Sex Toy Reviews

Review: SSA Glass Royal Adventure

Kate Sloan

Dear SSA Glass: I love you, I love you, I love you! Sincerely, GJ’s vagina.

Seriously, though – this month I was lucky enough to receive a Royal Adventure dildo, and my ladybits are smitten.

Previously, my favorite SSA Glass toy was the Amethyst, with the Bubbly coming in a close second, but the whimsically-named Royal Adventure has usurped them both.

Like all the toys this company makes, this one is made of glass, but unlike all their other toys, the Royal Adventure is semi-realistic (in layman’s terms: it kinda looks like a penis). It has a defined head, complete with a coronal ridge and a little faux frenulum, and its shape and size are reasonably average. (It has an insertable length of 6″ and a diameter of 1 ¼”.)

The not-so-realistic element of this dildo is the corkscrew-like ridgy texture that swirls around its shaft from base to head. These ridges are intense and are spaced closer together than I’m used to, so at first they felt foreign and jarring – but with enough lube and arousal goin’ on, I quickly grew to love this texture.

The Royal Adventure has a curve, but it’s hardly anything at all; this isn’t a G-spot toy. Rather than targeting a particular spot, it stimulates the entire front wall of my vagina, while also being long enough to nudge my A-spot.

Another notable thing about the Royal Adventure is that it’s harness-compatible. This is pretty uncommon for glass toys. I can think of a few people who would look totally foxy with this sapphire beauty strapped to them. It’d work not just for vaginal penetration but also for pegging, if the recipient’s ass is experienced enough to be able to handle the texture and firmness.

In summary, yeah, I absolutely adore the Royal Adventure. It is so good that I can forgive SSA Glass for occasionally making baffling mistakes, like releasing an entirely smooth and straight dildo.

Review: JeJoue SaSi

Kate Sloan

Imagine how you would feel about a lover who was totally inept at getting you off, who always seemed to change their technique just as you were getting close to coming, and who approached your genitals with a grimace of apprehension, and you’ll understand how I feel about the JeJoue SaSi.

Several years old and probably discontinued by now (though still available through Sex Toys Canada), the SaSi seemed unbelievably innovative when it first launched. It’s an oral sex simulator consisting of a small ball moving around underneath a silicone covering in various patterns that are meant to be tongue-like. Most notably, you can actually “program” the SaSi using its “skip” and “don’t stop” buttons, so it’ll learn what kind of patterns you like and give you more of those.

In theory? Bravo, JeJoue, you brilliant geniuses! In practice? Ugh, fuck you, SaSi, I hate you.

Problem number one: the motions kind of suck (and not in the “oh, yeah, suck on my clit just like that” way, unfortunately). They’re random, erratic, and weird. My inner labia and the sides of my clit have never gotten so much lovin’ in their life – which is great for them, I guess, but those aren’t the most responsive parts of my pussy. There are only a few patterns that focus on the top-centre of my clit where most of my sensitivity is, and none of them are a steady back-and-forth or up-and-down motion. This makes no sense.

Problem number two: the ball is too damn slow. It has three speeds and even the highest one feels merely like teasing and not like actual competent tonguing.

Problem number three: the SaSi does have vibration in addition to its minuscule movements, and you’d think vibes would improve the sensation, but I actually can’t feel the ball moving when the vibrations are on. I suspect this is because the ball can barely be felt when the vibrations aren’t on.

To the SaSi’s credit, it’s an elegant-looking toy, it feels relatively ergonomic in my hand (like a computer mouse!), and its silicone covering is removable so you can wash and sterilize it without ruining the rest of the toy. These are all good things, but they’re not enough to make SaSi a good or even passable sex toy.

If you want an oral sex simulator that may actually be able to get you off, try the Sqweel 2 or the oscillating mode on the Jimmyjane Form 2. But please, for the love of all things sexy and orgasmic, do not buy the SaSi. It is 100% frustrating and cruel.

Thanks, Sex Toys Canada!

Review: Sportsheets Doggie Style Strap

Kate Sloan

At their best, sex toys enhance your sex life (whether solo, partnered, or both) and improve your pleasure. At their worst, they can injure you. And at their most mediocre, they make no discernable changes to your experience. That last option is the best one to describe the Sportsheets Doggie Style Strap.

It’s a pink and black fuzzy strap with rough handles that remind me of the adjusters that hung down from your second-grade backpack. The strap goes around the front of the midsection of whoever’s getting fucked, and then the person doing the fucking takes ahold of the handles and this arrangement is supposed to make doggie-style fucking a whole lot more “comfortable” and “intense.”

As doggie-style is maybe my favorite position, I thought I should at least try a product like this. I’m glad I did, because now I know my boyfriend doesn’t need any extra crap to help him fuck me like a champ.

We switched back and forth several times between using and not using the strap, and I really couldn’t feel a difference at all. He wasn’t able to go deeper, harder, or faster when using it. He also said it was no easier than when he just holds my hips with his hands.

Additionally, maybe because I’ve got big hips, the rough handles rubbed on my sides, which started to feel like carpet burn after a short while.

It’s possible that this strap would have something to offer for people with mobility issues, but for regular able-bodied joes like me and my boyfriend, it gets in the way more than it helps.

Review: Tantus Splish

Kate Sloan

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It makes me sad to have to write a negative review about a Tantus toy, since they’re usually so fantastic – but the Splish has been a total letdown for me.

It’s a good-lookin’ dual-color dildo, a smaller version of the formidable Splash. I waffled a lot about which toy to get, because the Splash is too wide for me at 1 ¾", and the Splish is too narrow for me at 1".

I went for the smaller one. I don’t know why.

The Splish feels good for about three minutes, assuming I haven’t been penetrated by anything else recently. But after that, my vagina widens with arousal and I practically can’t feel the damn thing anymore.

It’s not even long enough to reach my A-spot. And if a toy is too narrow to stroke my G-spot, it better be able to work some magic on my A-spot. The Splish can do neither.

While I might recommend the Splish for a beginner to anal play, or for someone suffering from vaginismus, I think just about everyone else would be happier with the larger Splash.

Review: California Exotics Silicone Jack Rabbit

Kate Sloan

When people ask me what I think about rabbit vibrators, I say, “It’s a brilliant idea, but it’s usually poorly executed.”

Many rabbits are made of disgusting materials – and the ones made of body-safe silicone basically fall into two categories: ridiculously expensive rechargeables, and cheaper, shittier vibes with power distribution issues.

I have pretty specific needs when it comes to rabbit vibes. First, the shaft needs to twirl, not vibrate, because my G-spot responds far better to motion and pressure than it does to vibration. Second, the clit stimulator needs to be strong enough and must have more than one speed. Thirdly, the shaft and clit stimulator need to be independently controllable, because sometimes my clit is momentarily hungrier than my G-spot or vice versa. And finally, the power distribution needs to work well – I can’t have a rabbit whose clit stimulator weakens considerably when you turn up the shaft speed.

To my great surprise, the California Exotics Silicone Jack Rabbit meets all of these criteria.

The Jack Rabbit is an updated version of the first rabbit I ever owned, which also happens to be the only jelly toy I purchased before I found out how awful jelly is. I loved that rabbit’s functionality, but after a few uses, it started to make my vagina burn, so I wistfully set it aside and haven’t used it since. Needless to say, I’m glad that CalEx decided to make a body-safe version, and that it rocks.

This rabbit’s spinning shaft is controlled with up and down buttons. It has three speeds: medium, fast, and very fast. Like most twirly rabbit shafts, it’s kind of loud and sounds like a kitchen appliance – and the sound level doesn’t seem to decrease even when the toy is buried in my vagina. Sorry, co-habitators.

The clit stimulator is basically the Goldilocks of bunny ears: not too floppy, not too firm. They stay put on my clit but don’t dig into it at all. The ears’ vibrations are controlled via one button; you can cycle through the three solid speeds, as well as a few patterns.

The shaft’s base also has those twirling beads embedded in it, which are apparently really popular. I’m not 100% convinced I can actually feel them, but it’s possible they’re contributing to my enjoyment anyway.

Real talk: this rabbit can get me off in two minutes flat. There are very, very few toys I can say that about. The combination of different types of stimulation is straight-up divine.

It’s apparently waterproof, but some other people who’ve reviewed it have noted that the silicone section started to separate from the plastic base, making it risky to take it in the bath. This hasn’t happened to mine, but I’m wary about putting it in water. If you really want a waterproof rabbit, it might be worth saving up for something by Jopen or Lelo.

The clit vibration is not the strongest in the world, and it’s pretty buzzy – but it gets me off, and I’d say I require a medium-to-high amount of stimulation depending on the day, so that’s something. The circling motion of the shaft causes the clit stimulator to gently and slightly move up and down on my clit on its own, which helps.

The Silicone Jack Rabbit costs $80, so if you want a luxe, high-quality rabbit, you could upgrade to the Lelo Ina for not that much more. But if, like me, you demand a spinning shaft and you don’t have the cash for a high-end Jopen rabbit, this one might be the way to go.