All Reviews

Review: Womanizer

Kate Sloan

Do you like suction on your clit? Do you like leopard print and rhinestones? Do you like creepy gendered objectification?

Technically you only need to answer “yes” to the first question to make the Womanizer a decent purchase for you, but it helps if you can answer yes to all three.

My pals at Sex Toys Canada sent me the Womanizer, a new vibrator out of Germany that boasts an 100% orgasm guarantee and uses a suction mechanism.

I’m told that this toy would retail for about $190 here in Canada. I’m a firm believer that a sex toy can only justify being that expensive if it’s either really effective or incredibly unique or both. For example, I don’t mind that the Eroscillator costs $140 or that the Stronic Eins costs $200, because I think both toys are fantastic and truly different from every other toy on the market. The Womanizer is certainly unique, but I don’t know if I would pay $190 for it, and I doubt it’d work for everyone.

First off, the name. It’s horrible. Companies, please stop giving names like this to your toys. I realize that there’s a language barrier but I’m not sure how a name like this would be any more palatable in German. Not all folks with clits are women, and a sex toy is a tool, not a seducer.

Secondly – did I mention that the toy is LEOPARD-PRINT and RHINESTONED? I mean, the go-to-the-next-setting button is literally a huge rhinestone. This is legitimately one of the ugliest, most juvenile-looking toys I’ve ever seen. It looks like it was designed by an out-of-touch man for his distorted concept of the typical Cosmo-reading, lipstick-wearing woman. It definitely does not look or feel anywhere near classy enough to justify charging $190. I think if your sex toy costs over $100, it should look and feel like a sophisticated luxury item, not a gross as-seen-on-TV bedazzled 1990s relic.

The part of the toy that goes on your clit is a little concave dip, and the toy comes with two identical white squishy heads for this part, I guess so that you can switch them out if one has just been washed and needs to dry or whatever.

The toy comes with a storage case that is actually really nice (another thing I consider imperative for an expensive sex toy). It’s pink, holds its shape well like a sturdy camera bag, and has a couple of mesh compartments inside for the charger and extra suction head to go in. This case would make it super easy to travel with your Womanizer if you’re into that.

So, let’s talk about how this thing actually feels, because I’m sure you’re wondering.

The suction is fairly mild. This is not like one of those scary clit pumps. You have to hold your labia apart slightly so that the toy can get a fix on your clit. Once it does, it’ll keep on sucking on that exact spot until you move the toy, but removal is never painful or uncomfortable.

There’s a little bit of vibration involved, which amplifies the suction sensation and kind of feels like someone is tonguing my clit rhythmically while they suck on it. So, damn, yeah, that’s nice.

There are five vibration settings (I don’t think the suction gets much stronger on the higher settings, but it’s hard to tell). None of them are earthshattering. If you need a lot of powerful rumbling to get off, this toy absolutely will not do the trick.

The feeling of the Womanizer kind of reminds me of my beloved Eroscillator in the sense that the sensation can be a slow build. I can keep the toy on the first or second setting and inch my way toward an orgasm without needing to keep cranking up the power.

The suction pulls blood into my clit, which sounds gross but is actually exactly the process required to make an orgasm happen. The longer the Womanizer sucks on my clit, the more engorged and sensitive it gets, which is why I don’t need to keep turning up the power. In fact, every orgasm I’ve had from the Womanizer has been on the second setting out of five, which is pretty impressive.

That said, there are some things I don’t love about this toy. For one, it works best when it’s sucking on my clit directly – i.e. not through the clitoral hood – and that’s a sensation that can feel scarily intense or even painful for me. I often get overstimulated while using the Womanizer, and have to back off. (Thankfully, the power button also doubles as a “go back to the first setting” button, which comes in handy frequently.) I can position the suction head on my clit hood or another spot that’s more comfortable for me, but when I do that, the suction becomes so indirect and mild that it doesn’t seem to be doing its job properly and usually can’t get me off.

I also sometimes get impatient with the Womanizer. It’s an acquired taste. It doesn’t jackhammer your clit or rub all over it; the sensation is more delicate, more gradual, a slow-burn kind of thing. I have to focus, relax, and take my time if I’m going to reach orgasm with this toy. When I do, it’s spectacular – but I don’t always have that kind of time and patience. I frequently find myself giving up on the Womanizer and reaching for another vibe instead because I’m craving a little more friction and movement.

The Womanizer also isn’t waterproof. This repeatedly bummed me out. Clit suction in the bath sounds heavenly, but ah, ‘tis not to be.

On the plus side: the toy is ergonomic and comfortable to hold, I love that the suction head can be removed for easy cleaning, the controls are easy to use, the toy holds a charge for a long-ass time, and it’s only kinda loud for the first few seconds and becomes much quieter as soon as it’s got ahold of a clit.

So… I have very mixed feelings about the Womanizer. If suction and vibration together sound like your idea of bliss, and you can ignore the toy’s other shortcomings, then you might like it. But for $190 I think it ought to at least be waterproof, better-looking, and have stronger vibrations. And it should be called something that doesn’t make my skin crawl.

Thanks, Sex Toys Canada!

Review: Fleshjack Boys Brent Everett Dildo

Kate Sloan

Lately I’ve told a few friends that I’m reviewing a sex toy for gay men, and they look at it and say, “But it’s just a dildo! Why is it for gay men?” and I say, “I KNOW, RIGHT?”

This is one of the weird things about the sex toy industry (and about some other industries too, for that matter). This product is marketed toward gay men but there’s literally nothing stopping a cis woman, or anyone else, from using it, so long as they like penetrative toys. The Fleshjack Boys line happens to be based off gay male porn stars but, duh, you don’t have to like or even know said porn stars to enjoy the toys moulded from their genitalia.

I was sent the Fleshjack Boys Brent Everett dildo. I’d been wanting to try a Fleshjack dildo for ages – devastatingly realistic dildos crafted in body-safe silicone, hellooo, that is so up my alley – and I chose this one based on its measurements. With its 7" of insertable length and 1.75" diameter, it’s big but not unreasonably so. I thought I could handle it and I was right.

Let it be said: this dildo is stunning. The craftsmanship is on point. It really looks like a flesh-and-blood dick: the texture and shape of the toy are all rendered in wonderfully intricate detail. Sometimes I look over at it sitting on my bedside table and just swoon a little because it’s like having an actual penis in the room with me.

However, obviously not everyone is into that. When I showed the Brent Everett to my friends who like realistic toys, they cooed and lit up. When I showed it to my friends who are turned off by male bodies and representational toys, they scrunched up their noses and told me to put the dildo away. It definitely has a polarizing effect on people, as real penises tend to do.

Fleshjack silicone is delightful. It’s got a lot of squish and give to it, but feels blissfully substantial in my vag. It’s not quite as realistic-feeling as VixSkin and it’s firmer than regular Vixen silicone but it’s more pliable than O2.

The base of the dildo is not a suction cup, but it’s very flat and tends to stick to flat surfaces slightly if you press it down, so you could set it up on a bathroom floor (or something) if you like to lower yourself down onto dildos and fuck ‘em that way.

For me, the main attraction of this dildo is that its coronal ridge is quite exaggerated and makes my G-spot convulse with glee. There is some milder texture along the remainder of the shaft, but that ridge is really the star of the show. It can be achingly intense if I neglect to warm myself up adequately, though.

Speaking of warm-up… Man, this thing is huge. My vagina is admittedly a wimp when it comes to size so I was surprised I could even get this dildo to fit inside me. Fortunately the tip is tapered and the toy’s material plays well with water-based lube so I’ve never had too much difficulty with it. I sort of gently jiggle it side-to-side as I insert it, making sure to incorporate clit stimulation at the same time, and I always get it inserted without pain. Sometimes there is some minor discomfort at first – “WOW, this is big” – but it’s nothing a little deep breathing and conscious muscle-relaxing can’t solve.

The actual in-and-out motion of the dildo is, as you might expect, very intense – in a good way. That ridge activates my G-spot instantly and the texture all along the shaft feels divine as it goes in and out. There is a subtle upward curve to the shaft which allows it to access my G-spot and A-spot more readily. The balls at the base are sometimes a little hard to keep ahold of, because they’re oriented away from my body instead of toward it, but it’s worth reaching a little farther because the balls are fun to squish and make a sturdy handle.

This is not the sort of dildo that I ram in and out of myself at top speed – the sensation is much too intense for that – but if you are inclined that way, I think it would work well for that, provided you can handle the size and the texture. The squishy silicone is comfortable and discourages injury.

Overall? I’m a little bit in love with this dildo. It is everything I want a realistic dildo to be. I’ve never seen a Brent Everett sex scene, but feel free to let him know I’m obsessed with his cock.

The Best and Worst Sex Toys of 2014

Kate Sloan

Having strong feelings about sex toys is kind of in my job description. I’ve been doing it all year long.

Normally I would write a wrap-up covering only toys that I reviewed this year, like I did for 2013. But I actually didn’t review as many toys this year, and most of the ones I did review, I didn’t like.

So, in lieu of doing a standard best-and-worst-of-the-year list, I’m just going to tell you what I loved and hated most this year, regardless of when I reviewed it or when it came out. Some classics are classic for a reason, y’know?

The best of the best

Best new vibrator: Pickings were slim this year as far as good new vibrators go. My favorite one I personally tried was the Revel Body SOL, though it still has its issues (like making me feel alternately overstimulated and understimulated until, finally, I somehow have an orgasm).

Best old vibrator: My ol’ faithful, the Eroscillator, still sits on my nightstand at all times (except when I’m using it, of course) and is the toy I reach for when I want to get off quickly and easily. Honorable mentions go to the always-satisfying, hella-rumbly We-Vibe Salsa and Tango, though I still hate their finicky charger (surely someone wants to gift me the new version for Christmas?!).

Best new dildo: The Tantus Slow Drive came out on top. I was pleasantly surprised by its G-spotting abilities and I liked that it comes in two different length options. The short purple one holds a place of honor on my desk at the moment.

Best old dildo: The Fleshjack Boys line has been out for years but I only recently fell in love with the magnificent monster of a cock that is the Brent Everett dildo. My review is coming soon; hold tight!

Best anal toy: I had neutral-to-negative feelings about every single anal toy I tried this year. (Dramatic, disappointed sigh.) So this award goes to my Njoy Pure Plug because a) it’s still terrific and b) it cured my constipation in June (in conjunction with some lube with possible laxative qualities).

Best harness: I’m not sure I’ve ever felt sexier than I do while wearing my Aslan Jaguar. Here’s hoping I’ll actually have occasion to use it in 2015!

The worst of the worst

Most painful toy: Oh god. My innards cringe at the memory. This title is jointly awarded to the Lelo Ida, which I compared to having a sharp rock in your vagina, and the Pipedream Metal Worx Luv Plug, which just did not get along with my buttcheeks in the slightest.

Worst marketing: I raged over the nauseatingly gendered marketing of Pink and Gun Oil lubes, and the fact that the “male” version is literally the exact same product but is cheaper. I also went “WTF” along with the whole sex blogosphere when Lelo launched the Pino; here’s Epiphora taking it to task.

Worst sex toy innovation: I love you, Tantus, but the Plunge paddle-dildo hybrid confused me and just did not work.

What sex products did you hate and love this year?

Porn Review: XConfessions

Kate Sloan

When asked to explain what “feminist porn” is, one of the definitions I often come back to is: it’s a genre of porn that prioritizes women’s authentic sexual fantasies and desires.

It seems like that’s the definition favored by Barcelona-based feminist porn director Erika Lust, too, since that’s exactly what her XConfessions series sets out to do: bring real women’s sexual fantasies to life on screen. Users of the website submit their juiciest fantasies, and Erika picks her favorites and turns them into porno shorts.

I first discovered XConfessions this past February when I attended a porn pyjama party at my local sex shop Come As You Are (yes, CAYA is awesome and does awesome stuff). Two of the films they screened that night were Erika Lust’s I Ama Verry Badx Secvretary and Let’s Make a Porno. What immediately struck me about these films was that they are beautiful, visually: they use a lot of natural lighting, and they have a lot of genital and face close-ups that are fabulously dirty without being porno-gross.

Audio is important to me in the porn I watch, and XConfessions gets it right, in my view. There’s a good mix of music and natural sex sounds (moans, the slapping of one body against the other, etc.): neither overpowers the other. Overall these scenes have the production value of a really well-done indie movie. I think it was smart of Erika Lust to prioritize quality visuals and audio so highly; it seems to me, to generalize from purely anecdotal evidence, that women tend to care more about these things than men do, and so if you wanna make a women-friendly porn site, you have to make sure it looks and sounds nice.

While XConfessions could do a better job of featuring non-normative bodies (fat folks, trans folks, folks of color, etc.), they do feature an impressive amount of body hair, including pubic hair. There’s also a lot of sexy accents in these films: French, Spanish, British, and various others. These are small details but they add to the overall appeal of the scenes for me.

Some of the fantasies depicted are fairly “normal” and close to vanilla: romantic sex, lesbian sex, sex with a male escort. Some are a little kinkier: spanking, pegging, being bullied by a sadistic personal trainer. But the scenes I find most interesting are the ones that really push boundaries and explore territory that other feminist pornographers might shy away from.

There’s a scene about being taken advantage of while drunk, one in which a couple roleplay as a pair of animals in a predator-and-prey situation, and even a scene that takes place in a slightly creepy kids’ playroom (it reminded me of that weird scene in Wolf of Wall Street). These scenes are risky, sexy, unusual, and brave. They’re in line the same feminism I subscribe to, the one that says no sexual activity is “unfeminist” so long as it’s mutually and enthusiastically consented to.

Some of my favorite scenes include Cinéma X (sex in a porn theatre, including some fabulous cunnilingus on top of a piano), I Believe in Happy Endings (a sensual woman-on-woman massage followed by manual and oral stimulation), and A Weekend in the Garden of Eden (an idyllic outdoor fuckfest that begins with the handsome British star explaining the benefits of fruitarianism). Most of the scenes are between 10 and 20 minutes long, which I find is ideal.

A lot of these scenes build up slowly, taking a few minutes to create context and atmosphere before getting to the sex. This plays well with the old stereotype about women preferring “storyline” porn, but if you’re not into that, you could either skip the first 2-3 minutes of each scene or skip the site altogether. Personally, I don’t mind a little backstory in my porn.

Tech-wise, I sometimes have issues streaming the videos directly on the site, for reasons that might have to do with my setup or with theirs; I don’t know. Luckily, however, members can download videos in HD or SD, so I quite often do that instead of streaming them. I know that it can present piracy issues for porn providers to allow their videos to be downloaded, but I always appreciate when that option is offered, since it enables me to watch even when I’m having internet problems or experiencing any other barriers to accessing the streamed versions.

Membership is $19.95 per month if you sign up to be billed month-by-month, but as with many porn paysites, you can get a discount if you sign up for multiple months in advance. It’s $39.95 for 3 months or $99.95 for a year. I think those prices are very reasonable, considering what you get: full streaming or download access to the 38 films already on the site, plus the two new ones posted every month. Membership also allows you to submit your fantasies to the XConfessions database and to read and comment on others’ fantasies.

Overall, I really, really love this site. This is the kind of porn I am always looking for, and I know lots of other women (and men, and non-binary folks!) who would love this kind of thing too. It’s visually stunning, well-produced, sexy as hell, and it’s based on real people’s relatable and delicious fantasies. Yes, yes, yes!

Thanks so much to the good people at XConfessions for letting me review their beautiful porn!

Review: Pipedream Ceramix No. 1

Kate Sloan

I really wanted to like the Pipedream Ceramix No. 1, because it’s hard not to like a butt plug that looks like a toadstool from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. I am all about that Lewis Carroll aesthetic – but this plug just doesn’t work for my body.

The Ceramix line is a step forward for Pipedream: it’s a whole series of toys made of a somewhat innovative, body-safe material (ceramic, bien sûr!). I think the only ceramic toy I’d tried prior to this one is the Pleasure dildo by Duncan Charles Designs, and while I really liked it, the company’s website is down and the toy doesn’t seem to be available anywhere online anymore, to my knowledge. So it’s nice to see more ceramic options on the market.

Ceramic is a groovy material for sex toys. It has the firmness and temperature-play capabilities of glass or steel, but it’s relatively light compared to those two. It’s smooth to the touch and feels luxurious but is often pretty affordable. And of course, it’s non-porous and phthalate-free. Score!

When I looked at pictures of the No. 1 plug, I thought that the white spots would be raised bumps, which seemed potentially painful to me. But nope – they’re just dots that are painted onto the surface of the toy and imperceptible to the touch. That was a definite plus for me, but if you’re looking for mega texture, you’ll want to look elsewhere. (I recommend the Tantus Twist!)

The No. 1 is girthy, at 1.75" in diameter. It’s also short (3" insertable). This combination can be dangerous if you don’t warm yourself up properly, because the slope from the tip of the toy to its widest point is steep and sudden, or at least it certainly feels that way in use. I didn’t always practice responsible warm-up protocol when using this toy and insertion was sometimes painful as a result. Learn from my mistakes!

It’s a relief when you finally get the toy all the way in, because the discomfort of insertion goes away, but then the discomfort of actually wearing the toy kicks in. The base is round and digs into my asscheeks (y’all know how I love that – not!) and the business end of the plug seems to stretch my ass uncomfortably no matter how much lube I use or how slow I go. I know some folks are into that stretching sensation, or might even enjoy buttcheek pain, but… I really, really don’t like those feelings. There were many times during my testing process when I’d literally squirm and writhe around while using this plug because I just couldn’t get comfortable, and wanted to yank the plug out ASAP.

So, while I really like how the Ceramix No. 1 looks when it’s sitting on my desk, and while I appreciate that Pipedream is trying to do something unique with its Ceramix line, I just can’t get on board with this plug. It causes me all sorts of aches and pains and is too girthy for my tastes.

Thanks to Pipedream and PinkCherry for the toy!