The Cream of the (Riding) Crop: Which Toys I Brought When I Moved

Kate Sloan

Helping me pack for my move at the start of September, an old and dear friend was horrified when she saw the contents of my sex toys box. “That’s way too many,” she swore. “You can definitely pare that down.”

My eyes bulged. “Have you seen my entire sex toy collection?” I asked. “This is like 20 percent of it!” She saw my point. She dropped the issue. But I still saw her judgmentally eying that box from time to time.

She was right – I was bringing too many sex toys – but, to be fair, I was also right: when you’ve been a sex toy reviewer for five and a half years, you amass a big enough collection that someone else’s “way too many” becomes your “only a few.” While heavy enough to elicit a weakling’s grunt from my mouth every time I lifted it, that box marked “sex stuff” had been filled using logic and moderation. I’d avoided redundancy. “Do you really need two wand vibes?!” my friend asked incredulously, and I rolled my eyes because of course I did: one was rechargeable while the other was plug-in, one was rumblier while the other was buzzier, one was relatively lightweight while the other was heavy and ornate. I did not make these decisions lightly!

Here, then, is more-or-less the full list of toys I carted along with me to my new apartment, leaving the rest behind in boxes and bags at my parents’ house to be collected at a much later date…

Vibrators

I’m picky when it comes to vibes. They’ve gotta be rumbly, ergonomic, shaped suitably for my clit’s preferences, and minimally annoying to charge and use.

My “starting lineup” is an array of vibes I use frequently, that are up to the task of both turning me on and getting me off. I brought them all with me: my two We-Vibe Tangos, my Magic Wand Rechargeable and Doxy Die Cast, my Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe, my ScreamingO Vooom, my Zumio, and my Swan Wand. These all fulfill different needs I have depending on my mood: some are pinpoint and some are broad, some come out guns a-blazin’ while some have subtler speeds, some are graceless power tools while some are precise implements of pleasure. Each one is an essential part of my collection.

Next, I added some vibes I’m only sometimes in the mood for. These cravings arise infrequently, but when they do, they must be heeded. These include the Satisfyer, Mona Wave, We-Vibe Nova, Stronic Eins, and Form 2.

Finally, I threw in a few vibes from my “to review” pile, since I need to have those on hand for Work Reasons and not just Wank Reasons. And that was that for my assortment of vibrators.

Dildos

This section of my collection was even easier to pare down, because my internal spots are less mercurial than my clit. They know what they like. A dildo is either a “yes,” a “meh,” or a “dear god no.” I brought along only the essentials from the “yes” pile.

Topping my list of must-haves were the Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble, Njoy Eleven, Standard Glass S-Curve, NobEssence Seduction, and Njoy Pure Wand. (You’ll notice that most of my faves are S-shaped and all are made of firm materials. I have a type!) Next I added other dils I occasionally crave, like the Tantus Tsunami, Vixen Mustang + Leo + Maverick, Jopen Comet Wand, Fucking Sculptures Pussywillow and G-Spoon, and Godemiche Ambit.

Once again, this may seem like a lot, but each toy fulfills a different purpose and mood. And to be real with you, the S-Curve is the one I’ve used most since moving. I would’ve been okay if I’d just brought that one, but, well, I’m a dildo glutton.

Butt Stuff

I’m not much of an anal-play connoisseur, so there were only a few toys I wanted in my arse-enal: the Tantus Ryder and the Njoy Pure Plugs (sizes medium, large, and 2.0). There were a couple of to-be-reviewed plugs in the pile as well: the We-Vibe Ditto and the brand-new Hole Punch Butnik.

Lube

For my water-based needs, I packed a massive bottle of Sliquid Sassy and a smaller bottle of BabeLube Natural. For silicone-based, I threw in a few sample vials of Uberlube. And to round out my mélange, I brought one of my two containers of The Butters. I rarely use lube these days except with partners, so this’ll be plenty.

Kink Toys

Ah, now here’s where the decisions got hard again! I have soooo many kink toys – particularly impact implements – and wanted to only bring the best of the best.

First and easiest to decide upon were my under-the-bed restraints and the leather cuffs I use with them. Installing these on my bed was one of the first things I did when I got to my new place. (“Aww, that’s so cute!” my new and, notably, kinky roommate retorted when she saw the cuffs dangling from my bedframe.)

The next-most important thing was a blindfold; I use these all the time in various kinky scenarios, to help with sexual anxiety, and when I’m taking naps! Mine is a basic soft pink one I got years ago from god knows where.

For all my other bondage needs, I packed my Unicorn Collaborators Double Duty cuffs (I own one pair in black and one in seafoam green), Aslan Leather collars (one in pink and one in black), Stockroom chest harness, and Oddo Leather ballgag.

Impact toys were harder to decide on; I only brought my absolute favorites. Those included my Weal & Breech purpleheart paddle, Bad Ass Designs wooden truncheon, Miss Morgane pink suede flogger, Creative Kink aluminum cane and pink torquemada, KinkMachineWorks Billiard Banger and Lexan paddle, stone crop from Leather & Latte, and wooden cutting board from a Roman cooking shop. Those are the ones I actually love and use all the time, and/or like showing off when I have people over. Vital considerations!

Miscellaneous

I initially left both my blowjob mirror and pink leather harness at home, but ended up deciding I needed them, so now they’re with me in my new place.

I brought my enema in case of butt stuff, and my clit pump because it helps with arousal and is just a cool sensation that I can’t replicate with any of my other toys.

Finally, I toted along my Liberator Jaz, which lives under my bed except when I need to use it as either a sexual positioning aid or a makeshift laptop stand for Netflix marathons in bed.

This post was written in conjunction with other bloggers who moved around the same time as me: check out Sarah’s post here! What toys would you bring with you if you had resolved to only take the best of the best?

A Casual Love Letter to My Casual Lovers

Kate Sloan

I don’t love you, I’m certainly not in love with you, but we approach our time together with fondness, care, and – yes – love.

When I ask you to touch me a certain way, you do it – which is no small thing. When I want you to touch me a certain way, I feel comfortable asking for it – which is no small thing.

When someone else breaks my heart, it isn’t your responsibility to put it back together. But sometimes you do, a little bit. Maybe without even knowing that’s what you’re doing. Sometimes your touch heals me and it’s always a surprise, because it’s never something I expect to want or expect to get.

When my body feels broken and ugly and wrong, you remind me that it isn’t. You play me like a xylophone until we both can hear my nerve endings sing. I feel whole and gorgeous under your hands.

Beaten down by love’s little twists, I sink into the fiction that maybe no one will ever want me again and maybe I’ll deserve that. You break the spell and show me what I always know is the real truth: that I am wanted and wantable, loved and loveable.

You are both training ground and sacred soil. I try out new tricks without shame because the stakes are low and the payoff is high. I find my footing in your company. When I fuck up, you laugh, but with mirth and not malice.

Without the tangles of dashed hopes and unmet expectations hanging like cobwebs, I’m free to enjoy pleasure without heartache. I pull you closer without fearing I’ll scare you away. I hold on tight while we’re together, softening my heart and soaking you up, and when we’re apart I let you go. No effort, no struggle. It’s practically Zen.

For days or weeks, we forget each other, wrapped up in our respective adventures. And then a text or two. “I saw something that reminded me of you…” “Remember that time when we…” “I hope to see you again soon.”

You’re like a lucid dream within my waking world. A quiet burst of glee untethered to anything else I know. We show up, make each other laugh, make each other come, and part ways. An equable bargain, a cloudless reverie.

On the streetcar ride home from the sex club, I sit all chlorine-damp and fuck-drunk, smiling like the luckiest girl in the world. Because every time I see you, I am.

Links & Hijinks: Murder & the Mona Lisa

Kate Sloan

• Sarah says pleasure is a form of political resistance. “Queer intimacy is revolutionary. Joyfully reveling in ourselves, each other, and our pleasure is revolutionary,” she writes. “For marginalized people, our pleasure shouts, ‘I see your violence, but you do not get to take THIS from me. My pleasure is mine, and mine alone.'”

• Carly has some great thoughts on money and abundance.

• Men discuss which women’s beauty products they use and love.

• Here’s how sexual satisfaction changes over the course of long-term relationships – and here’s how to keep passion alive.

• My friend Taylor is a delightfully brash flirt.

• Men, here’s how to listen when someone discloses their sexual assault to you. Quit #NotAllMen-ing all over important sexual assault discourse, and start actually being part of the solution.

• Interesting, scary, and sad: the shower murder scene in Psycho kickstarted a long-standing trend of sexual violence in horror movies.

• Who knew so much thought and work went into crafting Mona Lisa’s perfect smile?

• First times often suck and that’s okay. (This post also contains a li’l checklist of sexual compatibility + chemistry signs to look out for during a first hookup with a new partner, which I found super interesting and useful!)

• “These days, a good handjob is rare but delightful,” reports MEL. I love giving HJs on intact cocks, but still haven’t quite figured out how to do as good a job on circumcised ones…

• Bex wrote about their spanking birthday party, which was a damn good time.

• Have we reached peak pegging culture?

• This one hit close to home for me: how do I stop obsessing about finding love?

• Tina Horn wrote a beautiful essay on queer culture, bravery, and glitter.

• There’s a new Hollywood film about polyamorous people and it might be poly’s watershed moment.

• Lunabelle reviewed the Teddy Love vibrator (which I’ve previously reviewed) and naturally, it’s hilarious. “Normally I’m at least a little excited to try a new sex toy, but NOPE,” she writes. “Slurpy McBuzzyface and I regarded each other in awkward silence…” This piece is worth reading if just for the utter ordeal Luna endured trying to take her Teddy Love through airport security!

• Merritt wrote about fake boobs and it certainly gave me a lot of boob for thought! Er, I mean…

• A male sex worker answered some questions about his line of work (and made me want to hire a male sex worker).

• Not having as much sex with your partner as you used to? Emily Nagoski has some evidence-based suggestions.

• Some interesting writing about how trans folks’ sexual desires change when they transition.

• Bex has some tips for taking better nudes. “Having dinner with my best friend often means reporting on the selfie lighting in the restaurant bathroom when we get back,” they mention at one point. Can confirm: last time Bex was in town, we got ridiculous BBQ at a place near my apartment, and I took some lovely nudes in the bathroom on Bex’s recommendation.

• A lot of men are bad at fingering and could stand to learn some new tricks.

• Some research on where fetishes come from – a question that has haunted me the entire time I’ve been a sex nerd.

• The great Tina Horn wonders: what do we expect from sex workers on social media?

• Taylor has some advice on flying with kink toys.

• Suz is a major role model of mine when it comes to casual sex and confidence in general. Here’s her advice on how to vet a potential hookup for sexual compatibility before you have terrible, lacklustre sex.

5 Reasons I’d Totally Hire an Escort

Kate Sloan

Sex workers are awesome. In the past few years, I’ve befriended several, and have come to realize just how profoundly vital and healing their services can be for their clients. Far from the emotionless sleaze rampant in media depictions of sex work, these encounters can fill holes both physical and emotional!

With that in mind, here are five reasons I’d gladly hire an escort, assuming I had the dosh…

To try out a new kink activity I’m nervous about. If I wanted to learn how to climb a mountain, cook a steak, or wire a circuit, I wouldn’t ask a random friend to try to figure it out with me; I’d consult a professional! Same goes for certain skill-heavy kink acts: you can do your due diligence in terms of internet research, sure, but it’s no match for actually seeing the activity performed in person.

Perth independent escorts experienced in kink would likely know, for example, how to safely approach wax play, rope bondage, and heavy caning. This is, of course, the kind of thing you’d want to discuss with a provider in advance of a session, to make sure the two of you are a good fit and that they actually have the know-how you’re seeking. But if they do, they’ll be a much better introduction to whatever kink activity is piquing your interest than a random ill-prepared partner would be!

For a no-strings attached skilful spanking. Speaking of kink… Sometimes I crave a spanking so intensely that nothing else will satisfy. I could reach out to a partner or a friend, but they may or may not have the spanking-top skills I want them to – plus I might not be able to relax fully into a scene with someone if we have that much nonsexual history together.

Hiring Adelaide independent escorts for a scene would give me the freedom to actually relax into the spanking. I could explain my expectations and preferences beforehand, and rest assured I’d get exactly the experience I’d been craving. And there would be no social weirdness, because we might not ever even see each other again!

For an extra-satisfying massage. This is actually the only sexual service I have paid for before (unless you count porn and cam shows), and it was so blissful that I’d gladly do it again! Massages often turn me on and make me crave sexual stimulation, which isn’t appropriate in a standard massage. But Melbourne independent escorts who offer massages would also likely offer a “happy ending” if I wanted one. Best of all, I could specify the exact type of stimulation I wanted – as opposed to when a sexual partner massages me and I sort of feel like I should just be grateful and accept whatever kind of touch they give me.

To make a partner’s threesome fantasy come true. I’ve never had a shortage of enthusiastic threesome partners available to fulfill this scenario, but I can definitely see the advantages of hiring a professional. Threesomes can be emotionally messy, potentially fanning the flames of any existing jealousies or resentments in your relationship(s) or even creating new rifts. An escort can help you enact a threesome fantasy in exactly the way you’ve envisioned it, and with much less drama than you might unintentionally incite by enlisting a friend instead.

For guilt-free oral service. Look, sometimes I just wanna be a pillow princess and not have to feel bad about it. Like, for example, at the end of a long work day when I barely have the energy to lift a vibrator onto my bits, let alone reciprocate oral sex. (I love giving head… when I have the zeal to actually get ‘er done!) Sex workers are the ideal solution to this problem, because the financial nature of the agreement would take away any feelings of obligation or guilt. Just orgasms and pure relaxation, baby!

What would you love to hire an escort for?

 

 

This post was sponsored, and as always, all writing and opinions are my own!

An Ode to Fucking Sculptures (and What to Buy Instead)

Kate Sloan

Beloved artisanal glass dildo company Fucking Sculptures has opted to shut down, after years of cranking out unspeakable beauty. This announcement makes me even more proud and protective of the Fucking Sculptures I own, which I already consider so precious I won’t even fly with them lest they get lost in transit.

For those who still dream of fucking a Fucking Sculpture, I’ve compiled some suggestions for other dildos that might live up to their hype, at least sensation-wise. Read on for dildo dupes…

The G-Spoon was my first Fucking Sculpture, and is still, to this day, one of the best A-spotters I’ve ever owned. Mine is on the cusp between medium and large, so it’s big enough to feel impactful but small enough that its weight doesn’t bother me; long enough to reach my A-spot but not so wide as to bump my cervix; curved enough for G-spot stimulation but not so much it can’t get all up into deeper spots. Really, the only thing I don’t like about it is, I wish there was more extra length I could use as a handle. I could thrust a lot faster and harder if more than an inch of the toy stuck out of me when fully inserted.

What to try instead:
• The stainless steel Njoy Fun Wand is about the same length as my G-Spoon, but slimmer. It can hit my G-spot and A-spot with equal aplomb, but in a slightly more pinpointed way than the G-Spoon. The steel feels just as heavy and firm as Fucking Sculptures’ glass does. Like the G-Spoon, the Fun Wand leaves me with almost no handle if I insert it all the way, but it does indeed hit the spots I want it to. Plus that bloopy end feels great in a butt.
• I haven’t tried the Fifty Shades Darker Deliciously Deep steel dildo or the Crowned Jewels Shaftsbury, but they’re both of comparable dimensions to my G-Spoon and have the gentle curve I’ve come to associate with good A-spot toys.
• This Spartacus glass G-spot dildo, is, again, of similar dimensions to my G-Spoon and has the straight shaft + curved tip I’ve often found effective for A-spot stimulation. The looped handle would make it easy to thrust with, too.
• I’ve found the Icicles #53 effective for deep stimulation, though it’s a bit girthier than the G-Spoon at 1.5″, so if you have a cervix that’s particularly low and/or sensitive to pain, I wouldn’t recommend it for that purpose.
• A vibrating option, incase you’re into that: the Jopen Vanity VR9 is long, gently curved, and offers two differently-sized ends for exploring your various internal spots.

I consider the Pussywillow relatively unremarkable compared to my other two Fucking Sculptures, sensation-wise, though it’s still beautiful. Mine is a medium-sized, triple-blooped, softly curved dildo that stimulates my G-spot gently with one end and can nudge my A-spot with the other.

What to try instead:
• The Fifty Shades of Grey Drive Me Crazy glass dildo has gentle bloops of about the same diameter as my Pussywillow. It’ll rub your G-spot, but not nearly as intensely as something like, say, the Pure Wand.
• The Icicles #18 has one straight, mildly textured end, and one end that’s much more curved and textured. Like the Pussywillow, it’ll allow you to explore a few different internal spots and sensations.
• The Icicles #8 is straight (though still bloopy), so if you know you like your G-spot stimulation gentle as fuck, you’ll dig this one more than a curved toy.
• For more intense G-spot sensation but with similar texture, try the Sinclair Institute Crystal G. That long handle should make it easier to thrust with.

The Double Trouble is my priciest and most prized Fucking Sculpture, by far. I use it solo and with partners, and it always satisfies. Its deal is that it somehow manages to be alarmingly girthy (6″ around the smaller end, 6.5″ around the larger) while also hitting my A-spot amazingly. (I wish I had an X-ray machine so I could see exactly how it accomplishes this, because it’s a mystery to me.) I don’t use it much these days because my vag isn’t as enthused about girth as it used to be, but when I really want to feel filled up and deeply fucked, I can’t imagine a toy I’d prefer over the Dub Trubz.

What to try instead:
• The other major contender in the “big, heavy, firm, double-ended, gently S-shaped dildo” category is the Njoy Eleven, another favorite of mine. I find it much more G-spot-centric than my Double Trouble, since I can’t get the Eleven’s big end deep enough inside me to rub my A-spot firmly, though it does graze it a little if I push it as deep as it’ll comfortably go. If you crave Fucking Sculptures for their beauty, durability, and “wow” factor, the Eleven will tick all those boxes for you too.
• If you want something shaped like the Eleven but less expensive, less heavy, and less huge, try the Dorcel So: it’s essentially a smaller, silicone Eleven clone. Its more minuscule girth makes it likelier to be able to hit your A-spot, if that’s what you’re after.
• The Dorr Silker vibrator isn’t as thick as the Double Trouble, but its insertable end is shaped very similarly to my favorite end of the DT, so I think it might feel comparable. Plus it vibrates, if you want it to!
• The Lumberjill Knob is a girthy-as-fuck double-ended dildo like the Dub Trubz, so it’ll fill you up real good, though I can’t personally attest to its A-spotting abilities.
• I’m intrigued by two silicone potential contenders, the Maia Riley and Doc Johnson Beauty. Both are long enough to hit your A-spot (probably), girthy enough to feel filling through the shaft (1.6″ and 1.9″, respectively), and have the tapered and slightly curved tip that tends to work well for A-spots. And they’re both under $35, so if you’re not up for a big investment, these are relatively safe bets.
• There’s sadly not a lot of girthy glass out there, but try the relatively inexpensive Spartacus Blown Medium (1.5″ diameter) or Blown Large (1.75″) if that’s what you’re cravin’. The Medium has a slight curve, while the Large is totally straight, so if width isn’t a dealbreaker, I’d lean toward the Medium for spot-targeting purposes.

This post was sponsored by the good folks at SheVibe. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.