Musings

The Charm of Cunnilingus

Kate Sloan

Sometimes I ask myself why I’m so obsessed with cunnilingus. The word, the concept, the act, all loom large in my sexual fantasies and my sexual life. When I filled out compatibility questions for OkCupid, I made it mandatory that all potential matches “love performing oral sex.” That’s how into cunnilingus I am.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s a proclivity that developed due to the fact that my first sexual relationship consisted almost entirely of cunnilingus… but when I’m honest with myself, I know that the preoccupation dates back further than that. I remember writing oral-soaked fan fiction when I was a wee thing. I remember masturbating by rubbing my teddy bear’s face against my vulva. I remember imagining that the bath water cascading onto my clit was the tongue of an attentive lover.

Some time ago, I started a cunnilingus-themed blog, its aim to collect a whole bunch of images, text, and videos on the topic into one area, for fellow enthusiasts to enjoy. I was proud of the blog, and treasured the feeling that I was filling a void where there had been very little before. But as proud as I was, it was still difficult for me to tell my boyfriend (who, at the time, I’d only been dating for a month or two) about my blog, because I worried he’d think I was some kind of oral sex addict. I didn’t want to come off as sexually selfish.

After he started going down on me regularly, though, I felt like the taboo was lifted. He was clearly a fan of it too (hell, we’d met on OkCupid, which I’d set up to guarantee this for me) and I felt able to open up about my sexual obsession. I told him about my blog, and we discussed what made cunnilingus such a magical, beautiful thing.

Here’s my theory:

Penises want warm, wet things to surround them. That is their goal in life. So whether it be a pussy or a mouth or a well-lubed ass, that need is being met fairly regularly for the vast majority of men in sexual relationships.

The clitoris is analogous to the penis, so it stands to reason that it would crave the same warm, wet sensations – but it doesn’t get them in most typical forms of sex and masturbation. Doesn’t matter how intense the vibrator, how fast the fingers, or how well-angled the pubic bone – it’s not warm, it’s not wet, it’s not entirely fulfilling (at least in my case).

In that way, I feel that it would be 100% reasonable and expectable for a woman to consider cunnilingus mandatory in all of her sexual relationships. Naturally, not every woman likes receiving oral sex and not every partner is interested in giving it, but no woman should ever be shamed out of asking for oral if it’s what she wants. It’s every bit as valid, important, and wonderful as a blowjob could ever be.

I also feel that, as women, we are constantly being told that there’s something wrong with our genitals – clit too big, labia too long, pussy too loose, too tangy, too smelly, what have you – and so there’s something incredibly powerful about someone being willing, even wanting, to take all that into their mouth. True, there are also men who feel ashamed of their junk, but I don’t think it’s as systematic and pervasive as vagina-hate.

To this day, cunnilingus is still the fastest way to get me going. I would almost consider it a fetish (though, arguably, “standard” sexual acts can’t really be “fetishes,” since they aren’t exactly deviant or different) because I pretty much have to be either receiving it or thinking about it to be able to reach orgasm.

I’m lucky enough to have a lover who loves the whole concept of pussy-eating as much as I do. It’s a part of our experience almost every time we have sex, because it’s something we mutually enjoy very much. And it helps get me primed so I can come much easier during intercourse – always a plus, for both of us!

I wish I could go back in time and talk to my younger self. After giving her a loving lecture on the importance of self-acceptance and not giving a damn what anyone thinks, I’d add, “You know how you love the idea of someone going down on you? Yeah, that’s going to happen a lot when you’re older. Just wait it out.” I know she’d be totally stoked.

Readers: What’s your relationship with cunnilingus? What are your thoughts on how it’s depicted in porn and mainstream media? Got any recommendations of must-see videos, images, or text for a cunnilingus enthusiast?

10 Juicy Challenges for Masturbation Month

Kate Sloan

Yes, it’s finally here! May is Masturbation Month. Pull out your bullets and eggs. Plug in your Hitachi. Lube up your dildo. Get ready to come! And if you feel like mixing up your routine, here are some ways you can challenge yourself to masturbate better, stronger, faster. I’ll certainly be trying these out and I hope you will too! Feel free to report back in the comments section.

1. Switch up your timing. Are you a let’s-get-‘er-done masturbator? If so, take the time to tease yourself up to a long, slow climax. Alternatively, if you’re already slow at jerkin’ it, try to break your personal record. Can you get off in under five minutes? How about one minute?

2. Switch up your stimulus. Whatever you use to “warm yourself up,” whether it be porn, erotica, light teasing touches, or nothing at all, I want you to try out a new method that you’ve barely dabbled in before. See how it affects your sexual response.

3. Switch up your tools. If you are a vibrator-only type of gal, I want you to work at using your fingers to get yourself off this month! Also consider trying out completely new-to-you textures and materials – a ribbed glass dildo, a clit pump, an oscillating massager, whatever works! Never tried a sex toy before? Now is the time!

4. Switch up your location. Get out of bed, ditch your computer chair, and go find a spot that’s a little more challenging. I’m not suggesting you whip it out in front of a crowd of schoolchildren, but maybe you could get busy with yourself on a rooftop, in a friend’s bathroom, in a sketchy porn shop viewing booth, or up in a tree. The possibilities are endless. And hey, if you’ve never masturbated in the bath before, try it, it’s great.

5. Switch up your method. That one technique that works for you and gets you off every time? Throw it out the window for a little while. See if you can find something that works just as well. MyMasturbation.com has zillions of techniques listed, if you’re at a loss!

6. Switch up your thinking. Do you think of masturbation as strictly utilitarian, like I (sometimes) do? Maybe start viewing it as a way of honouring your body for all that it does for you. Or as a way of thanking the universe for giving you the ability to feel pleasure. Or as a way to be self-sufficient and to not need anyone else to turn your crank for you.

7. Switch up your audience. Is your teddy bear the only one who gets to see you jerk off? Maybe you should do something about that. Cam4 and similar sites can feel a bit off-putting at first, because of the hordes of voyeuristic straight guys who will shout commands at you… but if you just ignore them and put on a show (which doesn’t have to feature your face at all), you may find that you enjoy playing to a crowd.

8. Switch up your fantasies. If you’re not sure where to start with this one, I highly recommend picking up a book of kinky erotica – they’re full of fresh ideas. You could also just pick a celebrity you find extremely sexy and imagine them fucking you in a variety of creative ways…

9. Switch up your inhibitions. I want you to talk to at least one person about masturbation this month – one person you’ve never spoken to about this subject before. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and the more we open up about it like it’s nothing, the more it’ll start to feel that way for everyone. Even if you just tell a new friend about a nifty sex toy you saw online, that’s still a step in the right (sex-positive) direction!

10. Switch up your orgasms. Ever tried to have multiple orgasms? How about a G-spot orgasm? Squirting? Prostate play (if you’re a fella)? Ever wondered if you can come from extended nipple stimulation? Or from squeezing your thighs together? Or from thought alone? There are so many ways to orgasm, and most of us limit ourselves to only one or two orgasmic avenues. Branch out!

Readers: How will you be challenging your masturbatory habits this month? Let us know how it goes!

Top 10 Songs to Ironically Have Sex To

Kate Sloan

I’ll be the first to admit that my taste in music is somewhat dorky. Not all of it is cringeworthy, but it’s been enough to make my lovers lift their heads from between my thighs to say, “Why are we listening to this?” I can’t help it – I love a good, sexy jam. So I’ve collected my ten favorites here, in the hopes that I can introduce you to a track that’ll take your sex life from good to groooovaaaay.

1. Usher – Twork It Out. This song makes Usher sound like the world’s most epic lover, as these R&B slowjams tend to do. And of course, the song is interspersed with occasional female moans of ecstacy. Now that I’ve got you all soaking wet, I’ll bet you know what’s coming next… You.

2. Snoop Dogg – Sexual Eruption. Gotta love a good euphemism for orgasm. This, again, is a song that mostly consists of male sexual braggery… but it’s kinda hot. I’m gonna take my time; she gon’ get hers before I.

3. Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On. On a list like this, there’s no way to avoid this classic lovemakin’ anthem. It’s sweet and adoring and pleading and honest. There’s nothin’ wrong with me loving you – and giving yourself to me can never be wrong, if the love is true.

4. Maroon 5 – Secret. I remember reading in some gross teen magazine that Ashlee Simpson thinks of this as the world’s sexiest song. I can’t disagree – it’s about straight-up sexual desire, and has that kind of groove that makes you want to grind on someone. I know I don’t know you, but I want you so bad.

5. Rihanna ft. Drake – What’s My Name? This is a song about cunnilingus. It’s about a woman demanding that a man prove himself to her via his sexual prowess. And it makes me want to sit on a sub fella’s face. Hey boy, I really wanna see if you can go downtown with a girl like me… I need a boy to take it over, looking for a guy to put in work.

6. Daniel Bedingfield – Without the Girl. This song really has nothing to do with sex (unless you count the subtext of unrequited love, which is sexual frustration and masturbation), but it has that “I could fuck to this” sound, so it made the list. She is my sunshine, but her heart belongs to another man.

7. Christina Aguilera – Loving Me For Me. (I know, I know. Don’t hate me.) “Xtina” has other songs which are more sex-centric than this one, but it’s still this one that I used to jerk off to, before I discovered porn… because this is a song about a comfortable relationship that happens to include great sex, and that’s hot. Your lips, your eyes, your smile, your kiss, I must admit, it’s a part of me… You please me, completely, filling me, like a melody.

8. O-Town – Sexiest Woman Alive. Genuine compliments will always be sexy. And the ensuing confidence will always be sexy. Ladies, if you need a pre-sex “get-pumped” song to make you feel like a bombshell, this might be it. When you walk into a room, the first reaction’s “Ooh” – every guy around just wants to sweat ya.

9. Lovage – Sex (I’m A). Lovage’s one album is entitled “Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By,” so that should give you some indication of what this music is for. And it does the trick. It also includes a weird middle section where a woman with an Eastern European accent explains why men have affairs. I’m a man, I’m a goddess, I’m a virgin, I’m a blue movie, I’m a bitch, I’m a geisha, I’m a little girl, and we’ll make love together.

10. Reverie Sound Revue – One Marathon. Another unrequited love song? Yeah, apparently they contain a lot of unspoken sexual tension, which I dig. This one is jazzy and goes down smooth. But I know you know, I must swear you hear me say, “No – our misses are not a plan.” So I miss you, and I run through you.

9 Inches? Who Gives a Fuck?

Kate Sloan

I’m tired of the penis size debate.

Yeah, I said it. I’m tired of those 8-inchers who think they’re great lovers just because of their measurements. I’m tired of guys with borderline micropenises constantly fretting. I’m tired of average-cocked guys desperately wondering if they’ll be able to “satisfy” their ladies. Just drop it, okay?!

Aside from much-quoted facts, like the fact that the average penis is somewhere around 5.25 inches, and trite-but-true sayings that refer to the “motion of the ocean,” it seems there isn’t much that can be said to comfort this issue. Which is why I hereby present to you my list of things that are significantly more important than penis size. Tell your anxious friends and enjoy!

1. Enthusiasm. You could be a virgin with no experience or knowledge to speak of, but as long as you’re genuinely enthusiastic about sex, you’ll be fine. Enthusiastic people learn faster and more thoroughly – and more importantly, having sex with them is fun.

2. Open-mindedness. How would you feel if your girlfriend wanted you to use a dildo on her during oral sex? What if your boyfriend wanted you to tie him up and call him a slut? What would you say if your lover relished a good hard spanking while dressed up like a nurse? Being open to sexual possibilities is one of the best qualities you can have if you want to lead an exciting life.

3. Communication skills. If you can’t tell your lover what you like, you’re never going to get it. Likewise, if you can’t really listen to and absorb what your lover requests, you’re never going to fully satisfy them. Get good at talking and listening, and at doing so without shame or apprehension, and you will have exponentially better sex than most people are having.

4. Attentiveness. Are you attuned enough that you can detect the difference between your lover’s pleasure noises and their pain noises? Of course, much of the burden rests on them to let you know when something has gone awry, but you still have to be aware of what’s going on. Attentiveness also means you’re aware of when something is working for your partner, and you file away that piece of information for later use. Does she like circles on her clit hood? Remember that, and make use of it. She’ll thank you profusely.

5. The “motion of the ocean.” Yes, this is a major cliché, but it is important. Some women like rough jackhammering right on their G-spot, some prefer gentle thrusts that shallowly stroke the vaginal opening, and there are all sorts of combinations in between. Sex isn’t just about the in-and-out; mix it up, try things out, be creative with your cock!

6. Generosity. I contemplated making “tongue and finger skills” a point on this list, but really, oral and manual prowess will come naturally over time if you are a sexually generous person. It’s more important that you want it – you’ll develop your skills along the way, but your desire to be generous is the hottest thing of all.

7. A sense of humor. Sex is fun and often kind of funny. Sleeping with someone who understands this is a total delight. Don’t make it into some serious affair; it shouldn’t be arduous work.

8. Confidence. If you really do feel insecure about the size of your peen, don’t let it show. “Fake it ‘til you make it,” as they say. Insecurity is never sexy – and you have no reason to be insecure, anyway, as long as you take into consideration what I’ve written in this post. No one’s going to get mad if you’re not a sex god right away, so quit freaking out and just rock it.

You know you’re a sex nerd when…

Kate Sloan

…you use the words “cunnilingus” and “fellatio” all the time in regular conversation.

…you’re taken aback by any woman who’s upset she can’t climax from intercourse alone, and throw statistics at her.

…you spend a disproportionate amount of time idly surfing Lelo, Njoy, Liberator, and Jimmyjane’s websites.

…you go to a sex shop with a friend and spend the entire time doing mini-reviews of every toy you see, regardless of whether or not you yourself have used it.

…your friends know to ask you if they have a sexual problem or need a toy recommendation.

…you own both The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio and The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus, have read both thoroughly, and lend them out as needed.

…you quote Violet Blue, Kidder Kaper, Dan Savage, and Tristan Taormino in everyday life.

…you periodically make a huge event out of putting your sex toys in boiling water to sterilize them.

…you react in utter horror to jelly toys.

…you explain to your partner, during sex, the benefits and drawbacks of the position you’re in, and suggest possible alternatives and alterations.

…you have a favorite kind of condom, and you order it in bulk online.

…you’ve repurposed your Lelo boxes into storage for lube and butt plugs.

…the slightest hesitance on your partner’s part causes you to ask them a series of questions to make sure you’re respecting their boundaries.

…you’ve done MojoUpgrade at least 5 times.

…you’ve taken one of your parents to a sex shop before, at their request.

…you know the layout of your local sex boutique so well that you’re thrown off when they change it at all.

…you know the nutritional information and caloric content of semen, menstrual blood, female ejaculatory fluid, and various kinds of flavored lube.

…you own several thick, dark, large towels.

…your first response to any plea for sexual advice is “Ask your partner what they think!”

…you know the efficacy rates of all the birth control methods off the top of your head.

…your masturbation sessions are more like lab experiments.