All Reviews

Review: Lelo Luna Beads Noir

Kate Sloan

Someone please explain vaginal balls to me. I don’t understand.

I mean, I understand the theory behind them. They’re supposed to give you some weight, some resistance, with which to exercise your vagina. It’s supposed to be difficult to hold them inside you, forcing you to use your muscles and make your twat stronger. And some of them are also supposed to give you a fun bouncy sensation that’s sexually pleasurable, I guess as a motivator to exercise your vag more often.

But this is never how vaginal balls work for me. It’s never any effort to keep them inside. They never feel heavy or challenging. They just stay put. Am I an anomaly, with a freakishly tight and strong vagina? Or have vaginal balls, as a category of sex toys, just totally lost the plot of what they are supposed to do?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. Please feel free to answer and explain in the comments if you have any theories. For now, I’m going to talk about the latest I’ve tried in a string of perplexing vag balls: the Lelo Luna Beads Noir.

I was sent these balls last year, after having a chat with a lovely Lelo rep about the effect that the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon has had on the sex toy industry. Apparently (and I can’t vouch for this because I could only force myself through the first half of the first book), at some point in the trilogy, Christian Grey gives Ana Steele a set of vaginal balls to use, and it’s sexy, or whatever. So as a result, this type of product saw an uptick in sales, and Lelo decided to jump on the bandwagon and make a black/grey version of their Luna Beads Mini.

I will admit that the whole reason I ended up owning the Luna Beads Noir was that I told the Lelo rep how beautiful I thought they were. The smokey grey, the stark black… I dunno, man; I guess I’m a sucker for black sex toys.

Each ball weighs 37 grams and is 1 ¼" in diameter. So, yeah, these are small, but not so small that I can’t feel them. Lelo recommends this size for women who are under 30 years of age or who haven’t given birth. I don’t know how I feel about that type of recommendation, given how much variation there is among vaginas. Let’s just say, you should find out the diameter of your favorite dildo(s) and compare if you’re undecided about which size Luna Beads to get. (The regular size is 1.4" in diameter, which really isn’t that much bigger.)

Unlike the Luna Beads proper, the Noir version only comes with one set of balls, so you can’t swap them out if you want something heavier.

As I mentioned above, my vagina must be a Chinese finger trap because there is no moment during the usage of these balls when I ever feel like they might fall out. I suppose it might be a challenge to keep them in if I were to slather them in handfuls of lube before use, but like, who wants to do that? (Speaking of lube: you should use the water-based kind with these balls, due to their materials.)

The balls themselves are smooth plastic, and the removable girdle that houses them is slightly grippy silicone. This combination of textures feels sexy in the hand but I can’t really perceive it once they’re in my vagina.

The signature bouncy sensation provided by vaginal balls is just dandy with this set. Minimal movement sets them off, which is a plus as far as I’m concerned. I am always very aware of their presence, and they make me want to move my hips around and run up and down staircases.

The looped retrieval cord on these is one of the best things about them: it’s very sturdy and has no stretch whatsoever. Many a good pair of balls have been ruined by an insubstantial or overly stretchy string. When I want to remove my Luna Beads Noir, I just pull the cord – no finagling or fretting required. These will never get stuck in my vagina.

So, as far as vaginal balls are concerned, the Lelo Luna Beads Noir are some of the best I’ve tried. If you want a pair, and like the dark aesthetic of these ones, you should get them – especially since they’re just $23.20 with the code “LELO” on PinkCherry. For a high-quality, body-safe, comfortable and functional pair of vag balls, you won’t find a much better price than that.

But I still don’t really “get” vaginal balls. Maybe it’s my body. Maybe it’s the way they’re made. I don’t know. They confuse me. Oh well…

Thank you, Lelo!

Feminist Porn Week Rocked

Kate Sloan

It is kind of astonishing to me that I live in the city where Feminist Porn Week happens to take place every year.

It is truly so amazing and fantastic that it feels like a gift, a glorious coincidence, a joyful miracle. I do not take it for granted.

This year I live-tweeted the whole Feminist Porn Conference, and it made me even more hyper-aware of what was going on around me – in a good way. Reading other people’s moment-by-moment tweets, and composing my own, allowed me to process and enjoy the talks and panels even more.

I won’t write an exhaustive summary like I did last year, because frankly the #FPCon2 hashtag is full of fantastic accounts of what went on. But I will write a little about the most memorable moments and experiences that happened to me during Feminist Porn Week.

The fisting workshop. I will be honest: I bought my ticket not so much because I wanted to learn about fisting (which is still, I think, well out of my vagina’s conceivable grasp), but primarily because I wanted to see Courtney Trouble… in person… fisting someone. I mean, how amazing is that?!

The “fist-ee” was Zahra Stardust, the adorable pink-haired Australian porn princess who ended up winning Heartthrob of the Year at the FPAs two nights later. I developed an intense crush on her from the way she talked intelligently about porn laws down under and then took Courtney’s fist with seemingly no effort. She squirted on the people in the front row. Courtney fucked her powerfully and intensely and it felt so intimate that I shouldn’t be looking, and yet I couldn’t not look. It was beautiful and educational.

Dylan and Danny’s talk. Um, I may have mentioned how much I love Dylan Ryan and Danny Wylde before. They are my favorite porn stars, ever. But I love them even more now, because of the wonderful talk they gave at the conference. They spoke openly and candidly about “getting in and getting out” of the porn industry and how those transitions have affected their identities. They are both amazingly smart and thoughtful. The room was positively packed, for good reason: it was one of the best talks of the conference.

Tobi’s talk. Tobi Hill-Meyer is a trans woman who makes feminist porn, so of course, she’s no stranger to receiving criticism. Her talk was about how to deal with criticism effectively. Of all the sessions I attended, this one had the most pertinence to my real life, and I think many people there felt similarly. When you work in a controversial area like sexuality or feminism, no matter how peripherally or centrally, it is useful – nay, vital – to know how to respond gracefully to critics. I will be sure to start implementing some of the strategies I learned in Tobi’s presentation.

Aussie porn. Australia has some fucked-up porn laws. A lot of it is illegal, and they are very strict about things like fetishes, BDSM, squirting (which they classify as urination and therefore a type of fetish), and fisting. The Aussie porn session, run by the very articulate Ms. Naughty and Zahra Stardust, screened several films, many of which were political and commented directly on the injustice of the porn laws there. I also discovered that Ms. Naughty’s company, Bright Desire, makes the exact kind of porn I’ve been longing for all my life: female-gaze-oriented, female-pleasure-focused, sensual, sexy, soft, yet also hardcore. Hey, my birthday’s in about a week; I’d gladly accept a Bright Desire subscription if you’re not sure what to get me! Wink wink.

Courtney Trouble’s keynote. Oh my fucking god. Everyone was speechless. Not literally – we were all tweeting up a storm and cheering our hearts out – but figuratively, we had the wind knocked out of us by what Courtney had to say. I will embed the video below, because you MUST watch it; there’s little I could say about it that could embody just how powerful it really was. Courtney, if you read this, thank you, thank you, thank you, for saying so many things that badly needed to be said. Every single person I’ve spoken to has said that this speech was one of the main highlights, if not the highlight, of the conference.

Were you at any of the Feminist Porn Week events? What were the highlights for you?

Heads up: there’s a sponsored link in this post!

Review: Tantus Flirt

Kate Sloan

Lately I haven’t been in the mood for anal stimulation, like, ever. My butt’s been highly resistant to poking and prodding. Which is why it’s taken me so damn long to get this review written.

Tantus sent me the Flirt months ago. I had actually requested a smaller plug, the Little Flirt, but I was nonetheless happy to see the regular-sized Flirt when it arrived in my mailbox – because it looks sexy as hell. Glossy, black, curvy, flexible. Mmm.

If you ask me (and you’re reading my blog, so I assume you’re asking me), Tantus is one of the few companies that really gets anal toys right. They don’t cause my butt pain or discomfort. They just feel good.

The Flirt is no exception. Its gently swelling curves slip inside me with minimal warm-up, even though the toy is 1.4 inches across its widest point. The curve from the head to the middle of the shaft is just delicious, and feels gooooood going in and out of my ass. Combined with clit stimulation, it’s a knockout. As with many other Tantus butt toys, the sentence that comes to mind is, “This is what anal play should always feel like.”

My only issue with the Flirt is the base. I think it’s due for a redesign. It’s roughly the same width as the widest part of the plug, so it doesn’t feel completely secure; I get the sense that I have to hold onto it or it might drift inside me (though I don’t know if this is actually possible or if it’s just a feeling I have). It’s also circular and wide, so the Flirt isn’t really “wearable” as a plug; it’s more of an active toy, to be used during fucking, than it is one to be worn inside your underwear for hours at a time. (I have other plugs for that.)

If Tantus gave the Flirt a wide, crescent moon-shaped base like their Juice plug has, it would be useable as an all-purpose butt plug. For now, I’ll only be using it for in-and-out-fucking. But it does that very, very well.

Merci, Tantus!

Review: Lelo Ida

Kate Sloan

I never knew a toy could make me scream in pain until I tried the Lelo Ida.

I didn’t see it coming, and neither did my boyfriend. So we were both pretty horrified, since pain wasn’t supposed to be on the agenda that night (and vaginal pain isn’t the kind I find hot, anyway).

The Ida is an overhaul of Lelo’s previous couples’ vibes, the Tiani and Noa, meant to be worn inside the vagina alongside the penis during PIV sex. Incase you didn’t know, Lelo got into a legal tussle with We-Vibe when the latter accused the former of stealing their unique toy design, and We-Vibe won, so Lelo had to scrap everything and start from scratch.

I assumed the Ida would be like a poor man’s We-Vibe, and it is, but it’s worse than that: it’s an assault on the genitals. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into my round hole.

I think my major problem with it is that the internal portion is SO BIG. No, it’s not big by dildo standards, but when you try to shove a penis in underneath it, it digs into the vaginal wall and feels appallingly out of place. It reminds me of those occasional awkward moments when my boyfriend’s penis jams my NuvaRing into an odd position and it hurts, except the Ida is so much worse than that, because it’s firm and it’s rotating.

Yep, the internal portion rotates. I thought this would be my favorite feature, because historically I enjoy internal rotation, but actually I can barely feel it. When my boyfriend’s penis is inside me, I can’t tell if the added girth is stopping the rotation entirely or if I just can’t feel the silicone arm’s slow stroking over the wave of pain I’m experiencing. Either way, it doesn’t do a damn thing for me.

The external part of the toy doesn’t cause me pain like the internal part, but it’s still a pretty massive failure. Traditional couples’ vibes have a slim external part, made to tuck neatly between the labia so it can access the clitoris easily and directly. The Ida, instead, has a large round disc, almost as big as my palm. Ain’t no way a disc is fitting in between my labia, so it just sits on the outside of my vulva, the vibrations ever-so-slightly reaching my clit but certainly not enough to induce an orgasm. I would imagine this problem would be even worse for people with thick outer labia.

I had an orgasm from the Ida once – once – and here is what I had to do to make it happen: I had to use it by itself (no penis, no dildo), I had to turn it up to the highest setting so my clit could perceive the vibrations, and when I got close to orgasm, I had to physically press the disc against my clit to give it enough sensation. When the ordeal was over, I felt so drained and disappointed that the orgasm hardly felt worth it. And that was the best session I’ve had with my Ida.

With my partner, no amount of lube and warm-up and patience can make the Ida pleasurable or even comfortable. It just feels like I’m getting stabbed in the vaginal wall. I scream into the pillow and push my boyfriend away. He gets upset and distressed that he has hurt me. And then we give up on the Ida and have sex normally, which still kind of hurts after the Ida’s onslaught on my vagina. This happens every time we use it. I have had enough.

Did I mention that you have to pay $200 for the luxury of getting poked in the vaginal wall with a piece of rotating silicone?

There are other details I could mention in this review – the Ida has a remote, it’s waterproof, it has two high-tech motion-sensitive settings, it’s made of smooth body-safe materials – but really, none of that matters, because I cannot recommend this toy to anyone. I refuse to.

If you want a comfortable couples’ vibe to wear during PIV sex, try the Noa – it’s the only one I’ve ever liked, and it’s half the price of the Ida. If you want to have more control of your experience, try holding a long-handled or small vibe against your clit during PIV: I recommend the Eroscillator, Mia 2, or Tango.

But please, don’t get the Ida. Or if you really want the Ida experience, try putting a sharp rock in your vag next time your partner’s about to penetrate you.

This toy was sent to me for review by Lelo. Dear Lelo: I still love you, even though I hate the Ida.

Porn Review: SPIT

Kate Sloan

Some friends of mine have started a feminist porn collective, and it is blowing my mind and titillating my genitals.

Spit calls itself “alternative porn for the aroused mind.” It’s photographic porn featuring performers who have never or rarely made porn before, so it feels authentically sexual – because it is.

Most of the photosets on the Spit website thus far were shot at play parties (i.e. sex parties) held with the explicit intent of generating porn imagery. Participants can have sex privately anywhere in the space, and if they want to get involved in the porn, they can sign up in advance, get partnered up with another performer based on mutual attraction, and fuck in a porn-specific room in front of photographers.

I have friends who have modeled for Spit, and I can confirm from their stories that they’ve been treated ethically and have had a great time doing their shoots. Ongoing consent is valued and is clearly communicated through the photos. That’s important to me in the porn I consume. My conscience needs to be at ease before my pussy can get in on the arousal party. If you’re that way too, you’ll dig Spit.

Straight sex, queer sex, hard-to-define sex. Some sex without kink, some kink without sex, and a whole lot of kinky sex. Cocks, twats, hands, toys. You’ll see all of this on the Spit website.

The photographer of each set is identified along with the performers, so if you find yourself digging a particular photog’s style, you can look at other sets they’ve shot. I find it especially fun to see different photographers’ takes on the same erotic event: while one artist might focus more on genitals, another might pay more attention to facial expressions. It’s so cool to see.

I’ve never been a huge fan of still-photo porn – it calls to mind stuff like SuicideGirls, which is beautiful to look at but (at least for me) not nearly as arousing as video – but some of Spit’s sets capture passion and movement wonderfully.

The folks behind Spit also mentioned to me that they will be moving into the realm of video in the future. I can’t wait.

I’m in an interesting position in that I know a lot of the people who are in these shoots. I’ve talked with them, I’ve sipped wine with them, I’ve cuddled with them – so it’s surreal and magical and cool to see them fucking each other in porn.

But I think, even if you’ve never met any of these people, there is a neat sense of “Huh, these people look like average, regular people.” They’re sexy as hell, in a “I could actually fuck a person like this” sort of way. I love that.

The website’s interface isn’t the best. Each photoset is laid out all on one page, so it’s not terribly friendly for people with slow internet connections. I’d prefer a system that allows for flipping through sets using arrow keys, or viewing a set of thumbnails and choosing just the pictures I want to see. Spit is still in its infancy, and I’m looking forward to seeing its functionality improve as it gets bigger.

Membership is $9.99 a month, which gets you unlimited access to the photos. (Spit also hosts some erotic stories, but the photos are really the main event. You can find sexy stories all over the internet, but these photoshoots are one-of-a-kind.)

If we’re betting on what’ll be the Next Big Thing in the feminist porn genre, my money’s on Spit.

Thank you, lovely Spit folks, for letting me look at your porn!