Personal

Everyone I’ve Ever Fucked Is a Taurus

Kate Sloan

Do you ever make lists of all the unifying qualities of the people you’ve romanced and banged? Or am I the only resident of that particular neighborhood in Nerd-town?

I don’t know why it took me so long, given my penchant for list-making, to realize that both of the people I’ve had sex with are astrological Taureans. I’m a Taurus myself, so it really should have clicked sooner.

Whether or not you believe in astrology (and I’m certainly not sure about it, myself), what I know for certain is that both of those partners embodied all the classic Taurean traits, as do I. We’re fiercely loyal and trustworthy. We’re reliable; you can count on us. We’re creative, passionate, and hellbent on the finer things in life. On the other hand, we’re known to be stubborn, self-indulgent, lazy, and sometimes closed-minded.

How does this translate to the bedroom? Lots of different ways, I’m sure – Taureans aren’t a hive-mind. In my experience, though, Taurus-on-Taurus fucking is consistently and dependably good, but it can veer into the land of routines and ruts a little too easily.

You know those times when you’re trying to decide where to go for dinner, and you and your friend or partner keep asking each other, “Where do you want to go?” “Well, where do you want to go?” Neither one of you wants to rock the boat by suggesting something out-there or new. It may very well be that you’d both love to try that quirky Scandinavian bistro that just opened up down the road, but unless someone actually comes out and says that, it ain’t gonna happen.

That’s sort of what it’s been like when I’ve slept with other Taureans. I knew what I liked, I knew what my partner liked, we knew what had worked for us in the past and would continue to work for us – but we rarely went out on a limb and suggested something new.

I could happily eat steak and fries for dinner every night and not get sick of it. And I do mean every night, like, for at least a year. That’s also how I feel about certain sexual acts, like receiving oral and then getting fucked doggie-style. I could easily do that every time I have sex and it would take me a damn long time to start feeling bored. I know that’s true because I’ve lived it. When us Taureans found the routine that worked for us, we stuck to it pretty closely. And we liked it – that’s why it became a routine in the first place, after all – but we might’ve also liked other, different things, if we’d bothered to try them.

My best friend is a Sagittarius. Her sign is known to be adventurous, sometimes to the point of recklessness. That quality is one of my favorite things about her, and one of the reasons we’re so drawn to each other as friends. If she needs some Taurean comfort, she can come to me, and we’ll go to our favorite sushi restaurant and then maybe watch a movie we’ve seen 50 times before, and laugh at all the same jokes. But when I need a Sagittarian shake-up, she can help me with that. We’ll go explore a random ravine, or check out art galleries downtown, or get on a bus to Montreal.

I guess what I’m saying is… As much as I love other Taureans, and as familiar and comforting they feel to the very core of me, I don’t know if I want to fuck them anymore. At least, not the very Taurus-y Taureans like me. The sex is fantastic but it’s not an adventure. And I think it’s time I had some goddamn sexual adventures.

What are your thoughts on sexual astrology? Is there a particular sign with whom you tend to have amazing sex, or terrible sex? Is there a sign you tend to adore, or can’t stand?

#DidYouJerkOffToday: Some Initial Observations

Kate Sloan

As you already know if you follow me on Twitter, I’ve given myself a challenge in honor of Masturbation Month: I’m forcing myself to masturbate to orgasm at least once a day for the whole month.

The experiment is still playing out, but here’s what I’ve observed so far:

• Daily orgasms have definitely increased my libido. I find myself getting spontaneously turned on in the middle of the day and needing to do something about it, which ordinarily would only happen a few times a month, if that.

• Further to that: although I’m not typically prone to multiple orgasms, there have been days during this challenge when I’ve needed to get off more than once a day. I’ll have one orgasm, go and do something else for an hour or two, and then suddenly notice that I’m still turned on. That’s incredibly rare for me but it’s been commonplace during this challenge.

• On the other hand, there have also been days when I’ve felt completely demotivated, and had to dredge up an orgasm using the strongest vibrators and dirtiest fantasies in my arsenal if it was going to happen at all. I suppose it’s natural that if you force yourself to do something every day, it’s going to feel like an obligation at least some of the time.

• As per usual for me, having orgasms more frequently has made them a) more difficult to achieve and b) stronger. So, there are positives and negatives. (Let’s be real, though: it’s mostly positives. I mean, I’m having a fuckton of orgasms. That’s pretty rad, any way you slice it.)

Have you been celebrating Masturbation Month in any particular way? Wanna tell me about it?

Dude, What the Fuck, This Blog is 3 Years Old Today

Kate Sloan

Oh gosh. My baby blog turns three today. I think I might cry.

When I started this blog, I was 19 years old and had only recently recovered from a crippling fear of penises. I was taking a year off between high school and university, and had very little idea of what I wanted to do with my life. All I really knew was that I loved writing about sex and had a lot of thoughts to share on that topic – plus I liked the thought of getting free sex toys – so starting a blog seemed to make sense.

At first it was just a casual side project, a labor of love. My boyfriend at the time was very encouraging and let me write about our sex life as much as I wanted, god bless him. He even tested out weird couples’ sex toys with me. This blog probably wouldn’t be here if not for him, so he deserves a shout-out, even though we broke up more than 6 months ago and I haven’t spoken to him since. (Sad trombone!)

After a couple months of blogging, my sex toy collection had grown to 25 toys. It’s now up around 150 somewhere – I don’t have the time or energy to count, to be honest with you!

I think my feminism has evolved a lot since I started this blog. It was always my goal to approach my writing from a sex-positive feminist perspective, but that’s an ongoing process and transformation and I never have been (and never will be) perfect at it. I think I’m more inclusive of trans and non-binary folks in my writing now, for example. (Well, I hope! Please call me out if I’m not.)

I also think I’ve become a way better writer! Six months after starting my blog, I headed off to journalism school, where I’m now in my third year. Granted, news briefs and feature articles are quite different in tone (and usually content) than the sorts of things I write on my blog, but I think they all feed into each other in one way or another. The more you write (and read, and edit, and draft, and re-draft), the better you get at it. What I know for sure: some of my old posts make me cringe, but I’m generally proud of the ones I rattle off these days!

I also notice that my anonymity isn’t as crucial to me now as it was back then. Of course, I still use a pseudonym, don’t show my face, and keep my GJ identity separate from my “real-life” identity online, but it no longer stirs up a desperate fear in me to imagine that I might be “found out.” Almost everyone in my life knows I’m a sex blogger and most of them have seen the site – and in turn, some of the folks in the sex blogosphere know who I am IRL (including Reenie who I actually visited and hung out with last month!). I still intend to keep my two identities separate to protect myself (openly sexual women are still shamed and devalued in a lot of ways in our society, unfortunately), but I don’t have anxiety about it anymore.

I’m very proud of the work I’ve done, both on this blog and on my overall self-improvement. And I want you to know that I’m in this for the long haul. I’ll be writing about sex until my brain turns to mush or my fingers are too arthritis-gnarled to form words on a keyboard.

I love you so much for being a part of my social sphere, and for reading my silly musings. Thanks so much for sticking with me and contributing to this space that means so much to me.

xoxoxox GJ

My Big, Exciting, Scary, Sexy Goals for 2015

Kate Sloan

The new year is upon us! I hope you had a fun New Year’s Eve last night, and that you woke up this morning feeling refreshed and renewed, as opposed to hungover and grumbling!

Come the new year, a lot of people set resolutions for themselves. I think self-improvement is always a good use of time, but something about the vagueness of resolutions just doesn’t work for my brain. I like to set GOALS: specific, actionable tasks or projects whose completion will be immediately and entirely clear to me when it happens.

Here are some of the sex-related goals I’ve set for myself this year… Hopefully, a year from today, they’ll all be checked off my list!

1. Have casual sex.

For a sex blogger, my sexual history sure isn’t very adventurous. I’ve only ever had sex with two people: one a long-term friend with benefits and the other a long-term boyfriend.

Right now I’m too damn busy to get into another relationship so soon after ending the last one, plus I’m just not feelin’ the whole commitment/obligation thing right now. I’d rather be free and clear, at least until I find myself so head-over-heels for someone that coupledom looks more attractive than the alternative.

But although I’m relationship-phobic at the moment, I’m certainly not sex-phobic. In fact, it kind of feels like a part of me has shrivelled up and died from how long I’ve gone without sex at this point. (About eight months, I think? Shh, don’t tell anyone!!)

So one of my goals for the year is to figure out how to have casual sex in a way that feels safe, healthy and positive for me, and then do it. I’m defining “casual sex” as “sex with someone I am not, and do not intend to be, in a romantic relationship with.” I am super shy and awkward and don’t even know that many people I’d want to have sex with, so we’ll see how this goes…

(Last night I was having dinner with some friends and we got onto the topic of 2015 goals. I mentioned that this was one of mine, and one of my friends said, “Do you have a particular gender in mind for the person you want to have sex with?” I shrugged and said, “I just need to find them hot. That’s the only criteria.”)

2. Learn to get off in several different positions.

98% of the orgasms I’ve ever had in my life have happened while I was lying on my back with my legs slightly raised. It’s how I initially learned to get off so it’s always worked for me. But it can be inconvenient sometimes.

I’ve managed to come while sitting up (like on a chair while a partner kneels in front of me – oh swoon, I miss that, it was hot) and while sitting on someone’s face (definitely a lot easier if I can lean my weight on something, like the headboard of the bed) but it’s usually a lot of extra effort for me. So I’d like to practice getting off in various different positions until it starts to feel easier and more natural.

(Side note: I was inspired to take on this goal after going to see Canadian playwright Morris Panych’s latest play Sextet a few weeks ago. There is a character whose legs need to be above his penis – like, propped up on a wall – for him to reach orgasm. I won’t spoil it for you, but… comedy ensues. And it made me realize just how silly it is to limit myself to only one position!)

3. Get spanked.

This is one of those wishes I have to kind of release to the universe instead of trying to figure out how to make it happen. I don’t currently have any idea who I want to spank me or how I intend to get into a situation where this can take place. I just know that I want it, somehow, somewhere, some way.

I’ve done a fair bit of spanking play in previous relationships but now I want to try it with someone new. (Oh man. I got sexy chills just typing that.)

Interestingly, spanking also played a role in one of my 2013 goals, so apparently it’s something in which I have a keen interest…

4. Two big blog announcements.

Because I’m the queen of mystery (ha), I’m not going to tell you what they are… yet. But I have two big things planned for this blog in 2015. Both will require a lot of work and preparation, but it’s work that I am very excited about, which is the best kind!

What are your goals for 2015, sex-themed or otherwise? Got any tips for me as I pursue mine?

2014: A Year in Review

Kate Sloan

Photo by Randy Tan

Dear darlings: I hope your 2014 has been fabulous and that your 2015 will be even better. I already have lots of exciting things planned for the year ahead and I bet you do, too!

Thank you so much for sticking with me this year, reading what I write, engaging with me on Twitter and in my comments section, offering your suggestions and support, and giving me a space in which to do what I love best: publicly think big thoughts about sex.

I really do feel grateful for you, and for this space, every day. This blog has been around for over two and a half years and it has been a more creatively fulfilling and intellectually stimulating time in my life than any other!

All that said – here are my favorite blog posts I wrote this year. It’s been a weird and wonderful writing year for me!

Sex Toys

• My first post of the year was my review of the Jimmyjane Little Chroma, a toy I accused of deceptive marketing, among other things. (To this day, it sits in one of my drawers, untouched since I finished that review…)

• Another toy I hated this year: the dreadful, agonizing Lelo Ida. The pain may have been worth it, though, because my experiences with the Ida made for a good disaster story to tell at sexy storytelling event Tell Me Something Good, which I guest-judged in December.

• Inspired by a friend who says she doesn’t like vibrators because they feel like “having sex with a robot,” I wrote about reasons some people hate vibrators and possible solutions to those problems.

• My favorite review I wrote this year was my comparison between the Aslan Jaguar and RodeoH harnesses. It was fun to write, and it was even more fun to model these two gorgeous harnesses for the photos!

• I listed my top 5 all-time favorite dildos and explained why each is indispensable to my solo sex life. All hail great dongs!

Porn

• Some friends of mine founded Spit and I reviewed it. Spoiler alert: I loved it. And since I wrote that review, they have delved into the world of video: check out this hot Scarlet and Calvin scene and Emma getting frisky with a pomegranate!

• As always, I had a wonderful time at Feminist Porn Week, so I wrote about the highlights. Periodically I still look at that picture of Dylan Ryan and Danny Wylde and just sigh in contented disbelief that I was ever in a room with those two eloquent stunners.

• I reviewed Erika Lust’s XConfessions site and swooned over the splendid visuals and hot premises. Yum yum.

How-To Guides and Lists

• My most popular post of the year, bar none, was the piece I wrote about how to fulfill your fetish online without being an asshole. It seems to have struck a chord with fetishists and harassment victims alike. If one of your 2015 resolutions is to be a kinder, more respectful person in the sexual realm, you might want to give this one a read. (And if you’ve resolved, instead, to be less of a doormat when people harass you, feel free to forward them the link!)

• Another very popular post of mine this year was my guide to accepting desire when you feel insecure. I hope to write more about the intersection between sexuality and self-love in the new year, since I think it’s an incredibly important topic and one that many people struggle with.

• Ever wonder how to make yourself more attractive? I wrote 10 quick tips. And none of them demand that you starve yourself, go to the gym more, slather on makeup, or put on a fake personality to appease potential suitors. Fuck that noise!

• In an attempt to bridge the gap between my twin interests in makeup and sex, I tested and wrote about the best lipsticks to wear while giving a blowjob. I’ve received several tweets and emails since then from people who’ve bought the products I recommended and are loving them. Yay!

• Having been a hardcore journal-writer since practically infancy, I felt qualified to tell you how to journal your way to a better sex life. Amazing what a little self-reflection can do.

Personal Posts

• In February I experimented with breath and energy orgasms, as per the advice in Barbara Carrellas’ excellent book Urban Tantra. I didn’t have a full-on orgasm from these techniques and still haven’t, but breathwork has nonetheless become an important part of my orgasmic practice. (Hang tight, I might write more about that soon!)

• In March, this blog turned two years old, and I wrote about 10 things I learned since starting my blog.

• I suffered a bout of constipation and somehow managed to cure it with a butt plug and some lube. (This was perhaps my most embarrassing, “TMI” post of the year. It felt, and still feels, scary to have that kind of thing up on the internet. But this whole blog is a constant exercise in shamelessness and fearlessness and I think that’s a good thing!)

• When my 3.5-years-long relationship ended in August, I wrote about the joys of the single life. In 2015 I’m looking forward to continuing my current uncoupled state and thinking very carefully before jumping into any new relationships. If it does happen, I want it to be really, really right. Otherwise, what’s the point?

• I went off hormonal birth control and my mental health immediately and massively improved. And I was mad about it.

• I didn’t have a very adventurous sex life this year, so maybe the most extreme thing I did was sell my panties to a stranger. It was fun and the money was decent, so I hope to do it more in 2015!

What were your biggest achievements this year? What do you hope to do next year?