Sex Toy Reviews

The Best and Worst Sex Toys of 2014

Kate Sloan

Having strong feelings about sex toys is kind of in my job description. I’ve been doing it all year long.

Normally I would write a wrap-up covering only toys that I reviewed this year, like I did for 2013. But I actually didn’t review as many toys this year, and most of the ones I did review, I didn’t like.

So, in lieu of doing a standard best-and-worst-of-the-year list, I’m just going to tell you what I loved and hated most this year, regardless of when I reviewed it or when it came out. Some classics are classic for a reason, y’know?

The best of the best

Best new vibrator: Pickings were slim this year as far as good new vibrators go. My favorite one I personally tried was the Revel Body SOL, though it still has its issues (like making me feel alternately overstimulated and understimulated until, finally, I somehow have an orgasm).

Best old vibrator: My ol’ faithful, the Eroscillator, still sits on my nightstand at all times (except when I’m using it, of course) and is the toy I reach for when I want to get off quickly and easily. Honorable mentions go to the always-satisfying, hella-rumbly We-Vibe Salsa and Tango, though I still hate their finicky charger (surely someone wants to gift me the new version for Christmas?!).

Best new dildo: The Tantus Slow Drive came out on top. I was pleasantly surprised by its G-spotting abilities and I liked that it comes in two different length options. The short purple one holds a place of honor on my desk at the moment.

Best old dildo: The Fleshjack Boys line has been out for years but I only recently fell in love with the magnificent monster of a cock that is the Brent Everett dildo. My review is coming soon; hold tight!

Best anal toy: I had neutral-to-negative feelings about every single anal toy I tried this year. (Dramatic, disappointed sigh.) So this award goes to my Njoy Pure Plug because a) it’s still terrific and b) it cured my constipation in June (in conjunction with some lube with possible laxative qualities).

Best harness: I’m not sure I’ve ever felt sexier than I do while wearing my Aslan Jaguar. Here’s hoping I’ll actually have occasion to use it in 2015!

The worst of the worst

Most painful toy: Oh god. My innards cringe at the memory. This title is jointly awarded to the Lelo Ida, which I compared to having a sharp rock in your vagina, and the Pipedream Metal Worx Luv Plug, which just did not get along with my buttcheeks in the slightest.

Worst marketing: I raged over the nauseatingly gendered marketing of Pink and Gun Oil lubes, and the fact that the “male” version is literally the exact same product but is cheaper. I also went “WTF” along with the whole sex blogosphere when Lelo launched the Pino; here’s Epiphora taking it to task.

Worst sex toy innovation: I love you, Tantus, but the Plunge paddle-dildo hybrid confused me and just did not work.

What sex products did you hate and love this year?

Review: Pipedream Ceramix No. 1

Kate Sloan

I really wanted to like the Pipedream Ceramix No. 1, because it’s hard not to like a butt plug that looks like a toadstool from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. I am all about that Lewis Carroll aesthetic – but this plug just doesn’t work for my body.

The Ceramix line is a step forward for Pipedream: it’s a whole series of toys made of a somewhat innovative, body-safe material (ceramic, bien sûr!). I think the only ceramic toy I’d tried prior to this one is the Pleasure dildo by Duncan Charles Designs, and while I really liked it, the company’s website is down and the toy doesn’t seem to be available anywhere online anymore, to my knowledge. So it’s nice to see more ceramic options on the market.

Ceramic is a groovy material for sex toys. It has the firmness and temperature-play capabilities of glass or steel, but it’s relatively light compared to those two. It’s smooth to the touch and feels luxurious but is often pretty affordable. And of course, it’s non-porous and phthalate-free. Score!

When I looked at pictures of the No. 1 plug, I thought that the white spots would be raised bumps, which seemed potentially painful to me. But nope – they’re just dots that are painted onto the surface of the toy and imperceptible to the touch. That was a definite plus for me, but if you’re looking for mega texture, you’ll want to look elsewhere. (I recommend the Tantus Twist!)

The No. 1 is girthy, at 1.75" in diameter. It’s also short (3" insertable). This combination can be dangerous if you don’t warm yourself up properly, because the slope from the tip of the toy to its widest point is steep and sudden, or at least it certainly feels that way in use. I didn’t always practice responsible warm-up protocol when using this toy and insertion was sometimes painful as a result. Learn from my mistakes!

It’s a relief when you finally get the toy all the way in, because the discomfort of insertion goes away, but then the discomfort of actually wearing the toy kicks in. The base is round and digs into my asscheeks (y’all know how I love that – not!) and the business end of the plug seems to stretch my ass uncomfortably no matter how much lube I use or how slow I go. I know some folks are into that stretching sensation, or might even enjoy buttcheek pain, but… I really, really don’t like those feelings. There were many times during my testing process when I’d literally squirm and writhe around while using this plug because I just couldn’t get comfortable, and wanted to yank the plug out ASAP.

So, while I really like how the Ceramix No. 1 looks when it’s sitting on my desk, and while I appreciate that Pipedream is trying to do something unique with its Ceramix line, I just can’t get on board with this plug. It causes me all sorts of aches and pains and is too girthy for my tastes.

Thanks to Pipedream and PinkCherry for the toy!

Review: Tantus Slow Drive

Kate Sloan

OPTIONS! I love having options. I love not needing to settle for a toy that’s almost-but-not-quite right for my anatomy, my technique, or my aesthetic preferences.

Tantus is very good at providing options. Not only do they carry a whole lot of kickass non-standard color choices (peacock-turquoise Duke, anyone?) but they’ve also been known to offer more than one size choice for certain dildos – for example, the small, medium and large Silk, and the small and large (HUGE) Amsterdam. Now they’re at it again, with a new(-ish) toy that comes in two different lengths: the Slow Drive and Slow Drive Long.

The price difference between the two is only $7, so if you think there’s any chance of you needing more than 5" of insertable length, you might as well spring for the long version and get an extra 2" for your money. Personally, I’m perfectly happy with either one; the regular Slow Drive is long enough to fill my vag to the hilt without much leftover length, while the long version gives me a little more “handle” to hold onto while thrusting. Whatever floats your boat, baby.

Sensation-wise, I’m digging the Slow Drive more than I thought I would. Its pointy shape doesn’t scream “G-spot ecstasy” to me – my spot tends to prefer rounder, wider heads, like the one on the Tantus Sport – but it’s surprisingly pleasurable. The curve is short but extreme, and it nuzzles right into my G-spot without feeling pokey.

Both Slow Drives have a diameter of 1.25". Shout-out to Tantus for consistently offering lots of options for those of us who are decidedly not size queens. An inch and a quarter isn’t tiny, but it’s small enough that I can use it without prior warm-up, and large enough that I find it satisfying 90% of the time.

Even though it has the curve-at-the-very-tip shape that I’ve come to associate with good A-spot toys, I find that the Slow Drive doesn’t really hit my A-spot for some reason. It’s decidedly a G-spot toy for me. But I’m okay with that, because what it does, it does very well. I can have blended orgasms super easily with the Slow Drive by thrusting it fast against my G-spot and leaving a vibe on low or medium on my clit.

I also think the Slow Drives would be excellent for anal play. They’re smooth and have a consistent width all the way down, their curve is gradual, their silicone is comfortably flexible, and their bases are flared.

Speaking of the base: I love it. It’s teardrop-shaped, sort of like a Ouija planchette, with the triangular tip lining up with where the toy curves – so even when the toy is buried inside you, you’ll still know it right away if the toy rotates inside you and needs to be re-adjusted. (Does anyone else have this problem? It’s one of the things that drives me nuts about curved dildos with a featureless, round base!)

While I’m not going to say that the Slow Drive is the Most Amazing Dildo in the World, it’s still a great, reliable standby to keep in your nightstand.

Thanks, Tantus! You sure know how to spoil a lady.

5 Dildos I Couldn’t Live Without

Kate Sloan

As a sex toy reviewer, you often get asked what your favorite toy is, and it’s a bit like being asked, as a fashion fan, what your favorite piece of clothing is: you can’t really give a clear answer because it depends on so many factors. The context, the occasion, the time, the place you’re at mentally or emotionally. You might love your shearling boots in winter and your red floral sundress in summer. It’s the same with sex toys.

That said, there are five dildos that I tend to come back to, time and time again. Five dildos to rule them all, you might say. Here they are. Be warned: once you get your hands on one of them, you might become so addicted that you can’t put it down…

1. Vixen Creations VixSkin Mustang (review)

The Mustang is my first choice when I’m craving something realistic. It’s touchably soft and squishy, just like a flesh-and-blood cock. The texture and shape lend themselves well to fantasizing about good ol’-fashioned PIV sex.

The head and coronal ridge stroke along my G-spot in a way that’s pleasurable without being uncomfortable, like some more intense G-spot toys are. The Mustang is also long enough to hit my A-spot with ease. Overall: an excellent dildo that makes me all starry-eyed and happy-twatted.

2. Vixen Creations Leo (review)

Another Vixen dildo? Yes, they really are that good.

Leo is similar in size and shape to the Mustang, but its thickness is more consistent throughout, and it’s made of a firmer silicone, so it feels meatier. I tend to reach for it when I want a slightly more thorough rogering than I’d get from the Mustang.

It also has some scratchy texture just below its head, which doesn’t sound like it’d feel good but it does. Nothing else I own feels like that, so when I want a little roughness, I gotta have Leo.

3. Ophoria Beyond #3

This dildo has been discontinued and the sex toy blogosphere will never truly get over it, I think. I still get emails semi-regularly from people asking if I’d be willing to part with my Beyond 3 in exchange for money or other sex toys, and I always say no. That should tell you how valuable this toy is to me.

There are other deeply-curved, hyper-effective G-spot toys out there, like the Pure Wand and the Comet Wand, but the Beyond 3 is the one I like best. Its head is round and bulbous, its curve and angle are ideal, and its looped handle is ergonomic and comfortable. It’s the best tool for inducing knee-weakening, mind-bending G-spot sensations. Other toys can come close but, for me, they can’t match the Beyond 3’s perfection.

4. Tantus Acute (review)

I don’t know about you, but for me, vaginal penetration can sometimes be a bit of a chore. It’s worth the prep work, of course, but to do it, I have to spend time lubing up a toy and gently warming myself up with fingers or a smaller dildo, or penetration can be uncomfortable. For those times when I just can’t be bothered putting in the effort, the Acute is there.

It’s small, so it’s not always 100% satisfying, but the size-to-stimulation ratio is pretty impressive. That little curve goes straight for my G-spot and is surprisingly satisfying. This dildo will remain a bedside staple for me because it’s so, so good and so, so easy.

5. Tantus Tsunami (review)

I have a hard time even forming sentences to describe how good this dildo feels.

Ridges. Curve. G-spot. A-spot. Thrust. Smooth. Bumpy. PINK. VERY PINK.

See? Just trust me, even in my incoherence: it’s good.

What are your must-have penetrative toys?

Review: Pipedream Metal Worx XL Luv Plug

Kate Sloan

I loooove steel; it’s indubitably my favorite material for anal toys in particular. But there are some things you gotta know before you think about investing in a steel butt plug.

1. They’re probably not a great idea if you’ve never engaged in any kind of anal play before, because they’re heavy and immediately very noticeable. You might find the sensation a bit overwhelming; it’s like diving into the deep end without any swimming lessons. Try something small and silicone first.

2. They work with any lube, so use what you like. However, my across-the-board policy on anal lube is that I use exclusively thick, gel-like, water-based ones. I have yet to find a silicone-based lube thick enough to work for my butt, and despite the generalization that water-based lubes tend to evaporate quicker than other kinds, I find that types with a gel consistency last seemingly forever – or at least, long enough for me to get my butt jollies and then pop the plug out pain-free.

3. Be extra cautious when carrying or washing a steel plug, because it is bound to be HEAVY and you can do some serious damage with it if you’re reckless or careless. Don’t drop it in the sink, or you risk cracking your ceramic. Don’t drop it on your toes, or you risk cracking your bones. To quote Mad-Eye Moody: “CONSTANT VIGILANCE!”

4. Steel plugs must, must, must be designed ergonomically for the body, or they will be uncomfortable at best and agonizing at worst. Read reviews (like this one!) to get a good sense – though not a perfect sense, because everyone’s body is different – of whether the toy you’re thinking about buying is actually butt-friendly, comfortable, and seems to have been tested by actual humans at some point during the production process.

I was sent the Metal Worx XL Luv Plug and it’s okay but I have some quibbles about it. My butt has been spoiled by the best steel plugs in existence, the Njoy Pure Plugs, so my standards for steel plugs are high, but maybe that’s a good thing.

I just drafted a whole paragraph about how this plug is supposedly “extra-large” but isn’t actually that big, and how I suspected that the measurements on the product page must be inflated. But then I got out my tape measure, just to make sure, and apparently this thing actually is TWO INCHES in diameter, like it says it is. Holy shit. My vagina can’t even handle two inches of steel, let alone my ass. How is this witchcraft possible?! I guess the shape is so nicely tapered that it lets my butt smoothly transition from tiny tip to wide-ass middle. There is sometimes a little pain or discomfort if I don’t warm up properly by using a smaller plug for a while first, but it’s not too bad. (Definitely start with something smaller if you’re new to anal play, though. The Mini Luv Plug, for example.)

Basically all my problems with this plug are with its lower half, i.e. the neck and base. The upper half is fine – great, even. Properly sized, comfortably tapered, pleasantly heavy. Just fabulous, really.

But the neck… It strikes me as being too thin, even considering that butt plug necks are supposed to be thin to make the plug more comfortable and help it stay in better. This neck just feels so thin that it’s like I can hardly tell there’s even a plug inside me, once it’s fully inserted. It makes me wish I had just a little more girth to clench around. When I masturbate with a butt plug in (which I don’t do very often, but still), I like to have some sense that there’s something in my ass so I can imagine I’m being butt-fucked; this one feels almost imperceptible when it’s in because the neck puts no pressure or weight on the opening of my ass at all.

The base is the worst. It’s one of those terrible round bases that seems to have been designed by someone with no knowledge of the existence of buttcheeks. I can wear this plug comfortably if I’m lying down spread-eagled and my cheeks are wide apart (how d’you like that image?!) but if I’m walking, sitting, or doing normal human things, the (SHARP) edges of the base start to dig into my chubby butt. That feeling is about as far removed from “sexy” as I can imagine.

My other problem with the base is the sparkly clear crystal on the bottom. It’s very pretty, definitely an appreciated aesthetic touch, but it’s poorly designed. The middle of it is flat but the edges slope upward, so that if the toy is jostled at all while standing on its base, it tips over, usually resulting in it falling onto some part of my body in a painful way or rolling off my desk. Maybe other people don’t care about this, but dammit, I think a toy should be able to stand up on its own. If you can’t display it or stand it at the ready next to your bed, then what’s the point?!

I might recommend this plug if it were cheaper (as many Pipedream toys are), but it sells for $63 or more, depending on where you get it. For that price, you could have your pick of the small or medium Pure Plug, or spend just a little more and get the large. The Pure Plugs have a way better design than the Luv Plug, in that they feel super comfortable the entire time you’re wearing them, and they stay put when you put ‘em somewhere, whether that “somewhere” is your butt or your bedside table. You can also really feel them when they’re in – in a very, very good way.

It’s hard to go wrong with a steel plug, but the XL Luv Plug just doesn’t get it quite right. Better luck next time, Pipedream.

This toy was sent to me courtesy of Pipedream and PinkCherry. Thanks, babes!