Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Piph Lube

Kate Sloan

(Edited to add: this was an April Fool’s Day joke, y’all! Don’t you wish this lube existed, though?!)

If you want a sex product designed right, get a sex toy reviewer to do it. That’s what I’ve always believed, and SheVibe has finally done it, enlisting queen of the sex toy reviewers Epiphora to develop her own lube. It is a thing to behold. I present to you: Piph Lube.

Now, you might be wondering: if I want a reviewer-endorsed water-based lube, why not just grab a bottle of Sliquid Sassy? Well, there’s more to it than that. This lube contains some additives which make it – to quote its tagline – “radically stimulating.” (Sounds like a fingerbanging class taught by a sandy-haired surfer bro, I know, but read on.)

The additives? Cannabis, caffeine, pinot grigio, catnip, and a mysterious force identified only as “queer magic.” These are a few of my favorite things…

Now let’s be clear before we proceed: this isn’t a lube for a quick, get-‘er-done kind of wank, just as a “special” brownie isn’t the ideal snack for when you’re running out the door to go write your SATs. (Well, depends on what kind of brain you have, I guess.) You’ve gotta settle in with this one. Clear your schedule. Light some incense. Take the phone off the hook, you archaic landline-possessing cutie, you.

I was involved in the early testing process of this lube, and skewing the formula created some amusing results. Too much cannabis and my vagina just wanted to squeeze on the dildo inside it, too slowly and too reverently, because it just felt so cooool. Too much caffeine and I’d clutch my Magic Wand in frantic T-rex hands, pressing it against my lube-smeared vulva in a mad dash toward orgasm. Too much pinot grigio and I’d fall asleep midway through my testing session with a dildo lazily sliding out of me and a boozy blush overtaking my cheeks. Too much “queer magic” and I’d get distracted from masturbation by the imminent need to scissor to a Tegan and Sara album. And let’s not even talk about what happened when there was too much catnip…

But the formula is finally exactly right, I’m thrilled to report. When I smear it all over a dildo or a butt plug for a luxurious wank sesh, I know I’m about to have an experience. The first time I tried this final formulation, I had three theatrical orgasms in a candle-rimmed bathtub while intermittently wailing along to Ani DiFranco and giggling like a six-year-old at a birthday party. The next time I tried it, I channelled my inner Rosie the Riveter and got most of my own fist inside me while chanting, “We can do it! We can do it!” The time after that, I squirted so hard I thought I was gonna pass out, and when I looked at the puddle on my bedsheets, I swear to god it was shaped like a unicorn. Hey, don’t ask me, I can’t explain the hows and whys of queer magic.

When I brought Piph Lube to a Tinder hookup’s house and explained what was on offer, he eagerly agreed to give it a shot. Five hours later, we finally collapsed in a heap of glitter and sweat – me scratched up and sated, him wide-eyed and whispering piously about how a communist, matriarchal society would reshape our sexual culture. I gently shushed him, closed his laptop to silence the Crash Pad scene we’d been looping in the background of our romp, and fell into a luxuriant sleep. He told me to tell you this lube “like, absolutely, unironically changes lives, okay?”

The additives are blended together in a base of filtered Portland rainwater, incase you want to “keep your orifices weird,” I guess. I keep wondering what Candace and Toni would think of this lube. They could probably use it to grease the wheels of their rolling book carts, in any case.

Although ingesting too much of any one additive in this lube could fuck you up pretty bad, the lube itself is totally body-safe. And it’s a good thing, too, because I want to use it a lot. Like, all the time. It’s hard not to love a product that makes your vagina feel like it’s flying through the cosmos holding hands with Cher and Prince.

I recommend pairing Piph Lube with a hyper-textured or visually stimulating toy to take full advantage of its sensual effects. Smear some on a heart-shaped butt plug if you just wanna feel more in tune with the love energy of the universe, y’know? Drip some on your BS Is Nice Rainbow dildo if you’re like, “Hey, I’m pretty gay, but I want to feel even gayer today.” Squirt some in your Tenga 3D Spiral if you want your dick to feel like it’s trapped in an Escher painting.

Many thanks to Piph and SheVibe for developing this lube. Now, if you’ll pardon me, I’ll be in my bathtub, crying happy tears, coming too many times, and fucking myself into a sparkly stupor.

Review: We-Vibe Sync

Kate Sloan

There comes a moment in any sex toy nerd’s life when they discover a non-standard use for a toy, and feel like a goddamn genius. Epiphora conjured hands-free orgasms with the Dusk; Bex first told me about putting an inside-out Tenga Egg over the head of a Hitachi for some added texture; and as for me, I’ve used the We-Vibe Sync for kink. (Hey, it even rhymes!)

How, you ask? Let me explain by first taking you back to a night sometime in late 2015. I’m pinned beneath my domly then-fuckbuddy in his big soft bed. He’s fucking me, and it feels fantastic, but without some clit stimulation, it’s not gonna get me anywhere. I snake my hand down between us to rub my clit, but he barks, “Did I say you could use your hand, little one?”

It’s true, he didn’t. And it’s frustrating for both of us that I have to use my hand: kinks-wise, I’d rather have my arms pinned over my head, and he’d prefer us in that pose, too. But without clit stim, orgasm is a sad impossibility for me. We eventually settle on a compromise: we squish my We-Vibe Tango between us, so it stays put beside my clit as he holds me down and fucks me. It works well enough – okay, it works great, and I come all over his cock, panting and mewling – but it’s a flawed system. Neither of us can easily or quickly adjust the vibration strength, and our pelvises have to remain perfectly flush to keep the vibe where it needs to stay.

Enter the We-Vibe Sync. It’s been over two years and I’m not seeing that fuckbuddy anymore, but other domly princes have come along, and the Sync has been there for us. It’s my hands-free solution to the problem of the princess who needs clit stim to come, but wants to feel hopelessly trapped beneath her darling.

The Sync boasts another feature ideal for kink: the app through which it can be controlled via Bluetooth. Whether you and your beau are oceans apart or they’re sitting beside you on the sofa, they can control your We-Vibe using their phone. The app allows you to manipulate several pre-programmed modes, raising or lowering the strength of the two individual motors with a swipe of a finger – or you can create your own modes, set the vibe to respond to the bassy thrum of music or sound, or use the “touch” mode to tap and swipe your partner into ecstasy.

The novelty factor of this app cannot be oversold. You can deny your partner clitoral stimulation while thrumming on their G-spot to tease them into a frenzy. You can rub your phone screen like you’d rub their actual clit, and coolly watch them squirm from across the room. You can send them a message in Morse code via vibration on their bits. The possibilities are infinite, and could be very, very evil, in the best possible way.

You could also – I suppose – use the Sync in the way We-Vibes are traditionally meant to be used: to provide extra stimulation during presumably-vanilla peen-in-vag sex. Its internal arm is more flared and textured than that on the Unite, so it stays in place better. And the Sync has two hinges between its internal and external arms, allowing you to adjust it to fit your body, unlike any other couples’ vibe in history. Amaze!

I find those hinges useful when I’m using the toy solo, too. Some days, my clit wants more pressure; some days, it wants less. I can widen or tighten the Sync’s angle to get the exact right amount of clit pressure at any given moment, and to make sure the clit arm actually stays on my clit. It’s genius.

Beware, though, that these hinges are prone to breaking if you drop the toy or pull it wider too harshly. I’ve worked at two different sex shops and the Sync floor models at both were broken by overzealous customers and/or salespeople by accident. When the hinges snapped, so, too, did the connection between the two arms’ motors – so not only did the toy flop uselessly like a deflated boner, but it also no longer vibrated in the internal arm. Be careful with your Sync!

Getting back to this toy’s good points, though, here’s the major thing that makes the Sync better than any other couples’ vibe on the market: DAT MOTOR. For years I’ve wondered why We-Vibe’s flagship toys’ motors were so weak and buzzy while their solo vibes were satisfyingly rumbly. Now, at long last, they’ve put a Tango-esque motor in a couples’ toy. The internal arm is still buzzy and kinda useless to me, but that clitoral arm is every bit as rumbly as I need it to be. It brings me to deep, satisfying orgasms, and doesn’t leave me numb.

Though the We-Connect app is designed for couples to use together, it can also be used alone. It acts as a remote control for the toy, and I like it a lot better than the actual remote the toy comes with. There is something so futuristic and cool about controlling my vibe from my phone. I don’t even have to take my pants down at any point; I can adjust the vibe’s position using my pelvic muscles and its vibrations with the app. Perfect for lazy orgasms at my desk, watching porn, reading erotica, or fantasizing.

Aside from the aforementioned fragile hinges, I only have a few quibbles about the Sync, and they are as follows. First off, the ridgy texture on the vaginal arm makes this toy impossible to clean without a small scrub brush (so, y’know, get a small scrub brush, or an old toothbrush). Secondly, if I’m using the Sync by myself, sometimes I get so wet that it starts to slide out of me and I have to continually readjust it. This isn’t nearly as much of an issue when a partner’s dick is in me, though. And thirdly, the internal arm’s motor is much weaker and buzzier than the one in the external arm. This only bugs me when I’m in the mood for strong G-spot stimulation, which isn’t often, but if you like your internal vibes robust and relentless, you might not be pleased with the Sync.

When I tell sex-nerd friends who haven’t tried the Sync that I’m reviewing it, they’re often disappointed or confused. “Don’t you hate couples’ vibes?” they say, perhaps flashing back to me screeching at the tangled panties of my FixSation, gnashing my teeth while mashing the remote of the We-Vibe 3, or throwing the Lelo Ida on my bedroom floor in an anguished rage.

It’s true that I’ve never loved a vibe of this style before. My former favorite from this category was the Lelo Noa, because it was the only one simultaneously unobtrusive enough not to bother my partner but strong and rumbly enough to get me off. But even that was not love – it was a paltry and resigned “like,” similar to how I’ll begrudgingly pick Wendy’s over McDonalds or Burger King if those are my only choices.

But I actually love the We-Vibe Sync. It does what a couples’ vibe should do: stays in place, doesn’t get in the way or interrupt the proceedings, and gets me off – whether I’m being fucked by a vanilla darling or a darkly dominant beau.

 

The We-Vibe Sync is available at Come As You Are ($237 CAD/about $180 USD), SheVibe ($199 USD), Peepshow ($199 USD), or from We-Vibe direct ($249 CAD).

Review: Sistalk Doctor Whale

Kate Sloan

Friends keep asking me what the deal is with the little stuffed cyclops-whale displayed in my room. “It came with a Kegel toy I’m reviewing soon,” I always say, which is a strange sentence. #SexToyReviewerLyfe, amirite?

Sistalk recently sent me their Doctor Whale vibrating Kegel exerciser – and that accompanying Doctor Whale stuffed animal. (I don’t know what he’s a doctor of, nor where he got his medical degree.) It’s a cool idea: an insertable vibrator equipped with pressure sensors, so it can vibrate your G-spot pleasurably while also guiding you through a Kegel exercise regimen and sensing how well you’re doing on your workout. The toy is controllable via an app called Monster Pub, which is also where you can set up and track your Kegel exercises. You can use Sistalk toys as regular wearable vibrators as well, controlling their vibrations via the app.

Sistalk designed this product well in some ways: its silicone is smooth and soft, it’s easy to insert, and it’s comfortable to use. The whale’s tail sits against my clit but doesn’t really vibrate it, so I’ll never have an orgasm from this toy alone, but that isn’t really its aim. The whale’s body is big enough that I can feel it when I squeeze around it, but not so big that it’s uncomfortable. To my surprise, the motor is quite good: rumbly and strong enough to please my fickle G-spot. Physically, the toy is well-thought-out.

But problems arise once you get into the Bluetooth connectivity and app-controllability. The connection between the toy and my phone is always tenuous at best, usually disconnecting after a couple minutes if not sooner. Other reviewers have experienced this issue too so I know it’s not a fluke with my particular toy. Needless to say, it’s hard to focus on a Kegel exercise routine when you’re concerned the vibe will disconnect at any moment, which it inevitably does.

The app itself is too busy, bursting with options. I’ve dated enough app developers to be able to hear their tut-tutting in my head as I flip through this app’s overburdened menus and screens. There’s also a language barrier which makes many of its instructions confusing or downright hilarious (I’m still gigglin’ about the Kegel exercise narrator telling me to squeeze my “vageena” tighter).

I think this line of toys has a lot of potential; the designers just need to fix the connectivity issues, tighten up the app, and maybe construct a more stimulating tail for this li’l whale. Until then, I recommend the We-Vibe Sync if you’re looking for an app-controllable vibrator, and a good old-fashioned pair of Kegel balls if you want to work on your pelvic musculature. Hopefully Sistalk works out the kinks with their products so lots of folks can enjoy these adorable, health-promoting monsters!

 

This review was sponsored, and as always, all writing and opinions are my own.

12 Days of Girly Juice 2017: 1 Fantastic Toy Company

Kate Sloan

“Wow, you really like We-Vibe, huh?” my boss asked me shortly after I started a stint working sex toy retail earlier this year.

I looked at her blankly. Of course I like We-Vibe. We-Vibe makes high-quality, body-safe vibrators with strong, rumbly motors and some of the best-honed technology on the market. What’s not to like?

Choosing a company to profile in this year-end feature has sometimes been tricky for me (previously: Fucking Sculptures, Aslan Leather), but this year it was so, so easy, because I use We-Vibe’s products more than those by almost any other company. They fit into my sex life seamlessly, whether I’m alone or with a partner. They just… do what they’re supposed to do.

The We-Vibe Tango remains the real MVP of my toybag. I own two of them now, and frequently exhaust their batteries from jerking off with them several times a week. In fact, the Tango was far-and-away my most-used vibrator of the year, facilitating a whopping 93 of the 333 orgasms I had this year (that’s 27.9% – more than any partner I had this year, certainly!). It just works well. The vibrations are rumbly and powerful, the shape jives with my clitoral preferences, and I know I’ll reliably have an orgasm with this toy. It’s also magnificent for sliding between bodies during partnered sex, whether a partner is fucking me, fingerbanging me, or using other toys on me.

I also keep a We-Vibe Touch at my parents’ house for my use when I sleep over there, and it serves me well. The shape isn’t my favorite but with dat motor, it doesn’t really matter.

Speaking of motors, We-Vibe’s made one of the only existing couples’ vibes with an actually good one: the We-Vibe Sync. This is my #1 recommendation for people looking for a couples’ vibe or a toy that can be controlled long-distance. With their We-Connect app and Bluetooth connectivity, We-Vibe has perfected this functionality in a way other companies have failed to. The toy stays connected, does what it’s supposed to do, and is controlled via an intuitive and exciting mobile interface. As someone who’s had multiple long-distance beaux this year, this toy has been an important one for me!

Some other favorites of mine from the We-Vibe catalogue: the rumbly and usefully-shaped Gala, the G-spot-targeting Rave, and the dually-stimulating Nova. To be fair, they also released a few toys this year I’m not as fond of – like the Wish, with its finicky motors, and the uncomfortably-shaped Ditto – but, for the most part, they are always pushing themselves to make better products, and seem to take customer feedback into account. When a new We-Vibe product comes out, even if I’m skeptical, I’m always at least curious.

I knew my We-Vibe love had become part of my brand when, the other night, after some thoroughly unraveling phone sex, a long-distance beau asked me, “What vibe were you using? The Tango?”

“Yep. I love it,” I said. “I have two.”

“Alright,” he countered. “No need to brag.”

12 Days of Girly Juice 2017: 9 Best New Sex Toys

Kate Sloan

It was a good year for sex toys! I acquired over 65 new toys this year. (Yeesh. Being a sex toy reviewer is weird and great.)

You would think it might be hard to pick my top 9 favorites from that massive number, but actually, I’m a total snob. It’s rare that I acquire a new toy and love it enough to keep using it after I’ve reviewed it. Here, then, are the 9 best new treats I got this year, and where you can get ’em if you think you’d also like ’em…

9. Kronic Sensations wooden bat. I picked this up impulsively one day at local Toronto sex shop Kink T.O., and it was such a good purchase. These bats are incredibly thuddy, like getting hit with an actual mini baseball bat – so if you like your impact sensations deep and penetrating, rather than surfacey and stingy, you’d be into these. (Available at Kink.)

8. Sportsheets under-the-bed restraints. These are so basic, so useful, so necessary that it’s odd to think they haven’t been attached to my bed for my entire adult life. But no: I only acquired them earlier this year. They’re the easiest way to seamlessly incorporate bondage into your sex life. When I’m having a lot of kinky sex (i.e. not lately), I use these all the damn time. A++, 10/10, would recommend. (Available at SheVibe, Ignite, Peepshow, the Smitten Kitten, and Early to Bed.)

7. Zumio. I’m rarely in the mood for this thing, but when I am, woof, I need it. It’s one of the best tools available for intense, pinpointed clitoral stimulation. Its mega-intensity also makes it useful for kinky forced-orgasm scenes: if you’re holding a Zumio to my clit, you’ve got my goddamn attention, I’ll tell ya that much. (Available at SheVibe, Ignite, Peepshow, the Smitten Kitten, and Early to Bed.)

6. We-Vibe Gala. I just got this recently and am already loving it. (Full review to come in 2018!) Its two-eared shape makes it ideal for people like me who abhor direct clitoral stimulation and prefer having their clit touched through the clitoral hood or inner labia. The motor is also excellent, as is standard for We-Vibe toys. (Available at Come As You Are, SheVibe, Ignite, Peepshow, and the Smitten Kitten.)

5. ScreamingO Charged Vooom. I reviewed this along with a cadre of other cheap vibes and the Vooom was the only one I loved and continued to love. This zippy little raspberry-pink bullet vibe performs remarkably well for its price point, and makes a capable understudy for my beloved Tango when needed. (Available at Come As You Are, SheVibe, and Peepshow)

4. Weal & Breech purpleheart paddle. This beaut unseated my previous favorite impact toy from its throne this year. Fancy, handmade, and one-of-a-kind, it makes me feel like a kinky queen. The perfectly balanced weight and ergonomic handle make it clear this paddle was created by kinksters. I’ll never forget when, midway through our first spanking session with this toy, my then-boyfriend moaned low in his throat, “I reeeally like this paddle,” to which I moaned back, “SO DO I.” (Similar product available at Come As You Are.)

3. We-Vibe Nova. I technically got this last year, when Bex gifted me one, but didn’t give it a proper shot until early 2017. The Nova is, hands-down, my favorite dual-stimulation vibe I’ve ever tried. As is par for the course with We-Vibe, it’s thoughtfully designed, high-quality, and pleasantly rumbly. When I’m craving deep vibration on my G-spot and clit simultaneously, I know the Nova is the best tool for the job. (Available at SheVibe, Peepshow, Ignite, and Early to Bed.)

2. Doxy Die Cast. Definitely the prettiest wand vibe in my collection! I still reach for my Magic Wand more often, because it’s lighter and the lower speeds are rumblier, but the Die Cast has definitely snuck into my starting lineup this year. It’s wonderfully luxurious and always powerful enough to get me off. And that glitter finish! Swoon! (Available at Come As You Are, SheVibe, and Peepshow.)

1. Standard Glass S-Curve. A gift from Bex, this is indubitably the best toy I received all year. Quite possibly my favorite dildo ever, now that I think about it. Yes, the S-Curve has usurped my beloved Double Trouble as my vagina’s favorite thing, simply because it’s slimmer and more targeted and doesn’t require warm-up like the DT does for me. The S-Curve finds my A-spot with such ease and speed that it’s pretty much the closest thing I have to a “press here for orgasm” device. I’ve also heard reports from partners that it’s a simple and intuitive toy to fuck someone with. Win-win! (Available at the Smitten Kitten.)

What were your favorite toys of the year?