Sex Toy Reviews

I’ve Succumbed to the Hitachi Cult

Kate Sloan

This isn’t a review. Zillions of people have reviewed the Hitachi Magic Wand. I’m sure you don’t even care anymore. You know it’s strong, you know it’s ugly, you know that most people who try it love it, and you know there’s a vocal minority who can’t stand the damn thing. So this isn’t a review, exactly, but… I wanted to write about my Hitachi.

I bought it because I had a bunch of sex shop gift cards saved up. First on my list was the Hitachi – not because I thought I’d love it (in fact, I thought I’d hate it), but because, as a sex toy aficionado, I pretty much need one. I need to know what people mean, exactly, when they say that something is “Hitachi-strong,” and I need to be able to make that comparison myself, when it’s relevant. So I threw a Hitachi in my cart (along with some other weird shit like the Boosty and the absurd Love Bone) and paid for my swag, hoping for the best.

When the package arrived, I immediately took the Hitachi out of its hilariously G-rated box and plugged it in. I held it to my pubic mound, practically trembling in anticipation of its purported Epic Power, and turned it on.

It was buzzy and high-pitched. It sounded like a food processor. When I held it to my clit, I went numb within a minute or two. I was not impressed. With practically no sensation left in my junk, I grabbed my Eroscillator and it finished the job for me a few minutes later. Then I laid back, exhausted, and glowered loathsomely at the buzzy behemoth on my bedside table.

Subsequent attempts went similarly. I’d press the toy’s giant head into my vulva, turn it on, and lose sensation within seconds. Frankly, it sucked. I wrote an angry review and tossed the Hitachi in the bottom drawer of my storage unit so as not to be reminded of its colossal failure.

…But something in me wanted to give it another shot. So, on a particularly horny night, when my Wahl and Eroscillator were both unexplainably not quite doing the trick, I pulled out the reproachable Hitachi again.

While using the Mustang to give my G-spot adequate attention, I turned on the Hitachi and decided to try out a different technique. This time, I spread my legs wide so my outer labia opened up somewhat and my clit poked out even more than usual. I placed the Hitachi’s head very lightly on my vulva, so that it laid just on my clit and nowhere else. And guess what? It actually felt really, really good. A few minutes later, I had a super intense orgasm that left me shuddering and writhing. I fell asleep still clutching the vibrator in my arms.

Of course, by the end of that session, my clit felt a bit like a dead circuit. But the more that I get off with my Hitachi, the less I notice this desensitization. It’s almost like it’s made me more sensitive. These vibrations, which used to feel so buzzy and surface-level to me, now feel deep and penetrating and immensely pleasurable. What gives?!

I don’t think I’ll really recommend the Hitachi to many people, partially because I’m still mystified about why I like it. It’s too broad, it’s super buzzy, it’s heavy and bulky, it’s made of questionable materials. But if you want a classic vibrator that’ll get the job done, and you’re not picky about aesthetics, and you don’t care about rumbliness… dude, you probably need one of these.

Review: We-Vibe Tango

Kate Sloan

I didn’t think much of We-Vibe’s line of clitoral vibrators when I first saw them. They’re the size of regular bullet vibes, which are so dime-a-dozen and unremarkable that many sex toy companies even give them away for free with pricier purchases. It was this video by Dodson and Ross that changed my mind – they claimed that their We-Vibe Tango rivaled the Hitachi in power. And it’s rechargeable. And waterproof. So I decided I needed one.

As for those claims about the Tango’s vibration strength – they are not inflated. At least, not by much. I did my research, and the Hitachi’s lower speed – considered too high by many – is 5000 RPM (rotations per minute), whereas the Tango’s highest speed is 4800. RPM refers to rumbliness (lower is rumblier, higher is buzzier), not actual motor strength, but keep in mind that rumbly vibes often feel stronger than buzzy ones, even when they’re not, because the rumbles penetrate deeper into the clitoral network. The Tango has oomph that only a devotee of the Hitachi or Wahl would scoff at (and even those folks should consider a Tango for when they go traveling and don’t want to lug a big electric massager with them). This sucker is really fucking strong and impressively low-pitched, so I feel it deep inside my vulva, not just on the surface of my clit.

My Tango is a pretty shade of powder blue. We-Vibe takes risks with their colour schemes, stocking “traditional” sex toy hues like pink along with less traditional ones like teal, red, and white. The word “Tango” is subtly embossed at the bottom of the toy. Though this vibe is made of hard plastic, not usually my favorite material for sex toys, it feels very well-made and high-quality.

The Tango and the other We-Vibe clit toys, Salsa and Touch, all have the same motor but each offer different options in terms of shape. When choosing which one you want, it’s a good idea to look at your current favorite clit toys and figure out which you prefer: a traditional rocket-like bullet shape (Salsa), a flat lipstick-like tip (Tango), or a pointed tip and/or scoop shape (Touch). I decided to go for the Tango because my clit really digs the flat tip of my Lelo Mia but has found the Mia too weak sometimes. The Tango solves that problem easily and is exactly what I wanted.

In addition to four steady speeds that range in power from “kinda strong” to “practically Hitachi strong,” the Tango has four vibration patterns. Two of them, the rhythmic “cha-cha” and annoying pulse, do little to nothing for me. But the other two are pretty cool. The “wave” pattern goes up and down gradually and smoothly in a roller coaster-like way, making me feel like I’m almost going to come and then backing off again like a devilish lover. The “tease” pattern is made up of several long pulses followed by a series of shorter ones, and I find it maddening in the best possible way.

As I mentioned, the Tango is waterproof (it charges magnetically, so you don’t have to worry about any water getting into a charging port), and wonderfully, water doesn’t weaken its vibrations. Sadly, pressure does. I find that, as with my Eroscillator, I get the best mileage out of Tango’s power if I hold it lightly on my clit. Pressure-lovers will find this to be a dealbreaker but I think it feels just as good.

Remember when I said the Tango is far superior to the Lelo Mia? It is, except for one thing: Mia can be locked for travel. I would love to be able to keep the Tango in my bag at all times in case of a sudden arousal emergency, but I’d be too paranoid that it would turn on accidentally, especially since turning it on is as easy as pressing its button once.

Speaking of the button… Whyyyy is there only one?! I realize they’ve done that to preserve space and make the toy as uncluttered as possible, but it’s obnoxious sometimes. I don’t always want to have to cycle through all the patterns to get back to my preferred steady speed.

One final issue: my Tango has a small white bump on its tip. I know this isn’t a fluke because I’ve seen a few other reviews mention the same defect. I use the flat part of the Tango on my clit, not the pointed tip, so I have yet to hurt myself on the bump, but this is something We-Vibe should work to improve in future batches.

Do you hate most small clit vibes because they’re not strong enough? Do you wish there was a decently powerful alternative to those stupid watch-battery bullet vibes that you can stick in the base of your strap-on dildos? Do you want a toy that will get you off in the bath or on vacation? Do you need your vibrators to be quiet and discreet? If you answered yes to any of those questions, get the Tango or its sister, the Salsa. Your clit deserves some rumbly lovin’.

Review: Fun Factory Boosty

Kate Sloan

When I showed my boyfriend a photo of Fun Factory’s latest butt plug, the Boosty, he audibly shuddered. “That looks so uncomfortable!” he said. Meanwhile, I was plotting ways to get my hands on one ASAP.

Now that I’ve got one, I’m not disappointed. It might be the cutest-looking toy in my collection. It looks like ice cream, or an abstract snowman for your butt, or something. It’s a lovely shade of teal, and you can also get it in black, but why would you?

The Boosty is made of 100% silicone. It’s pretty squishy and forgiving. This, coupled with its barely-tapered tip, sometimes makes it tricky to insert. I’ve found it helpful to lube up the inside of my ass as well as the plug itself (water-based only, please!), to warm up with a smaller tapered plug first, and to go slow. Of course, that’s good advice for any plug, but the Boosty’s shape makes it more challenging to insert so it’s wise to know what you’re doing. For this reason, I wouldn’t recommend this toy to anal beginners.

It’s a great size for an intermediate plug. It measures 1 ½" in diameter at its widest point, which normally is my upper limit for anal toys, but this doesn’t feel like a stretch because the plug’s size increases gradually. If I can get the smallest bulb (about 1 ¼") to slip inside, I know that the rest will follow, because it’s a well-designed and anatomically conscious toy.

As with any slanted or curved plug, some people will prefer to wear it facing forward and some will like it better backward. The rectum naturally curves toward the back of the body, so that feels more natural and comfortable for long-term wear, but I find I don’t get any G-spot stimulation unless the plug is facing forward.

This is a plug I can happily wear for hours at a time, if I take care to re-lube every half hour. Its shape and size feel perfectly filling in my ass, and its slender but sturdy base nestles neatly between my cheeks. I don’t experience any pain or discomfort while sitting with the Boosty in, unless I shift positions abruptly and quickly. And I never, ever feel like it’s slipping out, probably because the body of the plug is so much bigger than the neck.

It’s not a flawless toy, though. There’s a seam that runs all the way around it, marring its beauty and smooth texture. I’m not particularly seam-sensitive and can’t feel this one during use, but it bugs me that a toy company would subject customers’ sensitive tissues to sharp seams. Surely there’s a better way?

The other problem with the Boosty is that it retains ass smell more than any other toy I own. I don’t know why this is, since most of my anal toys are made of pure silicone which should theoretically have all the same properties. A good scrub with hot water and soap after use doesn’t get the smell out; boiling it helps a bit, but not much. This isn’t a big deal, since I don’t spend a lot of time sniffing my sex toys, but it’s still an issue I wish this toy didn’t have.

For people who already know that they like butt plugs and can handle one of this size, the Boosty is a fantastic option. It’s whimsical, satisfying, and comfortable. This is right up there with my butt’s other love, the Pure Plug. I’m looking forward to trying out more Fun Factory anal toys in the future!

Review: Happy Valley Fuze Harmony

Kate Sloan

The Harmony, sent to me by the lovely folks at SheVibe, is from Happy Valley’s new-ish Fuze line. You may remember that I gave away some Fuze butt plugs a few months ago; well, this is my first time trying a toy from this range, and I… well, I feel pretty ambivalent about it.

The Fuze toys all come in black 100% silicone. It’s a very dark, glossy, sexy black, but it shows every single piece of lint it collects (many). The silicone is firmer than Tantus’ blend but squishier than Lelo’s blend. It’s this firmness that led to me having a hellish experience with another Happy Valley product, the Joe Rock butt plug – but vaginally, it works better. I’ve learned that my G-spot responds more favorably to harder toys.

Speaking of my G-spot… The Harmony is supposed to target it, and sadly, it doesn’t really. The shaft’s curve is so minimal that it brushes right past my G-spot without taking the time to stimulate it. The very slight ripples on the top side of the dildo feel nice going in and out of my vag, but this is certainly no Acute or Tsunami – it does little or nothing to my G-spot.

Both the Harmony and its thicker counterpart the Wilde have a unique feature I’ve never seen anywhere else: a harness-friendly base that has ridges on the bottom. It’s meant to stimulate the clit of the person wearing the dildo in their harness, and I applaud Happy Valley for being innovative and taking risks in this arena. Do the ridges do anything for me when I rub them on my vulva? Not really. Not much more than a regular flat base does, even with lube. But I’m not an experienced harness user at all. I know plenty of people who would probably appreciate this feature a lot. (And it helps that there’s a hole for a bullet vibe at the base.)

With an insertable length of about 5 ½” and a girth of 1 ¼”, the Harmony is a good size for a warm-up dildo. And that’s primarily what I use it for: warm-up. It satisfies my vag easily for the first few minutes of jerking off, while my G-spot is starting up and I’m easing into penetration – but as soon as I start to get really aroused, I need something better. Try as I might, I can’t have blended orgasms with the Harmony, because what it does to my vagina is more like “passing through” than “rubbing and stroking.” It makes me wonder if I might prefer the Wilde after all, even though it’s larger than the toys I usually use, because the girth would please my love-starved G-spot better. Who knows?

I can recommend the Harmony to someone who wants a smallish dildo, ideally for harness use. I have a feeling I’d like it a lot more if it were strapped onto someone I love, but on its own, it just doesn’t satisfy.

Thanks very much, SheVibe!

Review: Wahl 2-Speed

Kate Sloan

The Wahl 2-Speed All-Body Massager is meant for sore muscles, not genitalia. But then again, so is one of the most famous vibrators of all time, the Hitachi Magic Wand. So even though the Wahl’s instruction pamphlet says specifically to avoid using the massager on your junk, I went ahead and did it anyway, because plenty of other reviewers told me it would be awesome.

It is awesome. The AC-powered Wahl is easily the strongest vibrator I’ve ever used – which makes sense, given that it’s designed to penetrate deeply into muscles.

In fact, I’m such a sensitive gal that I initially didn’t enjoy my Wahl all that much. I’d hold it on my clit on the low setting for a few seconds and then I’d get that tickly, too-sensitive feeling and have to remove it. For me, the solution was as simple as positioning the vibe a little higher up on my clitoral hood, closer to the vulval mound. Et voilà! Pleasure.

As its name suggests, the Wahl 2-Speed has… two speeds. The lower one is somewhat buzzy, and is comparable with the high settings on most standard vibrators. It’s a nice speed, but I find my clit wants more when I get close to coming. So I click up to the high speed, which is kind of insane. Every Wahl review I’ve read has made some comparison to a jackhammer or other power tool, and that’s apt. It’s extremely rumbly and very intense. It literally feels like someone very tiny is punching my clit repeatedly. I know that sounds unpleasant – and it would be, if I jumped right into it – but when I’m aroused enough, it’s exactly what I need.

My Wahl is an older one, so it came with seven different attachments, each with a different body part it’s supposed to service. The newer Wahls only come with four of the seven, but luckily, this includes the two most useful ones for sexytimes usage – the “spot application” attachment, which is perfect for clits and nipples, and the “facial massage” attachment, which can be used like a suction cup to make your favorite dildo vibrate. (Yes, I have tried this, and the vibrations are so strong that I actually enjoy it, despite the fact that I don’t generally like internal vibration. Yay!)

The obvious upside of the Wahl is that it will get you off. Much like the Hitachi, some people might have to use it through towels or underwear or what have you, but it will eventually give you an orgasm. But what about the downsides? Well, it’s kinda heavy. And it’s kinda bulky. It doesn’t fit so well between bodies for use during sex. It may be a bit numbing for some, especially on the buzzier lower setting. And my orgasms with the Wahl, while being very strong and reliable, are sometimes almost painful because the high speed is so aggressive.

This isn’t a vibe for folks who can get off easily from little stimulation. This is a vibe for those of us who enjoy serious power (indeed, clit-punching power) and aren’t afraid to put our genitals near a massager that resembles a gun or a hairdryer.

If that sounds like you, get the Wahl. It’s more focused than the Hitachi and some say it’s even stronger, so other than temporary clitoral sensitivity, what have you got to lose?