Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Fun Factory G4 Patchy Paul

Kate Sloan

Vibrators don’t really excite me that much anymore. I’ve tried so many, and sometimes it feels like they’re all the same. Y’know?

But the Patchy Paul definitely excited me. After it spent months languishing in my wishlist, I finally decided to snap it up… and it delivered.

Fun Factory, particularly their line of G4 vibrators, is known for reeeeally intense and rumbly vibrations. This is not your mama’s vibrator (well, maybe it should be, because she would probably like it too!). This is a badass creation filled with pleasure potential.

Sometimes people ask me, “What can I get that has the power of a Hitachi without the dependence on an electrical outlet?” That’s a very tall order, and I’m not convinced that anything really fits the bill, but probably the closest is either a large Smart Wand or a G4 vibe. If your favorite masturbation accoutrements are slightly reminiscent of a jackhammer, you’ll love the motor in any G4 toy.

But why specifically the Patchy Paul? I chose it because I like texture, but not an insane amount of texture, and I also appreciate some G-spot lovin’. The Paul looks like a caterpillar, with a body that strokes your vaginal walls and a head that nuzzles your G-spot. It even has a little face – perfect for all you caterpillar fetishists out there. (Kidding. Those people aren’t reading this; they’re off looking at a nature blog somewhere. Duh.)

The Patchy Paul is rechargeable, 100% waterproof, and made of body-safe plastic and silicone. The only thing I don’t dig about it is that the vibrations are focused toward the middle of the shaft, not the tip of the toy where they ought to be… but they’re so strong that it doesn’t really affect my experience. I can use this toy vaginally or clitorally and either way, it rocks my ladyparts’ world.

The Patchy Paul has now officially become my favorite G-spot vibrator, right up there with the Lelo Mona. If you can get past its creepy caterpillar face, the two of you might end up being very happy together.

Review: California Exotics Ultra Douche

Kate Sloan

Can we just take a moment to collectively appreciate how hilarious it is that this product is called the “Ultra Douche”? That’s a name I might hurl at somebody like Todd Akin, but I’d never think to use such a phrase for a sex toy.

I think they should have gone with the word “enema.” Not only is it more accurate (last I checked, douches are for your vagina, not your ass), but it has less cultural baggage. Although I will admit that I think it would be pretty funny to start using “enema” as an insult.

Anyway. This is my first enema product, and so I wasn’t sure what to expect. This one is a basic bulb syringe model, consisting of three parts: the bulb, which holds a respectable amount of water; the nozzle, a long, smooth, red thing with a slight curve; and a skirt-like bit that acts as a “flared base” for the nozzle. The construction is pretty solid and the toy doesn’t fall apart when I use it, which is always a plus.

So, first, the good stuff: this is, I think, a great choice for someone who (like me) is curious about enemas and just wants a basic, inexpensive bulb syringe that will get the job done. This thing isn’t fancy at all, but I was able to figure out how to use it in under a minute, which I wasn’t expecting to be able to do.

The bulb is pretty sensitive to pressure, so I have to be careful about the way I hold it while I’m maneuvering the nozzle into my ass – but when the time is right, it’s easy to push out all the water with a firm squeeze. The nozzle is about an inch in diameter, so people with utterly virginal asses should partake in some warm-up beforehand and drizzle on the lube, but my ass is somewhat experienced so I didn’t need either.

The shitty (har har) thing about this enema is that it’s made of phthalate-free PVC and polypropylene. (I had to look that one up. I’d never even heard of it before.) I don’t know whether polypropylene is porous, and the internet has been no help, but PVC definitely is. Either way, the whole toy smells mildly of gross plasticky materials, which makes me think that it’s not optimum for inserting into one’s body.

Surely there are nonporous enema options on the market, but they’re probably pretty pricey. An enema isn’t like a dildo; you’re not going to be using this thing on a daily or weekly basis. For that reason, maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world if you choose to go with a cheap PVC bulb syringe. I dunno, man.

Either way, I’m pleased with this Ultra Douche because it does exactly what I ask of it. I guess it’s not that douchey after all.

Merci comme toujours, Sex Toys Canada!

Review: Jimmyjane Form 2

Kate Sloan

Before I was a sex toy reviewer, I lusted passionately after everything Jimmyjane. I was especially curious about the Form 2, and my desire was inflamed even more when I saw that Gala Darling called the Form 2 “the best, best, best sex toy [she has] ever encountered.”

The Form 2 is a waterproof, rechargeable clitoral vibrator shaped like a pair of bunny ears or an extracted tooth. It comes in your choice of hot pink or “slate,” a dark grey color. It charges magnetically via a little dock that you can sit it on when it’s not in use. It’s covered in high-quality silicone and the bottom is stainless steel. In other words: ka-ching! This toy is luxe as hell. If it is your dream to feel like Donald Trump every time you masturbate, then you’ve arrived.

The magic of the Form 2 is in its dual motors. See, each ear has its own motor, so when you lay the toy vertically on your clit, each side gets its own dose of stimulation. I found this difficult to adjust to; normally I get off by having the top of my clit stimulated, through the hood, so stimulation of the sides felt a bit foreign. I remedied this by nestling my clit so the hood touches the valley in between the ears, which feels awesome and gets me off every single time.

But back to those dual motors… The Form 2 has some run-of-the-mill patterns, including constant vibration and short pulsations, but the winner, by a mile, is the oscillation mode. In this mode, the vibrations shift back and forth rhythmically between the two ears, and – as others have noted – it feels kind of like oral sex. Actually, I think it feels closer to oral than toys which try to feel like oral. Ever since I discovered this mode, I haven’t used the others at all, because it’s perfect.

The vibrations of the Form 2 are surprisingly strong and rumbly for how small it is. In fact, sometimes the lowest speed feels like too much when I first start using it – but then I just warm myself up by running the ears lightly over my labia and vaginal opening, and it all works out in the end.

It would be unethical of me to write a review of the Form 2 without mentioning what Epiphora calls its “fatal flaw”. Look around at almost any review of this toy and you’ll see mention of it: apparently sometimes the toy becomes very loud and the vibrations shift into the base, making it unusable. I’ve used my Form 2 many times and I’ve never encountered this glitch, but lots of people have reported it, so I feel it’s important to mention. This toy is expensive as hell and there’s no guarantee that it won’t act up (though it does come with a nice three-year warranty).

The Form 2 has become, easily, one of my very favorite clitoral vibes. It’s stronger and more pinpointed than the Lelo Siri and has better modes than the We-Vibe Tango – but it’s also more expensive and potentially less reliable than either of those toys, so take that into consideration.

Strong Penis Vibrator Man!

Kate Sloan

I wasn’t planning on blogging today, but then I saw this gem and felt I needed to tell you about it.

This is the perfect toy for those moments when you feel like making love to a set of parasitic twins. A cock inside you, and a tiny man’s face on your clit. What’s not to love?!

Best of all, it’s only $20, so you can explore your gnomilingus (that’s gnome + cunnilingus) fantasies without breaking the bank!

Snap dat shit up, ladies!

Note: Totally not serious. At all.

Review: VerSpanken

Kate Sloan

I love that more and more companies are launching innovations in the world of male masturbators. Vibrators and dildos for women are always moving forward in their technology and design, but it seems like male toys have been at a stand-still for quite a while.

And then… along came the VerSpanken.

My local sex shop said they needed someone to test and review a new toy for penises. As I have a willing boyfriend and some experience reviewing toys, I volunteered myself (and my man’s cock) for the job – and I was gleeful when they said yes.

It’s a weird-looking toy. It initially reminded me of an alien’s vagina or a pair of skinny water balloons.

Basically, it consists of two bright blue tubular inserts squished inside a plastic casing that can open and close. You snap it open, stick your dick in it, pour lube all over everything, snap it shut, and thrust to your heart’s content. It’s supposed to mimic the sensation of a blowjob.

I didn’t think this toy could pry my boyfriend away from his Fleshlight, and I was right. The VerSpanken is too thin, he says: it doesn’t cover the length of his dick, only a small section at a time, which isn’t enough pressure or stimulation to get him off. He tried this toy a few times, both with my help and on his own, and it was never able to bring him to orgasm.

On the other hand, there are ways in which the VerSpanken is way more convenient than a Fleshlight. For example, it’s much easier to clean: the whole thing is soap-safe and open-ended, so you can wash it with soap and water without even taking the components apart and nothing horrible will happen (like mould). You can also use any kind of lube with it – you’re not limited to water-based like you are with a Fleshlight. It’s significantly cheaper than a Fleshlight, at only $39. And it’s practically silent – none of those weird wheezing or squishing noises that our other male masturbation toys have produced.

It’s also worth noting that the VerSpanken is quite tight. One of its selling points is that you can supposedly adjust the pressure – which is slightly true; you can squeeze it if you want it to be tighter – but it’s already tight on its own, at least for my boyfriend’s average-sized penis. This will make it a success with guys who like a lot of concentrated pressure on their dick.

Another cool feature of the VerSpanken is that you can swap out the original inserts for “WaterWieners,” water-filled inserts which can be microwaved or refrigerated for temperature play. We tried these out and they hold temperature very nicely.

Overall, my boyfriend wasn’t thrilled with the VerSpanken – not because it’s a bad toy, but because it just didn’t work for him. His dick isn’t a fan of intense pressure or stimulation that’s limited to only one area at a time – but if you like that kind of thing, or your man does, this might be just what you’re looking for.