What Makes a Vibrator “Beginner-Friendly”? (+ Win a Bellesa Vibe!)

Kate Sloan

As a sex educator and sex toy reviewer, a question I get asked a lot is: “What’s a good vibrator for a beginner?”

It’s a deceptively complicated question. Those who ask it often want an easy answer, and there usually isn’t one. It depends on too many factors: Does this beginner already know they like vibration, or are they unsure? Have they ever had an orgasm before? Have they ever even masturbated before? Which part(s) of their anatomy do they intend to use the vibrator on or in? Do they want to be able to use it with a partner, or just by themselves? Do they need it to be quiet, discreet, non-representational, or are they okay with something that’s a bit harsher on the senses? How much are they willing and able to spend?

As you can see, deeming a vibrator “beginner-friendly” isn’t as easy as it sounds. However, there are a few qualities which – in my expert opinion – make a vibe suitable for first-time sex toy users. Here’s what to look for…

Body-safe materials. If you start with a toxic jelly toy, you’ll probably be scared off vibrators forever by the chemical burns, internal infections, and/or bad smells. These perilous toys are seductive because of their low price point, but they’re just not worth it. Look for phthalate-free, non-porous materials like silicone, hard plastic, glass, and stainless steel.

Multiple modes and speeds. To experiment with vibration properly, you’ll need to try several different types and timbres. The easiest way to do this is with a vibrator that has at least 5 different speeds and maybe a few patterns. That way, even if you end up hating a few of the modes, there will likely be some you actually enjoy.

A versatile shape. Many toys marketed as “vibrators for women” are designed with G-spot stimulation in mind, but you can use them in many more ways than that! Any vibe meant for internal use can also be used externally, such as on the clitoris or perineum. If an insertable vibrator has a flared base and is made of a non-porous material, it can also be used anally. Hooray for multifaceted toys!

And now, for the exciting part: I’ve got a decidedly beginner-friendly (though also intermediate- and advanced-friendly) vibrator to give away to one lucky reader in North America!

Bellesa makes sex toys for women, though truth be told, their vibes could be used by anyone of any gender. They’ve offered up their Euphoria vibrator, a toy made with anal play in mind (hence that flared base) but also plenty useful for vaginal penetration or external stimulation. It’s got 7 stimulation modes, is submersible in the tub, and is made of body-safe silicone – so it ticks all my “beginner-friendly vibe” boxes and more!

You can enter to win using the widget below, if you live in North America. I’ll draw a winner after 2 weeks, so you have until September 1st to enter!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Thanks to Bellesa for sponsoring this post! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

8 Fellatio Fears and How to Conquer Them

Kate Sloan

Blowjobs used to be one of the scariest acts I could imagine, and now they’re one of my favorite things. I’ve come so far (and made so many people come)!

As such, I get a lot of emails, tweets, DMs, and comments from folks who want to give more head, more skilfully, but are running up against a specific issue that makes this tricky for them. So here’s a little cheat sheet of common cocksucking conundrums and how I’d recommend combating them…

You feel obligated to give head, and you don’t want to.

How to deal:

  • Try to remember, above all else, that consent and comfort are paramount to sex and that anyone worth dating or fucking will know this.
  • That said, you’ll have a hard time finding a sexual partner who doesn’t want some kind of sexual reciprocation in their relationships, and giving pleasure is fun, so look for alternate ways to do that. Handjobs, sex toys, good ol’ P-in-V sex, and even talking dirty in your partner’s ear while they jerk off are all lovely ways to please someone without sucking their dick.
  • If you’re concerned your partner quietly resents you for not giving them head more often or at all, don’t just silently worry about that – talk about it. Have a proper sit-down conversation about it; ask them if it bothers them and negotiate other things the two of you could do together instead.
  • If you want to like giving head, take baby steps. Maybe tell your partner you’re going to blow them for five minutes and then switch to a different activity. Maybe start giving handjobs that incorporate progressively more and more of your mouth. Look for something you can enjoy about BJs, whether it’s the servicey headspace you get into or the sounds your partner makes or the texture of the cock against your tongue, and focus on that.

You’re scared of gagging/choking.

How to deal:

  • Tell your partner (or remind them) that this is a concern for you, and that they should therefore avoid pushing your head down onto their cock, thrusting into your mouth, and so on. Assert and defend this boundary relentlessly as needed.
  • Firmly wrap your hand around the cock midway down the shaft so it can’t get deeper into your mouth than you want it to.
  • Use your (lubed) hand on the shaft, in sync with your mouth, so that it feels like you’re taking it deeper than you actually are. Oooh, a cocktical illusion!
  • If you’re comfortable doing so, try deliberately gagging yourself a little bit on the dick once in a while by taking it just a little too deep. It’s easier to handle when you’re doing it to yourself and can choose when and how it happens, and “practicing” like this can acclimatize you to the sensation and may even lessen your gag reflex over time.

You’re scared it’ll taste bad (or you know it does).

How to deal:

  • Try taking a shower or bath together beforehand. It’s possible to soap up someone’s dick in a sexy manner, I promise. (Ask first!)
  • Use this knowledge how you will: the taste of semen and precum can be improved if the owner of the dick eats more fruit, drinks more water, and cuts down on their consumption of coffee, alcohol, spinach, cigarettes, garlic, onions, and spicy foods. (Sex writer Violet Blue recommends a smoothie made of pineapple juice, mango juice, a banana, half a cucumber, fresh ginger, vanilla extract, and honey. Sounds delicious!)
  • If you’re concerned the bad taste may actually be due to neglectful hygiene practices and/or some kind of health issue, gently and kindly broach the issue with the partner in question. Try not to make them feel embarrassed or ashamed. Emphasize that you’re bringing it up out of concern for their health and that you’d just looove to suck their cock more once the issue is resolved.
  • If all else fails, there’s always condoms (I would recommend either flavored ones or unlubricated ones, because regular condom lube tastes pretty gross) and/or flavored lube.

Boner issues are deflating your enthusiasm.

How to deal:

  • Absorb this reality check: boners are not a foolproof measure of arousal, attraction, or enjoyment. Erectile issues can be caused by a whole host of issues – medical, psychological, situational, and otherwise – and don’t necessarily portend a damn thing about how hot you are or how good your blowjobs are.
  • If you are feeling insecure about your desirability or sexual skill because of a boner problem, it’s okay to ask your partner for reassurance about those things. Just be aware that they may also be going through some difficult feelings about it and may not be in a good position to reassure you immediately.
  • Remember that dicks can still feel pleasure even when flaccid! Use your lips and tongue. Find new, inventive ways to give your partner pleasure with your mouth. Emphasize, with your actions and your words, that you are there to exchange pleasures and have fun, not to check off a bunch of goals on a sexual to-do list.
  • That said, your partner may not want a BJ while flaccid, for various reasons. Make the offer, but also be open to their alternate suggestions. Maybe getting you off would help them feel more capable and sexy in a moment when they might not be feeling that way.
  • If it’s a recurrent issue, and it regularly causes distress to one or both partners, medical help might be warranted. As with anything sensitive, approach this discussion with compassion and tact.

You’re worried you’re bad at it.

How to deal:

  • Communicate with your partner! If you raise this concern, they may very well tell you you’re being ridiculous and your blowjobs are actually fantastic. Or they might have suggestions for how you could change things up to give BJs that please them better.
  • Do sexual science experiments to determine which techniques work well for your partner. Think like an optometrist: is “A” better, or “B”? Try going deep and shallow, fast and slow, gentle and hard, wet and less-wet, and see which your partner responds to better. Ask them questions and pay attention to their body language and their breathing.
  • Look for new technique ideas in instructional sex books, porn clips, erotica stories, and whatever other blowjob-centric sexual media you can find. You never know when you’ll come across something that shifts your whole BJ game.
  • Remember that what you offer goes beyond just physical skill. The best blowjob machines in 2018 may be out of this world on a mechanical level, but they don’t compare to the hotness of having a real live person in front of you, sucking your cock.

You’re worried you don’t look hot while you’re doing it.

How to deal:

  • Again: communicate with your partner. They probably think you look hot while you’re down there. Try asking them, “What turns you on about watching me give you head?”
  • Watch blowjob porn – and, in particular, POV blowjob porn – for ideas on how to unleash your inner porn star while you give head. Smouldering eye contact, pouty lips, and a brow furrowed in mild desperation are all popular features of this porn genre… and they’re classics for a reason!
  • When this anxiety is particularly acute, consider blindfolding your partner. It adds a fun kinky twist to the experience and also takes the pressure off you to look scintillatingly hot at every moment.
  • Is there some pre-BJ primping you could do that would make you feel hotter in the act? Maybe some mascara, lipstick, blush, lingerie, or a particular hairstyle? These things are totally optional, but might make you feel more secure about how you look.
  • Remember that what you look like isn’t actually that important. If you focus on enjoying how the cock feels in your mouth and paying close attention to your partner’s responses, you’ll do a better job – and that concentrated-cocksucker aesthetic is super hot in and of itself!

You don’t know what to say.

How to deal:

  • Embrace that not everyone talks dirty and not everyone needs to. Maybe you can communicate everything you need to with just your eyes, and of course, your hot wet mouth.
  • If you do decide to delve into dirty-talk, keep it simple. Most people aren’t looking for a flowery dissertation while their cock’s being sucked. “You like that?” “Does that feel good?” “You want me to take you deeper into my mouth?” “You wanna come down my throat?”
  • Watch blowjob porn for inspiration. Some of my favorite dirty-talk pros are Aiden Starr, Tina Horn, Nina Hartley, and Heather Harmon.
  • Start sexting your partner more often (or at all, if sexting isn’t something the two of you already do), and pay attention to the language they use for their own body and sexual responses. They’re subtly communicating the language that turns them on.

You don’t want to swallow cum.

How to deal:

  • Tell your partner that (nicely, and without body-shaming or kink-shaming them). If they’re decent, they’ll understand.
  • Switch to a handjob toward the end of the BJ. Make sure your hands are wet from your spit (and/or add additional lubrication) so there’s not a huge difference in sensation. Have them come somewhere other than your mouth that’s acceptable to both of you – maybe on your face, your chest, or their own belly.
  • If you are okay with them coming in your mouth, but just don’t want to swallow, you can let the cum dribble out of your mouth onto them. It’s kinda messy, yeah, but they probably won’t be too bothered because they just got to come in your hot little mouth. (Maybe bring them some tissues, though!)
  • You could always go the classic route and just spit out the cum in a nearby receptable (cup, garbage can, even a tissue in a pinch). Just, again, don’t be shamey in the way that you do this. That stuff came out of their body. If you act like it’s gross, they’re going to think you find them gross… in which case, yeesh, why are you having sex with them?!

What problems do you encounter while giving blowjobs?

 

Heads up (pun definitely intended): this post was sponsored! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Ways to Play with D/s on a Dinner Date

Kate Sloan

Doing kink stuff in public is a hotly debated practice. Some say it ropes strangers into your activities without their consent; others say it’s harmless and fine. I fall somewhere in the middle: I think it’s okay as long as it’s subtle enough that it’s likely to go unnoticed by those who don’t know what to look for.

If you’re in a relationship that involves dominance and submission, there are few better situations for playing with those kinks publicly than a dinner date. Like any romantic date, dinner out together can help build anticipation and excitement for sex that might come later. Dinner dates also feature some interaction with other people (e.g. hosts, servers) but not a ton, so you can remain in your little two-person bubble for most of the night even though you’re out in public. Low-lit restaurants make a great backdrop for subtle, blink-and-you-might-miss-it kink games.

As a submissive whose boyfriend is a fine-food fan and a fellow pervert, I’ve been on many kink-tinged dinner dates as of late. Here are 5 of my favorite ways to play with D/s while out to dinner with a dominant!

The dominant chooses the submissive’s outfit. Get the kinky fun started before you even leave the house! Letting someone else choose your ensemble is vulnerable, because you’re trusting them with your self-presentation, and you’ll be wearing that outfit all night. Giving the dominant this degree of control also works well if they prefer the date location to be a surprise; the submissive won’t know the appropriate way to dress but the dominant will. If you want, you can play with clothing as bondage: for example, as Siren Vandoll points out, tight clothing or high heels can restrict the submissive’s movement in a way both partners might appreciate. Getting dressed before the date is also a good time to put a collar or other symbol of ownership on the submissive, so both partners can enjoy the sight of it all night.

The dominant holds onto the submissive’s wallet, phone, keys, or another important object. I discovered the joys of this power-play last summer, when my then-dominant would sometimes keep my phone and debit card in his pocket while we grocery-shopped together if I didn’t feel like schlepping my whole big purse to the store. We initially did this purely for practicality’s sake, but I immediately noticed how it deepened our power differential: I had to ask him every time I wanted to look my phone or buy anything, so he had a ton of real-world control over me. Taking a submissive’s phone away for the evening could also be a fun way to “punish” them for being too distractible on dates, if they consent to that type of discipline.

The dominant defines and enforces “table protocol” at the restaurant. This is a fantastic way to reinforce your dynamic within the structure of a meal out. Some examples of potential table protocols you could instate: the submissive pulls out the dominant’s chair for them; the submissive doesn’t sit until the dominant does (and stands up every time they do); the dominant orders the submissive’s food and drinks; the dominant gets the first taste of the submissive’s food and/or drinks; the submissive must eat without ruining their lipstick; the submissive keeps the dominant’s water glass topped up… or whatever else your pervy little minds dream up! Keep in mind that this stuff should be pre-negotiated (as should everything in this post, really), because one or both partners might have a history of disordered eating or another past trauma that could make some of these protocols difficult or inadvisable.

The dominant sends the submissive to the bathroom with instructions. Maybe their task is to take a series of dirty photos and text them to the dominant; maybe it’s to remove their underwear and surreptitiously give them to the dominant upon their return; maybe it’s to touch themselves until they’re super turned on and then come back without finishing the job. (Wash your hands, please.) It’s probably best to avoid anything that could get you arrested or will result in a long lineup of other patrons waiting to use the bathroom, but hey, what happens in the bathroom stall stays in the bathroom stall.

The dominant and submissive use a remote-controlled sex toy together. This one’s a little riskier, depending on how good the submissive is at maintaining a “poker face”… Remotely controllable sex toys like the We-Vibe Sync are ideal for discreet public play if you’re into that. The dominant can enable and control the toy from their phone, or with a remote. It’s best to save this one for interludes when other people aren’t interacting with you, so you’re not involving them, such as after your food has arrived or in the taxi home after dinner. If you play your cards right, the outing will end with both of you totally turned on and ready for more explicit private play.

What’s your favorite way to infuse a little kink into a dinner date?

 

Heads up: this post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Intimate Intercourse: Phone Sex (Part 3)

Kate Sloan

Hello again! This is Intimate Intercourse, a series where I interview my boyfriend/Sir/Daddy, Super Sleepy Dude, about topics relating to sex and kink. This is the final part of a 3-part interview about phone sex; you can read part 1 here and part 2 here. In this last instalment, we talk about aftercare, debriefing, and embarrassing mouth malfunctions.

Kate Sloan: Tell me about phone-sex aftercare.

Super Sleepy: Yeah. This is not something that I had really done before having phone sex with you, as a practice. A lot of the phone sex I had before dating you was very vanilla phone sex, and I still think it’s important for that, but I think when you have kink plus distance plus less information, it’s really really important. We learned that pretty quickly, because we had kinky phone sex and then not enough aftercare and it didn’t feel good for you. It didn’t really feel good for me, either. It feels good in the moment and then there’s this weird disconnect afterwards. So, what have we evolved to, in terms of phone-sex aftercare? It’s pretty similar to in-person aftercare for us. Like, you know, after a little bit of breathing and clean-up and stuff, we’re very cuddly; we try to make sure that you have snacks available, water, stuff like that… What else do we do?

KS: Sometimes we talk about what we liked. But mostly we do that the next day.

SS: Right. It’s easier for you to talk about what you liked the next day, so that’s what we’ve come to with that. But even if we’re not talking about the specifics of what we liked right after the scene, we are very complimentary of one another, generally. I talk about what a good girl you were and how well you took it for me, and you talk often about what you felt, what your orgasm felt like, stuff like that. That’s a nice come-down. And then we just try to make sure that there’s enough time. Often we’re having phone sex late at night, and that means planning ahead a little bit and not starting the scene 30 minutes before we both need to be asleep for work the next day, because then you’re not building in enough time for aftercare, or you’re going to be too tired to do the aftercare properly. So have phone sex earlier, kids! That’s what I’m saying.

KS: [laughing] Time management is one of your core competencies.

SS: Time management. That’s right.

KS: Okay, one more thing – about the next-day debriefs. I feel like they’re an extension of aftercare, and also we learn from them. What are your thoughts on debriefs?

SS: I agree; they’re really, really important to me. We have phone sex a lot – I don’t know if this has been posted on the internet anywhere, if anyone knows that, but – we don’t always do it. We don’t have an 100% debrief rate. I think in the cases where we skip it or are too busy to do it or whatever, it’s usually when we’ve done a phone-sex scene that is pretty similar to a lot of other phone-sex scenes that we’ve done, so there’s not a lot new to talk about. But whenever we do anything intense, risky, new, a new roleplay scenario, more literal ageplay stuff, anything edgy for either of us, we make sure to do the debriefs, and they are emotionally really comforting and satisfying and I’m usually really proud of myself for making you feel really good, but they’re also a learning opportunity – because if we did a whole scene and I said something as a professor and you really really liked it, where can I reuse that in other contexts? Like you said earlier in the interview, maybe that context is in person. Maybe it’s in a totally different roleplay scenario, or maybe or it’s in a phone-sex scene where we’re not really doing much roleplay at all. All of that is interesting, and I especially like talking about the words that made us come. Like, what was the phrase or series of things that really pushed you over the edge? That’s a favorite phone-sex follow-up question that you should ask.

KS: Yep, that’s a good one.

SS: It’s often hard for one or both of us to remember them, but usually one of us can pull it out. There’s a lot going on at that point.

KS: Yeah, your mind goes blank.

SS: Uh-huh.

KS: Okay. I’m done. Is there anything I missed that you wanted to talk about? Or final parting words of advice?

SS: Well, yeah. I wanna ask you this: when we started dating, you said you weren’t into phone sex, right? What has been different about the phone sex that we’ve had, or what has changed in you, that you’re now more into it and having a lot of it?

KS: I think necessity was the first foot in the door of why I was willing to give it another shot, because what else would we do? Sexting is fine, but I don’t usually get off that way, and I’m usually running around, going about my day, instead of having a dedicated sexting sesh. But also, I think, my past experiences with phone sex were like, I was being expected to say more shit, and – I don’t know if it’s because I am not practiced at that skill, or just because I go nonverbal when I’m subby, so that’s really hard for me, and if I force myself to not go nonverbal, then it pulls me out of the scene. It’s just really hard for me to be both of those things at the same time. And so there was the pressure to say things – which also turns into anxiety about “Am I saying the right things?” – and also always a lot of anxiety about “taking too long to come.” I don’t really worry about that with you anymore, but I used to worry about, like, “Is he mad that he’s just been saying shit for half an hour?”

SS: Right. Definitely not. That does trigger a thing that I want to say, if you’re done. If you had another thing you wanted to say, that’s cool too.

KS: No, I think that’s the main thing. I think I just needed to find someone whose style and approach to it was compatible with me.

SS: A good match. Yeah. What I wanted to say, and I guess this is as good a parting word as any, is: if you’re talking a lot in phone sex – if you’re talking for an hour straight, or even if it is more balanced and 50-50 – you are gonna say stuff that makes no sense.

KS: [laughing]

SS: It’s a hazard of the situation. And unlike in dirty talk in physical sex, where you have something to fall back on – like maybe you’re doing a good thing with your hands, or your dick, or whatever – you don’t have that, so it can be a little bit awkward when you say the wrong thing. My advice, when that happens, is to laugh about it – it’s totally fine to giggle about it for a second – and just like, say a better thing. Just keep moving forward. Don’t be like “Oh god, no, I can’t do it!” It’s fine. You’re talking a lot. Weird syllables are gonna come out of your mouth. It’s normal.

KS: I can’t even… The only one I can think of is when you told me I was “too good for my own good.”

SS: I said that. I’ve called my cock “little” at least twice, because I was trying to call you “little” but I got my wires crossed.

KS: You use that adjective…

SS: So much.

KS: …like seasoning, so it comes up.

SS: Yeah. There’s been a bunch. There’ve been words that were not words at all, they’re just, like, garbled syllables. I hear all of them. I’m somewhat of a perfectionist about this, so I hear every mistake.

KS: I really had trouble thinking of anything, so don’t worry about it so much.

SS: In every time, there’s at least one, and eventually I’ll get them to zero. No. It’s impossible. It’s totally fine and normal.

KS: Yeah, it’s fine. Okay. Thank you, love.

SS: Thank you, little one.

Hope you enjoyed this interview! I’m hoping to do more of these in the future; we have a lot to talk about. Feel free to comment with suggestions for what you’d like to see us discuss – or your own favorite tips for phone sex!

Intimate Intercourse: Phone Sex (Part 2)

Kate Sloan

Welcome back to Intimate Intercourse, a series where I interview my boyfriend/Sir/Daddy, Super Sleepy Dude, about topics relating to sex and kink. This is part 2 of a 3-part interview about phone sex; you can read part 1 here. In this instalment, we’re talking about how we handle impact play during phone sex, logistically and emotionally. Enjoy! (Content note: we touch on self-harm in this interview, so if that’s triggering for you, definitely feel free to skip this post.)

Kate Sloan: Okay, I wanna talk about sadomasochistic things. Is that as gratifying for you over the phone as doing in-person sadistic things?

Super Sleepy: No, but only shades less. It’s better when it’s on video, in that case, I think, because a lot of the feedback of hitting someone is visual feedback, so seeing skin getting redder, seeing the actual thud or slap or whatever, is more satisfying than just hearing it. But, in the context of a full phone-sex scene, switching between audio and video is kind of distracting, and the audio is disinhibiting because you don’t have to look at video of yourself. Looking at video of yourself is inhibiting on both sides, I think. It’s like you’re forced to have sex in front of a mirror. So I tend to usually just go with the audio, because there’s less of the technical switching and there’s less of that inhibition.

KS: Yeah. I kinda would like to develop that skill of getting over that inhibition, so that’s something to think about. ‘Cause I agree that it totally makes sense, the visual feedback thing.

SS: What about for you, receiving impact via verbal commands over the phone? How does it compare?

KS: It’s very close. I think that the main difference is, there is some element of, like, I’m just not gonna hit myself as hard as a person would who can’t feel what I’m feeling, even if I’m trying really hard…

SS: Right. Because your body just won’t let you do that.

KS: Yeah. I do think that’s gotten better with practice, but yeah, it definitely was interesting to see how my body would start to respond without me even consciously being like, “Okay, time to hit myself.” It just became very ingrained.

SS: Yeah, the first few times that was happening were some highlights of our early phone-sex experiences together, when you were slapping yourself faster than you realized you could. I think, if you have somebody that you want to do sadomasochistic stuff on the phone with, and you’re topping them, one way to get them more comfortable hitting themselves harder than they think they might be able to initially is to do the same thing you would do in person, which is to walk them up an incline of that. Because if you just tell someone to hit themselves as hard as they can, how are they gonna process that? How are they gonna do that safely?

KS: Very few people like that, anyway.

SS: Right. So if you use the 1-to-10 scale, which you’ve written about a lot, and if you use dominance as part of it, if that’s part of your dynamic, to push past where it sounds like they’re really starting to feel pain, and… I ask a lot about, like, “Does that hurt, little one?” or what the pain feels like, then you can push a little bit past that, and that’s where it’s gonna start to feel, for them, I think, like they’re hitting themselves harder than they thought they could – which can be hot.

KS: Yeah. I get very nonverbal at that point, which I would imagine is hard to navigate in a phone setting.

SS: It is, yeah.

KS: How do you deal with that?

SS: In our case, the way I deal with that is gonna sound kind of silly, maybe, but a lot it is knowing what your sounds mean. It’s having hit you and fucked you and known you long enough to be able to interpret the nonverbal signals that I can still hear. I can hear the impact, I can hear the sounds that you’re making, and the other signal you can pay attention to is, how long does it take for the person to respond to the command? If they’re starting to get reluctant, that time will creep up, usually, at least in your case. And the other one is, you will start whining more when you are getting to the point of reluctance.

KS: What do you mean?! I always follow orders!

SS: Sure you do, little one. You’re very good.

KS: We had to kind of develop the system that we use for sadomasochistic stuff over the phone. Do you want to describe what we do?

SS: Sure, okay. So, when we start doing impact play over the phone, what that usually looks like is, we pick an implement – could be a hand, could be a paddle, could be a truncheon, whatever – and then we pick and agree on a spot on your body that you’re gonna hit yourself. Sometimes it’s your thighs – usually it’s your thighs – sometimes it’s your face, if it’s face-slapping… and then we pick an intensity. We used to always start at 1 out of 10 as the intensity; more recently, we’ve started at different spots, depending on the action before that in the scene, and stuff. And then we also developed a consistent word that we use to mean “you’re gonna hit yourself right now,” and that word is just “now,” because it is short, and it cuts through a lot of other sounds. It’s single-syllable and it tends to work well and it can be repeated quickly without getting kind of crunched together. Gotta hit the “N” pretty hard, but it’s doable.

KS: [giggling]

SS: It’s gonna sound like, “Alright, little one. Are you ready to hit yourself for me?” You’ll say, “Yes, Sir,” and then I’ll say, “Okay, you’re gonna start at a 1 for me, right?” and you’ll say, “Yes, Sir,” and then I’ll say, “Okay. Now.” And then there’ll probably be a bunch of “Nows” while I kind of calibrate what the implement is sounding like on that part of your body, because the distance of the microphone from that spot on your body changes, whether you’re using headphones or not changes, so I need to get a sense for what that “1” sounds like before I feel comfortable hitting you harder than that.

KS: Yeah.

SS: Then we’ve also developed a way to do more than one hit at once, so that I don’t have to say “Now” 15 times in a row if I want to hit you 15 times in a row. So I would just say, “Alright, I want you to hit yourself 15 times, at that intensity. Can you do that for me, little one?” You’d say, “Yes, Sir,” and then I would say “Now,” and you know that that means hit yourself that number of times. And then we use “Again” to do repeated commands. So there’s a whole kind of language or vocabulary that we’ve built together to simplify doing these scenes, so I don’t have to explain exactly what I want because we’ve done it a bunch.

KS: Yeah, I really like it. It feels very connective.

SS: Right. And then if you wanna go up in intensity, you can just say, “Alright, you’re gonna hit yourself at a 3 for me,” and then we’ve jumped up to a 3 and we can kind of keep going at that level with a bunch more “Nows.”

KS: You always wait for the “Yes, Sir.” Why’s that?

SS: Um, that’s consent. See everything ever written about it.

KS: [giggling] Yeah. True. We have another thing like that, though, which is “squeeze.”

SS: Uh-huh.

KS: I don’t even remember how that started, originally.

SS: How it started? I don’t know if I have the origin story of “squeeze” either. [both giggling a lot] I will say, it’s an incredibly useful thing to have. Not as useful as you, little one. It’s just up there. It’s in my toolbox. “Squeeze” is another agreed-upon trigger word that we use when I want you to squeeze your PC muscles. Right?

KS: [audibly blushing] Uh-huh.

SS: Uh-huh.

KS: I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m just giggling a lot. It’s fine.

SS: So, if you’re having phone sex with somebody, really regardless of parts, I think this would be useful. Just being able to tell them to tense up those muscles is really useful when you have something inside of them and you want them to squeeze around it, or you want to hear the sound that they would make if you were inside them and they were squeezing on you. And just like I repeat the “Now” trigger in impact-play scenarios, you can speed up those squeezes. If somebody’s getting close to coming, you can make them squeeze faster, and kind of tip them over that edge.

KS: [giggling] It’s very good. It’s very good for D/s things.

SS: Tell me more about that.

KS: Because it’s like, involuntary at this point.

SS: So what happens if I say it right now? Like this: Squeeze.

KS: [giggling a lot] Yeah. I mean, it works.

SS: Uh-huh.

KS: It’s like a hypnotic trigger, but I don’t think you actually set it up that way.

SS: No. I think it’s more just conditioning at this point.

KS: Yeah. ‘Cause usually there’s some kind of reward for that, even if it’s just the sensation of it.

SS: Yeah, there’s often a verbal reward, though, too.

KS: Yeah.

SS: Squeeze.

KS: Hey!

SS: Good girl. Like that! I’m just demoing.

KS: Okay… Okay, back to the hitting.

SS: Back to the hitting.

KS: Some people would say that it’s essentially self-harm, because I’m hitting myself. What do you think about that?

SS: I am not an expert on the topic, at all. I know that we’ve talked about that and both of us don’t consider it self-harm, because it’s collaborative, and we have safety measures in place, and it’s two consenting adults. I don’t think we’ve run into a scenario where there’s any lasting harm that’s been done by doing impact play over the phone. Correct me if I’m wrong.

KS: No, I don’t think so.

SS: Yeah. But there are risks. The things that make me nervous about stuff on the phone – hypnosis stuff, impact play stuff – are like, I can’t be there if something goes wrong. I think about that a lot. Some things that I’ve done to make myself feel better and you safer, hopefully, are having the closest hospital to your apartment in my phone…

KS: Aww, I didn’t know that!

SS: Right, I forgot to tell you that. Like, knowing your roommate’s phone number incase there was an emergency and you passed out or hit yourself too hard or something like that. Just something that I can do in the case where something goes wrong, because if I was just hung up on, after I told you to hit yourself at an 8 or a 9, I would be panicking. If I couldn’t immediately reach you again, I would want to escalate that, because that could be a safety issue.

KS: Right. Yeah. I also think there have been times when we have done it as a way of avoiding me self-harming. Which is kind of whack, because I’m essentially doing the same thing I would be doing, but psychologically it feels very different to me.

SS: Yeah. How does it feel different psychologically?

KS: When I used to do self-impact for self-harm, it was like I was trying to escape my feelings by giving myself something else to focus on. But I feel like when I do pain stuff with you, it’s like I’m very deliberately choosing to focus on the pain, and also on the emotions that it brings up. I’m deliberately going into them instead of trying to avoid them. And also it’s directed by someone else, so I’m not gonna escalate too quickly or do more than I can handle.

SS: Yeah. I would add that if you’re doing impact play with somebody that does use that for self-harm, and you feel like they’re in a place where they might want the pain for those types of reasons, definitely have these types of conversations – because if they’re asking you for more, you want to know what that “more” means, and that it’s not destructive.

The 3rd and final part of this interview will go up on Friday. In it, we discuss aftercare, debriefs, and the inherent silliness of phone sex. Thanks for reading!