Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Sqweel 2

Kate Sloan

I have been excited about the Sqweel for a long, long time. Ever since it won a Lovehoney design competition years ago and they began marketing it as the first real oral sex simulator, I knew I had to have it. Sex toy obsession, meet my cunnilingus obsession.

Of course, I doubted it would really feel like oral sex. Especially since my boyfriend is a fucking cunnilingus master. He has studied my body and my responses and has honed his technique to the point where receiving oral is practically a spiritual experience for me. He always gives me a lot of variety while he’s teasing me up the hill toward my orgasm, but then he also knows exactly what methodical rhythm and circular motion I need in order to come. He’s a vagina genius – a vagenius, if you will. So how could a toy possibly compare with that?

It doesn’t. No toy will ever be as good as being tended to by a skilled and caring lover. But the Sqweel 2 is still worth getting if you like oral.

You might recall seeing the original Sqweel around the blogosphere a few years back. It was a simple design – a matte black disc-shaped case which snapped open to reveal ten flapping tongues on a three-speed rotating wheel. The second incarnation of the Sqweel has the same premise and mechanism, but it’s been updated: it has a stronger motor (apparently), a glossier case, a reverse function, and a “flicker” mode. Nifty.

My first warning about using the Sqweel: have lube on hand. Lots of it. If you’re not prepared to use a lot of lube every time you use this toy, then don’t even bother. Who likes getting slapped by dry, draggy tongues? Not me. Not you, either, I’m guessing.

Second warning: this toy will never work for you if you like pressure. It slows down rather pathetically when any significant amount of pressure is applied. I think the Sqweel could be a potential solution for women who find themselves too dependent on pressure and vibration to get off, as it might be able to help them ease their way out of “female death grip syndrome” – but if you need pressure and have no desire to change that, the Sqweel will not be your cup of tea.

And a few more warnings before we get to the good stuff: the Sqweel is loud and thus not very discreet, it takes three AAA batteries, and it’s not waterproof, as much as I’d love it to be.

Because I had heard so many mixed reviews of the Sqweel, I assumed I’d dislike it. And at first, I did. I lubed up my clit, held the toy to it, and turned it on – and it felt sort of blah. Ten silicone tongues flapping against my sensitive bits? So what?

But when I gave it time to do its thing, it built me up slowly to an orgasm that ended up being big and intense and shuddering, similar to the orgasms I experience from actual oral sex.

I picked up a couple of the alternative silicone wheels sold for the Sqweel, called Sqweelers. They’re for those of us who don’t like the standard “tongues” insert, or just want some variety. One of them is called the Wave, and it has little tiny tongues in the middle and two thin flaps, one on each side. This one looks weird when it’s not in use, but when it’s lubed and spinning on my clit, it actually feels like someone’s sucking me. Do you realize how amazing that is?!

The other Sqweeler I bought is called the Pearl. It has nubs on either side and a series of larger nubs or bumps in the middle. In use, this one feels like longer, firmer licks, the kind someone gives you when they’re trying to make you beg. And on the higher speeds, it feels like fast firm licks – perfect for sending me over the edge.

I find the original tongues insert is great for teasing and build-up, and so is the Wave insert. I can get off with all three of them easily, but the Pearl brings the most satisfying orgasms because it seems to apply the most pressure to my clit. The other two inserts just give up and keep on flappin’ when my clit is most in need of pressure, but the Pearl feels perfect while I’m coming.

The Sqweel’s three speeds are generally sufficient. There are times when I wish there was a fourth speed, but keep in mind: this toy doesn’t vibrate, so it’s not going to numb you out. I find that this lack of numbness means I’ll always be able to come eventually, even if I have to hang out on the highest speed for quite a while. (And honestly, that’s the way my body works when I’m receiving real oral sex, too, so whatever.)

So does the Sqweel 2 serve as a suitable replacement for an orally gifted partner? Hell naw, nothing does. But it’s still a wonderfully unique toy that gets me off and feels fantastic. I find myself actively craving it pretty often these days, which I have to assume is a good sign.

Thanks so much to Sex Toys Canada for hooking me up with this great toy!

Review: Luscious Playthings glass vaginal egg

Kate Sloan

The Luscious Playthings glass vaginal egg comes in many different sizes, ranging from extra small to extra large. Normally this would be a good thing, but for a kegel product with no retrieval cord, I can only recommend the extra small size… and only to people who are comfortable putting at least half their hand into their vagina.

I was sent the small size, which isn’t that small: 1 ½” in diameter, the same width as some of the bigger dildos my vagina can handle.

It’s a beautiful product: totally smooth all over, softly pointed ends, high-quality glass. As an object of beauty or a paperweight, it’s flawless. However, as a vaginal product, I can’t recommend it.

I inserted it with only a minimal amount of lube. (Don’t do this. Trust me.) I stood up and bounced around, checking how well it stayed in. It didn’t move or shift at all, which should have been a warning sign; the mechanism by which vaginal eggs exercise the PC muscle is by feeling like they’re almost slipping out, thereby forcing you to clench your muscles to keep the egg inside. There was none of that feeling with this egg, because it’s too big and I’m too tight, evidently, even when totally relaxed.

After noting that the egg’s shape and dimensions fit my vagina so well that I couldn’t even feel the damn thing inside me (disappointing), I tried to push it out with my vaginal muscles.

Nothing happened. I reached inside and tried to pull or push it out of me, and again, nothing happened. This is when I started to panic.

My boyfriend was there at the time, luckily. I laid on my back with my legs pulled up and instructed him to lube up two fingers and try to extract the egg. He did, and we spent a good fifteen minutes like that, him fishing around in my vag and me trying to bear down with my muscles. Let me tell you, it was not comfortable. (Irrelevant sidebar: my boyfriend was hard the whole time. Not because he found my pain arousing, but because he gets hard easily and he was touching my vagina. If I hadn’t been in so much discomfort, I would have laughed.)

We even tried inserting the Magic Banana as a sort of makeshift vaginal lasso, but by then, the egg had gone up fairly deep into me and I didn’t want to push it in any further by accident.

Then I remembered that there is a position in which the contents of my vagina (e.g. a menstrual cup) tend to slip out, even when I don’t want them to. I know this because it’s the position I usually sleep in, but can’t when I’m on my period, lest my cup fall out and ruin my bedding.

The position involves lying on my stomach, with one leg (usually the right one, though it probably doesn’t matter) pulled up and bent. Imagine a flamingo or a person hopping on one foot, except lying down on their front. That’s basically what it looks like.

I laid in that position and pushed out rhythmically with my muscles while my boyfriend looked on. After a few minutes of that, I finally gave birth to the egg. And then immediately vowed never to try it again.

The product itself isn’t a bad one. Having no retrieval cord isn’t a big deal if the toy is shaped and sized in such a way that it can come out easily with a little pushing. But if the “small” size was big enough to get lodged in my vag, I have to wonder who would possibly want to use the medium, large, and extra large sizes. True, they’ll stay in all day if you want ‘em to, but a) that defeats the purpose of a kegel product and b) you might need an excavation team to get them out of you.

Thanks so much to Luscious Playthings for letting me try out this product!

Review: Icicles No. 24

Kate Sloan

Pipedream’s Icicles collection is notorious for ripping off other people’s designs. However, I’ve never seen anything like the Icicles No. 24 anywhere else. It’s a pink tentacle. A gnarled tongue. A glass octopus cock. My curiosity was piqued the moment I saw it.

Conscious Contraceptives was nice enough to send me one, and when I took it out of the box, I just fondled it for a while. It’s kind of scary; the bottom side bears two long rows of pointy-ish bumps, and the top side has some tree branch-like lines carved into it. It’s one of those toys that could either be amazingly pleasurable or unprecedentedly painful. My vag was nervous.

But actually, this is a pretty awesome dildo. Sure, you need to use a boatload of lube on it, or your delicate internal tissues could snag uncomfortably on the ultra-mega texture all over this toy. But once lubrication is taken care of, the Icicles No. 24 provides some very unique and very intense sensations.

I prefer to use the dildo with the handle facing up toward my clit. This puts the bumps on the bottom side of my vag, where I can’t feel them as intensely – and this is a good thing, because even when I face them upward, they hit the perimeter of my G-spot without actually rubbing the spot itself. The feeling of those bumps took some getting used to, especially since that part of my vagina rarely gets much attention at all, but a few well-lubed practice sessions taught me to enjoy all that texture.

The top side of the toy is less texture-heavy, boasting an interconnected web of ridges that can definitely be felt but are never uncomfortable the way the bumps can be. The shape of the toy puts those ridges riiiight on my G-spot, while the tip curves downward into my posterior fornix. There’s not as much sexual sensitivity there as there is in my anterior fornix, but it still feels nice.

The curved handle is easy to hold onto, though I usually just grip it in my fist instead of bothering with the fingerhole. If the handle is intended to stimulate my clit, it’s a fail; I have to push the toy in uncomfortably far for that to happen. Besides which, it’s bumpy glass, which isn’t my clit’s favorite thing in the first place.

Overall, I’m fairly shocked by how much I like the Icicles No. 24. It’s not going to be my new go-to dildo or anything, but it surpassed my expectations. It might surpass yours too, if you like glass, texture, and tentacles, and you’ve got lube to spare.

Thanks so much to Conscious Contraceptives for sending me this toy! Check out their mission statement – a portion of their profit from every purchase is donated toward helping underprivileged communities get the contraceptives they need. Shop for sex toys and help the world!

Review: Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit

Kate Sloan

My boyfriend is a lucky guy. I buy him Tenga Eggs practically every time I’m in vicinity of a sex shop (which, as you might imagine, is often), and this past month I asked him if he’d be interested in reviewing a Fleshlight with me. Naturally, he said yes.

After poring over all the options, he settled on the Stamina Training Unit, or STU. It’s marketed as an aid for guys who want to last longer, but it only “helps” with this problem because it’s so stimulating that lasting five minutes with this Fleshlight is supposed to be like lasting ten minutes in a real vagina. My boyfriend just wanted it because the texture looked awesome, though.

Like I said, he has tried a few Tenga Eggs, including the Clicker, the Wavy, and one of the limited edition models. He reported to me that the Fleshlight actually feels very similar to the Eggs – soft, squishy, textured – but that the Fleshlight is better overall.

Why is it better? Well, one obvious reason is that it’ll last longer. If you take care of a Fleshlight properly, it could conceivably last for hundreds of uses, unlike a Tenga Egg which tend to start to fall apart after 5-10 uses, even with diligent cleaning.

The Fleshlight is also significantly quieter than an Egg. The Tenga products we’ve tried have always produced loud squelching noises that could definitely be heard by a bedmate or roommate. The Fleshlight does make sounds in use, but they’re quiet and subtle. You might even be able to get away with using it while someone sleeps in the same room as you, if you can control your moans.

For my boyfriend, the biggest factor giving it a leg up over Tenga Eggs is the cushiony “vulva” which he can press into his pubic mound. He likes pressure at the base of his penis, not only because it feels like “the real thing” but also because it just feels good, so he appreciates that he can apply that kind of pressure to his heart’s content with the Fleshlight.

There’s also a suction function, controlled by the screw-off cap on the end of the toy, which he doesn’t really dig, though he says that plenty of guys would like it.

He likes that the Fleshlight allows for “a level of disconnect” that the Eggs don’t. Using the Fleshlight almost feels like he’s not jerking off, like someone else is in charge of the motion – perhaps because he doesn’t have direct control over the tightness of the Fleshlight’s grip, unlike he does with the Eggs.

I asked him what he thought of the visual of his penis going in and out of a rather realistic-looking vulva. He said he’d prefer if it was just a plain slit, because as is, it “feels a little objectifying.” I asked him if he thought my realistic dildos were “objectifying” and he wasn’t sure what to say to that. (My boyfriend is such a feminist. It’s nice.)

As for the actual texture of the sleeve, it’s very intense. He’s uncut and very sensitive, so I was worried that this texture might overwhelm him, but he really likes it – as long as it’s thoroughly lubed. I gave him a bottle of a thin Sliquid lube to use with it (the Fleshlight’s material can only handle water-based lubricants), and he says he likes it but it dries out too quickly. Something thicker and more gel-like would probably be a better choice.

The main downside to owning a Fleshlight is that cleaning it is a big fuckin’ deal. You have to clean it after every single use, as soon as possible (i.e. ideally within an hour), or it risks becoming gummy, tacky, or even mouldy. You can’t use soap, only water and maybe some isopropyl alcohol if necessary. You can’t turn it inside out, or it’ll tear. And once it’s clean, you have to set it out to dry, and you can’t put it back into the case until it’s completely dry or it’ll get mouldy. Does this sound like a process you want to go through when you’ve just had an orgasm? Not so much.

Another “con” of this product is that it’s not discreet in the least. For a company that has built an entire line of toys on the idea of “looking like a flashlight,” the STU really doesn’t. It’s way too big and bulky to be a flashlight, plus it’s gold, plus it has the word “Fleshlight” emblazoned on the side of it. Yeah, real subtle. Needless to say, my boyfriend would prefer if the case was plainer and looked less like a prop from a Las Vegas burlesque show.

I asked him for an overall rating out of 5, and he said 3.75. At $70, the Fleshlight STU would be worth the money if he was single, he says, but as a guy in a happy sexual relationship, he just doesn’t use it often enough to make it worth that price tag. It feels great, but the impending cumbersome cleanup makes him reluctant to use it as often as he’d like to. Still, he likes it more than I was expecting him to.

Thanks so much to Sex Toys Canada for sending us this toy to try out!

Lube Week, Day 4: Sliquid Organics Natural

Kate Sloan

The final product in my week o’ lubes: Sliquid Organics Natural, sent to me by Conscious Contraceptives!

This lube is from Sliquid’s line of 100% organic products. Great news if you’re passionate about keeping grossness out of your body! The line includes arousal gel, a thick gel lubricant, a water/silicone hybrid lube, and a warming lube. But today we’ll be looking at the basic model, which is simply called Natural.

It has a thin, runny, liquidy consistency, pretty much the opposite of a gel. This means that it’s probably better suited for vaginal play than anal.

Without any extra moisture, it dries within about three minutes. It can be reactivated with a little spit or water, which gives it another thirty seconds or so. Because of the short lasting time of this lube, I’d again recommend only using it for vaginal purposes; if you apply it at the start of a session and jump right into the action, the lube will probably wear off just in time for your natural fluids to kick in.

I haven’t really found much use for this lube because of how thin and short-lasting it is. If it’s important to you that you only use organic products, then Sliquid Organics Natural is certainly one of the best choices, but I’d encourage you to also check out the gel version because it’ll stick around for longer and be useful for more situations.

Thanks so much to Conscious Contraceptives for sending me this product and most of the others that I’ve reviewed this week! Make sure you read up on their mission so you know what they’re all about (trust me, it’s good!).