My Ultimate Sex Nerd Reading List

Kate Sloan

You might expect a long-time sex toy reviewer to get asked about her favorite toys all the time – and I do! – but I also get asked surprisingly often about what books I recommend. I’ve been a lifelong devout sex nerd, and these are the books I most often recommend to people – at least, so far! Life is long, and there’s always more books to devour 🤩

 

Sex advice/technique

  • Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is an absolute classic in the sex-nerd canon. Read it if you’ve ever struggled to understand your libido (or lack thereof), or if your relationship is suffering from a libido mismatch. It’s the original source text for numerous concepts I reference all the time, like “responsive desire” vs. “spontaneous desire,” and “sexual brakes” vs. “sexual accelerator.”
  • Nagoski’s newer book Come Together is also fantastic, and goes into more detail on science-backed ways to maintain a sexual spark in a long-term relationship.
  • Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon is a delightful guide to having sex with women (both cis and trans), for anyone who plans on doing that. It might also help you understand your body/sexuality better if you are a woman.
  • Sexting by Tina Horn is indeed a wonderful guide to sexting, but also contains great advice for anyone who wants to become a better sexual communicator in general.
  • Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz is a good introduction to the orgasm gap and the importance of clitoral stimulation.
  • She Comes First by Ian Kerner is generally considered the best cunnilingus guide.
  • Juice by Stephanie Haerdle is the best book about the history and politics squirting, while Female Ejaculation & the G-Spot by Deborah Sundahl is the best instructional book on squirting.

 

Dating, flirting, & hooking up

  • Getting It by Allison Moon is a guide to casual sex, covering a wide range of skills, from broaching the STI testing conversation to asking for what you want in bed to ending things gracefully when you catch feels for your FWB. Cool to see a book that focuses more on the emotional/mental aspects of sex than the physical aspects.
  • The Offline Dating Method by Camille Virginia is a cute and fun (albeit quite hetero) guide to meeting potential partners IRL while out and about, and starting + sustaining conversations with strangers.

 

Love & relationships

  • Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel is a couples’ therapist’s guide to maintaining a good balance of safety vs. adventure in your relationship, which Perel convincingly argues is the key to keeping sexual desire alive in the long-term. Perel’s other book The State of Affairs is a good read if you’re seeking to understand (and ideally avoid) infidelity in monogamous or non-monogamous partnerships.
  • Love in a F*cked-Up World by Dean Spade is a great book on relationships in general – romantic ones as well as platonic, familial and communal ones. An especially good read for leftists who have butted heads with other leftists over interpersonal issues and would rather refocus on what matters most: love, connection, compassion, and liberation.
  • Why We Love by Helen Fisher is an informative read on the psychology of romantic love. I have some issues with it (mainly, it’s very mono-normative and uses flimsy evidence to support some of its points), but it’s a good primer on how romantic love works in the brain.
  • The Monster Under the Bed by JoEllen Notte is an amazing book on sex & depression – it covers how to keep your sex life strong despite the challenges of depression, how to adjust to the libido-dampening effects of certain antidepressants, and how to develop more compassion for yourself, among other things.

 

Polyamory & non-monogamy

  • Polysecure and Polywise by Jessica Fern are the two polyamory books I recommend most often. They’re about finding emotional security in polyamorous relationships, and offer actionable strategies for individuals, couples, and polycules to build more resilience and trust in their connections.
  • Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell covers some more advanced non-monogamy topics, like how to de-escalate a relationship, or how to handle grief in polyamorous relationships.

 

LGBTQIA+ identities & issues

  • 200 Words to Help You Talk About Sexuality & Gender is a book I wrote that defines 200 words from the sex & gender lexicon.
  • My New Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein is what I always recommend to people who are like, “I think I might be trans and/or nonbinary – now what?!” It’ll help you understand your gender more deeply and decide what you want to do with that information.
  • The Tragedy of Heterosexuality by Jane Ward is a fascinating study of how straightness as a construct is pretty damaging, especially to straight people themselves. Definitely one of the books that has stayed with me most after reading it.
  • Ace by Angela Chen is a good book on asexuality: what it means, why it’s so misunderstood, how ace people can connect better with their identity & community, etc.

 

Kink & BDSM

 

Sex toys

 

Philosophy, politics, & culture

 

Silly stuff

 

What books would be on your must-read list for sex nerds?