Porn Reviews

Pocket-Sized Porn Reviews: Matriarchy, Twins, and Dylan Ryan

Kate Sloan

I made a decision a while ago that I wasn’t going to review porn on my blog anymore, because I just don’t feel I’m very good at it. I also think I have pretty specific tastes in pornography, and it’s hard to review something that every single person is going to react differently to.

However, now that I no longer have the stress of feeling obligated to review porn by the companies who used to send it to me for free, I feel like it’s okay for me to talk about porn here from time to time, maybe just a little. You don’t mind, right?

Here are some porn flicks I’ve seen recently that I thought you might want to know about…

Women On Top has a really silly but interesting premise: it’s a story set in a female-dominated world, where women are expected to be promiscuous and brash, and where men are expected to do the housework and please their women.

I thought it would be empowering from a feminist perspective, but it actually just showed the mirror image of a lot of gross stereotypes about both men and women (e.g. that women shame men for their sexual desires, that women only have sex to please their men, etc).

There was also far less cunnilingus and far more blowjobs than I would expect in an actual matriarchal world, though I guess I should’ve seen that coming – it is mainstream porn, after all.

Joined at the Hip is a goofy, badly-acted porn about two ditzy blonde twins trying to get to Vegas.

I was totally prepared to hate this one, but just couldn’t as soon as I realized that James Deen was in it.

He’s only in one scene, but it’s great. He plays a chef and (of course) makes a terrible joke about a “bun on a stick” which is actually his cock wrapped in a hot dog bun. (Ugh. So bad it’s good.)

Additionally, he starts off the scene dressed in full chef’s garb, and the chef’s hat stays on for the whole scene. It falls off at one point, but he puts it back on. Because that’s the kind of sense of humor James Deen has. Dear god, I love him.

This porno surprisingly proved to be a goldmine for threesome inspiration. Since the twins in the movie are actual, real-life sisters, they don’t have sex with each other, but have all sorts of sex with various third parties – so there’s some inventive fucking, sucking, flicking, etc.

Fifty Shades of Dylan Ryan is a kind of meta response to the poorly-written BDSM novel we’re all too familiar with. It’s basically Christian and Ana all over again, but with lesbian sex. Really, really hot lesbian sex.

Dylan Ryan is a stunner as always – she’s like the slightly androgynous girl-next-door – but I was most blown away by Sadie Lune, who plays “Ms. Grey,” the wealthy, dominant lady tycoon. I’d never seen her in anything before and she’s absolutely captivating. Girl knows how to dom the shit out of people.

I actually haven’t watched the whole thing yet (what can I say – I came hard sometime during the third sex scene and fell asleep), but I feel confident in saying that anyone who likes lesbian porn, especially of the feminist variety, and can handle BDSM, will dig this movie. And damn, I really need to see more stuff Madison Young has directed.

What sights and sounds are getting your rocks off lately?

Make Love, Not Porn

Kate Sloan

I received a beta invitation to MakeLoveNotPorn.TV under false pretences. I’m sorry, Cindy! I promised I would submit a video of myself jerking off with various toys if I got fast-tracked up the invitation list, but as it turns out, the website isn’t equipped yet to receive submissions from countries outside of the U.S. (and I live in Canada). Such a bummer! Oh well. Someday…

For those of you who don’t know, MakeLoveNotPorn.TV is an awesome not-yet-totally-launched website created by advertising guru and sex education enthusiast Cindy Gallop. It’s the logical next step after she launched MakeLoveNotPorn.com a few years back.

Just to be clear: the websites and their creators are not anti-porn. They are “pro-sex, pro-porn and pro-knowing the difference.” Their message is simple and yet huge: people shouldn’t learn how to have sex from watching hardcore pornography. Maybe that sounds obvious to you, but you’d be surprised how many people have no other way of learning about sex, since we live in a culture where sex ed is condemned and porn is fucking everywhere.

MakeLoveNotPorn.TV is sort of like Facebook meets YouTube, except it’s sex-focused. Cindy Gallop says she wants to make sex as socially acceptable and socially shareable as all those other relationship milestones we write about on our social media outlets. You know your friend who just posted all her wedding photos on Facebook? Well, what if she could share her sex life in the same way she shares her romantic life?

Contributors are encouraged to film themselves having “real-world sex”: organic, authentic, potentially even goofy. Unlike porn, the stars of the clips don’t “perform for the camera,” but instead, they focus on their partner(s) and the sex they’re having, just like they would if there was no camera in sight.

Each contribution must be accompanied by a $5 curation fee. This helps to cover the costs of running the site. If your video is accepted, it’s then published in the new edition that comes out every Wednesday, and people can “rent” it for $5. When they rent it, they can watch it as many times as they want for the next three weeks. Of the $5 they paid to rent your video, $2.50 goes to you, the contributor, and the other $2.50 goes to the website.

You might think that doesn’t sound very lucrative, and you’re right, it isn’t. But it’s fair, it’s better than nothing, and it’s part of a super fun and exciting social network. You can make friends, consensually spy on real people’s sex lives, chat about sex, and be as anonymous or upfront as you want.

And, as it turns out, you can also watch Danny Wylde have real-world sex.

I’ll be honest: this is mainly what enticed me about MLNP. The promotional materials declared that porn star Danny Wylde (who happens to be my favorite male porn performer, because he’s hot, eats pussy like a champ, and has an intact dick) had submitted a video of himself and his real-life girlfriend Lily LaBeau (also a porn star) gettin’ it on. Not in a performative, porn-set situation, but as if they were just doing it for themselves.

It is a tasty clip. Lily reveals in the behind-the-scenes footage that her vag often gets sore from how many porn scenes she shoots, so her real-world sex with Danny in this video is all about her ass. I’m not usually the hugest fan of anal sex in porn, but this clip sold me on it. Plus, Danny rims Lily. Uh, more dudes need to rim ladies in porn, because it’s hot.

My rental of the Danny/Lily clip is going to run out soon-ish, and after that, I’ll look for something else. Maybe some amateur pussy-eating. Whatever I end up choosing, I’m very damn appreciative that something like MakeLoveNotPorn.TV exists, because erotic performers need more fair compensation and everyday sex needs more recognition. Can I get an amen?!

Porn Review: Crash Pad Series #131

Kate Sloan

I feel kind of embarrassed to admit that I’m not the biggest fan of April Flores. I don’t know what it is; she’s utterly gorgeous, very sexy, and shows up all the time in the kind of porn I love, but I just can’t get into her.

Still, though, I was interested to see her shoot for Crash Pad Series. Crash Pad’s “solo” videos are always amusing and often arousing, because a story has to be invented for why this person ended up masturbating alone in the Crash Pad (see: Dylan Ryan getting “trapped” in a voyeur situation and then needing to jerk off immediately afterward). In April’s case, there isn’t much in the way of story: she knows all about the Keymaster, the fictional voyeuristic character who leers curiously at every Crash Pad performer via a camera-and-computer setup, and so April decides to put on a show.

This concept is not hot to me. I like my voyeurism to be secretive and subtle; I never want to feel like the porn performers are aware of my presence, or the camera’s presence. April talks to the Keymaster/camera for much of the scene, saying things like “I wish you were here right now,” which doesn’t do anything for me. But I think a lot of people would really like this extra dimension that the scene has, judging by the success of “cam girls” and point-of-view videos.

This scene is a toy lover’s dream. April announces early in the scene that she’s brought some of her favorite toys, and then pulls out her Pure Wand and Hitachi. If you’re slightly “toysexual” like me, you’ll appreciate this. I love the moment where April says, “Should I put [the Hitachi] on high speed?” and then looks down, giggles, and says, “Oh, that was high speed!”

April has huge, marvelous tits which she can suck on. She also has some of the most beautiful hair in the business. There’s no shortage of gorgeousness in this scene.

I appreciate that she seems to genuinely love masturbating. I’ve seen porn stars less excited about partner sex than April is about getting herself off. She’s nothing if not enthusiastic. And she has some hella sexy moans.

About halfway through the scene, something hilarious and unexpected happens: April pulls out a replica of her own vulva and proceeds to finger it, lick it, and fuck it with the Pure Wand. I can’t say I can find this sexy, nor can I really understand what made April want to do it, but it’s pretty funny.

While this scene didn’t turn me on, I think there is a niche audience out there who would really enjoy it. If you like POV porn, enjoy the idea of someone putting on a sexy show for you, and/or want to see April Flores lick her own pussy, then yeah, you might dig it!

Porn Review: Crash Pad Series #83

Kate Sloan

I have a crush on Tina Horn and Roger Wood as a couple. Their scene in Live Sex Show stirred up some heat in my panties, but it wasn’t til I saw them in Jiz Lee’s birthday party orgy that I realized how much fondness I have for watching these two people have sex. There’s a shot in the orgy where Tina and Roger’s faces aren’t even visible, just their bodies, clothes, and the strap-on they’re using – and I recognized them from that alone. I saw the purple dildo, rough fucking, and juicy spankable ass, and I thought, “That’s gotta be Roger and Tina.” And of course, it was.

Their one-on-one scene for Crash Pad is even better. It’s pretty much what I’ve come to expect from these two: a relaxed but serious D/s dynamic and the authentic intimacy of two real-life lovers.

Things I don’t really like about this scene: Roger spitting on Tina’s pussy (spitting never does anything for me in porn) and the squeaking noises the bed makes (they actually broke the Crash Pad bed while filming this, though that part’s been edited out of the clip and put into the “behind the scenes” featurette instead).

Things I do really like about this scene: Tina’s perfect ass getting spanked until it reddens. Tina calling Roger “Daddy” and “baby.” The way Roger fucks the shit out of Tina and the noises she makes in response. The moment when Roger instructs Tina to remove her skirt and panties and get on the bed, and Tina says, “What about my socks?” and Roger tells her to leave them on, which makes her laugh. The way Roger stays mostly clothed while Tina is mostly naked. The genderfuckery. Roger’s hand wrapped around Tina’s throat. The way he still manages to be the Dom even while Tina’s on top, by saying “Come on, fuck me, come on.” And then when he says “You gonna come for Daddy?” and she does. The totally loving and worshipful cunnilingus that follows after the lengthy ravaging.

One of the really endearing things about Tina Horn is that she clearly loves being fucked, but also needs clitoral stimulation to get off (or so it would seem, anyway). She’s like most of us. And she doesn’t deny or downplay that need, unlike a lot of porn stars who will pretend they’re having wild orgasms from penetration alone. She rubs her clit during sex and neither partner has any issue with that. Brava!

And the most endearing thing about Roger, to me, is that he fucks like a wildman. Seriously, this is some of the fastest, hardest, roughest fucking I’ve ever seen, and yet it still manages to seem somewhat controlled and G-spot-focused. Every time I see Roger fuck, I think, “Damn, my pussy wants some of that.” And really, isn’t that what watching porn is all about?

This is just a very fucking sexy scene that makes me happy to have a Crash Pad membership. If all porn was like this, I think a lot more women would understand what the hype was about.

Porn Review: Crash Pad Series #100

Kate Sloan

Crash Pad Series is a staple of the feminist porn scene. If you ask a hip-and-happenin’ queer gal about what kind of porn she likes to watch, she’ll probably mention the Crash Pad. The website currently has well over a hundred extremely hot queer sex scenes available for members to watch, and more clips get filmed on a regular basis.

Still, though, despite all the hotties and heartthrobs to be found all over Crash Pad, the main reason I wanted a membership was so I could see Jiz Lee and Nina Hartley’s scene. I’d just finished reviewing their first fuck and I wanted more.

Crash Pad chose to feature Jiz and Nina’s scene as their special 100th episode, and with good reason: these are two titans of porn. Nina’s background is more mainstream, whereas most of Jiz’s work has been feminist and queer (i.e. not mainstream), so this is an interesting and unexpected pairing in many ways.

The scene starts with Nina admonishing Jiz for being late and wearing a hat indoors. This immediately sets up the dom/sub dynamic that will continue through the rest of the scene. Jiz will call Nina “Sir” for the entire duration of their fuck, a nice touch of strange but sexy queerness that’s lovably typical for feminist queer porn. Both performers seem very comfortable in their roles, and it makes for some very convincing domination and submission.

Whereas their encounter in Live Sex Show was frank and matter-of-fact, Jiz and Nina’s Crash Pad scene feels much more sensual and sexually charged. There’s some sweet, slow kissing, and the scene is rife with impact play – Nina squeezes, slaps, punches, spanks, and bites Jiz at different times. Not once does Jiz seem to react in pain to this treatment; instead, they make pleasure sounds every time they’re hit.

I’d never seen Nina Hartley wear a strap-on before this scene, and she’s wearing a great one – it’s the meaty Maverick. She keeps her jeans and boots on the entire time, and combined with her huge dick, this adds immensely to her aura of authority.

Nina is a fantastic pussy-eater, and Jiz’s reactions definitely reflect that. Someone must have briefed Nina on Jiz’s genderqueer identity since their last meeting, when Nina kept using female pronouns instead of Jiz’s preferred “they/them,” because this time she uses terms like “front-hole” and calls Jiz “boy” a couple of times. It’s nice to see queer identities not only being respected, but being made into something sexy and natural.

There’s fisting in this scene, of course. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a Jiz Lee scene that didn’t involve them being fisted. And as usual, it’s intoxicatingly dirty. Nina must have wicked strong arm muscles.

One of the sweetest and hottest parts of this scene is when Jiz is using the Hitachi on themself while being fisted by Nina. Jiz asks permission to come, and when Nina grants it, Jiz has a thunderous orgasm and says “Thank you, sir” while they are coming. In the behind-the-scenes portion of this clip, Jiz admits that they worried about their ability to act and improvise as the sub character, but you’d never know it from watching them: they totally sell their sub-ness.

After some fucking with Maverick, this scene has maybe the best ending of any I’ve ever seen: during some additional fisting, Jiz says, “Sir, will you punch my hole?” and Nina literally punches Jiz’s junk with her fist. This causes Jiz to immediately squirt all over everything. It’s honestly one of the most epic things I’ve ever seen in porn – and best of all, it’s real, unlike a lot of the squirting in mainstream porn.

The only bad thing I can say about this scene is that the audio quality isn’t as good as it could be – there are occasional weird bumping and banging noises in the background, and sometimes I can’t understand what the performers are saying.

Aside from that, though, it is fucking sexy and I’ll definitely be watching it many more times. If you don’t have a Crash Pad membership already, this scene should be great motivation for you to get on it!