Blogging & Writing

Sex Writing 101: How to Write a Helpful, Engaging Review

Kate Sloan

They say that you become an expert at something when you’ve spent 10,000 hours doing it. I doubt I’ve spent that many hours reading and writing sex toy reviews, and I’m definitely not an expert. But I do think my two and a half years of experience have taught me some things about what does and does not work in a sex toy review.

I purposely left the title of this post vague because I think most of these rules can apply to reviews of other things, too, besides sex toys. I sometimes review porn, clothing, and even lipstick, and these tips translate well to most kinds of reviews. I hope you find them helpful!

Talk about your experience.

It’s amazing how many reviewers forget to do this, or don’t do it adequately. I can read a toy’s specs and features on just about any site that sells it; if I’m reading your blog, it’s because I want to know what you think of the product, not what its sales copy says.

Try to answer these questions: how did the toy feel for you? Did it work for your body? Did you encounter any issues when you used it? What did the sensation remind you of? Did you find any alternate/unusual techniques or uses for the product?

Usefully compare the product to others.

Granted, not everyone reading your blog will have a lot of toys as a frame of reference for your comparisons, but some will.

Comparisons are also useful as a way of recommending products that might work better for some people depending on their bodies and preferences. For example: in a review of the Lelo Gigi, I might write that someone seeking similar functionality but with more girth and power might prefer the Mona 2.

I specified that the comparisons should be useful and here’s what I mean: don’t compare the product you’re reviewing to a product that’s so obscure that almost no one has it, be very selective in making comparisons to outlier toys like the Hitachi Magic Wand, try not to make comparisons to toys that have been discontinued (this helps no one), and be specific in your comparisons. If you say that one toy reminds you of another, try to specify why.

Find interesting ways to describe sensations.

It can sometimes be helpful to describe a vibrator as “very strong” or a dildo as “very pleasurable” or whatever, but it’s better if you can come up with a more specific, creative and memorable way to describe what you feel.

Here are some examples which are totally cliché but work effectively as sensation descriptors: a vibrator like a jackhammer, a dildo that pounds your G-spot, a butt plug which gives a stretching sensation. If you can come up with more inventive descriptions, so much the better.

I often ask myself, “What does this feeling remind me of?” and find my descriptions that way. That’s how, for example, I decided to describe the Lelo Ida as feeling like a sharp rock in my vagina. I’ve never actually had a sharp rock in my vagina, but that’s what it felt like to me.

Proofread.

I tend to tune out and/or unsubscribe from blogs that have a lot of grammar mistakes, misspellings, and typos. I find it incredibly distracting, even if the writing is otherwise good.

Read your posts aloud before publishing, or show them to someone in your life who’s a good proofreader.

Structure your post for maximum readability and clarity.

The most basic way to increase readability is to use lots of paragraph breaks. Long paragraphs are sometimes necessary but they can feel tiring or confusing.

If your post has subheadings, sections, or any really important points you want to stress, consider bolding them. This helps break up the post, visually, and aids in overall comprehension for your reader.

I often structure my reviews in an “on the one hand/on the other hand” format, by which I mean, usually I’ll list all the pros and then all the cons, or vice versa. I try not to go back and forth too much between the product’s good qualities and its bad qualities; I think it makes more logical sense to list all of one and then all of the other.

Use the “inverse pyramid” structure.

Man, you would be surprised how many of the tips I learn at journalism school translate directly to my work writing sex toy reviews!

At J-school, we learn to structure our news pieces in an “inverse pyramid,” meaning that the most important or exciting information goes first and then the rest of the information is laid out from most to least important, all the way down.

If there’s a huge, glaring reason why I hate or love the product I’m reviewing, I usually start with that. That’s the “headline,” so to speak. The lesser details go farther down.

Introduce and conclude properly.

Remember when you had to write essays for school and they always had an introduction and a conclusion, both of which contained mini-summaries of the points to be made in the body of the essay? A similar structure can be helpful for reviews.

It’s good for comprehension and clarity if the reader knows what to expect before they get into the meat of the post (e.g. that you’re going to talk about size, shape, and texture, in that order) and if your conclusion is a little recap of your main points.

Disclose your relevant biases and quirks.

I have a small-ish vagina, I need clit stimulation to reach orgasm, I often find intense G-spot stimulation overwhelming rather than pleasurable, I loooove A-spot stimulation, and I need moderately strong vibration to get me off. These are all factors which affect how I feel about sex toys, and which may make my preferences different from those of some of my readers.

If I hate or love a sex toy for a reason that has a lot to do with my own unique preferences, I always try to be transparent about that. Someone else might love a toy I hate, or vice versa, if their body and preferences are significantly different from mine, and they should get some sense of that from my review.

What qualities matter to you in a review?

Journal Your Way to a Better Sex Life

Kate Sloan

You will probably never meet a more diehard journal-er than me. If I’m out in public and have nothing better to do, I’m usually bent over a hardcover ruled Moleskine, pouring my heart and soul out onto its creamy pages. I’ve been journaling sporadically since I was a kid, and that habit turned ritualistic when I started doing it near-daily at age 14. Ever since then, it’s been an absolute necessity for my emotional processing and mental health. I don’t function properly without a notebook and pen and a little time each day to make use of them.

It occurred to me recently that, although journaling isn’t strictly a sexual topic, it’s a process that has improved my sex life in many ways and so it’s worth blogging about. Here are some of my best suggestions for honing and upgrading your sex life using a journaling practice.

Do morning pages for clarity and productivity.

“Morning pages” are an invention of The Artist’s Way author Julia Cameron. Every morning, first thing upon waking, you write three longhand, stream-of-consciousness pages. You keep writing, even if the only thing that comes out is “I don’t know what to write,” until you’ve completed your three pages.

I don’t know why or how this works, so don’t ask me to explain, but… morning pages make me noticeably and astonishingly more clear-headed, productive, creative, and energetic. In those pages, I come to realizations about goals I want to achieve and experiences I want to have; I plan adventures and endeavors; I list fears and work through them; I stumble upon feelings I didn’t even know I felt. And then I go out into the world and take all that clarity and initiative with me, making bigger and better things happen in my life than would ever happen without the influence of morning pages.

To give you an example of what kind of changes this practice makes in my life: it was actually my morning pages that helped me realize I needed to end my relationship. One day my pages started with me rambling about a cute guy I had a crush on who was very much not my boyfriend, and by the end of the three pages, I had come to the stark realization that I had to break up with my partner because I just didn’t have the same passionate, desirous feelings for him that I had for some other people. I had been waffling for months about whether a break-up was really necessary, but those three pages showed me without a doubt that it was.

I think morning pages enable you to access parts of your psyche that you might inadvertently be hiding, even from yourself. That’s useful when it comes to sex because even the most open-minded among us will occasionally still bury a secret desire or fantasy if it seems too “out-there” or taboo. And on the flipside, your morning pages might help you come to a realization about a sexual activity or fantasy that isn’t serving you, that doesn’t feel good, and that you can eliminate from your life.

Brainstorm a hundred ideas.

I forget where I first heard this, but somewhere along the line, I learned a neat trick: if you’re stuck on a problem or question, try brainstorming 100 different answers or solutions.

Yes, one hundred. It seems like a lot, and it is. After the first ten or twenty, I always get to an uncomfortable juncture where it seems like I can’t possibly come up with any more. But then, inevitably, I do. And that’s when the real magic starts.

I usually use this technique for personal problems or career ventures, but there’s no reason it can’t be applied to sex, too. If your sex life needs a shake-up, try listing 100 totally new-to-you things you could try with your beau (or by yourself). Don’t censor or judge yourself; just let the ideas flow. You’re sure to stumble on at least a few gems, even if the vast majority of the list gets discarded in the end.

(If, like me, you have a sex-related biz or blog, you might also find this strategy useful for coming up with post ideas, product offerings, etc. The sky’s the limit!)

Look for patterns.

If you’re already a frequent diarist like me, I strongly encourage you to peruse your backlog of entries and look for any elements that keep popping up.

For example: I didn’t realize I had a thing for oral servitude until I started looking through journal entries about my fantasies and desires and noticed that theme coming up again and again. And even once I had realized it, it took me additional journaling to figure out why I was into it, and how I could better integrate that kink into my sex life.

Pattern-hunting can also be useful if you often find yourself getting triggered or overwhelmed during sex. You may not realize, in the moment, what causes you to disengage or panic, but if you write about every detail you can remember (which I realize can be hard, but may be worth it), you might be able to isolate some common elements that you can then avoid in future. Maybe you hate feeling trapped, maybe a specific scent or sound sets you off, or maybe certain dirty-talk words or phrases just don’t work for you. (As always, with any tricky mental health stuff: proceed with caution and consult a professional!)

Script difficult conversations.

Communication is mandatory in good sexual relationships, but it is hard sometimes. If you’re an anxious person like me, you might find it useful to write out a rough guide for what you’d like to say, to make sure you cover all the important points and phrase them in the best possible way.

Here are some examples of hard conversations and speeches I’ve pre-scripted in my journal before tackling them in real life: asking to be dominated in bed, asking to be kissed less aggressively, discussing the possibility of non-monogamy, asking to be rimmed, and breaking up.

Do you write in a journal? Does it help your sex life in any way?

P.S. That’s a real scan from my journal at the top of this post! You can click it if you want to view it larger, you nosy little minx.

How (and Where) Do You Blog?

Kate Sloan

Lately I’ve been fascinated with writers’ and bloggers’ daily work routines, workspaces, and anything and everything that helps them Get Stuff Done. (I’m reading The New New Journalism and it’s full of info like this, FYI! You might like it if you’re similarly geeky.)

I thought I’d make a survey that other bloggers can copy and paste into their blog and answer the questions themselves. Please do! I’d love to hear how and where you work. If you do the survey, how ‘bout hashtagging it on Twitter with #HowIBlog so we can find it more easily?

And now, without further ado…

Do you have a workspace? What does it look like?

See above. I recently got a proper desk for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE (?!); previously I had always worked from bed, coffee shops, or with my laptop sitting on the kitchen table or on my lap while I sat in any random spot of my choosing. Now I have an actual area in which to work, and the exhilaration is intense!

I keep a variety of pens, markers and highlighters in a Museum of Sex mug that says “Sex makes me thirsty” in cute script. I have a black woven basket full of journalism reference books and all the other books I’m supposed to read this semester. Right next to my computer, I keep a to-do list that’s categorized into sections (each class I’m taking is a section, and “blog/writing” is its own category). I also keep two index cards, one for blog post ideas and one for story ideas I plan on eventually pitching to magazines, websites, etc.

There are lots of extra notebooks and index cards in my desk drawers so I’ll always have paper to quickly grab if I need to make a note of an idea. There’s a small bulletin board over the desk that I’ve loaded up with images that inspire me and make me happy (e.g. pictures of my current crush, my friends, and myself when I looked my cutest). And because I’m ultra new-age-y, I’ve also got a small collection of crystals that are said to enhance writerly powers. (Incase you’re wondering, they are as follows: sodalite for inner peace and endurance, carnelian for energy and humor, tiger eye for confidence and creativity, chalcedony for dissipating negative energy, rhodochrosite for compassion and creativity, jade for love and wealth, kyanite for tranquility and intuition, black tourmaline for luck and happiness, and citrine for wealth and clarity. Phew!)

Where do you go to look for ideas? Where do your ideas come from?

I read the news and keep an eye on social media, where I follow lots of folks who work and write in the same field as me. I subscribe to a few Reddit subforums that deal heavily or exclusively with sex, so new ideas and concepts are often brought to my attention there. I read books, articles and websites about sex. I spend a lot of time thinking about sex, journaling about it, and talking to friends and family about it, all of which brings up new things I might not have otherwise thought of.

What’s the process you go through to turn an idea into a finished post?

When I first get an idea, and I think it’s a good one, I write it down on my little ongoing blog ideas index card if I don’t have time to work on it right away or if I feel I need to think about it and flesh it out more before I get started on it. Then I mull it over for a few days or weeks, and usually the idea becomes more fully formed the more that I think about it. Sometimes I have epiphanies in my sleep, or while doing something mundane like washing my body in the bath or walking to class, because the repetitive motion kicks my creative brain into gear.

Sometimes, if I like an idea but can’t seem to unify it in my head, I’ll run it by a friend and see what they have to say about it. Explaining an idea out loud can help make it more coherent, and my smart, sex-positive friends always have interesting suggestions and perspectives.

If, however, I feel like an idea is ready to be made into a post right away, and I have the time to do it, I get started immediately. (This post was one of those!)

How long does it take you to write a post once you’ve got the idea?

I’ve always been a pretty fast writer – it’s one of my saving graces at journalism school, actually, where time management looms large – so I can get a post done in 45 minutes to an hour, most times. After that, I edit it, have a look at the preview of how it’ll appear when it’s on my blog’s homepage, make sure everything is A-OK, and then hit publish (or queue).

Reviews can take me a bit longer because sometimes I’ll get halfway through a review and realize I’ve forgotten to test certain functions or uses of the toy, and need to do additional testing before finishing the post.

How do you prepare your work environment (and yourself) to create maximum productivity and focus?

If I have the time and it’s feasible for me, I like to have a massive caffeinated drink before and during my blog work. Caffeine really helps stimulate my creativity and it gets me very excited about whatever I’m working on. Sometimes I’ll schlep my laptop to a coffee shop to work, partly so I’ll have close access to coffee and partly because the bustling atmosphere helps me focus. (Coffitivity is a useful tool for replicating this effect at home, if you’re interested!)

If I’m at my desk at home, I like to put on music while I work. Usually I go for something instrumental and minimally distracting, like Chris Thile playing Bach on the mandolin or the string quartet tribute to Death Cab For Cutie. Sometimes I open up sound effect websites, like the aforementioned Coffitivity or Rainy Mood, and either layer them with music or just listen to them alone.

I like my desk to be relatively clear when I work, so I can focus. Any clutter must be beautiful/inspiring clutter.

My “writing clothes” have to be super comfortable so they don’t distract me. In the summertime I wore a lot of oversized tank tops (I bought mine in a unisex size large so they’re basically dresses on me) because they’re comfy and unrestrictive, but now that it’s getting colder, you’ll more often find me writing in sweaters, leggings and shearling slippers. Basically anything that allows me to focus on my thoughts and my words instead of my body. And ideally something that allows for quick genital access if need be; wink wink.

What daily or regular practices do you do to improve your writing?

I am a huge fan of Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way books, and in particular, the morning pages exercise she suggests. I don’t always have the time or energy to keep up with my daily morning pages, but when I do, I find that I’m so much more creative, decisive, and productive. It’s truly astonishing.

I write in a journal almost every day, just recording what happened in my life and how I feel about it, and I think that practice has improved my writing enormously, simply because the more you write, the better you get. Putting feelings into words can be a particularly challenging task, so in some ways, writing about sex toys feels like a walk in the park after that!

I also make a habit of reading books on writing (Bird by Bird and The Elements of Style are two recent ones I’ve enjoyed) and making sure to read a fuckton of other people’s writing – not just in the genre I write for (primarily sex-related nonfiction), but in lots of other genres too. The more you read, the better you write.

I also like to go for long, thoughtful walks – another Julia Cameron recommendation. If I’m stuck and can’t seem to “give birth to” a post or article (for lack of a better phrase), a walk often unsticks my brain. Sometimes I just keep walking until the issue resolves itself, even if that means I go for a longer walk than I normally would. Divine inspiration always seems to strike eventually.

What rules (if any) do you always follow when you write? What rules (if any) do you break?

I follow spelling and grammar rules to the best of my ability, unless I’m breaking them purposely to achieve a particular effect.

I always try to make my first sentence interesting and attention-grabbing. It’s my journalistic background.

I hold myself to a very high standard when it comes to being non-judgmental and anti-oppressive. I do my best to make sure my posts don’t contain anything that could make someone feel shitty about themselves, whether that’s due to feeling shamed for something they like in bed or feeling excluded based on their identity or anything else.

In reviews, I often break the “rule” that you have to include a plethora of technical information about a toy, like how it charges, how long the charge lasts, what the toy’s buttons or controls are like, how to clean and care for the toy’s material, etc. I tend to only include that information if it’s notable and I want to comment on it for one reason or another. I figure folks can always Google for that information and they’ve come to my blog to hear what I think about how the toy feels.

What other writers (of any genre or medium) do you admire, and why?

In the sex blogging realm: Epiphora for her hilarious and inventive descriptions of sex toys and their sensations. Lilly for her well-researched and sometimes delightfully ranty posts. Redhead Bedhead because her blog is a mishmash of mental, emotional, and physical approaches to sexuality (which is kind of what I try to do here, too). Emily Nagoski because she is soooo non-judgmental and her approach is scientific but compassionate.

In the world of nonfiction: I love Rachel Rabbit White’s sex journalism. (I actually interviewed her for a first-year journalism school project where we had to talk to a journalist we admire. I was so shy and starstruck but she was very sweet to me.) I like Augusten Burroughs’ dark, biting wit and interesting way of looking at the world. I love Gala Darling’s bubbly, carefree tone and her take on self-love.

Fiction: J. K. Rowling and Veronica Roth (young adult fiction is hard and they get it right). Will Ferguson (hilarious, but dark and deep sometimes too). Emma Donoghue (read Room; trust me on this one). Stephen King (a true, great storyteller; I’m obsessed with The Stand and Under the Dome).

Other genres: I dig poetry by Charles Bukowski and Richard Brautigan. Stephen Sondheim is the best lyricist I know of, living or dead.

So? Are you going to answer these questions on your own blog? Make sure to use the #HowIBlog hashtag if you tweet your post!

Sex Writing 101: Common Mistakes

Kate Sloan

I’m a journalist by trade, which means I’m a language nerd. Ask any J-schooler for a list of their pet peeves and I can guarantee at least half of them will be language-related. It’s just the way we are.

I used to be a review editor at a certain unethical sex toy site that shall not be named, and because I encountered the same mistakes every single day to the point of wanting to smash my head on my desk, I wrote a post for the website’s discussion forum outlining a few common errors I saw in reviews. I received a message from one of the moderators, basically telling me to cease and desist because it wasn’t my place to give writers suggestions on how to write.

Well, this blog is my place to do as I please, and today what I please is to list some common mistakes made by sex writers and bloggers. Let me know if you’re into the idea of more posts on sex writing, because I’ve got plenty of thoughts to share.

Without further ado, here are some frequent problems in sex writing…

1. Come vs. cum.

This one drives me fucking bonkers, in part because it’s sort of ambiguous whether or not it actually is a mistake. Language is ever-evolving (a fact that someone always inevitably reminds me of whenever I complain about the misuse of the word “literally”), so it’s not technically incorrect to use the word “cum” as a verb or a noun in sexual contexts. Some dictionaries even mention that connotation of the word.

That said, I still think it looks incredibly unprofessional, like it originated from a 13-year-old’s MSN chat log or poorly spell-checked smutty fanfiction. So while it may not be a mistake to use the word “cum,” I think you should consider it carefully before you do it.

2. Discreet vs. discrete.

If you’re talking about sex toys or sex acts, “discreet” is probably the word you’re looking for. It means “modestly unobtrusive; unostentatious.” In other words, if your sex toy is discreet, your mom might be able to spot it sitting on the coffee table and not recognize it as a sex toy. Or she might be able to sit in the next room while you’re using the toy and not have any idea you’re using it.

“Discrete” means “apart or detached from others; separate; distinct.” You could say that a vibrator has seven discrete functions, which is to say that each of those functions is separate and different from the others. It’s not a word that would come up too often in sex writing generally, but hey, now you know.

3. Hyphens in lists.

In sex writing contexts, this tends to come up when you’re talking about lube, just because there are a lot of hyphens in names of lube types. Water-based, silicone-based, oil-based. See? Hyphens galore.

If you’re listing a bunch of different lube types for whatever reason and you want to make the phrase a bit shorter and less clunky, you can do it as follows: “Water-, silicone-, and oil-based lubes.” I know it looks weird to have random dangling hyphens, but that’s how ya do it.

4. G-spot, A-spot, P-spot, etc.

With these sorts of words, the letter at the beginning is always capitalized, because it stands for something. (In the cases above, the letters stand for, respectively: Grafenberg, anterior fornix, prostate.) It’s an initial and initials are always capitalized.

5. Proper nouns, or not.

Be mindful of what is and is not a proper noun. Latex, silicone, phthalates, glass, steel; none of these are proper nouns so they don’t need to be capitalized (unless they’re at the beginning of a sentence or they make up part of the official name of a product). Most toy names (e.g. Pure Wand) and special proprietary materials (e.g. VixSkin) are proper nouns and should therefore be capitalized, as should (of course) names of people (e.g. Ernest Grafenberg) and places (e.g. the Museum of Sex).

6. Apostrophes.

This is, unfortunately, a huge problem for many writers of every genre, not just sex writing. If you’re not sure where apostrophes belong or don’t belong, read some grammar sites or books because this is super basic information.

Most especially, learn the difference between “it’s” and “its,” and know where to put possessive apostrophes (hint: only when something is possessed). There is no apostrophe in plural nouns; the word “dildo’s” should not appear unless you’re talking about something that belongs to the dildo (e.g. “the dildo’s dimensions”) or you’re abbreviating the phrase “dildo is” (e.g. “This dildo’s great!”).

That’s just a really quick summary of some of the mistakes I see most often in sex writing. What are some of your sex writing pet peeves?

Blog Tour Questionnaire

Kate Sloan

A few different folks have tagged me in this “blog tour” thing, and it has some interesting questions, so I’m gonna do it! Read on, if you want a portal into the mind of a sex blogger…!

What am I working on?

Reviews, always reviews! I have a couple of Tantus toys I’ve needed to review for ages, a few lubes, an erotica book, and some other stuff.

I’ve also had an idea percolating for a while for a blog series about unusual fetishes, but I’m still deciding how to approach it.

And, as usual, I’m working on material for the Sex Toys Canada blog.

How does my work differ from others of its genre?

I once heard the ladies of the Blogcademy say that a blog should be like a magazine: geared toward a specific type of reader, and the various things that they would be interested in, rather than a specific type of content. So I try to keep that in mind. My target reader is a feminist, queer or queer-positive, open-minded and open-hearted sex geek – kind of like me!

A lot of my posts are sex toy reviews, but I branch out from that as well. I try to provide content that’s as helpful as possible, while also encouraging a light-hearted, radically inclusive attitude about sex. It’s my goal to avoid judgment and stereotypes, and to be truly sex-positive, which I define as believing that any sexual act or fantasy is A-OK as long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual.

Why do I write what I do?

I genuinely feel that sex education and sex geekery are my calling. I started this blog because I wanted to write and there is nothing I’m more fascinated by than sexuality. It’s the only topic in the entire world that I could write hundreds of blog posts about, because it’s intriguing, infinite, and ever-expanding.

As for sex toy reviews specifically, I want to help people make better choices about what they’re putting in their bodies and what they’re relying on to give them pleasure. The world deserves better than cheap jelly toys that give you chemical burns and shitty vibrators that can’t get you off. Pleasure for everyone!!

How does my writing process work?

I usually get posts done all in one go. That’s always been how I’ve written; my brain just works better that way. Of course, I go back in and edit or change things later, but I like that initial write-through to get done in one sitting if possible.

When writing sex toy reviews, I start crafting sentences in my head while testing toys, and make a mental list of pros and cons that I can use as a guide when I write my review.

After drafting and editing a post, usually I either publish it right away or let it sit in my drafts folder to marinate for a few days.

Yay, that was fun!