8 Ways to Explore a Sexual Fantasy (Without Actually Doing It)

Kate Sloan

Sex can be scary! I find straight-up vanilla sex intimidating sometimes – bodies and expectations and insecurities, oh my! – and kink can be even moreso. Especially when I’m thinking about introducing a brand-new activity into the equation.

It’s often easier to introduce a new kink act to a partner, I find, if you’ve previously explored that act in other ways. It’s a bit like how you’d probably practice a striptease in the mirror a few times before debuting it for your partner: you want to get comfortable with it yourself before exposing it to the eyes of others.

With that in mind, here are 8 ways you can explore that new fantasy that’s been bouncing around your brain – without actually going whole-hog and doing the damn thing. You can always get to that part later, if you want!

Fantasize about it. This is, of course, a common way to flesh out any new ambition, sexual or otherwise. Some science suggests fantasizing even helps you actualize your desires, like how some athletes visualize winning before they even get on the field, and have noticeably better results when they do. Play with your new kink in your mind while you masturbate, and see how it feels. If it turns you on as much as you had hoped, that might be a green light for you to bring it up with your partner(s)!

Journal about it. Whenever I’m considering making a change in my life, I find it helpful to write out all my thoughts about it. If you’re intrigued by a kink that’s new to you, you might want to spend some time unpacking why this kink intrigues you. You could also make a pros and cons list, write a script for how you’ll bring up this desire to your partner, or even write some spicy erotica featuring your kink of choice. All these approaches will help acclimatize you to a scary new sexual ambition.

Talk to someone about it. If you have a non-judgmental friend who’d be willing to hear you out, you might find it comforting and clarifying to discuss your new desire with them. You could also call a service like Peachbooth (which is free!), where a dirty-minded professional will talk out your fantasy with you or even roleplay the scenario of your dreams. You know a pro won’t judge your kink or rebuff you for bringing it up, so this can be a safe and comfortable first step into your new kink.

Listen to someone else talk about it. Search for Peachbooth clips about your kink of choice, and you’ll get to hear other people discussing it like it’s no big deal – not to mention hot. This can help normalize your new desire in your mind, so you won’t feel so scared to bring it up “in real life.” There are also tons of sex podcasts (look ’em up on iTunes or another fave podcatcher) which can serve the same purpose.

Read instructional books about it. There are so many great kink books out there. Type the name of your new kink – or some adjacent search terms – into Amazon or another bookseller, and see what comes up. Books are helpful not only for fantasy purposes but also for general safety and preparedness: if you’re pursuing a potentially dangerous kink like fireplay or knifeplay, you’ll want to know what the risks and best practices are before you attempt it!

Watch porn about it. We live in the era of internet porn – might as well take advantage of that! As per the infamous Rule 34, if you can conceive of a subject, there exists porn about it. Get on Google, or your favorite porn site, and do a search for whatever naughty notion is occupying your mind. You might learn something new about the activity you’re looking to explore – or about yourself!

Read erotic literature about it. Flip through erotica anthologies at the bookstore, do a search on Literotica, or even browse a fanfiction site like Archive of Our Own. Text-based erotic media can be more illuminating than traditional porn because you get a glimpse into the characters’ minds and motivations, which might help you understand your newfound desires more deeply. (Plus, how fun is it to read about Sherlock Holmes getting pegged or flogged or fucked by tentacles or whatever?!)

Talk dirty about it during sex. Even if you’re not brave enough yet to put on that schoolgirl costume and hand your partner a wooden ruler (for example), you can still weave pieces of that fantasy into your sex life together. You could gasp “Have I been a bad girl?” in between kisses, or drop a “Sir” into your dialogue and see how your beau reacts. This is a lower-pressure approach than rolling out a detailed script and storyline for the fantasy you hope to enact.

How do you like to explore a new kink before you try it out in real life?

 

This post was generously sponsored by the folks at Peachbooth. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Monthly Faves: Bondage & Besties

Kate Sloan

July of last year was an out-of-control amazeballs month for me sexually. This July was nice too, in different ways. Here’s some of what I got up to…

Sex toys

• This month I was sent the Zumio, an oscillating clitoral stimulator similar to the Eroscillator but way more pinpoint (full review forthcoming!). I honestly was expecting to hate it, but… I don’t. It’s so intense that I usually only use it on the first setting and through panties – which also means it lends itself well to “forced orgasm” kink scenarios. At one point this month, my boyfriend held the Zumio on my clit while fucking me with the S-Curve, and I practically died of pleasure…

• Speaking of cool shit my boyfriend did to me: he surprised me one day by putting my collar on me and then chaining it to my under-the-bed restraints so I couldn’t move. Then he jammed my Liberator Jaz under my hips and went down on me until I came. Woof.

Fantasy fodder

• A couple times this month, my partner alluded to cunnilingus as an endurance-based endeavor – “I wanna go down on you for a long time,” “I’m not gonna stop until you come,” and so on – and it reminded me of how soothing (and hot) these kinds of reminders can be. One of my number-one sexual anxieties is “taking too long” to come, so it’s enormously helpful when a partner pre-empts those worries by essentially telling me they want me to take a while.

• I did two things this month that are typically associated with “femdom” – pegging and facesitting – but because I did them with my mega-dominant boyf, I did not feel dominant at all. I felt like I was being his servicey little good girl, or like I was being served to him on a proverbial silver platter. Friendly reminder: dominance and submission are not baked into any particular sexual act; they’re attitudes you can bring (or not bring) to any act you choose!

• Here’s a good sentence that came up in my fantasies a lot this month: “I wanna feel you come on my cock, little one.” Oof. ‘Nuff said.

Sexcetera

• Some of my work elsewhere this month: Kinkly asked me to write about the significance of collars for me as a submissive. For my friend Taryn’s blog, I wrote a guest post about things to consider before entering a DD/lg relationship. I detailed some surprisingly common sexual fantasies for Ignite and wrote some beginner G-spot tips for Peepshow.. On our podcast, Bex and I talked about polyamory, penises, and edgeplay, and we interviewed our friend Taylor J Mace.

• Orgasm statz: I had 33 orgasms this month (go me!), bringing my total for the year up to 195 thus far. 14 of those orgasms (42.4%) were from partners, including one from a partner who had never made me come before this month (yay!).

Femme stuff

• I got some new tattoos toward the start of the month: “THIS TOO” + “SHALL PASS” on the insides of my wrists. This felt impulsive – I went for a walk-in appointment at my tattoo shop early one Wednesday morning – but actually it wasn’t that impulsive: I’d been thinking about getting these tattoos for months, and decided it was finally time. They serve as an important reminder for times when I’m feeling anxious, depressed, or otherwise out-of-sorts. So far I’m finding them very helpful!

• After making a Lush trip this month, I’ve gotten back into an old fave, the Mask of Magnaminty, and been swoonin’ over a new acquisition, Miranda soap. Oh Lush, you always do me right.

• I’m so smitten with my new clitoris necklace from Animal Hair. They also make dick earrings and a necklace covered in legs, among other things. Cuuute!

Little things

Learning about sex surrogacy and sexological bodywork from Caitlin. Longform improv. Queer femme babes. Getting super stoned (and sunburned) in Trinity Bellwoods. The Adventure Zone. Telling my boyfriend “I love you” for the first time (aww). Sexting while high. My brother’s band’s new music video. “Never really knew if I did something wrong; all I ever heard was it wasn’t my fault.” Feminist children’s theatre. My boyfriend making us coffee to thoughtfully sip while we have goofy conversations in the morning. Angels in America. Writing with fancy pencils. Creativity during hypomania. Bite marks. “Babe, can I put my passport and butt plugs in your bag?” Diner breakfasts with Bex. Weed breaks on an Airbnb stoop. Nerdy income stats. Sexy jazz.

3 Sexual Fantasies I Hope to Act Out Someday

Kate Sloan

One of the best things about working in sex media: you’re constantly exposed to new kinks and scenarios, and therefore, if you’re lucky, you’re constantly coming up with new sexual fantasies to lust after.

I know what my main kinks are – the basic building blocks of my psychosexual makeup – but I’m always adding new things to my peripheral list of “hmm, maybe someday” kinds of kinks. Whether I’m reading fanfiction or classy erotica, watching art porn or raunchy amateur clips, discussing friends’ recent sexploits or telling them about mine, I’m always filling my head with new ideas for my “fucket list.”

Here are 3 fantasies I’m slightly fixated on lately…

An MFM threesome. I’ve had several threesomes, but all were with a man + either a non-binary person or another woman. They were all absolutely delightful, but gosh, I’d love to be the focus of two dudes’ focus at once. Maybe a dominant guy would tell a submissive guy what to do to me; maybe one dude would worshipfully go down on me while the other fucked my face; maybe we’d even work our way up to double penetration. (Ambitious!) Whatever the situation, I bet I’d love being the centre of attention.

Professor/schoolgirl roleplay. Maybe I’ve watched too much dialogue-heavy situational European porn, or maybe it’s just my inner teacher’s pet showing, but I’ve always had a thing for sexy teacher/student dynamics. I fetishize red apples used as ballgags and wooden rulers thwacked against nubile butts. I feel sexiest and sassiest in short thigh-baring skirts, and I get a little weak in the knees for tweed blazers with elbow patches. Someday I hope a well-dressed domly person (consensually) bends me over a wooden desk, tells me I’ve been a bad girl, and gives me an opportunity to earn some extra credit…!

Erotic massage. For as long as I can remember, I’ve eroticized the idea of someone deftly and expertly getting me off, like it’s their fuckin’ job – and in this fantasy, it is. Depending on my mood, sometimes I picture the masseuse actually finding me attractive and getting turned on in a highly unprofessional way – or sometimes I just want them to be stony and stoic, stroking me on autopilot until I fall apart. Either way, it’s a fantasy so hot that I tense up from arousal… and probably need a good massage to work out those kinks, if you know what I’m sayin’.

What fantasies are haunting your sex-brain recently?

 

This post was generously sponsored by the folks at PornDoe, and as always, all writing and opinions are my own!

The Glory of Period Sex (+ a Bloody Good Giveaway)

Kate Sloan

“I don’t think I can bring myself to send her tongue-spelunking through my bloody cave,” muses the first-ever mention of period sex in my years’ worth of journals. It signals an apprehension I still sometimes feel.

I was sixteen. My partner at the time was achingly enthusiastic about my vulva in its every known state: musky or clean, shaved or stubbly, swollen and aroused or flat and demure. But “bloody” felt like another thing entirely; we had not discussed that.

As it turned out, she was more than fine with bloody tongue-spelunking. But having that initial conversation with a new partner still feels edgy to me, all these years later. There’s a strong chance they’ll wrinkle their nose and shake their head in barely-concealed horror, but it’s just as likely they’ll be blissfully blasé about blood taboos and dive right in.

My go-to approach to this conversation, therefore, is a bit coy. Typically I’ll say, “By the way, I’m on my period, so…” and simply watch what happens. In one case, at a threesome, the boy smiled and replied, “What would you like me to do?” (“DING DING DING, right answer!!” Bex and I yelled when we gleefully revisited this moment over dinner that night.)

Another time, I took home a hookup who would later become my fave fuckbuddy. He wields my favorite BJ dick so I would’ve been content just to blow him and say goodnight – but when I mentioned being on my period, he replied, nonchalantly, without missing a beat: “You know, I also have blood in my body.” He absolutely, 100% deserved the stellar blowjob I then gave him.

This particular FWB has the most exemplary attitude on period sex I’ve ever encountered in a dude, so I asked him to contribute some thoughts on the topic for this post. Here’s what he had to say:

“Period sex can be a lot to handle at first. Maybe you don’t normally see a lot of blood and it feels weird. Maybe it just seems gross because so many people are squeamish about it. But to me, period sex is just a matter of different preparation. An old partner of mine and I had a dark red towel that we put down and folded when Aunt Flo was in town. Periods are natural. Let’s not forget that those of us with penises squirt out a weird body fluid EVERY TIME we come. So if you need to ask your partner to take a shower, do what you need to do. But making a partner feel gross for being on their period is shaming their entire biological makeup. It’s not cool, and it will not win you any points. Instead, you can think of period sex as an opportunity to show your partner that you fully accept them. Additionally, I find that the viscosity of vaginal fluids during menstruation can make sex feel AMAZING. So don’t knock it till you rock it. And remember: You’ve got blood in your body too.“

Likewise, I knew my current boyfriend was a keeper when he “earned his red wings” the very first time we had sex. In our initial negotiation, I set a boundary that I didn’t want anything to happen to my genitals during that session, because “it wasn’t a good day for that” – but as I got turned on from makeouts and blowjobs and spanking, that line I’d drawn in the sand began to waver. I went to the bathroom to make sure my menstrual cup was still doing its job, and then I came back to his sunny bedroom and asked for what I wanted. He was happy to deliver – for at least half an hour.

I don’t know if most cis men really know how deeply their attitude on period sex can affect a menstruating person’s self-esteem. While I understand why someone might not want to stick their face in blood, it makes me feel so sad and rejected to have a partner who finds my bits distasteful one week out of every month. Even the smallest step toward gaining comfort with menstrual sex – pressing a Magic Wand against me through my underwear, say, or talking dirty in my ear while I masturbate – is better than eschewing it altogether (although, of course, consent and boundaries are of utmost importance, so if you don’t want to do it, you never have to!). I crave intimacy and sexual enthusiasm all month long, and that one week each month is the time when a partner can demonstrate these things most readily, most deeply, most impactfully. It’s a small thing but it can change everything.

Of course, loving period sex doesn’t mean I also love the mess that accompanies it. It’s fine when I’m free-bleedin’ in a bathtub (Kennedy Ryan calls this “Lady Macbeth time“), but recklessly sullying my bedsheets and clothes with blood is a bridge too far for me. That’s why I keep a dark towel near my bed, and a few packages of wet wipes within reach. Before I started doing this, I once got fingerbanged by someone who then looked around for somewhere to wipe his bloody hands. I was wearing black thigh-high socks, and said, “Just wipe ’em on these.” It worked in a pinch, but, y’know, wipes would’ve been preferable.

The afterglow is one of the loveliest parts of sex – it’s a shame to have to ruin it with clean-up. I’m a lazy princess and hate having to throw on a bathrobe and waddle to the bathroom on my post-orgasmic jelly legs for a washcloth wipedown. With the right tools by my bedside, I can do a quick-‘n’-easy spot-clean, pop my menstrual cup back in, and resume snugglin’ ASAP. When the person you’re fucking makes you all swoony and starry-eyed, you don’t want to miss out on even ten seconds of precious cuddling.

In the spirit of mitigating mess so you can get back to the fun stuff: I have a giveaway for you today! It’s ideal for those of you who partake of period sex, or other forms of messy sex – or are interested in trying. Aftercourse Wipes has generously offered up a month’s supply of wipes for two lucky winners: one in the USA and one anywhere in the world. These wipes are alcohol-free and use natural ingredients like tea tree oil, aloe, chamomile and lemongrass to get your bits clean after sex. The giveaway will run for two weeks; entrance details are below!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Whether or not you decide to enter the giveaway, you can still get a discount on your Aftercourse purchase with the code “GIRLYJUICE.” Enjoy!

 

This post was generously sponsored by the folks at Aftercourse Wipes, and as always, all writing and opinions are my own. Feel free to follow Aftercourse on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter!

10 Questions About That Time I Sat on a Cake

Kate Sloan

Q. So… Why?

A. A friend invited me to a birthday party her mom was co-hosting. The group of people who would be in attendance are, by and large, queer kinksters, some of whom have an interest in cake-sitting and other forms of “wet and messy” kink play (“sploshing“). I am a sex nerd and a perv so of course I accepted this invitation.

Q. Why are people into cake-sitting?

A. I can’t speak to this from personal experience, because this isn’t a kink of mine – but I asked around at the party, and most folks cited the wet-‘n’-messy quality of the act and its taboo nature as the main draws to this kink.

I also wonder if it maybe has to do with the fact that cakes (and, in particular, birthday cakes) are some of the most exciting objects many of us encounter during childhood: they’re the sugary, candlelit trophy at the climax of every joyful birthday party. A lot of common kinks seem to be related to sources of childhood fear, shame, and/or joy – so it makes sense to me that cake could become a locus of kinky lust, as could the act of destroying such an illustrious symbol by crushing it with your ass.

Q. What did you wear?

A. I wanted to wear something fun and celebratory in colors that reminded me of birthday cakes. My outfit consisted of a hot pink bandana, a turquoise Tarina Tarantino heart necklace with an Alice in Wonderland illustration on it, a pink Gap bralette, a translucent pink striped tank top from Ardene, a pair of turquoise zigzag-striped MeUndies boyshorts, and some pink kneesocks from the now-defunct American Apparel. On my way to and from the party, I threw on some black shorts and a black leather jacket over this ensemble, to make it a little more subdued.

Q. If it’s not a kink of yours, why did you do it?

A. I thought it would be fun. I’m a big believer in the idea that you should make at least some of your life choices based on what will make for the better story – even moreso since I became a professional writer – and this seemed like it’d be a good story to tell. Plus, I was curious whether I would have sexual feelings about sitting on a cake. There are a few minor kinks of mine that I genuinely didn’t know were my kinks until I tried them for the first time.

Q. How did you select what type of cake to bring?

A. I’m not culinarily inclined so I just dropped by a grocery store to grab a cake before the party. I thought a smallish round one would probably be best, since I could crush the whole thing with my ass. My decision was also, admittedly, partly based on what I would most like to eat (and, indeed, my friend and I each had a small slice of this cake before I sat atop it).

I deeply wish I had not chosen a chocolate cake! As you can see, the whole effect is a bit fecal, to say the least. (And I ruined my underwear. Whoops.)

Q. What makes for a good cake-sit?

A. I don’t really know, to be honest. While sitting on this cake/posing for these photos, I was being directed by my friend, who is a photographer, and a pal of hers who was spectating, who is also a photographer but has an actual kinky interest in cake-sitting. As a result, I’m not sure which of the directions they gave me were for the sake of better photos and which were for the sake of a better cake-sit. They told me to face away from them and lower myself down onto the cake in a straddling position, as you can see, but I think that was more for visual appeal than, uh, butt-feel.

I will say that drawing out the cake-sit into a long, slow lowering seems to be the way to go. I’m sure there are people who are into smashing cakes fast and hard with their butt, but for your first attempt, you probably wanna be able to feel every achingly slow nuance of the experience.

Q. Doesn’t sitting on a cake give you a yeast infection?!

A. This was my concern, too. I’m still not quite sure how people do this without getting vaginal infections left and right, especially if they don’t wear underwear like I did.

I’m relatively prone to vaginal infections and didn’t get one after doing this, which I chalk up to 1) wearing underwear, 2) sitting mostly on my ass and not on my vag, 3) washing up almost immediately afterward, and 4) dumb luck.

Q. What did it feel like?

A. You know that feeling when you sit on the ground outside (say, at a park picnic or a kids’ baseball game) and slowly realize you’ve sat in some mud? It’s a cold, gooey, creeping feeling. Cake-sitting reminded me of that, except with an added squishing/crushing sensation as the cake deflated under the weight of my ass. It was a bit like someone with a cold, squishy dick was ineptly trying to fuck me but drastically missing both of my holes.

It made me wonder what it would be like to sit on some kind of warm pastry, like a recently-baked cherry pie. I suspect that would be a more pleasant feeling, though it depends on what you’re going for.

Q. Did you like it?

A. I think I was more into the spectators’ reactions than I was into the sensation itself – which is fine and makes sense, if you think about how many kinks are more about people’s reactions to them than the activity itself. (Spanking and sexual exhibitionism come to mind.)

The wetness/messiness/”grossness” of the experience just kind of stressed me out. I wonder if that would have been less true if I had been wearing underwear I didn’t care about ruining! But overall, I had fun, and I’m glad I did it.

Q. How do you clean up afterward?

A. My friend gave my butt and thighs an initial scrubdown with a damp washcloth. (True friendship, folks.) Then I went into the house and stripped out of my underwear in the bathroom so I could give my butt and vulva a more thorough going-over, also with a damp washcloth. There was more cake/chocolate on my bits than I had expected there to be, but I managed to get it all off pretty easily. Unfortunately, my panties were not so lucky: I washed ’em thoroughly with soap and cold water (hot water locks in stains!) but they still have permanent chocolate stains. So sad.

Have you ever sat on a cake or engaged in other forms of food play or “sploshing”? Is this something you’d be interested in doing? Got any tips for me if I ever attempt it again?