also did occasional interviews with sexpert superstars like Susie Bright and Deborah Sundahl.

Different hosts rotated in and out of the show at different times in its progression, but what they all had in common was that they were articulate, smart, knew a lot about sex, and held a completely non-judgmental attitude about everything sex-related (provided it was all safe, sane and consensual, of course). I may not remember the details of individual episodes anymore, but what I vividly remember is that all-accepting, sex-positive attitude. I sincerely think it shaped all the sexual attitudes and beliefs I formed as I grew up – for the better.

Try these episodes: The team talks to Deborah Sundahl about G-spots and female ejaculation. A controversial discussion on ecstatic/orgasmic birth. HIV 101 with HIV/AIDS educator Gay Rick.

Open Source Sex is/was (I’m not sure if she’s still making it?) a podcast created and hosted by Violet Blue, who, if you don’t know, is an amazingly prolific writer, editor, and media-maker in the realms of sex and digital security. In other words, she’s a sex geek and a tech geek. And she has an incredibly gorgeous, sexy voice that’s ultra-soothing to listen to.

She does all sorts of different things on her podcast: discusses sexual issues, interviews sex-world celebrities, and reads erotic and instructional excerpts from her own books and other people’s. It’s a smorgasbord of information and titillation that could bring value to the life of any sex nerd.

Try these episodes: An interview with Shine Louise Houston, creator of the Crash Pad Series. Genital flavors: why you taste the way you do, and how to make changes if you want to. Excerpts from The Castle, a BDSM novel.

Sex Out Loud is Tristan Taormino’s podcast. Tristan needs no introduction because everyone in the sex world knows about her, but incase you don’t: she directs hot-as-fuck porn, writes and edits books about sex and non-monogamy, gives lectures and workshops, co-founded the Feminist Porn Conference, and now hosts this podcast.

Each episode of Sex Out Loud is an in-depth interview with someone who is doing interesting things within their little pocket of sexuality subculture. I started by listening to interviews with people I already knew, and then delved into those with folks I’d never heard of – and I learned new and interesting things from each and every episode.

Try these episodes: A fascinating discussion with Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex At Dawn. Tristan chats with S. Bear Bergman, author of Butch is a Noun and various other books that I love. Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross on the politics of female masturbation.

The Savage Lovecast is Dan Savage’s podcast. I recognize that lots of people in the sex-positive world take issue with Dan Savage for various reasons, and I agree with them on many of those points. But I can’t deny that I find Dan very entertaining and I think his contributions to LGBT rights advocacy have been overall positive.

Each episode of the Lovecast starts with a “rant” from Dan on some sexual or political (or both) topic that’s in the news. Then he plays calls from listeners and gives them advice. The questions can range from commonplace and vanilla (“How do I come out to my parents?” or “Why doesn’t my girlfriend get off during intercourse?”) to complex and unusual (“Should I have been nicer when I rejected that guy with an adult baby fetish?” or “I found my dad’s stash of ladies’ panties and he had a pair of mine in there; what should I do?”). Dan almost always takes a strong stance one way or the other, and even when I don’t agree with him, I find his responses amusing and thought-provoking.

Try these episodes: Uh, seriously, any of them. They’re all great. Pick one and press play.

Why Are People Into That? is the newest podcast out of all of these. I saw a flier for it when I was at the Feminist Porn Conference and literally gasped as I grabbed one, because the title of this show is the question that fascinates me most about sexuality. Why are people into that?

The show is hosted by Tina Horn, porn performer, sex worker, and writer. She’s smart as a whip, relentlessly thoughtful, and endlessly curious about sex. Each episode has a different guest with whom she discusses a particular fetish or kink, usually one that the person themselves is into.

The discussions are pretty free-form and meandering, like real-life conversations, only they’re a hell of a lot smarter and more interesting than many of the conversations I have in real life!

Try these episodes: Sinclair Sexsmith on power. James Darling on high heels. Siouxsie Q on age play.

Other sex podcasts I’ve heard are good, but haven’t personally gotten the chance to listen to yet:

• The Whorecast

• Sex With Emily

• Sex Nerd Sandra

What are your favorite podcasts about sex?

Sex Toys For Weirdly Specific Demographics

Kate Sloan

Lelo is launching a sex toy for bankers. (I know. I don’t get it either.) When I received the press release, I started thinking… what if other seemingly random demographics also had their own specially-tailored sex toys?

For musicians: A vibrator where each setting creates a sound at a specific pitch. You can use it to help you tune your instrument when you don’t have access to a tuning fork or a digital tuner. You can quiz your lover who claims to have perfect pitch, while distracting them with pleasure. You can even play little songs. There could be vibration patterns that play recognizable tunes, like Old MacDonald Had a Farm and Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star.

For sex bloggers: A vibrator with a built-in voice recorder so you can narrate your experience aloud as you masturbate, to refer back to later when you’re drafting your blog post. “It feels like a tiny jackhammer… The buttons are hard to push… Man, this is taking forever to get me off!”

For people concerned with protecting themselves: A weighty dildo that can double as a weapon in dire times. (Oh, wait, the Njoy Eleven already has that on lockdown.)

For people who get frequent UTIs: A vibrator that can tell if you use it for penetration, and if you do, once you’re done, it loudly yells at you to go and pee and doesn’t stop until you’ve peed. (I don’t know how it would be able to tell, but I’m sure there’s a mechanical engineer out there who could figure this out.)

For procrastinators: A vibrator that will only turn on when you’ve successfully cleared your inbox/submitted your essay/cleaned your room/whatever.

For masochists: A vibrator with two dials: one that controls the vibration strength, and one that controls the speed or intensity of the little mechanical arms that scratch your thighs, dig into your skin or spank your ass. (I am picturing this toy and it looks like a mechanical spider to me. I’m freaked out and intrigued.)

For sadists: A Fleshlight-esque masturbator that makes humanoid noises of varying degrees of desperation and pain, depending on how hard and fast you thrust into it.

For camgirls: A dildo or vibrator fitted with two small cameras – a lighted one that can see inside you as you use the toy on yourself, and one that extends from the base for a wider shot of the action – that wirelessly connect to your computer to livestream your activities.

For balloon fetishists: A dildo that responds to kegel clenching by making progressively louder balloon-popping sounds… which turn you on even more… which leads to more clenching… It’s a delicious cycle.

What would a sex toy specifically for your demographic be like?