Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Wake-Up Vibe

Kate Sloan

I am a notoriously deep sleeper. I have been known to deactivate alarm clocks in my sleep and then wake up hours later saying, “What the hell? Why didn’t my alarm clock wake me up?!” I have missed many a morning class because the quality of my sleep is akin to that of a hibernating bear.

So I was intrigued by the Wake-Up Vibe, though admittedly skeptical. If loud radio announcers or blaring calypso music couldn’t get me up-and-at-‘em, how could vibration do it?

The Wake-Up Vibe is made of ABS plastic covered in soft, smooth silicone. It has a little display which shows the time and allows you to set the alarm. There are five buttons: left, right, up, down, and middle. It’s not immediately obvious how to go about setting the clock, setting the alarm, and turning the vibe on, but the accompanying instruction booklet explains all this stuff very clearly, so read it and you’ll be good.

It comes with a black storage bag which leaves little black smudges on the toy’s surface (you can sort of see this in the photo above). I don’t know why it does this; it shouldn’t, if it’s real silicone, so maybe it isn’t. It also comes with a cute pink sleep-mask and several international adaptors for its charger.

The vibe is shaped in a gentle curve that matches the shape of my mons, coming to a halt in a little ball that is meant to rest on the clit. (You can also position the vibe so that the tip is against your vaginal opening, if that’s more your style.) It stays in place very well all night long if I’m wearing underwear, but it’s totally impossible to wear this vibe without panties or some other close-fitting lower-body garment. I sort of wish there was another way, since I prefer to sleep naked or at least bottomless, but any other way would probably involve all-night vaginal penetration, which wouldn’t be ideal either.

You can set the vibe to start at a low speed and work its way up, thereby waking you up gently and slowly. You can also increase the minimum speed so it’ll start stronger, waking you up with more of a jolt (which I need). It has several patterns – pulses, waves, etc. – so you can pick the one that works best for you. While I’m normally not a fan of vibration patterns, I do find them more effective than straight vibration for shocking me out of a deep sleep. Nothin’ like sudden quick pulses right on your clit to rouse you from slumber.

And rouse me, it does. Sometimes I have some kind of sexual mini-dream just before waking as a result of the vibrations, something weird like Jim Parsons tapping a pen against my clit or my best friend inexplicably going down on me. But then I’m awakened.

The Wake-Up Vibe doesn’t turn me on. I don’t wake up with a ladyboner, even when I’ve had one of those illicit dreamlets. I just feel shocked out of sleep, adrenaline-flooded, just like when your alarm clock suddenly starts blaring pop music at precisely 7:00 AM.

You can also use the Wake-Up Vibe as a regular vibrator, though I don’t see why you would want to. It’s an awkward shape to hold onto with your hand, and the vibrations are buzzy and passable but not especially satisfying. I have tried in vain to get off with this thing and it has not happened – but, to be fair, that isn’t necessarily its goal. If this toy did turn me on in the morning, which it doesn’t, I’d just shut it off and reach for another vibe to finish the job.

I don’t think the Wake-Up Vibe is ideal for someone who needs to get up at a specific time; there’s too much risk that you’ll stay asleep, or that you won’t wake up until the vibrations ramp up to their maximum strength. This is really a better choice for those days when you can sleep in and want to be awakened sweetly, slowly, gently. And if you’re expecting to have an orgasm just as you open your eyes to greet the day, well, look elsewhere, ’cause this vibe can’t finish what it starts.

Merci, PinkCherry!

Review: Tantus Curve

Kate Sloan

The Tantus Curve is the general practitioner of dildos. It can fulfill your most basic of dildo needs, halfway and perfunctorily, but if you have a specific wish you want a dildo to grant, you’ll probably need a referral to a specialist.

Want G-spot stimulation that’ll make your knees quiver? Check out the Adam O2 or Acute. Want to give your A-spot a good strokin’? Try the Tsunami. Craving a ton of texture? The Splash and Charmer have got you covered.

The Curve can meet all of these needs; it just doesn’t do any of them all that well. It might be a good choice for you if you use your dildos a lot of different ways but don’t have the cash to buy a different one for each purpose – but if that doesn’t describe you, you’re probably better off spending your money on a different dildo.

The Curve is average-sized: 6″ long and 1 3/8″ in diameter. The tapered tip makes it easy and comfortable to insert. It’s an ideal size for a warm-up dildo and would also make a great pegging tool for someone who can handle its moderate girth.

It reminds me of a dragon or dinosaur dick. This is probably the closest thing I’ll ever own to a Bad Dragon dildo. While its appearance makes it usable for some kind of medieval-creature fantasy, once it’s inside my vagina, it just feels like a regular ol’ human-cock dildo.

The Curve’s base is sturdy, thick, and wide – ideal for harnesses or anal play. The base comes to a soft triangular peak in the front, for which I discovered a cool use: if I hold my Hitachi against the bottom and smush the triangle into my clit, I can get off from the conducted vibrations. This is technically doable with most dildos, yes, but the triangle peak seems to focus the vibrations onto my clit better than a classic round base.

The gentle ripples along the shaft aren’t really noticeable for me when they’re inside me. However, the coronal ridge under the head of the dildo is a little more major, and feels good on my G-spot. It isn’t amazing, though. This is not a wicked intense G-spot dildo by any means. Even Tantus’ own Acute does a better job of that.

So the Curve doesn’t knock my socks off. That’s okay. It’s still a solid, basic dildo that I think will meet a lot of people’s needs, even if it didn’t impress me much.

Thank you, Tantus, for sending me this toy!

Review: Jimmyjane Form 4

Kate Sloan

I can’t even count the number of times that a toy ostensibly designed for penetration has ended up making friends with my clit. It’s not that I hate internal vibrations; I like ‘em when they’re rumbly. The problem is that most penetrative vibes seem to have been designed with no knowledge of how the vagina works at all.

The Jimmyjane Form 4 was sent to me by the lovely ladies at Sensual Intelligence, an eco-friendly, women-run, health-conscious retailer. (Y’all know I don’t normally make a hullaballoo about particular retailers, but a company with such great ethics is worth making an exception for, am I right?) While I do enjoy the Form 4 overall, it’s laughable that it’s been marketed as a penetrative vibe.

First off, it has no upward curve for accessing my G-spot, nor does it have the big, defined head that so many successful G-spot toys have. I can turn it around and use the larger end to penetrate myself, and indeed that feels better, but then the toy’s controls are inside my vagina – so it’s not really a workable solution.

The Form 4 is also too short to reach my anterior fornix unless I shove it all the way inside of me – which, once again, presents the problem of “How do I operate a toy whose controls are buried in my vag?”

As a clit vibe, the Form 4 does much better. Its motor is smartly located right in the tip of the toy where it ought to be, so my hand doesn’t get vibrated into numbness while I’m holding the vibe and my clit gets the brunt of the sensation. Its five speeds and three patterns are nicely varied. The vibrations are fairly buzzy, so I start to go numb if I use it for too long, but this can be remedied by using some of my usual techniques for dealing with overly buzzy vibes.

As for the vibration strength, it’s remarkable for a rechargeable, as per usual for Jimmyjane Form vibes. It’s in more-or-less the same range as the Lelo Siri and We-Vibe Tango, though it’s buzzier than both of them.

Like all the toys in the Form collection, the Form 4 charges by sitting upright in a dock. All the Form toys use the same dock, which is handy. This charging system feels futuristic and easy; I’m a fan.

The toy’s noise level is low-to-medium – it can be heard throughout the room it’s in, but not through a closed door. Annoyingly, it has a seam that wraps around its entire perimeter. The toy is waterproof, though being surrounded by bathwater dampens its vibrations somewhat.

Can you tell from this unimpassioned review that I feel pretty ambivalent about the Form 4? It works, it gets me off, it’s fine, but it doesn’t excite me. I don’t crave it; it’s not a go-to. When I want internal vibrations, I choose something rumbly instead, and when I want a clitoral orgasm, I grab something hella strong or wonderfully shaped or unusually stimulating. At $150 (depending on which retailer you get it from), the Form 4 seems overpriced for what it is: a dependable but ultimately boring clit vibe.

Review: Tantus Snap Strap paddle

Kate Sloan

I don’t think I really believed Tantus when they first came out with their line of paddles and said that the collection “can give you an entire spectrum of colors during use, from rosy pink, all the way to black & blue.” I guess I just didn’t think there could be that much variety from one plain-looking silicone paddle to another. But now I’m converted. Now I understand.

I have two paddles from the collection now, the Snap Strap, which I’m reviewing today, and the Wham Bam, which I’ve had for a few months already. Both are excellent, but I have a strong preference for the Wham Bam and I’ll tell you why.

In kink-speak, there are basically two ends of the spectrum when it comes to the sensations of impact play: “stingy” (pronounced sting-ee, not stin-jee) and “thuddy.” In a way, I think of them as being akin to the distinction between “buzzy” and “rumbly” in vibrators. If a paddle, flogger, or crop is stingy, its impact is basically surface-level, whereas a thuddy implement packs a deeper punch. Think of it as the difference between someone slapping your ass and punching it, maybe.

My boyfriend and I spent a good while testing both the Snap Strap and the Wham Bam on one another, and we both concluded that we prefer the Wham Bam – because it’s thuddier. Its sensation is fuller and more impactful. It’s more painful, but in a good way.

Of course, others will prefer the Snap Strap for its distinctly stingy sensation. Everyone has preferences and those preferences inform what kind of paddle you should buy.

As for the wielding end of the experience, the Wham Bam is definitely easier to manoeuver. The business end is thicker and shorter, so it doesn’t flop around as much. Both my partner and I found the Snap Strap so long and floppy that it was tricky to aim with. It truly behaves more like a strap, a belt, or a whip than a paddle – so if you already like that type of toy and want a sturdier version, the Snap Strap might be a good option.

By the way, if you’re wondering why someone would want a silicone paddle over more traditional materials like leather, here’s why: silicone is sterilizable. Say you’re playing with one of your partners and you happen to get some of her bodily fluids onto the paddle, but you have a date with your other partner later that day for some spanking (you minx, you!). With Tantus toys, that’s no problem – just stick it in some boiling water for a few minutes and you’re good to go.

So which paddle should you buy? If you’re a spankee, ask yourself whether your favorite part of a spanking is the sharp feeling on your skin (Snap Strap!) or the deep, reverberating sensation of a strong smack (Wham Bam!). If you’re a spanker, ask yourself if you feel more comfortable wielding a traditional paddle (Wham Bam!) or something closer to a whip (Snap Strap!).

Or you could just get both and call it a day.

Many thanks to PinkCherry for providing me with this toy!

Review: Something Forbidden Butt Plug

Kate Sloan

I’ve tried a lot of butt plugs in my day, but the Something Forbidden is easily the worst-designed of all of them.

It’s from the official Fifty Shades of Grey collection, meaning it was co-designed by E. L. James, so really, I should’ve guessed it would suck. But I thought that the other co-designer, Lovehoney, would know better, given that they actually make and sell sex toys (including the Sqweel, which I like). But nope. This butt plug is straight-up terrible.

Let’s go through the concerns I have with it, from most horrifying to least:

First off, the base is the WORST base I have ever encountered. It’s ring-shaped, and it is made of incredibly floppy, squishy, thin silicone. I can squish the base completely flat between two fingers with minimal effort. This means that whenever I wear the plug, I am constantly terrified that the base is going to smush together and the whole toy is going to slip inside me, necessitating a mad dash to the emergency room. Not fun.

Secondly, the words “Fifty Shades of Grey” are carved into the side of the plug. Not only is that a lot of tiny text to have to scrub with an old toothbrush during the cleaning process, but also – the text is engraved on the plug itself, not the base. So you’ve got a shit ton of text that can easily become encrusted with, you guessed it, actual shit. And lube, and whatever else. And it’s not that easy to clean. Gross. Major, major design flaw.

Thirdly, there’s a big seam running all the way around the plug. This isn’t the kind of thing I usually notice on sex toys (maybe my butt just isn’t that sensitive?) but I know it drives other people nuts, so it’s worth noting.

If the Something Forbidden were overhauled and those three glaring problems were fixed, I could see it being a decent plug for the kind of audience the Fifty Shades collection is aiming for: vanilla folks who have never or seldom tried kink before (including anal play). This plug is a good size for beginners, at 1″ in diameter, and it has a nicely tapered tip that makes it easy to insert. It also plays well with my favorite lube; I didn’t find I needed to reapply, even after an hour of wear.

The plug comes with a lovely silver-grey storage bag with the words Fifty Shades of Grey printed on it. While it’s obviously not the most discreet storage solution in the world, I still appreciate it. Too many companies forget the importance of including a storage bag, especially with lint-happy silicone toys like this one.

But overall? Please, please, please, don’t buy this plug. It’s a Colossal Butt Hazard. If you want something similarly sized and shaped, but 100% more safe, I highly recommend Tantus’s Meteorite, Slim, or Little Flirt. Or you could pay $60 for the best butt plug ever and never have to worry about your butt’s needs again.

Just stay the fuck away from the Something Forbidden. I do, indeed, forbid you to put it in your butt.

Thanks so much to PinkCherry for providing me with this toy!